Breathe

[hack]

final edit:


She crossed the narrow frontier
at the elastic border of Heaven,
which, as is well known,
expands and contracts with God's every breath

Even a shallow cough balloons to save
countless nearly worthy souls

As she stood very close,
peering in, as best she could,
God, distracted, cleared His throat,
and let her in

[PrinceMyshkin]

That second line set me up to trust whatever was going to follow, and what did follow fully justified that expectation of mine. How beautiful it is, not only in what it says but in the serenity with which it says it.

This is truly a well-breathed breath.

[hillwalker]

Nicely done, hack. A very elegant metaphor kept in control beautifully.

H

[Buh4Bee]

delightful

[Bar22do]

When she made it home,
it was through the elastic border of Heaven
which, as is well known,
expands and contracts
with God's every breath

Even a shallow cough
balloons to save
countless
nearly worthy souls

If you stand close to Heaven
and peer in, as best you can,
by the mere act
of clearing His throat
God might let you in

So in other, less elegant words, you're saying that for souls to be saved, if they stand strategically close to heaven, great-souled God should suffer from a permanent flu, coughing and clearing his throat...
But I wonder how desirable such rescue operations really are - perhaps it depends if one wishes to make it home or... heaven.... (and unless soul here hints to the spiritual/immaterial part of a human being, not to the actual living human being).

With this introductory wondering, what I mostly want to say is that I enjoyed your utterly poetic thought very much. Bar

[hack]

If you are close enough, a tiny "ahem" might do.

[Bar22do]

but one "ahems" for disapproval, embarrassement, no? A poor prognosis, then, to be of the elected... ah ah... dear hack, your pure heart would even perfect Him! ;)

[Lumiere]

I loved the metaphor and the fluid simplicity with which you offered it.

"hack" is an ill-chosen name for such a fine word-weaver.

[cogs]

this is in line with what i feel about god speaking his words subtly to us, if we will draw near and listen. we'd have to obey to be purified.

[hack]

Thank you all for your encouragement.
I must admit that I am not happy with
the last stanza.

Do you think this edit is better?

If you stand close to Heaven
peering in
as best you can
clearing His throat
God might let you in

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thank you all for your encouragement.
I must admit that I am not happy with
the last stanza.

Do you think this edit is better?

If you stand close to Heaven
peering in
as best you can
clearing His throat
God might let you in

No, alas, it muddies the original in that the last two lines constitute a dangling modifier, inasmuch as "you" is the original subject of this verse/sentence; you'd need to make the switch of subjects more overt, e.g.:


If you stand close to Heaven
peering in
as best you can,
God, by clearing His throat,
might let you in

[cogs]

hack, i would focus on the contrast of the subtle 'ok', compared to the invaluable entrance to heaven.

[Bar22do]

I think PM gives you a right suggestion, also from rhythm point of view. Be well - Bar

[lallison]

I am kind of neutral on this one, hack. I like the metaphor in it and its originality and creativity, but I'm bothered by a few things. Who is "she"? "She" appears in the first line and is then gone from the whole thing. I think that first line threw me off, because I kept expecting her to be part of the rest, but the rest was about god and me. The other thing is, I can't quite make out what you're trying to say about the nature of god or heaven, other than God's omnipotent and heaven is a place we want to be. The really unique thing that I'm guessing makes the poem is that God is somehow human in the sense that he breathes and coughs. So for me, it was interesting to read, has great imagery, and the sound is appealing, but think about it much and it doesn't seem to have much going on beneath that. Of course, I read a lot of poetry and miss the gist of many of them. Just wanted to give some sincere feedback to a respected poet. lal

[PrinceMyshkin]

I am kind of neutral on this one, hack. I like the metaphor in it and its originality and creativity, but I'm bothered by a few things. Who is "she"? "She" appears in the first line and is then gone from the whole thing. I think that first line threw me off, because I kept expecting her to be part of the rest, but the rest was about god and me. The other thing is, I can't quite make out what you're trying to say about the nature of god or heaven, other than God's omnipotent and heaven is a place we want to be. The really unique thing that I'm guessing makes the poem is that God is somehow human in the sense that he breathes and coughs. So for me, it was interesting to read, has great imagery, and the sound is appealing, but think about it much and it doesn't seem to have much going on beneath that. Of course, I read a lot of poetry and miss the gist of many of them. Just wanted to give some sincere feedback to a respected poet. lal

The odd thing about your comment is, that though you have issues with Hack's poem, if it had been mine, I'd have nonetheless been gratified by this careful reading and respectful response.

I for one am prepared to regard "she" as the occasion for the poem, an occasion to move from rumination on the personal event, to a more generalized philosophical contemplation of teleology and religion.

[lallison]

hmm, yeah, I just read it again. seems like there's a bit of luck and fate mixed in there with god as well. Ok, starting to get it. the poetry meter is swinging a little more away from neutral towards pretty cool now.