Some fed back please

[Buh4Bee]

Fed----Feed

I am looking for some feedback on this poem, because I can no longer see any more improvements that need to be made.

Some questions:
Third stanza: Would a transition be beneficial between the first and second line, something like "became the fall...
Or leave it as is?

What about punctuation in this free verse poem?

Thank you!


She Understood

The sky was sober and white
No flowers, just dead stems
Faded green and yellow grass blades
smashed to the ground by the weight of the receded snow.

The old woman awoke and sat up.
The mirror,
Hung by her X-husband,
“Should be turned into a window.”
The bedroom had spirit, but really, only dust bunnies.

A rising from the bed, a step, and a snap
The fall, the pain, and the scream,
All funneled through her.

The pain was so acute,
The loud shriek scattered the honking geese across the Hudson River
Flying under the few lonely cars driving across the Tappan Zee Bridge.

So she lay in the pool of her own silence,
As the world turned and the moon rose,
She reflected on her aloneness.

The pain that flared
Could be related to the pain
Inflicted by her on those who loved her.

She understood this,
That there will be no resurrection on this Easter day
For her, there is no Christ,
because she can not hear God.

[sinotsimon]

I would personally punctuate it like this:


The sky was sober and white,
no flowers, just dead stems
faded, green and yellow grass blades
smashed to the ground by the weight of the receded snow.

The old woman awoke and sat up.
The mirror,
hung by her X-husband,
“Should be turned into a window.”
The bedroom had spirit, but really, only dust bunnies.

A rising from the bed, a step, and a snap -
the fall, the pain, and the scream
funneled through her.

The pain was so acute,
the loud shriek scattered the honking geese across the Hudson River,
flying under the few lonely cars driving across the Tappan Zee Bridge.

So she lay in the pool of her own silence,
as the world turned and the moon rose,
she reflected on her aloneness.

The pain that flared
could be related to the pain
inflicted by her on those who loved her.

She understood this -
that there will be no resurrection on this Easter day
for her, there is no Christ,
because she can not hear God.

I would say that you should leave the third stanza as it is, because if you added something you would lose the strong staccato pace, although I would took out the 'all' on the last line as I don't feel it is needed and the rhythm is stronger without it. I though that the line 'Inflicted by her on those who loved her.' was maybe a little clumsy and could do with rewording? The last line of the first stanza could also do with shortening a little, I feel, as it jars the rhythm a little. The first part 'SMASHED to the GROUND with the' is strong, (BOOM dada BOOM dada) but I would personally either take out the word receded all together or replace it with a shorter word. Overall I really liked this poem. I think it has strong images, a good sense of place, and attractive use of language. Good work!

[Hawkman]

Jersea, this is a very good poem and to be honest I don't think you need worry unduly about the third Stanza. It communicates with elegent simplicity and rhythm although I would change "A rising" to "Arising," or better yet, just "Rising."

I think the 1st stanza might benefit from a little more punctuation:

"The sky was sober and white:
No flowers, just dead stems,
Faded green and yellow grass blades,
smashed to the ground by the weight of the receded snow."

and I'm not sure you need the "blades" at the end of L3

"faded green and yellow grass,
smashed down by the receded snow." however, might be a little more balanced.

But it is a good poem and I only make suggestions for your consideration.

Regards, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Fed----Feed

I am looking for some feedback on this poem, because I can no longer see any more improvements that need to be made.

Some questions:
Third stanza: Would a transition be beneficial between the first and second line, something like "became the fall...
Or leave it as is?

What about punctuation in this free verse poem?

You've received several plausible suggestions: it will be up to you which if any to follow. Myself, I found it extraordinary moving and lucid as it is. I didn't feel a transition was needed in the 3rd stanza as you've already placed us so firmly in the old woman's stream of experience that even without "became the fall..." we quickly understand the movement of her thoughts. One does think like that, without spelling out all the implied transitions.

This is such a noble poem!

[Bar22do]

Hey and happy Easter,

My remarks/suggestions about your interesting poem:

It would look more homogenous to me if you were consistent with the capital letters through or just after full stops.
I think it would do good to your poem to trim it a bit, so if you allow me, sth like (but of course pls take or leave):

She Understood

The sky was sober and white
No flowers, just dead stems
Faded green and yellow grass blades
smashed to the ground by the weight of the receded snow.

(The sky was sober and white,
only dead stems on the ground,
faded yellow-greenish grass blades
still smashed by the weight
of newly receded snow.)

The old woman awoke and sat up.
The mirror,
Hung by her X-husband,
“Should be turned into a window.”
The bedroom had spirit, but really, only dust bunnies.

(The old woman awoke.
The bedroom mirror, hung by her ex-husband,
"should be turned into a window;"
only bunnies, no spirit there.)

A rising from the bed, a step, and a snap
The fall, the pain, and the scream,
All funneled through her.

(Rising from the bed, a step, a snap,
then the fall, pain and scream
funneled through her.)

The pain was so acute,
The loud shriek scattered the honking geese across the Hudson River
Flying under the few lonely cars driving across the Tappan Zee Bridge.

(The shriek scattered the honking geese across the Hudson River
flying under the few lonely cars on the Tappan Zee Bridge.)

So she lay in the pool of her own silence,
As the world turned and the moon rose,
She reflected on her aloneness.

(There she lay in the pool of silence
unanswered.
The world carried on
as she reflected on her aloneness.)

The pain that flared
Could be related to the pain
Inflicted by her on those who loved her.

(Had her pain to do
with the one she inflicted
on who loved her?)

She understood this,
That there will be no resurrection on this Easter day
For her, there is no Christ,
because she can not hear God.

(No resurrection for her
on the Easter day, she thought, and no Christ,
for she can't hear God.)

I'm not sure I get the conclusion, though, for if the old woman understands her aloneness is the result of her anterior behaviours, it would just take a modest repentence to hear at least God if not to start to gain friends and family back, step by step, with love and kindness... It's never too late. But I may miss your point here.

Hope this is of use to you for this poem. Best wishes - Bar

[AuntShecky]

deleted -- somehow I couldn't edit the first reply

[AuntShecky]

Concerning free verse, there are few rules; nevertheless declaring a verse as "free," doesn't mean that we can throw out the basic rules of grammar. That means no sentence fragments without verbs. Either punctuate or not, but go one way or another, don't mix. For instance,
your first line, a complete sentence, lacks a period, but
both the 2nd and 3rd lines are not complete sentences, yet they begin with a capital letter. These lines

Hudson River
Flying under the few lonely cars driving across the Tappan Zee Bridge

contain a "dangling particple,"-- a misplaced modifier, as the last time I checked, the Hudson River couldn't fly.

Apart from these minor grammatical mistakes, this piece needs work as it hinges more on narration, when it would be better to show rather than tell. As it appears to me, this is prose arbitrarily broken up into lines without a pattern.

Creative use of the poetic device of line breaks can add more dimension to the verse. You might want to try doing an online search of "line breaks in poetry" or you could take a look at this web page:

http://www.spinelessbooks.com/theory/linebreaks/index.html

[PrinceMyshkin]

Creative use of the poetic device of line breaks can add more dimension to the verse. You might want to try doing an online search of "line breaks in poetry" or you could take a look at this web page:

http://www.spinelessbooks.com/theory/linebreaks/index.html

I expect that this argument or debate will go on forever, certainly between the two of us. I'd like to put in a plea on behalf of the free in "free verse." As Lincoln said of the US government, that it could not endure "half slave and half free," so I believe it must be for poetry, especially the sort that presumes to operate without regular rhyme or rhythm & with some degree of irregularity in line-breaks. Much of the time (as I'm painfully aware with respect to my own efforts) the result will be perilously close to prose, but now and then, hopefully, it will have the smell, the walk that feels like poetry. And it is for that occasional surprise, for the poem that defines itself, that I continue to strive.

And I believe that Jersea's poem has that, albeit she might choose to make some or all of the alterations proposed to her.

[Dr. Cambridge]

Hi Jersea,
I was intrigued by the use of X-husband rather than ex-husband.

The mirror,
Hung by her X-husband,
“Should be turned into a window.”
There is mystery to him, and having read on I did make a connection with the cross which Christ hung on, but I tend to make such associations as a form of mental x-ercise.

The ending is clever. You parallel the woman's fallen physical state with her fallen spiritual condition.

[Quarter Moon]

Bravo, Kudo's for such a magnificent poem. I could not have done it better myself.
Love Maureen Free flowing, descriptive. draws the reader in.
Perfect ending in wisdom.
About knowing God

[lallison]

I felt this was a dark and sad poem about trying to let go and being unable to move on to something new. You've already gotten a lot of great advice on this one so its hard to add to much, as its already been well worked out. The punctuation errors were evident right from the first stanza and mess up the flow, although sinotsimon did a great job punctuation them for you. I wouldn't leave this one without punctuation.

The other thing I might add is that the last line, "because she can not hear God" doesn't seem original. I think its pretty cliche'. If you leave it at

"She understood this -
that there will be no resurrection on this Easter day"

I think the ending is more powerful. Also, there isn't a mention of it being Easter anywhere else in the poem. Maybe slip an allusion to Easter in there at the beginning so it doesn't surprise the readers. Saying it's Easter will give some ummph to your dreary description in the first stanza.

Again, nice poem. Depressing, but nice.