Autumn Melody

[Pendragon]

This was, of course, my poem from the contest, and thanks to the two brave souls who voted for it. Now any feedback would be great.

Autumn Melody

The trees upon the mountainside are bright with color,
An entire artist’s usual working palette.
And the ginkgo trees in town touched by King Midas,
Almost overnight turned a lovely shade of pure gold.

An entire artist’s usual working palette,
Now from below in the valley I can name each type of tree.
Almost overnight turned a lovely shade of purest gold—
Hickory—that means squirrels have found their harvest.

Now from below in the valley I can almost name each type of tree.
That brilliant red is a maple of that I may be sure.
Hickory—that means squirrels have found their harvest.
Dull brown to purple marks an oak tree very clearly.

That brilliant red is a maple of that I may be sure.
Yellow like the sun, pointing out a mighty popular; the tulip tree.
Dull brown to purple marks an oak tree very clearly.
Scarlet sumac, banana-cream birches, and verdant evergreens.

Yellow like the sun, pointing out a mighty popular; the tulip tree.
And the ginkgo trees in town touched by King Midas,
Scarlet sumac, banana-cream birches, and verdant evergreens.
The trees upon the mountainside are bright with color…

[symphony]

I think the repeatations work very well in this, Pen. I liked the ringing enthusiasm of the poet in pointing out each of the trees. Autumn's colors and scents speaks out clearly, almost as if u can touch it. :)

[Virgil]

I didn't comment, but all the autumn poems were very good. I like this very much Pen and for some reason now that it's standing alone it looks even better. I'm thinking maybe I should have voted for this one. For some reason this line: "Hickory—that means squirrels have found their harvest." really absorbs me. It has such implied dynamism in it. I can see the squirrels rustling about and hitting upon their nuts and then with satisfaction sitting up and eating them. Of course the color of the rest of the poem is wonderful. Very nice as were all the poems.

[ktd222]

Pen,

I found your poem quite wonderful. The image of an autumn landscape painted in with these vibrant colors lends the landscape life; yet the fact that it’s just paint makes the landscape lifeless, artificial. I like that idea of autumn. But that’s not to say your poem is not insightful. I felt like as the landscape was being created, truths were being revealed to me for the first time. I don’t know what to do with all the line shifts you have going on in your poem. I know it has something to do with illustrating the title but I’m not sure. Maybe if there was some sort of direction coupled with the line shifts then it would make sense. It’s still a great poem!

[littlewing53]

i love this place, pen...can you tell me the path to get there!!...lw

[TheFifthElement]

Very clever, very clever poem Pen, bright with the colours of autumn. I love 'banana-cream birches', so evocative and a wonderful image. I have a birch tree in my front garden, and from now on I will always think of it as banana-cream :)

[barbara0207]

Wonderful "palette" of autumn colours, Pen! Lovely.

[firefangled]

This was, of course, my poem from the contest, and thanks to the two brave souls who voted for it. Now any feedback would be great.

Autumn Melody

The trees upon the mountainside are bright with color,
An entire artist’s usual working palette.
And the ginkgo trees in town touched by King Midas,
Almost overnight turned a lovely shade of pure gold.

An entire artist’s usual working palette,
Now from below in the valley I can name each type of tree.
Almost overnight turned a lovely shade of purest gold—
Hickory—that means squirrels have found their harvest.

Now from below in the valley I can almost name each type of tree.
That brilliant red is a maple of that I may be sure.
Hickory—that means squirrels have found their harvest.
Dull brown to purple marks an oak tree very clearly.

That brilliant red is a maple of that I may be sure.
Yellow like the sun, pointing out a mighty popular; the tulip tree.
Dull brown to purple marks an oak tree very clearly.
Scarlet sumac, banana-cream birches, and verdant evergreens.

Yellow like the sun, pointing out a mighty popular; the tulip tree.
And the ginkgo trees in town touched by King Midas,
Scarlet sumac, banana-cream birches, and verdant evergreens.
The trees upon the mountainside are bright with color…

Not only enjoyable to read, Pen, but your knowledge of the flora where you are is remarkable. And then there is your ease with this form. Well done!

[ampoule]

Mmm...banana cream. This poem appeals to all of my senses. Very lovely.

[dibyendra]

I love autumn Pen, and you portrayed the picture of autumn, colors so gracefully. And the repetition works so fine in your melodious poem.:thumbs_up If climatical feelings of autumn were there in your poem, wouldn't that poem be so great Pen ?

[Pendragon]

Pen,

I found your poem quite wonderful. The image of an autumn landscape painted in with these vibrant colors lends the landscape life; yet the fact that it’s just paint makes the landscape lifeless, artificial. I like that idea of autumn. But that’s not to say your poem is not insightful. I felt like as the landscape was being created, truths were being revealed to me for the first time. I don’t know what to do with all the line shifts you have going on in your poem. I know it has something to do with illustrating the title but I’m not sure. Maybe if there was some sort of direction coupled with the line shifts then it would make sense. It’s still a great poem!
OK. The reason for the shifting lines is I wrote a Pantoum, a form of poetry, which rather than explain, I'll give you a link to a page about writng them. Then you may understand the complexity of the form better. I use a number of different forms in writing poetry, so if something seems a bit off it, It may just be that you haven't seen the form yet.

http://www.baymoon.com/~ariadne/form/pantoum.htm

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/Dale.gif

[motherhubbard]

Pen, I haven't had much time to look at all of the poems. I'm so glad I saw this one. I love the fall and I can see right where you're standing in this poem. I'll be thinking of it for the next few weeks when I'm driving around and enjoying my own mountains. It's lovely.

[mazHur]

Pen, i think it ought to be POPLAR in your last stanza?

[quasimodo1]

Dear Pen, I love your poem; let me be audacious and make a positive criticism or three. The word "lovely" in the first stanza and the word "mighty" in the last could be replaced by words more intensly descriptive and less "commonly used". Also, I can visualize the poem entirely written in the present tense which might increase the effect by an exponent or two. Respectfully, quasi