The Funeral

[Cellar Door]

She took one last
soft sip
of his condescending nature,
And out the door
she went,
No words nor sorrow
or even a sigh,
And he was blown out
like a match
or a candle.

[Dark Muse]

OOh I really like this one

[MorpheusSandman]

Short and nasty, I dig it.

BTW, you wouldn't happen to be a fan of Donnie Darko would you Cellar Door?

[JBI]

Perhaps remove the obvious, and keep the emotion, so shorten it to something like:


condescending nature;
out the door
No words nor sorrow
or sighs,
blown out
like a match
or a candle.

That seems to pack the same punch, but is much more simple, and less "did you get that." in tone (I find, feel free to reject my suggestions).

[Cellar Door]

Thanks for the compliments and suggestions! Glad everyone liked it. JBI, I will think about your suggestion. Morpheus, never heard of Donnie Darko, sorry.

[qimissung]

I hear where JBI is coming from-one shouldn't tell when writing usually; generally it's considered more powerful to leave something to the imagination, but if you do that with this you lose the similes, and I like them. Like Dark Muse, my initial reaction was OOOH!

[dibyendra]

Intriguing one, and also having a last 3 punchy lines! Good poem! :thumbs_up

[MorpheusSandman]

Morpheus, never heard of Donnie Darko, sorry.In that film they had something about "Cellar Door" being the most perfect phrase in the English language... or something like that.

[Cellar Door]

yeah, morpheus, that's why I picked it. Tolkein said it- if you are interested in linguistics, you should look it up, it's an interesting study. ;)


everyone else, thank you for your kind words.

[MorpheusSandman]

Aha, I always wondered where they got that from. I will read up on it, thanks.