Short segment of idea given linguistic expression

[forze]

Hey there fellow book lovers. I was hoping that in your benevolence of spirit youd be willing to offer feedback on something I wrote, its just a small peice of fictional writing. As everything, it could use alot of improvement, which is why I appeal to you reader, to alert me to the defects of my writing. Thank you you lovely creature.

A constellation of silvery dust particles floated silently in the wreckage of the cabin, submerged in pale blue light. The floor was a mosaic of sharp glass shards, broken wood, paper documents, stationary utensils, guns, grenades and dead men sleeping in sticky red puddles of blood. Until the night prior, the cabin had been the only inhabited structure in the entire immensity of the city, but now it slept alongside the skeletal remains of its many neighbours, in what was now a cemetery of construction. The multifarious buildings which beset the cabin, as well as the roads and pavements which shielded the earth, were all of a concrete grey constitution. But this city had long since been free of the hazardous influence of man, and had been conquered instead by nature herself, and her green fingers gripped the concrete cages and crumbling city carpet possessively. The vines flourished in the mild humidity of the air and wrapped everything, complimented in their vibrancy by the diversely florid hues of an abundance of other plants. The rising sun now sent down streaks of golden light which served to further embellish the beauty of the scenery, and begun the excited shrieks of many birds which echoed all about.
With manifest languish a man approached the cabin. He walked with laboured footsteps, was heavily breathing and had a face upon which sweat was abundantly sprinkled. His drenched hair dripped and made a waterfall of his forehead and nose; his long neck stooped forward, a pair of heavy looking binoculars hanging from it. His shirt and trousers were dyed dark brown from the dirt of his journey and his emaciated form, if reflected in a blurred mirror, would match the general shape and hue of a large vulture. He walked with the disoriented gait of a man sleep walking, and felt not fully aware of his surroundings or his predicament. Each step required mighty powers of will and to subsist in his expedition he summoned up all of his constitutional diligence, and decided only death would suffice as a secondary, if his first plan would fail. After some hours and many entreaties to God, his eyes finally captured the verdant exterior of the cabin, and a surge of joyful tears took to his eyes. He laughed loudly and made a few exclamations of ecstasy; “Thank God!” he cried. With his spirits alight from the inward explosion of energy he had just experienced, he began to jog feebly towards the cabin, which was still a considerable distance away. A golden glaze of sunlight tinted his vision and he brought his hand up to shadow his eyes. Pepin felt especially light in body and mind as he stumbled along, and was suffering the symptoms conduced by three consecutive days with no sleep and a scarce supply of food and water. In his exertion Pepin felt far more conscious of his symptoms; his body ached and threatened to collapse, and his thoughts were blurred by the confusion his minds eye was intoxicated with. Memories of the old friends he was now to be reunited with flooded through him and lent vigour to the impetus which impelled him onward.

[hillwalker]

I enjoyed the portrayal of a city reverting back to nature – some of the imagery is extremely effective. Having said that, if this is the opening to a longer story perhaps so much description in the first paragraph is going to drive readers away (unless it’s going to be a novel of substantial length in which case you may get away with it).

BUT the first 9 sentences of the second paragraph are in need of a reworking – it’s overwritten.

Phrases like ‘manifest languish’, ‘a surge of joyful tears’ and ‘a few exclamations of ecstasy’ are just too much ….. and having to wade through so much detail about the way the character makes it almost impossible for the reader to focus on any of his attributes.

Sometimes the writer has to trust the reader to fill in the blanks – allow them the opportunity to use their imagination rather than overwhelm them like this with such a long list of observations.

Room for improvement, but promising all the same.

H

[forze]

Thanks Hillwalker its a good point about my overwriting, i just get carried away. i think il try and tone down the description and keep the story progressing

[Benvenuti]

I like the part where the man approaches the cabin because it puts us into the scene, as if we are watching the man. I particularly enjoyed where I could work out things about the man for myself, such as why he is walking with "laboured footsteps".

The point of view changes a little bit when we are told what he was thinking "With his spirits alight from the inward explosion of energy". I think it would be nice if we could be drawn a little more slowly from being an observer to being in the man's head.

I reckon there's also much more to this story. How did he come to be so glad to be reunited with his old friends, even at point of death? What is the significance of this cabin?

For me, my favourite part is wondering what makes the man tick (but that's just me). Which would mean that the initial description of the place could be worked on and made a little "tighter".

[forze]

Thanks Benvenuti :D I just wanted to add something i've written since. i hope its less overwritten, and would love some critical feedback as i feel quite incapable of assessing something i've written, (if anyone has the time)



“His act was puerile and ridiculous; it will affect not the slightest influence in his favour. Contrarily it has demeaned him and undermined the reputation he once held as prudent and perspicacious observer of affairs” averred a voice from within the luxuriant moustache. “Pay no further attention to the matter, we must proceed with utmost haste and be fully focused on our present task”. Upon hearing this, the thin soldier, attired in navy blue dress, gave a stiff and energetic salute to his superior before darting out through the cabin door. The commander’s enormous figure loomed amidst shades of orange candlelight and black darkness. He moved a few steps with deliberation in his gait then stopped, stroked his bristly chin and squinted in deep thought. His quandary was that of a chess player who foreseeing his impending victory through checkmate, analyses the game for potential pitfalls in his plan, seeking to be fully certain that the opponent can make no retaliations. A sudden racket of heavy noise fell and the Commander withdrew from his tactical reveries, searching with alarm for the cause of the commotion. The cabin door had almost flown of its hinges as the form of a man, almost as monumental as the Commander, had exerted his aggression upon its splintering wood with his boot.
“Commander?!” he boomed assertively. Two smaller subordinates stood behind him, each carrying a rifle. The petrified Commander swept a terrified gaze over the group; in the pallid light the Commander stood for a moment in statuesque stillness, his protruding eyes rolling and reflecting his inner helplessness and horror. The Commander then made an abrupt and convulsive movement, seizing his pistol and raising it with the intent of murder towards his own head. Before he was able to execute himself however, his hand was struck by ineffable agony as a bullet shattered its skeletal structure; the gun fell impotently from his clutches and he collapsed to the floor, prostrated, suffering immense pain and nursing his wound which spat and leaked profuse amounts of blood. Lifting his eyes upwards to discern the shooter, the Commander saw the dominant member of the trio returning his revolver to its holster, his eyes gleaming diabolically and piercing his own through the cloud of darkness which shrouded the three intruders. The man spoke, “Collect his weapon Dawkin. Smith, help him to his feet”. Footsteps echoed ominously and floorboards creaked as two fresh faced young soldiers marched into the glow, retrieved the Commanders fallen weapon and assisted him up, with his arm around their shoulders. The man approached the Commander and addressed him, “Commander we will soon remedy your injury but until then the relief of its pain will have to suffice”, and at this he produced a pill which he handed to the Commander with an empathetic smile. The Commander complied, swallowing the pill.

“We will bring him with us. Let’s go now” and they made to leave. “What will you do with the cabin?” suddenly blurted the Commander. The man took a moment to consider before replying
“The fate of the cabin rests entirely in your hands Commander”

[hillwalker]

I’m afraid this piece is 100 times worse than your first posting for the exact same reasons – you seem to use a dozen words where two or three would do the job better. You really do need to edit your work – cutting out anything superfluous.


“His act was puerile and ridiculous; it will affect not the slightest influence in his favour. Contrarily it has demeaned him and undermined the reputation he once held as prudent and perspicacious observer of affairs” averred a voice from within the luxuriant moustache.

This is a perfect example of overwriting. It’s unlikely anyone will bother to read any further because the piece is so pompous and stilted.

why puerile and ridiculous?

contrarily – Yeugh. What a dreadful word.

demeaned him and undermined….. – again why both?

prudent and perspicacious - two adjectives again. Why?

observer of affairs – what??? did you mean witness or onlooker?

and averred a voice from within the luxuriant moustache – such a horrible choice of expression it's almost funny

It’s as if you swallowed a dictionary then got a bad case of indigestion. I'm getting a feeling that English is not your first language, but surely you don’t speak in this way, and it's unlikely there are any books in print using this style. So why choose to write a story (and an action story at that) as if you’re addressing a public meeting? The language is dreadfully overbearing.

proceed with utmost haste and be fully focused

a stiff and energetic salute

orange candlelight and black darkness

his inner helplessness and horror.

his protruding eyes rolling and reflecting

an abrupt and convulsive movement

seizing his pistol and raising it

nursing his wound which spat and leaked – can you spot the pattern yet? Why do you insist on saying everything two different ways? It makes it impossible for the reader to focus on the image.

He moved a few steps with deliberation in his gait – do you mean he stepped forward?????

His quandary was that of a chess player who foreseeing his impending victory through checkmate, analyses the game for potential pitfalls in his plan, seeking to be fully certain that the opponent can make no retaliations.
- Why not just say He was unsure of what to do – like a chess player contemplating his next move.?

A sudden racket of heavy noise – why not ‘a sudden noise’?

his tactical reveries – I can’t begin to imagine what these are.

exerted his aggression upon its splintering wood with his boot – for goodness sake, just say kicked in the door.

he boomed assertively – adverbs should be used sparingly – how can you boom unassertively?

Two smaller subordinates – ‘subordinate’ means someone lower in rank so why include ‘smaller’? or were they smaller in stature perhaps? and if so, why is that relevant to the story?

in statuesque stillness – like a statue?

his hand was struck by ineffable agony as a bullet shattered its skeletal structure – all you need to do is tell us he was shot in the hand (the reader can imagine how that might hurt)

the gun fell impotently from his clutches - another pointless adverb

Let’s go now” and they made to leave – rather obvious since they say they are leaving

I'm being very harsh with you but drastic action is needed if you are to improve. This could be trimmed by at least 75% - and until you get into the habit of revising your work and spotting then removing such 'filler' your chances of attracting much of a readership are doomed. My advice would be to keep things simple. If you're trying to impress anyone with your broad vocabulary and convoluted language then it's not working.

Good luck

H

[AuntShecky]

I agree with Hillwalker's previous assessments.

First of all, try to resist the temptation to post your piece as soon as you finish writing it. Wait a reasonable interval. Then go back and read what you have written. Ask yourself: "Does this really say what I want it to say?"

Secondly, don't be afraid to cut. Be merciless. Delete anything that doesn't contribute to the story, no matter how pretty the sentence might sound to you.

Finally, remember one word: PROOFREAD. There are at least three typos and misspellings in your introductory paragraph.