Angel wishes you well

[kittypaws]

You could be dying
And there is nothing,
Absolutely nothing I can do.
I called the paramedics~
They rushed you out the door.

The cat ran to hide
And the dog was by your side.

And I wonder what will be.
Standing along side your bed
They say you have internal bleeding;
Feeding you fluids thru your IV.

I want to say, to do more
But I can not mislead you anymore.
So I wish you well
And wonder why I am so un-phased.

Our love for each other has rushed on
By-passed our lives and joys.
I pray for your healing
As I could never wish you harm.

But I have been callous by your ways.
I will always be beside you
Just like the dog.
And your Angel wishes you well.


amandac

[Hawkman]

This is a poem about strength, patience, control and calmness in a crisis. I think that as such, it is very effective. The criticsm I would make is that it reads a little jerkily and the poem suffers with tense changes. e.g. in S1:

"You could be dying
And there is nothing,
Absolutely nothing I can do. (Present tense)
I called the paramedics~
They rushed you out the door." (Past tense)

Perhaps it would be better as:

"You could have been dying
And there was nothing,
Absolutely nothing I could do.
I called the paramedics
And they rushed you out the door."

The little 2 line stanza (past tense) stands out as a humerous aside but I wonder if it could not be expanded by a couple of lines to match the pattern of the other stanzas.

The rest of the poemis in present tense which is fine as the narrator is now in the hospital by the bedside.

I think it would read a little more evenly if you mad some very minor changes.

e.g.

"I wonder what will be
as I stand beside your bed.
They say you have internal bleeding,
feeding fluids by IV."

I think it's pretty good though.

Best, H

[tailor STATELY]

Touching poem.

A few suggestions:

L15 - suggest 'unfazed' for 'un-phased': http://www.thefreedictionary.com/phased - which might fit using poetic license (your poetic license hasn't expired has it?).

L20 -
But I have been callous by your ways. - perhaps: But I have become callous by your ways
or
(more in context): And though I have become callous by your ways

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[breathtest]

'your Angel wishes you well'

was there ever a line more sweeter than this?
thank you for sharing this poem.

[kittypaws]

Hawk, Tailor and Breathtest.....thank you!

It is no wonder I enjoy this site so much....all the great writers are here and willing to share their knowledge.

I will adjust my poem and work on my 'tense' as I have always had a problem with keeping myself in one place.

you all are sweet!

kittypaws

[Jerrybaldy]

I read it as someone dealing with a loved one who doesnt mean quite so much any more. The sad realisation that you are not hurting as much as you think you should. very enjoyable and I love the closing line.
Jerry

[hillwalker]

Without sounding insensitive or 'callous' I will be brutally honest and admit that although there are parts of this I enjoyed reading, there are other parts that I preferred not to dwell on too long (I just felt I was intruding on a private moment even though it was obviously posted here for us all to share)

The first four lines make a good start in setting the scene (allowing for Hawk's comment) - but then the following three lines are a complete distraction for me. To be told how 'they rushed you out the door' makes the piece read more like the description of a house move than a life-or-death emergency (and the episodes with cat and dog pure slapstick - which I presume was not your intention - or was it?).

The poem then gets back on track, and apart from the unnecessary inclusion of lines 10 and 11 become a very poignant piece of writing. Why are those two lines unnecessary? Because there is much more power in your writing when you display the rawness of your feelings, standing by the bed feeling helpless, than in reporting the medical details of the patient.

I just ended up feeling confused by what your were hoping to achieve by revealing these details to a wider audience since they don't add to the intensity of the situation.

Perhaps this was written close to the events it describes, in which case I sympathize and can understand the emotions going through your mind. But in my opinion for it to work most effectively you need to take a hard look at it again. However, this is my opinion and there are plenty on here I'm sure who will disagree.

Bes wishes, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I agree with those who appreciated the final line all the more so as there is the possibility of ambiguity in the reference to "your angel" which on the primary level might be how a father referred to his daughter; but it might also be the daughter invoking the hope of a guardian angel to look after her father in the hereafter.

"Amandac"?

[kittypaws]

H ~ I respect
"I will be brutally honest" as that is one thing about this site I enjoy. I can not improve if no one will speak up and critique my work. 'Nice write' just doesn't do it.


Perhaps this was written close to the events it describes this was written within hours of the event it describes as I find that I write the best of my "raw feelings" when they are still burning within me. I have no problems sharing what I feel on paper as I am sure others may have/had the same experience. Is that not what writing is all about?

Jerry ~ you hit the nail right on the head.

Prince ~
amandac = Amanda Curtis, my pen name since high school. And Angel. Well that be me!

I will re-work the poem per everyone's comments. I thank you all.

kittypaws

[hillwalker]

I have no problems sharing what I feel on paper as I am sure others may have/had the same experience. Is that not what writing is all about?

It is..... and you did a good job of sharing your feelings. It was the incidental details which I felt weakened the impact of what was an immensely personal and courageous piece.

H

[Haunted]

The helplessness one feels for a dying loved one, and the misgivings one has over some rocky patches in the relationship...it just feels so real, so credible. Love it.

[kittypaws]

Haunted....thank you.

A once loved one...and it is real, very creditable. It makes me wonder what is not right about me.

Searching for my star to guide me way far into my past or perhaps my future.

kittypaws