Youth Is the Way We Live

[breathtest]

.....

[hillwalker]

I like the contrasts in this

- the description of the couple making it clear they are no longer teenagers, yet their observed behaviour implying they still have a youthful zest for life

- and also the static position of the narrator (almost as if he is marooned on dry land watching life pass him by - not quite able to move away from his bedroom window to make contact with reality in the shape of his wife downstairs) contrating with the couple on the barge not only moving about, touching each other and finally exiting stage left but also actually living on something that is liable to float away.

There seems ample scope here for a series of enigmatic 'views from the canalside'.

H

[Steven Hunley]

This is short. I like 'em short. For being short you've packed alot into this. The sentence fragments work well. You know how to break the rules so well, that even your sentence fragments come across as whole sentences like,

"Her dark blond hair tied back tightly into a pony tail." as if "tied back"was a verb phrase of some sort.
I don't know what you've read, or what class or classes you've taken to learn how to write in this fashion, telling just enough, leaving just enough for the reader to surmise. You've discoverd the formula in this piece that's for sure. All the way down to the title. Bravo.

[breathtest]

Hillwalker - thanks very much.

Steven Hunley - thanks also.

[Maryd.]

Again breathtest, you have produced perfection... I love the quiet excitiment in the narrators voice. It read so well that I thought I was there. I closed my eyes and imagined everything you said. You painted the scene well.
Nice one.
Oh and love the short ones.

[Alexander III]

Ha ! your prose is nicely concise, and flows well, and this time your wrote of strong ending which raised the entire pecie instead of abandoning it to the vastness, I quite liked it, especially the ending.

However this one line didnt seem right to me "until their breathing filled the cabin" Im not sure if breathing works there maybe a different word might work.

[Buh4Bee]

This is great. I like this one better than your bourbon story. I don't know why. You capture a person's loneliness quite accurately.

[breathtest]

thanks for the nice comments

[alcala0001]

I enjoyed reading this. You are able to take a moment in time and give it meaning and depth.