To My Mother

[ampoule]

Rough Around the Edges

We tease that you are rough around the edges,
but it's not a joke, is it?
Though your skin is soft, unblemished, I know,
you have hit a few walls, gone past some dead ends,
fallen over some cliffs, but still, you landed on all four,
two to stand firm and two to reach up, and out.
Mean as a snake? No, that is only your costume,
your words may bite, but your actions, the salve that heals.
And why your shoulders do not sag, I am amazed,
so many chips, worn, the colors fading, brittle even,
but still there, even as you polish my patent leather shoes,
curl my long red hair, read stories of princesses eating
poisoned apples or pricking their fingers, your childhood,
ending too soon, lived through mine, and now my love,
the pumice to smooth your rough edges.

I love you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

ampoule, May Tenth, TwoThousandNine

[PrinceMyshkin]

Is it, alas, too late for me to be your mother and receive such a glorious tribute? The reference to her burdens reminded me of a Yiddish saying:


Shoulders are from God, and burdens, too

which I wish were inverted, i.e.:


Burdens are from God, and shoulders, too

[cute angel]

A very nice poem indeed

and ,of course,it is addressed to the dearest person on earth MOTHER

May God protect her for you

[Virgil]

Very lovely Amp. Very strong. The diction and voice so confident, imagery just right while still almost in a conversational tone. Only suggestion. Think of a stronger title. You repeat that phrase twice in the poem and the title makes three.

I forget if you're a mom, but just in case, happy Mother's Day to you and your mom. :)

[Silas Thorne]

Wow! A terrific poem! :) Yes, agree with Virgil on changing the title.

[ampoule]

Thanks very much. :) I just can't think of another title.

[BienvenuJDC]

Here's some brainstorming that might lead you to the right title...
Perfected in Practice (although not perfect...that which she did made up for the rough areas...thus she was perfected)

[ampoule]

Interesting Bien. Nice insight.

[a_little_wisp]

Oh, ampoule. My mother would love this - her childhood ended too quickly as well, but she took it all in stride, and four children and a stepchild later, has still not lost her skill to be a wonderful mother. Born to it, I suppose. Beautiful, colorful lines, Ms. Ruadh. Thanks for sharing!

[qimissung]

"and now my love the pumice to smooth your rough edges." I this poem, and these lines in particular, ampoule; a beautiful tribute to mothers.

[blank|verse]

Wonderful. Certainly one of the best free verse poems I've read on this forum (although I have to admit I don't know much about free verse). I particularly like the way you balance your emotions and express your love for you mum as a person, not just a mother. It would have been very easy to have made the poem cringingly sentimental: a trap a lesser writer would have fallen into.

Being very picky, I think it would help your writing if you used more punctuation marks - colons and semi-colons especially. It's clear that you're wanting the reader to pause at certain points and emphasize others: punctuation marks exist for these reasons. For example, the seven-line sentence that begins 'And why your shoulders do not sag' I found too long, and that I was having to go back and re-read bits with a different emphasis. Even a full-stop (or period, if you prefer) or two might have been useful.

I also found calling your mother 'my love' a bit strange, and something I would associate only with a sexual relationship; but maybe that's a cultural thing?

I hope you take both points in the knowledge that overall I think it's a beautiful poem and I really enjoyed reading it.

As for a different title, why not simply 'To my Mother'?

[Niamh]

This made me think of my mam. Great poem Ampoule! :nod: