maintaining love

[Bar22do]

Retreating into the scent of your touch,
I often revive your thoughts in poems’ flight –
odes to your fine spirit.

Only in theory:
if the light eclipsed,
your sparrows would lose their sense of direction,
the vine you staked wouldn’t grow
and I couldn’t recall your smile…

for -
you would only have died in a bolt of my conscience.

Now legends colonize the absence,
my tomorrows cradle your repose,

you go on when we climb our cliff,
the salty air whitening your hand
that brushes the sorrow from my forehead.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I retreat into the scent of your touch,
often revive your thoughts in poems’ flight –
odes to your beautiful spirit.

Only in theory:
if the light eclipsed,
your sparrows would lose the sense of direction
and the vine you staked wouldn’t grow,
I wouldn’t recall your lush smile…

for -
you could only die in a bolt of my conscience.

Legends colonize the absence,
my natural tomorrows craddle your repose,

you go on, and we climb to our cliff,
its salty air whitens your dear hand
as you softly clear unruly hair from my forehead.

Wondrously light, lofty and a bit sad! In these lines, which I especially liked:


Legends colonize the absence,
my natural tomorrows craddle your repose,

"craddle" should be written without one of the two "d"s, it doesn't matter which one.

[Bar22do]

Retreating into the scent of your touch,
I often revive your thoughts in poems’ flight –
odes to your fine spirit.

Only in theory:
if the light eclipsed,
your sparrows would lose their sense of direction,
the vine you staked wouldn’t grow
and I couldn’t recall your smile…

for -
you would have only died in a bolt of my conscience.

Now legends colonize the absence,
my tomorrows cradle your repose,

you go on when we climb our cliff,
the salty air whitening your hand
that brushes the sorrow from my forehead.

Oh, thanks PM, I noticed that typo but you're too fast on the trigger (please keep both g's!).

[MorpheusSandman]

I love the elusive mystery of the piece. Like fragments of a larger piece but are somehow more evocative when they're put together like this as pieces. I'm with Prince in that the "Now legend/my tomorrows" lines are superb.

[Bar22do]

I love the elusive mystery of the piece. Like fragments of a larger piece but are somehow more evocative when they're put together like this as pieces. I'm with Prince in that the "Now legend/my tomorrows" lines are superb.

I agree this piece is elusive, probably a bit too much, for it apparently did not evoke anything specific in the reader. Perhaps only a sense of wondering. I believe this is something to work on again. Thanks Morpheus for your comment. Best - Bar

[~Sophia~]

Hi Bar! First, I'd like to say how very much I admire your courage in writing poetry in a foreign language. Most poets would write in their native tongue and trust the translation to someone else. Kudos for that!

And as for the poem being elusive, I wouldn't say that exactly. I can see it's about the loss of someone who was very dear to you and I think, you are telling us how you keep them alive in your heart and mind. There is some beautiful language here and a very haunted flowing sadness. Thanks for your soft ways. I really enjoyed it!

[Bar22do]

Sophia, you grasp the elusive - are you not gifted...! Thanks a lot.

[qimissung]

I love "If light eclipsed your sparrows would lose their sense of directions" and "the salty air whitening your hand that brushes the sorrow from my forehead."

I know that life can go on for this person, but they are leaving behind something rare and beautiful. You write with the kind, firm hand of the nurse who comes in the night. You are a nightingale with words, Bar22do.

[Virgil]

Bar, this is very nice. A very lovely openning stanza but the second stanza is really outstanding:

Only in theory:
if the light eclipsed,
your sparrows would lose their sense of direction,
the vine you staked wouldn’t grow
and I couldn’t recall your smile…
That "only in theory" opens up all possible depths. And then those two wonderful metaphors with the sparrows and the vine. I think that is so good.

The second half I have some qualms with. "only died in a bolt of my conscience" seems kind of forced, though I can accept it. [I have issues with those "of" structured metaphors.]

But I think this couplet doesn't rise to the level of the rest of the poem:

Now legends colonize the absence,
my tomorrows cradle your repose,
One gets onto very shaking ground when you start using abstractions to describe the tangible. Good metaphors usually work the other way, the tangible describing the abstraction.

Your last stanza is fine, a nice touch with a solid close.

Your title intrigued me actually. "maintaining love." It's an interesting title.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Bar, this is very nice. A very lovely openning stanza but the second stanza is really outstanding:

That "only in theory" opens up all possible depths. And then those two wonderful metaphors with the sparrows and the vine. I think that is so good.

The second half I have some qualms with. "only died in a bolt of my conscience" seems kind of forced, though I can accept it. [I have issues with those "of" structured metaphors.]

But I think this couplet doesn't rise to the level of the rest of the poem:

One gets onto very shaking ground when you start using abstractions to describe the tangible. Good metaphors usually work the other way, the tangible describing the abstraction.

Your last stanza is fine, a nice touch with a solid close.

Your title intrigued me actually. "maintaining love." It's an interesting title.

Virgil, without I hope trespassing on Bar's right to respond to this, I want to note how generously attentive you always are in your responses to various posters.

[Virgil]

Virgil, without I hope trespassing on Bar's right to respond to this, I want to note how generously attentive you always are in your responses to various posters.

Thank you Prince. I used to do a lot more of this. But I find my time limited, and so I might pick one at random here or there.

[Bar22do]

Bar, this is very nice. A very lovely openning stanza but the second stanza is really outstanding:

That "only in theory" opens up all possible depths. And then those two wonderful metaphors with the sparrows and the vine. I think that is so good.

The second half I have some qualms with. "only died in a bolt of my conscience" seems kind of forced, though I can accept it.

But I think this couplet doesn't rise to the level of the rest of the poem:

One gets onto very shaking ground when you start using abstractions to describe the tangible. Good metaphors usually work the other way, the tangible describing the abstraction.

Your last stanza is fine, a nice touch with a solid close.

Your title intrigued me actually. "maintaining love." It's an interesting title.

First, I'm happy that my poem caught your attention, Virgil, and that you liked it. As PM said - but of course I meant to stress it myself - your remarks are precious and useful, I am always so grateful for any constructive look/feedback at what I write. As I read with interest what you comment on other threads as well. So - thanks a lot.

I agree that my couplet:

[I]"Now legends colonize the absence,
my tomorrows cradle your repose,"

reads probably unclear, though it meant to describe how the N needed the null left by the deceased to be filled in with - at least - stories.
Well, in the meantime, I revised the whole poem - partly thanks to your own careful reading of it, and when/if I feel it's ready, I'll post it here again.

Thanks again, Virgil, I always enjoy reading what you write.

[Bar22do]

I love "If light eclipsed your sparrows would lose their sense of directions" and "the salty air whitening your hand that brushes the sorrow from my forehead."

I know that life can go on for this person, but they are leaving behind something rare and beautiful. You write with the kind, firm hand of the nurse who comes in the night. You are a nightingale with words, Bar22do.

Oh, qim, only now have I noticed I never thanked you for your poetic, beautiful, undeserved comment which I accept, humbly. You are a treasure.

[qimissung]

Thank You, Bar. You too. :)

[Virgil]

First, I'm happy that my poem caught your attention, Virgil, and that you liked it. As PM said - but of course I meant to stress it myself - your remarks are precious and useful, I am always so grateful for any constructive look/feedback at what I write. As I read with interest what you comment on other threads as well. So - thanks a lot.

I agree that my couplet:

"Now legends colonize the absence,
my tomorrows cradle your repose,"

reads probably unclear, though it meant to describe how the N needed the null left by the deceased to be filled in with - at least - stories.
Well, in the meantime, I revised the whole poem - partly thanks to your own careful reading of it, and when/if I feel it's ready, I'll post it here again.

Thanks again, Virgil, I always enjoy reading what you write.
Oh you're welcome. When i can I try to help. :)

[cogs]

Now legends colonize the absence,
my tomorrows cradle your repose,
this i found to be unique. i understand the emptiness that might be filled, if only theoretically.
i don't know why you used 'colonize' (maybe 'animate'?), and i think it's more personal, instead of 'the', to use 'your' (or leave it out).
the ending was not disappointing, and supportive.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot for your comment and suggestion, cogs, I suppose "ramble" could do as well, but, as I said previously, I'm still working on the whole poem. Have a nice day!

[paperleaves]

If I were to comment what I liked, it would be mere mimicry. I love this, Bar, it's like a dainty wind, not too fast, not to slow, but rather, easy and light. It's beautiful!

love
Kate

[Bar22do]

If I were to comment what I liked, it would be mere mimicry. I love this, Bar, it's like a dainty wind, not too fast, not to slow, but rather, easy and light. It's beautiful!

love
Kate

Kate, your comments are always poetry, with kindness for its melody...

[Bar22do]

I revised my poem, took into consideration your constructive comments and this is the edit I came up with, including a new title.
Hope you’ll like it too!



Maintaining


You go on:
when I watch video clips
of us at the cliff,
Moher’s oceanic wind
trapping future sorrow,

because
if your light eclipsed
the sparrows you fed would lose their sense of direction,
the vine you staked would refuse to grow and
I wouldn’t recall our fights, or your smile.

Stacking sand blown Lybic glass
like a nomad’s desert inukshuk,
I mark time.

[hack]

Bar,
It is good, but I think the rewrite loses too much of the original. The new version is beautiful and perhaps more personal to your loss and longing. I agree with MS though, that the mystery of the first version is an integral strength of the piece. That quality searches out a ring of truth unique to each reader. I like both poems, but if I can only have one, I pick the former...peace...

[Bar22do]

Bar,
It is good, but I think the rewrite loses too much of the original. The new version is beautiful and perhaps more personal to your loss and longing. I agree with MS though, that the mystery of the first version is an integral strength of the piece. That quality searches out a ring of truth unique to each reader. I like both poems, but if I can only have one, I pick the former...peace...

Thank you for reacting, Hack. "Secretly", I too love the original version better, though I was concerned with its being overly abstract.

Have you ever been to Ireland? Moher's cliffs are awesome...

[blank|verse]

Both are lovely!

I like the clips / eclipsed rhyme in the second, but overall think it could be improved by being tidied up and written in a more regular form. Also, the syntax seems a bit odd, as it starts 'When I watch...' I expect a clause beginning with 'then... such and such happens' but as that doesn't occur, it makes it a bit awkward to read.

But it's always enjoyable reading your work, Bar.

[Bar22do]

Both are lovely!

I like the clips / eclipsed rhyme in the second, but overall think it could be improved by being tidied up and written in a more regular form. Also, the syntax seems a bit odd, as it starts 'When I watch...' I expect a clause beginning with 'then... such and such happens' but as that doesn't occur, it makes it a bit awkward to read.

But it's always enjoyable reading your work, Bar.

Thanks a lot for your appreciation and for bringing to my attention what might have been lacking here. Does it read better for you if I insert (please see S2):

Maintaining


You go on:
when I watch video clips
of us at the cliff,
Moher’s oceanic wind
trapping future sorrow,

or when I retreat
into the trace of your touch -
resurrecting tomorrow;
because

if your light eclipsed
the sparrows you fed would lose their sense of direction,
the vine you staked would refuse to grow and
I wouldn’t recall our fights, or your smile.

Stacking sand blown Lybic glass
like a nomad’s desert inukshuk,
I mark time.



And as for tidying this or another of my poems, well my 'artistic disorder' now reigns, maybe to avoid me losing my footing on some mysterious desert kabalistic climb :nod:... Thanks again, Blank Verse.

[~Sophia~]

Bar, I really like your revision. It makes the poem more accessible in terms of understanding your deep feelings for this person and how you make them live on. It's touching to say the least and beautifully written.

[Bar22do]

I'm honoured, Sophia, that you took the trouble to read my revised poem and that you liked it. Now I too see more beauty in it! Thanks a lot.

[blank|verse]

Yes, I agree with ~Sophia~ that the revised version is an improvement; you can go on tinkering with poems forever though!

I think her comment that:

It makes the poem more accessible in terms of understanding your deep feelings for this person and how you make them live on.
is very instructive to anyone writing poetry. I think sometimes people feel they have to disguise what is being said, because that's how poets are supposed to write. Which is rubbish, particularly when you're dealing with something that is emotional, as you are here, where the reader wants access to the raw emotions. Where the poetry comes in is in ensuring it is expressed as beautifully as possible and achieves the right balance between emotion and objectivity (for want of a better word).

Tinker, tinker... I was sad to read the clips / eclipse rhyme had been relegated and I think the thrid stanza could now do with having shorter lines; they stick out a bit as they stand. Maybe something like:


if your light eclipsed
the sparrows you fed would lose their way,
the vine you staked refuse to grow
and I wouldn’t recall our fights, or your smile.

[Mfdoom]

I really liked this poem it's like you are in total connection with your own heart in this piece. I can see so much through this lines and I find it impressive. Really good :D

[Bar22do]

Blank Verse,
I agree very much poetry should express (beautifully when possible) rather than hinder understandings, emotions, messages (unless it has a vocation to let mystery lead every reader to his/her own dimensions...)... though it is not always easy to read one's own poem with the right detachment, with readers' eyes. But this skill too is a part of poetry, isn't it...

About clips/eclipsed - yes, it was a sacrifice to break the rhyme, especially because sorrow/tomorrow is more dull while it takes over in the new situation... As you say: there is no end to tinkering... but unless I have a sudden enlightenment I will limit myself to trimming a bit what sticks out.

I appreciate your time and comments, as always. Thanks a lot, BV.

Mfd
I'm glad you liked and felt my poem and I thank you for reading it!