DocHeart
10-19-2009, 12:59 PM
Les Entrées Froides
Uninterested Colleague Mousse
Chilled rejection to an invitation for a drink at the nearest bar after work, garnished with excuses of tiredness and needing to wash one's hair. Served on a bed of "lettuce not"
Unanswered Calls Vichyssoise
A smooth, cool soup of failed attempts to reconnect with female acquaintances of the past, sprinkled with a tangy bad memories syrup
Almost Empty Bar
Mixed looks of pity, understanding and curiosity received as you slowly begin to get smashed in a bar that opens early, immersed in a cold pistou sauce. Also served as a main course.
Les Entrées Chaudes
Deep-fried X-box or Playstation parts
Crispy components of your favourite games console deep-fried in extra-virgin immaturity oil.
Mama's Special Advice Okra
A traditional Greek mezes with an intense aroma of garlic and guilt. A mother's phonecall full of prudent advice - equally enjoyed by the single, the divorced and the confirmed bachelors.
Les Salades
Ceasar's Salad of Denial
Tender chunks of unjustifiable optimism with thin slices of assorted illusions such as "this city belongs to me", "the night is still young" and "that blonde over there digs me".
Reality ratatouile
Freshly baked pieces of bitter disappointment served on cool self-sarcasm leaves with a mild cucumber sauce. Many also enjoy it as a hearty breakfast.
Les Poissons
Redhead's herring
Sudden auburn locks fill your peripheral vision as she sits down on the stool next to yours and you sample the first mouthfuls of this carefully steamed fleshy fish; served with brussell sprouts that make you realise that the owner of the beautiful red hair has just broken wind and is, in fact, a bloke.
Seafood platter of nonsense
Electronic message from ex-girlfriend who holds you responsible for everything bad that's happened in her life even two years after you broke up. Garnished with poison ivy and grapes of wrath.
Judgemental ill-tempered mackerel
Old friend's phonecall expressing his (already widely known) opinion that your situation of being single and getting drunk in bars is, in fact, your own doing. Served with crispy criticism cracklings.
Black sea mermaid
You're just one phonecall away from an experience you will never forget. I'm a student from the Ukraine, 22, blonde, statuesque; I'm churpy, imaginative and discreet. Call me. 6976 428231. Served with traditional broken condom almandine.
$240
Les Viandes
Poulet d'évasion
Chicken out of going up to say hello to that slightly chubby one with the gorgeous blue eyes with this hugely popular poultry dish. Served with a smooth self-pity purée.
Canard Roti Sauce Bill Clinton
Juicy slices of sitting duck (maybe your secretary - she definitely fancies you. She's been bringing you far too many cookies, and she "casually" dropped it into the conversation the other day that she's got nobody right now) submerged in a disgustingly capitalist gravy. *
* This dish is endorsed by PACCA (pronounced "pack-her", the Power-Abusing Corporate Chef Association - registered charity #24158351). Every time you order one, our devoted volunteers make sure that at least one secretary is strongly encouraged to abandon her old-fashioned beliefs, show you her underwear, blow you, and get the ice or else no dice.
Bachelor's veal
Meat, meat, meat. A real man's chunk of succulent (yet metaphorical) roast beef. You've got beef. And you're still trying to work out why and with whom. Served with gentle reminders that the joint is about to close from the maitre d'.
Les Desserts
Pitch-black forest gateau
Creamy layers of darker-than-your-darker-moments dark, dark mousse, punctuated with pieces of chocolate of compulsion and topped with lashes of fresh paranoia.
Basket case
Exotically flavoursome slices of kiwi, banana, apple and melon in a crunchy cage made of limitations that you place on yourself, yet persistently blame others for them. Topped with boring vanilla ice cream.
Some dishes may contain nuts, others might drive you nuts.
Consult your therapist before continuing your state of being unmarried
beyond your 37th year of age.
Should tears get in your eyes,
immediately wash away with cold water and go to work early, even if it's 4am.
The contents of this menu are confidential. Should you receive it in error,
please delete it along with all of its herbs and spices.
Uninterested Colleague Mousse
Chilled rejection to an invitation for a drink at the nearest bar after work, garnished with excuses of tiredness and needing to wash one's hair. Served on a bed of "lettuce not"
Unanswered Calls Vichyssoise
A smooth, cool soup of failed attempts to reconnect with female acquaintances of the past, sprinkled with a tangy bad memories syrup
Almost Empty Bar
Mixed looks of pity, understanding and curiosity received as you slowly begin to get smashed in a bar that opens early, immersed in a cold pistou sauce. Also served as a main course.
Les Entrées Chaudes
Deep-fried X-box or Playstation parts
Crispy components of your favourite games console deep-fried in extra-virgin immaturity oil.
Mama's Special Advice Okra
A traditional Greek mezes with an intense aroma of garlic and guilt. A mother's phonecall full of prudent advice - equally enjoyed by the single, the divorced and the confirmed bachelors.
Les Salades
Ceasar's Salad of Denial
Tender chunks of unjustifiable optimism with thin slices of assorted illusions such as "this city belongs to me", "the night is still young" and "that blonde over there digs me".
Reality ratatouile
Freshly baked pieces of bitter disappointment served on cool self-sarcasm leaves with a mild cucumber sauce. Many also enjoy it as a hearty breakfast.
Les Poissons
Redhead's herring
Sudden auburn locks fill your peripheral vision as she sits down on the stool next to yours and you sample the first mouthfuls of this carefully steamed fleshy fish; served with brussell sprouts that make you realise that the owner of the beautiful red hair has just broken wind and is, in fact, a bloke.
Seafood platter of nonsense
Electronic message from ex-girlfriend who holds you responsible for everything bad that's happened in her life even two years after you broke up. Garnished with poison ivy and grapes of wrath.
Judgemental ill-tempered mackerel
Old friend's phonecall expressing his (already widely known) opinion that your situation of being single and getting drunk in bars is, in fact, your own doing. Served with crispy criticism cracklings.
Black sea mermaid
You're just one phonecall away from an experience you will never forget. I'm a student from the Ukraine, 22, blonde, statuesque; I'm churpy, imaginative and discreet. Call me. 6976 428231. Served with traditional broken condom almandine.
$240
Les Viandes
Poulet d'évasion
Chicken out of going up to say hello to that slightly chubby one with the gorgeous blue eyes with this hugely popular poultry dish. Served with a smooth self-pity purée.
Canard Roti Sauce Bill Clinton
Juicy slices of sitting duck (maybe your secretary - she definitely fancies you. She's been bringing you far too many cookies, and she "casually" dropped it into the conversation the other day that she's got nobody right now) submerged in a disgustingly capitalist gravy. *
* This dish is endorsed by PACCA (pronounced "pack-her", the Power-Abusing Corporate Chef Association - registered charity #24158351). Every time you order one, our devoted volunteers make sure that at least one secretary is strongly encouraged to abandon her old-fashioned beliefs, show you her underwear, blow you, and get the ice or else no dice.
Bachelor's veal
Meat, meat, meat. A real man's chunk of succulent (yet metaphorical) roast beef. You've got beef. And you're still trying to work out why and with whom. Served with gentle reminders that the joint is about to close from the maitre d'.
Les Desserts
Pitch-black forest gateau
Creamy layers of darker-than-your-darker-moments dark, dark mousse, punctuated with pieces of chocolate of compulsion and topped with lashes of fresh paranoia.
Basket case
Exotically flavoursome slices of kiwi, banana, apple and melon in a crunchy cage made of limitations that you place on yourself, yet persistently blame others for them. Topped with boring vanilla ice cream.
Some dishes may contain nuts, others might drive you nuts.
Consult your therapist before continuing your state of being unmarried
beyond your 37th year of age.
Should tears get in your eyes,
immediately wash away with cold water and go to work early, even if it's 4am.
The contents of this menu are confidential. Should you receive it in error,
please delete it along with all of its herbs and spices.