Biggus
05-10-2010, 09:17 AM
SCARED HALF TO DEATH
Last week I got a fright
That scared me half to death
But that’s not the real trouble
What happens if next week
I get another terrible fright
Will that make it a deadly double?
MARTYRS LANE
When the martyr’s mothers reminisce
Clutching photos that they kiss
They shed a tear for their lost sons
Who blew themselves up for martyrdom
Then one tearful mother is heard to say
“They blow up so fast, don't they?'
HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’
There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth
Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport
FRANKLY MY DEAR
What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all
WORKPLACE WOES
9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee
I WISH TO COMPLAIN
“I wish to complain” the woman growled
The manager said “How can I help you”?
“There is a puddle on the bathroom floor
What are you going to do”?
The manager with a smile replied
“I’ll have the maid mop it up for you,
And if it’s any consolation, I have three sons
And there’s always a puddle in our loo”
A TRIP TO THE FARM
When our class
Visited the local farm
We had a lovely day
And on the bus home
We sang a song
About our lovely day
The sheep go baa
The cows go moo
The ducks go quack
Chickens **** a doodle doo
The shepherd says hi
The cowman says hello
Get off that ****ing tractor
We hear the farmer bellow
LUVVAGE
My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.
MUSICAL FUSION
There’s a new music fad or fashion
A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
They play Dancing Queen and Waterloo
On the wobble board and the didgeridoo
I don’t know if it will catch on at all
They call the music Abbariginal
STRIKE TWO
What would you say to someone?
With two shinning black eyes
Well I wouldn’t say anything
They’ve clearly been told twice
CLEAN SWEEP
A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural
KEEN TO BE GREEN
Local authorities’ love recycling
It’s a green policy and its one that wins
They want to reduce the carbon footprint
Of the electorate, for their sins
But if they were truly serious
They’d stop making so many recycling bins
THE FULL ENGLISH
I like the full English
When it comes to breakfast
Something substantial
For a satisfaction that will last
None of that continental rubbish
All foreign and nasty
And what’s the deal with a croissant
It’s nothing but an empty pasty
DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE
Bimbette was out for a stroll by the river
And was enjoying the walk in the countryside
When she saw Peaches on the opposite bank
“Hi Peachy how do I get to the other side?”
Peaches looked at her with a puzzled expression
“You’re already there silly” she replied
PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS
The medical profession can always
Bury their mistakes deeply
The legal profession can execute theirs
Finally and completely
While journalism allow their errors
To be given centre stage
For all the world to see in black and white
Right on the front page
PHYSICS QUESTIONS
Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?
DOPEY BROTHER
My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS
Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it
REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER
Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot
For that was the day Guy Fawkes failed
To blow up the bloody lot
SCUBA TECHNIQUE
Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat
PHILOSOPHICAL FACT
Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts
DAVY JONES DISCO
If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle
WYNNE OR NO
Do you know who invented the crossword?
I can't remember his name for the life of me
It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach
It’s W something N something E
RAMBLING
I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
BRITISH BULLDOG
Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God
SANDALS IN THE BIN - THE BALLAD OF MOTHER THERESA
Goodbye Mother T
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of their poverty
And they gathered again and again
God set you on the treadmill
And he made you change your name
And it’s been told to me that since you died
They put your sandals in the bin
But having them to cling to
When the pain set in.
I would have liked to have sold them
For just a few quid.
But your Sandals were thrown out long before
We even got a bid
FASHION VICTIMS
There is a new fashion range
Launching in the spring
And if you are of certain bent
Then for you it’s just the thing
There will be corduroy trousers
With a very high waist
And knitted sleeveless sweaters
To suit every taste
Jackets will be of Harris Tweed
With leather elbow patches
Shirt collars will button down
On a tie that never matches
So when will these hit the shops?
Is that the question I hear?
Be patient it will be with us soon
And it’s known as Boffin wear
Last week I got a fright
That scared me half to death
But that’s not the real trouble
What happens if next week
I get another terrible fright
Will that make it a deadly double?
MARTYRS LANE
When the martyr’s mothers reminisce
Clutching photos that they kiss
They shed a tear for their lost sons
Who blew themselves up for martyrdom
Then one tearful mother is heard to say
“They blow up so fast, don't they?'
HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’
There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth
Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport
FRANKLY MY DEAR
What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all
WORKPLACE WOES
9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee
I WISH TO COMPLAIN
“I wish to complain” the woman growled
The manager said “How can I help you”?
“There is a puddle on the bathroom floor
What are you going to do”?
The manager with a smile replied
“I’ll have the maid mop it up for you,
And if it’s any consolation, I have three sons
And there’s always a puddle in our loo”
A TRIP TO THE FARM
When our class
Visited the local farm
We had a lovely day
And on the bus home
We sang a song
About our lovely day
The sheep go baa
The cows go moo
The ducks go quack
Chickens **** a doodle doo
The shepherd says hi
The cowman says hello
Get off that ****ing tractor
We hear the farmer bellow
LUVVAGE
My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.
MUSICAL FUSION
There’s a new music fad or fashion
A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
They play Dancing Queen and Waterloo
On the wobble board and the didgeridoo
I don’t know if it will catch on at all
They call the music Abbariginal
STRIKE TWO
What would you say to someone?
With two shinning black eyes
Well I wouldn’t say anything
They’ve clearly been told twice
CLEAN SWEEP
A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural
KEEN TO BE GREEN
Local authorities’ love recycling
It’s a green policy and its one that wins
They want to reduce the carbon footprint
Of the electorate, for their sins
But if they were truly serious
They’d stop making so many recycling bins
THE FULL ENGLISH
I like the full English
When it comes to breakfast
Something substantial
For a satisfaction that will last
None of that continental rubbish
All foreign and nasty
And what’s the deal with a croissant
It’s nothing but an empty pasty
DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE
Bimbette was out for a stroll by the river
And was enjoying the walk in the countryside
When she saw Peaches on the opposite bank
“Hi Peachy how do I get to the other side?”
Peaches looked at her with a puzzled expression
“You’re already there silly” she replied
PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS
The medical profession can always
Bury their mistakes deeply
The legal profession can execute theirs
Finally and completely
While journalism allow their errors
To be given centre stage
For all the world to see in black and white
Right on the front page
PHYSICS QUESTIONS
Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?
DOPEY BROTHER
My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS
Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it
REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER
Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot
For that was the day Guy Fawkes failed
To blow up the bloody lot
SCUBA TECHNIQUE
Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat
PHILOSOPHICAL FACT
Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts
DAVY JONES DISCO
If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle
WYNNE OR NO
Do you know who invented the crossword?
I can't remember his name for the life of me
It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach
It’s W something N something E
RAMBLING
I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
BRITISH BULLDOG
Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God
SANDALS IN THE BIN - THE BALLAD OF MOTHER THERESA
Goodbye Mother T
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of their poverty
And they gathered again and again
God set you on the treadmill
And he made you change your name
And it’s been told to me that since you died
They put your sandals in the bin
But having them to cling to
When the pain set in.
I would have liked to have sold them
For just a few quid.
But your Sandals were thrown out long before
We even got a bid
FASHION VICTIMS
There is a new fashion range
Launching in the spring
And if you are of certain bent
Then for you it’s just the thing
There will be corduroy trousers
With a very high waist
And knitted sleeveless sweaters
To suit every taste
Jackets will be of Harris Tweed
With leather elbow patches
Shirt collars will button down
On a tie that never matches
So when will these hit the shops?
Is that the question I hear?
Be patient it will be with us soon
And it’s known as Boffin wear