If The Broken Are Brave

[Revolte]

If there's anything I want more
then your arms in mine
while whispering sweet cliches,
it's my arms in yours
while kissing your lips
before you can push me away,
to tell me “Dear friend I am sorry
I swear I know how you feel,
but I have been hurt, stabbed and tortured
and love is surely unreal.”
For I have been told this before
by the saddest blackened red rose
who now lives up north with her boyfriend
with a heart that beats to her toes
-dancing and skipping and running
right through the walls that she made-
if she can find love in this desert
then surely you're only afraid
and if that's the case my dear,
then cheer, for love is on it's way.

[hillwalker]

A love poem I guess, or one chewing over lost love.

I did find the girl's spoken response a little weak, and these lines

who now lives up north with her boyfriend
with a heart that beats to her toes

again seem to clash with the quite dark tone you have set earlier on.

This is the kind of poem that might best be left a while then returned to with a set of garden shears to trim it into something more compact and hard-hitting.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I much enjoyed the seemingly spontaneous flow and heightened diction of these lines until -

until I came to "boyfriend" which seemed to be so out of tone with the diction elsewhere.

[Scheherazade]

Interesting and promising poem, Revolte. Despite the heavy dark tone, there is the promise hidden at the end and makes me wonder about the persona speaking.

Towards the end (due to couple of missing punctuation marks), it is a little harder to follow but nothing that cannot be fixed.

If there's anything I want more
than your arms in mine
while whispering sweet cliches,
it's my arms in yours
while kissing your lips
before you can push me away
to tell me “Dear friend, I am sorry.
I swear I know how you feel,
but I have been hurt, stabbed and tortured
and love is surely unreal.”
For I have been told this before
by the saddest blackened red rose
who now lives up north with her boyfriend
with a heart that beats to her toes
-dancing and skipping and running
right through the walls that she made-
if she can find love in this desert,
then, surely, you're only afraid
and if that's the case, my dear,
then, cheer, for love is on its way.


I wonder if it is possible to replace one of the "then"s at the end.

[Haunted]

I really like the lead in lines and I enjoyed the poem all the way through the end, despite having problems visualizing how to wrap arms around arms (I can see hands in hands or arms around somebody)

[Maryd.]

Ok Revolte, I am in love with this poem, thanks sir.
Mary