Becoming A Parent

[pussnboots]

As some of you know from reading my blog, my husband and I are currently in the process of adopting a child. Some of the things that I have talked about seemed to have touched a nerve about the process one has to go thru in order to adopt. For instance: other people get to decide if we would be accetpable parents.
Imagine if this was made a law that anyone who wants to become a parent (have child biologically) they would have to have their background checked, have a home study done, submit tons of paperwork , pay a lot of money upfront and have periodic visits from a social worker until the child reaches 18years old.
Would this mean a possible decrease in child abuse cases? Would this make people think twice about having a child ?
What are your thoughts ?

[Prole]

Eugenics? Don't let poor or stupid people breed unless they work hard and succeed as wage slaves? There are so many damn things wrong with that I don't know where to start! I'm gonna say no on this one I think!

[Sweets America]

I'm glad you created the thread, this is such a challenging question! I guess there are good and bad parts. In a way one can think that it would help make people responsible, but on the other hand, I have real trouble with the fact that people could decide for other people about such an intimate thing. Plus, my problem is that I am not sure that anyone knows the definition of a good parent, nor am I sure that this definition exists. It is all so complicated.

Take my mother, for instance. We've had many difficulties in our relationship, a love-hate thing because she was overprotective. At one point I decided that she was not a very good mother and that she loved me the wrong way. But, today, years have passed and I am sure that she is indeed a great mother and I am very lucky to have her. I think I have been a good and a bad daughter at different times, it depends. But I do know that even if my mother sometimes made mistakes and had trouble handling this relationship, she did her best and that resulted in something beautiful. I realize more and more what a good person she is.

Anyway, I think this is quite difficult to judge who is a good parent or not. Plus this must be very difficult as well to judge who will be a good parent. To answer the question, I think that some part of me would tend to answer 'no' because I really have trouble with people trying to direct other people's lives, but I think my reasoning is kind of biased.

[Shalot]

I do wonder why they make you jump through so many hoops when all you're trying to do is provide a permenant loving home for a child who wouldn't have one otherwise. And then there are those foster homes and some of those foster parents aren't worth a crap. There was a news story here where the foster father killed the foster child and as it turns out he was an abusive foster father all along.

So, I guess they're trying to make sure you and your husband aren't psychos or something. They have to do something to cover their butts. Although it sounds unfair to me, given there are parents who do bad things to their biological children all the time and there is no social worker coming in there. In fact, people don't want to stick they're noses in those situations because they feel like it's none of their business.

[vheissu]

One of my school teachers adopted a little girl when I was still a student there, and I remember her telling us about the whole adoption procedure. And we did end up discussing what you're suggesting, whether potential parents who want to have a kid either biologically or by adoption, should first go through some checks.

I have to say, I actually agree with some of the procedures. One huge problem this country has is the amount of young people (teenagers, really) who get pregnant, stop school, receive money from the government and just...have more kids!
I've been living with 2 medical students for a few years, from which I've heard quite a few stories of small children arriving at the clinic with 'non-accidental injuries'....

It would definetely make people think twice or at least raise awereness of protection! And yes, it would decrease the numbers of child abuse.

I don't agree with all the procedures though. One of which you've mentioned: the amount of money given by parents adopting a child. It feels wrong somehow...

[TheFifthElement]

It's an interesting question pussnboots but it's probably the wrong question, or perhaps focussed in the wrong direction. Considering what's involved in the adoption process it's kind of easy to ask this question:

Imagine if this was made a law that anyone who wants to become a parent (have child biologically) they would have to have their background checked, have a home study done, submit tons of paperwork , pay a lot of money upfront and have periodic visits from a social worker until the child reaches 18years old.

but how do you stop them, and it is right to intervene to prevent the natural urge/process of procreation? If someone became pregnant accidentally and were not deemed a 'suitable' parent would they be forced to abort? Would they be forced to give the child up to a 'suitable' parent? This, as a system, would be both unpalatable and unworkable. You can't prevent people from having children, but if someone wants to take over responsibility for a child, it would be a fairly irresponsible State that allowed this to occur without taking some steps to check that the persons motives were right and that they weren't giving the child over to a paedophile, or someone who would force the child into a position of slavery/enforced labour. This is where this comes in:


For instance: other people get to decide if we would be accetpable parents.

I'm not familiar with the kind of testing thats involved, but I'd imagine that the tests are not designed to show if you will be a 'good' parent, but perhaps more to see if you have the right sort of attitude, and the coping skills to be able to manage the responsibility of a child. But it goes further than that because adoption, I would imagine, is more stressful and more difficult than having a child of your own. Bear in mind that when you are going to become a biological parent you have 9 months of preparation before the baby arrives, during which time you are able to mentally and emotionally adjust to the situation and the child is already there. After birth, for the mother anyway, there are chemical changes which occur in the body which assist the process of bonding with the child, and a baby, whilst a shock to the system, has fairly simple needs so you learn along with the child. Adoption, on the other hand, is a significant leap all in one step. Perhaps the length of the process, and the kind of tests they put you through, are in part designed to prepare you mentally and emotionally for this burden. Plus the State should set the example - whilst they can't prevent 'unsuitable' people from becoming parents, they can set the tone. Through the process they are making a statement 'if you want to become a parent, this is what we think good parents should look like'.

Consider your question a different way - if you had a child (biologically) and for some reason you were unable to take care of it, say for example you were dying and had no family to take care of it, would you be happy for it to be handed over to the first person that came along and asked for it, or would you want there to be some sort of criteria to select a 'suitable' parent for your child?

This is an interesting statement:

Would this make people think twice about having a child ?

as it pre-supposes that people think about it at all. Most people who want children turn out to be pretty okay parents, but the reality is that a lot of pregnancies are unplanned, and even with a planned child you really don't know how you'll cope until you get there. That being said, I do think that better post-child support systems need to be in place, to ensure that people who aren't coping, or children who find themselves in danger , have somewhere to go to get help. The way it works at the moment, well certainly in my country, is that there is a small amount of support immediately after birth, and following that there's a big vacuum in which you're left to figure it out for yourself. It used to be that the extended family would have been your support system but now society is increasingly disjointed, for a lot of people there aren't any support systems available to them.

Just as a side issue, this statement (as quoted above)

Imagine if this was made a law that anyone who wants to become a parent (have child biologically) they would have to have their background checked, have a home study done, submit tons of paperwork , pay a lot of money upfront and have periodic visits from a social worker until the child reaches 18years old... Would this make people think twice about having a child
I had a very similar discussion with my husband the other day along these lines about dogs (stop me now!).

[Granny5]

I understand it's a long, hard process to adopt a child. I know a few families who have been denied because of some imagined problem and some who should have been denied because of some unseen problem. I would think that it will be worth all the trouble, time, and money when you have your child to love the rest of your life. Don't get discouraged. Bearing a child isn't a piece of cake either and it takes a long nine months to finally have the child. I promise it's worth every uncomfortable minute and every labor pain. I'm sure it's the same for adoption.

[motherhubbard]

There is a short story and I can’t remember the name but maybe something like Super Toys Last All Summer Long or something close to that. They made a movie about it with that pay it forward kid. Anyway, this thread made me think of it.

We couldn’t have a system like that because only the rich would be able to afford to go through the process and a huge number of people (and maybe even those who have the most children) would not qualify as good parents. This wouldn’t work for the same reason Huxley had more deltas and gammas than alphas. Neglected, abused, malnourished, underprivileged, or mentally challenged children are more likely to be the realistic equivalent to deltas and gammas. That is not to say that these children can not overcome their background, just that the cards are stacked against them.

Besides, no one is a perfect parent. Sometimes I think that all we can do is our best and be willing to pay for the therapy to undo our mistakes-

[Granny5]

MH, I have no idea what you're talking about and it's probably a good thing or you would have been an only child.

[motherhubbard]

:bawling: you just don't want to pay for the therapy!! I'm just kidding, mom. ;)

[Pensive]

Imagine if this was made a law that anyone who wants to become a parent (have child biologically) they would have to have their background checked, have a home study done, submit tons of paperwork , pay a lot of money upfront and have periodic visits from a social worker until the child reaches 18years old.
Would this mean a possible decrease in child abuse cases? Would this make people think twice about having a child ?
What are your thoughts ?

Wow, we don't have these visits from social-workers and such stuff here. Can be quite a negative thing. When the earthquake came here and many people became homeless some people took the Pathan women (very beautiful), mostly little girls for adoption and it was not much taken care of who adopted them and why....and later it quite turned out to be that the girls were 'exported' or were got into training for prostitution....though it's complicated but I think that it's a sort of better to take care of children.