minanamoue
11-04-2009, 01:09 AM
June plopped to the ground and sat Indian-style, stabbing a stick into the soil. He toggled the twig as growling engines and high-speed winds filled his imagination. The cloudless sky had a pallor that cast a white light on the playground stage, making the pirate ship, monkey bars, and swing set invisible. A rolling fog entered as June tilted back and shifted gears, and his unseen aircraft climbed the sky.
He closed his eyes and saw the other children of the playground point and stare in amazement, tugging their mommy’s winter coats. June waved at his friends, his red scarf flapping wildly and the fur of his collar pawing at his jaw. Up and up; the higher he went the more real it became. All of his teeth showed and the wind snatched the spit from his lip. A droplet fell and landed in the eye of an onlooker; she had become too tiny for June to see from his pilot’s seat.
“Hey, kid!” a voice shouted.
The voice pulled June out of the sky and blew the plane and the wind away. His eyes opened only to receive a spray of dirt from a cruel boy’s kick. The boy pointed and laughed, slapping his buddy’s shoulder. June’s vision blurred as the boys scampered off; a cold tear met his red cheek. He looked down at the stick, yanked it from its hole, and threw it against a tree. A small, cold hand cupped June’s chin, and he looked up to a little girl with dark, curly hair and a gray pea coat. She smiled and knelt in front of him.
June blinked at the girl, his sight still obscured by bits of sand.
“Tilt your head back,” she said, moving to his side. June complied and the girl wrapped one arm around his front and placed the other behind his head. “Open your eyes,” and he did. A short stream of saliva extended from her lips and met his eyes. He blinked several times, and soon he could see.
“Thank you,” he said, admiring the thick lashes surrounding her brown eyes as her spit dripped down his face.
“It’s nothing you haven’t done for me,” she smiled again.
June thought perhaps he preferred his eyes open from now on, but he would still lean back from time to time.
I know the ending is no good. I could use some help. I'm considering submitting a slightly longer version of this to my Fiction Technique class (college level).
Feedback is appreciated!
He closed his eyes and saw the other children of the playground point and stare in amazement, tugging their mommy’s winter coats. June waved at his friends, his red scarf flapping wildly and the fur of his collar pawing at his jaw. Up and up; the higher he went the more real it became. All of his teeth showed and the wind snatched the spit from his lip. A droplet fell and landed in the eye of an onlooker; she had become too tiny for June to see from his pilot’s seat.
“Hey, kid!” a voice shouted.
The voice pulled June out of the sky and blew the plane and the wind away. His eyes opened only to receive a spray of dirt from a cruel boy’s kick. The boy pointed and laughed, slapping his buddy’s shoulder. June’s vision blurred as the boys scampered off; a cold tear met his red cheek. He looked down at the stick, yanked it from its hole, and threw it against a tree. A small, cold hand cupped June’s chin, and he looked up to a little girl with dark, curly hair and a gray pea coat. She smiled and knelt in front of him.
June blinked at the girl, his sight still obscured by bits of sand.
“Tilt your head back,” she said, moving to his side. June complied and the girl wrapped one arm around his front and placed the other behind his head. “Open your eyes,” and he did. A short stream of saliva extended from her lips and met his eyes. He blinked several times, and soon he could see.
“Thank you,” he said, admiring the thick lashes surrounding her brown eyes as her spit dripped down his face.
“It’s nothing you haven’t done for me,” she smiled again.
June thought perhaps he preferred his eyes open from now on, but he would still lean back from time to time.
I know the ending is no good. I could use some help. I'm considering submitting a slightly longer version of this to my Fiction Technique class (college level).
Feedback is appreciated!