Romance Through Ink (new)

[Jesterhead]

With advice from Hawkman.

We too forgot to smile and sing
For the gentle wind dove moved silently,
With drowsy head and folded wing,
The day I told my love about invisibility.

Never seek to tell thy love
Of love that never told can be.
The rose’s modest thorn so rough
Is love the world entire can see.

What's in the heart that ink may claim,
Which hath not showed thee my true spirit?
The spirit that makes me see heaven's flame,
That may express my love for thy dear merit.

As upon God’s mighty floor I lie,
A child with most knowing eye,
I gaze upon unquiet skies
That shake the heavens as they thunder by.

I break the fetters of my youth,
No more I tread thy mystic round
But leave thy realms for those of truth,
At last I’m free, no longer bound.

While fancy holds her boundless reign
And all assume a varied hue,
When virgins seem no longer vain
And even women’s smiles are true.

To melt beneath a wanton tear,
Romance discussed with such deceit;
And think that eye to truth was dear,
Thy silly drops can never fall in heat.

but now the rain hath quenched the fire,
Made me wise and I can see,
Defiant to thy whim's desire,
Thou hast no mastery of me.

[hillwalker]

This reads so much better.
I will admit I am still not a great fan of the more archaic types of poem you write - the use of 'thy' does take some getting used to but.....
This has so many good points - verses 1, 2, 5, 6 and 7 in particular are very good.

H

[Hawkman]

Yes that's better Jesterhead, but you can also lose the 'of' in 'whims of desire' by adding an apostrophe to whim's. This will sort the metre.

"But now the rain hath quenched the fire,
Made me wise and I can see,
Defiant to thy whim's desire,
Thou hast no mastery of me."

Best. H

[MorpheusSandman]

I guess I'll join the choir of how much better this one reads. In fact, despite the archaicisms it flows so easily and naturally.

[Jesterhead]

thanks, I do like the end result of this!