angel

[love&hate]

angels falling in shadows
their images of her
fog rolling in on the windows
so i hold her closer
the stars still bright
but she is my only light
through all the dark
and falling angels
i see love in every angle
for god has sent me
his most beautiful angel

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's a VERY GOOD beginning but instead of relying on polls, rely on your own ear and eye. Write, read, write more...

If at all possible, however, avoid writing about love, about which surely everything has been said in just about every way possible to say it.

[Skia]

I think its good, but does need a little bit of work, I agree with Prince, He speaks sense. :)

[hillwalker]

Yes, It's a reasonably good start but you have picked such a difficult topic to be original about.

I liked the image of her appearing as 'fog rolling in on the windows'

But you have the word 'angel(s)' appearing 3 times in 11 lines (as well as 1 'angle' which sounds almost the same). If you were to read this out loud it might well start to sound a little repetitive so a little revision would help.

Otherwise, good effort.

H

[adityasam]

Good Effort. Ways of Improving? The Pundits have already told em! There is always a way to improve, So I suggest you listen to what Prince says!!

Regards

[dafydd manton]

If you follow the advice of Prince and Hillwalker, you will never, ever go wrong. (Sorry chaps, but it had to be said......) Personally, I am not a fan of the wholoe thing in lower case, although I realise it is a legitimate ploy, I just think it detracts from the sense a little. e e cummings has a lot to answer for. But I still like it, for all that.

[Haunted]

I too find this to be a really good start. Just one suggestion.

i see love in every angle

maybe: i see love in every corner

I'm suggesting corner because you talk about shadows and dark and dark corner goes well with the rest than angle, unless you really mean angel. In that case I would agree with Hill that there's too many angels in a short piece.

[PrinceMyshkin]

If you follow the advice of Prince and Hillwalker, you will never, ever go wrong.

Thanks for the endorsement, guv, and as it happens I have some ever so slightly damp land in Florida that I could let you have for a pittance.