just a jealous jealous guy/girl?

[medusasmile81]

Hi guys, there's this crazy thread on my university forum ("Forum Lettere Moderne di Napoli", Naples, Italy) about jealousy. Most people, generally girls, claim they are jealous cause they love their partners, as jealousy shows you really do. They agree that there must be a limit to jealousy but they won't accept their partner to meet an ex bf or gf, to hang out with someone who's turned out to have a crush on him/her, even though its an old-time friend, and to spend the night in a strip club. Some girls also blame girls trying with guys who already have a relationship, and call them names I won't translate! A few others disagree and consider this form of jealousy a common bias in Naples; they also think that your partner is to blame in case of betrayal and there's still prejudice against sexually enterprising girls. It came out as a joke that we would like to find out what other people from all over the world think of jealousy. Can you help us? :p

[Shalot]

In my opinion people are jealous either because they think they aren't good enough for their partner, or they know on some level that their partner doesn't love them as much as they would like to be loved and they can't deal with it. That is just my opinion. I have been jealous before, back when I was dating and I didn't end up with those people I was dating. Something is wrong in those relationships where that intense jealousy is present, and it doesn't matter whether the jealousy is unfounded or not. I don't know if I was unneccessarily jealous or if I was picking up on the realities of that relationship, but either way it doesn't matter. Intense jealousy is neither good nor healthy for a relationship.

Jealousy should be limited to a slight twinge and that is all.

[Dori]

I've experienced jealousy outside of a relationship, but not really inside one. It's just not worth it. Then again, not being jealous hasn't gotten me far, that's for sure.

[dramasnot6]

Then again, not being jealous hasn't gotten me far, that's for sure.

I know what you mean- sometimes jealousy or suspicion is neccesary,people often dissapoint you if you trust them a lot.
Of course,jealousy usually gets you into trouble and misery more often that when it helps you.

[sprinks]

Jealousy is certainly not an enjoyable thing, and sadly I've experienced jealousy more times than I would have liked. I remember the worst case I had, I was still incredibly in love with someone and then stuff happened and he was with someone else and I was so jealous and I didn't know how to express my feelings, so I ended up in a massive argument with him. Once we all got everything sorted out the jealousy went away and we were all happy again, but then later on when we were together again, he asked if he could go to the movies with a female friend of his, and jealousy made another appearance. :bawling:
But as much as it was a time where I was experiencing jealousy, it was also the first time that I really learnt what trust means to me, that was about a year ago now, and I realised that without trust there is nothing, becuase you will always feel that jealousy and that worry, and simply, it sucks. So i began to trust, but at first it was hard because I was worried about getting hurt.

Even though jealousy is not a positive thing in itself, it can sometimes bring about positive things in learning how to trust and learning how you can control the green-eyed monster! :D

[sprinks]

I know what you mean- sometimes jealousy or suspicion is neccesary,people often dissapoint you if you trust them a lot.
Of course,jealousy usually gets you into trouble and misery more often that when it helps you.

I suppose the question is do you trust too much and risk being taken advantage of and being dissapointed, or do you live a life of suspicion and end up losing the trust of other people because you yourself do not trust them?

[Dori]

I suppose the question is do you trust too much and risk being taken advantage of and being dissapointed, or do you live a life of suspicion and end up losing the trust of other people because you yourself do not trust them?

The former, to a lesser degree, I suspect. I haven't had enough experiences, though, to really say.

[Chava]

Jealousy is allright. The trouble is imposing how you feel upon your partner. An ex tried to forbid me talking to some people because he was jealous. Of course i didn't 'obey'.
So with much relief my next relationship was completely different. I have nearly only male friends, and i suppose i'm flirtatious by nature. So out of concern i asked the boy how he felt about it. He said that it made him very jealous, but that it was his problem to deal with that, since he loved me for the person i was, and wouldn't want me to change. He was a wonderful guy.

[ClaesGefvenberg]

I've experienced jealousy outside of a relationship, but not really inside one. It's just not worth it. I have been subjected to it from the inside, and it was not a pleasent experience. it was also 100% counterproductive, as it effectively ended that relationship. I.e: I soon had enough and bailed out.


I suppose the question is do you trust too much and risk being taken advantage of and being dissapointed, or do you live a life of suspicion and end up losing the trust of other people because you yourself do not trust them?Well said. I generally trust people until they prove that I should not. This way of reasoning has occasionally caused me some grief, but in the long run it has been worth it. I am happy with myself and sleep well at night.

/Claes

[Pensive]

I don't remember the last time I really felt jealous of anybody. I think I just can't. As a joke, you might hear me saying 'oh I am really jealous' to someone who has seen the snow but in actual being jealous of person as a whole isn't me. Probably because I think too highly of myself and probably because I am a person who is doubtful about the happiness that lies inside those people. I mean what do I know how many gloomy corners are there in the life of those people I am supposed to be jealous of...(there are many 'can be's)


I've experienced jealousy outside of a relationship, but not really inside one. It's just not worth it. Then again, not being jealous hasn't gotten me far, that's for sure.

It all depends. This year a girl came new into our class in school and she really wanted to befriend a very good friend of mine in school too (with whom I sat and all that) and she started to a kind of force her to spend time with her too. All the time she wanted her to be there with her talking to her, studying with her. Some mutual friends through their conversations appeared to be asking me if I were jealous. Some even said that I was supposed to be jealous of that new girl. I thought about it and let it go. I mean one can have many friends and it's not necessary that she/he should always be glued to only one.

Now the situation is that friend of mine (about from five years we have been very close) and I hardly talk. I do not have the guts to go and talk to her while that new girl has her absorbed in her or because it would you know do something to my ego....because I expect her to be the first one to make conversation because it was due to her that this has been the condition of our friendship. When we come across each other, I have little to say to her, little to tell her. I don't know what to say... You would be wondering where jealousy comes in all this story but I think if I had become jealous of the new girl at that time and would have said something about it things might have been better. The situation could have been opposite too. There could have been a fight where my friend could have said that she had the right to be with whomever she wanted or that I was mistaking too....But then the question comes that I could have solved this problem without getting jealous, couldn't I? Could have tried to talk to my friend about it. Now this probably would have been the best option. I could have solved the problem without getting jealous.

If at times jealousy does work, it doesn't mean it's the best option....so over all I think it's better to avoid it...I know it is a natural emotion and one probably can't help it but one can help it when it comes to putting this emotion in practice....

[AuntShecky]

The word "envy" and "jealousy" are slightly different in nuance, are they not? (Both emotions are rooted in the
self, though.) In the former, one envies or "covets" --to use that Biblical word-- something or someone another person possesses. With "jealousy" the person already possesses the item (or the person as in a relationship) and
is struck by the fear that the loved one may be usurped by someone else? Or am I wrong here?

[sprinks]

The word "envy" and "jealousy" are slightly different in nuance, are they not? (Both emotions are rooted in the
self, though.) In the former, one envies or "covets" --to use that Biblical word-- something or someone another person possesses. With "jealousy" the person already possesses the item (or the person as in a relationship) and
is struck by the fear that the loved one may be usurped by someone else? Or am I wrong here?

Basically that sounds right, to me at least, but I think both can be used in the same situations, like if someone else has something you want, you can be both envious and/or jealous of them for having it, but in the case of a relationship it's more likely that if your boyfriend or girlfriend etc wants to go on an outing with another member of the other sex you would be jealous...

...or perhaps you would be envious of the other person because they have the attention of your boyfriend or girlfriend? :confused:

aaaagh! :brickwall I've confused myself but I'm afraid the English language often does that to me! :p (it's late now and I should be sleeping, not thinking about things like this!)

Basically I think there is no definite distinction between the two words and they are both appropriate for certain contexts, but I may be wrong so feel free to clear up the confusion! :D

[manolia]

I agree with Shalot ;)

I am not jealous of my bf. He has never given me reason to these 5 years ;)

[medusasmile81]

I generally trust people until they prove that I should not. This way of reasoning has occasionally caused me some grief, but in the long run it has been worth it. I am happy with myself and sleep well at night.
/Claes
I totally agree. I confess I still get amazed when someone with a different life and background writes down something I could write myself... Well, not so properly I guess.:yawnb:
Imho jealousy has more to do with lack of self-confidence rather than love.

[Chava]

I agree with Shalot, too. I don't think jealousy is ever healthy in a relationship. Of any kind. Jealousy says the relationship is "right" and the person feeling the jealousy, whether founded or unfounded, is immature and not ready for a relationship.

Just my opinion, of course.

Well, i don't necessarily agree with this. We can't help how we feel. Jealousy is feeling possesive and insecure. you don't trust that you are enough for that person. So maybe they too need to make an effort to make you feel confident about it. Confirm you in your belief that this is a mutual love.
I just htink it's important to distinguish those short stabs of jealousy from the emotions that really matter. I can be completely in love with someone, and trust them with my life, yet upon occasion feel jealous that they might have the same form of companionship with someone else.
But it is my choice not to act on it, and instead ignore that sensation, by trusting him. And thus far that has worked just fine.

[ClaesGefvenberg]

I totally agree. I confess I still get amazed when someone with a different life and background writes down something I could write myself...So do I, and that is one of the really brilliant aspects of truly international fora like this one: It proves that we are not so very different after all. :thumbs_up

/Claes