Tell Me A Joke [Archive] - Literature Network Forums

Jay

11-29-2005, 03:00 PM

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

smilingtearz

11-29-2005, 03:01 PM

TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
Student: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.

smilingtearz

11-29-2005, 03:02 PM

lol...gud one @ JAY :lol: :lol:

here's another one

TEACHER : Greg, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
Greg: No, teacher, it's the same dog !

smilingtearz

11-29-2005, 03:04 PM

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
student: A teacher

Jay

11-29-2005, 03:05 PM

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."

Jay

11-29-2005, 03:21 PM

Evasion Tactics

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

papayahed

11-29-2005, 03:29 PM

starrwriter

11-29-2005, 03:33 PM

A sandwich goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

(That joke is so old it has whiskers.)

Jay

11-29-2005, 04:45 PM

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Jay

11-29-2005, 04:47 PM

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

:p

kilted exile

11-29-2005, 05:39 PM

Patient: Doctor, I've got a lettuce growing out of my butt.
Doctor: Don't worry thats just the tip of the iceberg

starrwriter

11-29-2005, 05:59 PM

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
I love lawyer jokes.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish.

What do you call 4 lawyers drowned in a car at the bottom of a lake?
A good beginning.

papayahed

11-29-2005, 07:02 PM

If you're american going into the restroom and American when you leave the restroom what are you in the restroom???

Euro-PEE-an

kilted exile

11-29-2005, 07:59 PM

Once upon a time there was a rich Lord, and in keeping with tradition he decided to commission an artist to paint a portrait of his wife. The Lord doesnt know much about about art but he has heard of Rembrandt and Van Gogh, so decides to hire a dutch artist to come over and do the painting.

So the artist comes over and he introduces him to his wife. Later after his wife leaves he turns to the painter and says "Look, as you can see my wife is not the prettiest women in the world. In fact people have said that she is downright ugly. So I would appreciate it if you could paint her with sympathy."

A couple of weeks later it is time for the unveilling and many distinguished guests are present. When the Lord removes the cover from the painting however he sees a picture of the village blacksmith with his hand down his wifes top.

The Lord is outraged and starts berating the artist. The artist apologises and says "I'm soorry but I dont speak english good, so I look up sympathy in your dictionary. Sympathy: A strong fellow feeling in the bosom."

smilingtearz

11-30-2005, 07:44 AM

:lol: :lol:

adilyoussef

11-30-2005, 07:59 AM

Hi Eva! What do you have agains teachers. Hum! Any way, there are good ones. I like them. Good thread.

smilingtearz

11-30-2005, 08:05 AM

hey cm'on i really have nothing against teachers:D ...i respect my teachers and... u know that i want to become one.... dont u?!

here's another joke..

smilingtearz

11-30-2005, 08:06 AM

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don''t you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don''t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we''ll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

smilingtearz

11-30-2005, 08:06 AM

Ques.What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Ans. A pimp.

smilingtearz

11-30-2005, 08:08 AM

Things I Learned From Movies

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

smilingtearz

11-30-2005, 08:09 AM

~~continued~~

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

from a joke site

smilingtearz

11-30-2005, 02:19 PM

~~An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is sexy keep the apple away!!

RobinHood3000

11-30-2005, 05:26 PM

Don't forget:

32. Any person who is mortally wounded will necessarily cling to life long enough to deliver an emotionally profound speech. But only just.

Nightshade

12-01-2005, 08:02 AM

33. peopel whose heart has stopped cabn still be resusittated up to 10 minutes later by hand.

smilingtearz

12-01-2005, 10:26 AM

34.A girl always finds a recorded message on the phone, from her ex-boyfriend...right when she enters home after the first date out with her new guy..!!...and the message can be the Really EMOTIONAL kinds...

smilingtearz

12-01-2005, 11:06 AM

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him"Rover" or "Spot."
I call mine Sex.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she
looked like.
I said, "You don't understand ...I have had Sex since I was nine
years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like
to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding
was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole
world revolves around Sex.
" He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would
not marry us in his church. I told ! him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV. " He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I
went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

papayahed

12-01-2005, 03:00 PM

A couple lived on a fairly deserted country road. One rainy night around 3 am they heard a knock on their door. The huband got out of bed, looking through the peep hole he saw a man standing on his porch. "Who are you and what do you want?" the husband yelled through the door. The man on the porch yelled back "My car brokedown just down the road. I was wondering if you could give me a push". The husband told the man he couldn't help and went back to bed. Once in bed the wife asked what the yelling was about. The husband told her about the man and his car. The wife looked at her husband in disgust and reminded him of the last time her car brokedown and the help she recieved from strangers.

Against his better judgement the man donned his robe and boots and went out to help the stranger. It was a very dark rainy night and the husband could barely see in front of him. He yelled out to the stranger "Hey buddy?" The stranger answered back "Yeah?"
"My wife talked me into helping you, where are you I'll give you that push."

"I'm over here on the swings" answered the man.

Nightshade

12-01-2005, 04:44 PM

:lol:
:lol:
:lol:

oh wow ROFLOL that was great papaya
sadly IM hopless at jokes

starrwriter

12-01-2005, 06:06 PM

oh wow ROFLOL that was great papaya.
Sorry, but I didn't get the joke. The stranger is on a swing set in the rain and he wants a push? How is that funny?

papayahed

12-01-2005, 06:31 PM

Sorry, but I didn't get the joke. The stranger is on a swing set in the rain and he wants a push? How is that funny?

Carp!! I forgot to mention the stranger was wearing a green shirt.

Stanislaw

12-01-2005, 06:54 PM

Poland, in the days before democracy settled down, went through times as bad as anywhere in Europe. After centuries of occupation by so many nations, being free from the Russian yoke was a weird experience; Poland emerged blinking into the bright lights of democracy and freedom.
Of course it was not like that at all; Poles knew what freedom was, and took to it like children in a sweet shop. But there were problems, and the shortages did not disappear overnight ... So when his last light bulb burned out, Old Stefan knew he'd have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and there would probably be none left by the time he got to the front of the queue). So he went up into his attic and started rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembered from decades ago.
He found the old brass lamp in a corner, stained with grime of ages. He started to polish it and a Genie appeared in cloud of smoke.
"Hello, Mortal!" said the Genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
The old man was astounded. But you don't live to his age in Central Europe without thinking on your feet. "I want Ghengis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he has no argument with the Poles, and march back home."
"No sooner said than done!" thunders the Genie. "Your second wish?"
"Ok. I want Ghengis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he has no argument with the Poles, and march back home."
"Hmmm. Well, if you're sure. Your third wish?"
"I want Ghengis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his...”
"We've done this, we've been there. What's this business about Ghengis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?"
The old man has a gentle smile, but there's no humour in his eyes ...
"He has to pass through Russia six times."
:lol: :D :bawling: :D

starrwriter

12-01-2005, 09:35 PM

Carp!! I forgot to mention the stranger was wearing a green shirt.
You're driving me crazy, Papayahed. :brickwall

RobinHood3000

12-01-2005, 09:41 PM

What's wrong with people in green shirts???

starrwriter

12-01-2005, 09:46 PM

What's wrong with people in green shirts???
They are not FUNNY.

Zachisgnarly

12-01-2005, 09:57 PM

knock knock.. whos there? Amy.. Amy who? A-mosquito just bit me... Knock Knock.. whos there? Andy ... Andy who? andy he bit me again........ :)

starrwriter

12-02-2005, 01:33 AM

knock knock.. whos there? Amy.. Amy who? A-mosquito just bit me... Knock Knock.. whos there? Andy ... Andy who? andy he bit me again.
It's nap time for you kindergarten students.

A woman writer I know was recently asked by a reader if she was sure about some facts she included in an article. Her reply: "Do Catholic choir boys sleep with one eye open?"

Now that's funny.

papayahed

12-02-2005, 10:30 AM

It's nap time for you kindergarten students.

A woman writer I know was recently asked by a reader if she was sure about some facts she included in an article. Her reply: "Do Catholic choir boys sleep with one eye open?"

Now that's funny.

I dunno, are they wearing green?

Nightshade

12-02-2005, 11:18 AM

kilted exile

12-03-2005, 05:43 PM

A friend just e-mailed me this:

CORPORATE ZODIAC
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out.

CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR: Independent-minded, and unique of wit. You are a loser. Goddamn mercenaries like you who can't hold a steady job shouldn't be allowed to roam the earth. Everyone laughs at you behind your back.

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your work place. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel..."

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization. Combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "MiddleManagers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child, very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

papayahed

12-03-2005, 06:29 PM

However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel..."

No, what?

s10cr

adilyoussef

12-03-2005, 06:42 PM

I'm not good at jokes. But I've some on my PC.

1.Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

2.My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

3.God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

4.Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

5.ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

6.Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

7.probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

papayahed

12-04-2005, 12:11 PM

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't you get down from a goose.

Note: Yes, I know this is a stupid joke. I heard it when I was a kid and never understood it (I'd say a good 10 years) until I was walking down the bedding aisle and I saw a goose down pillow and it was like a light bulb went off.

starrwriter

12-04-2005, 12:53 PM

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't, you get down from a goose.
Okay, you asked for it:

How does an elephant prepare for a long trip?

He packs his trunk.

(Tee-hee.)

papayahed

12-05-2005, 10:41 AM

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

starrwriter

12-05-2005, 11:50 AM

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
No punch line?

papayahed

12-05-2005, 12:04 PM

No punch line?

The Chipmunks were wearing green shirts.

Scheherazade

12-05-2005, 12:07 PM

*edit*
The Chipmunks were wearing green shirts. Darn! You beat me to it!!!

:D

starrwriter

12-05-2005, 12:33 PM

The Chipmunks were wearing green shirts.
You have a thing for green clothes, but is it funny? NOT!

AimusSage

12-05-2005, 01:06 PM

I think it's funny :D

Nightshade

12-05-2005, 01:46 PM

I saw the punch line!
anyway green is a good color but since msost of my clothes arer green does this make me funny??

Jay

12-05-2005, 01:50 PM

Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Therapist?
A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation, whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.

starrwriter

12-05-2005, 02:10 PM

...anyway green is a good color but since msost of my clothes arer green does this make me funny??
No. Green is not inherently funny despite Papayahed's fixation.

starrwriter

12-05-2005, 02:12 PM

Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Therapist?
A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation, whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.
Kill me now. (Before I read another "joke.")

papayahed

12-05-2005, 02:16 PM

No. Green is not inherently funny despite Papayahed's fixation.

Green IS funny but only when used to get under Starr's skin.

Jay

12-05-2005, 02:22 PM

I chanced to pass a window
While walking through a mall
With nothing much upon my mind,
Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window
A cranky-faced old man,
And why he looked so cranky
I didn't understand.
Just why he looked at ME that way
Was more than I could see
Until I came to realize
That cranky man was ME!

:angel:

starrwriter

12-05-2005, 03:25 PM

Green IS funny but only when used to get under Starr's skin.
Humor from the land of cow tippers, where people sneak up on cows at night, tip them over and laugh like it was the funniest thing since "American Pie."

RobinHood3000

12-05-2005, 05:51 PM

Now that wasn't very nice.

If green's funny, then I must be the most hysterical guy on the face of the planet.

<-----

papayahed

12-05-2005, 06:02 PM

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

papayahed

12-05-2005, 06:06 PM

"American Pie."

Never saw it.

baddad

12-05-2005, 11:47 PM

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny......

starrwriter

12-06-2005, 12:15 AM

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny......
*Starrwriter removes sumarai sword from wall, presses blade point against chest, and falls on it. Hara-kiri preferable to forum jokes.*

RobinHood3000

12-06-2005, 06:32 AM

You thought THAT was bad? Try this one on for size:

Two computer geeks are trying out the hot-air balloon at the Carny when it breaks free of the restraining ropes, sending them off into the wind. After a couple of days, they have absolutely no idea where they are when the see a tall building with a person on top of it. They shout down to the person, "WHERE ARE WE??" The person shouts back, "YOU ARE HERE!!!" One computer geek turns to the other and says, "We're in Seattle. That's Microsoft HQ."

Nightshade

12-06-2005, 06:46 AM

:confused:

You know these jokes are begining to sound like the kind my sister says before we all run away screaming last birthday I think she ended up with3 joke books in the end.

Q:Why did the dinosour cross the road?
A: Becaue the chicken wasnt around yet.

starrwriter

12-06-2005, 11:49 AM

Two computer geeks are trying out the hot-air balloon at the Carny when it breaks free of the restraining ropes, sending them off into the wind. After a couple of days, they have absolutely no idea where they are when the see a tall building with a person on top of it. They shout down to the person, "WHERE ARE WE??" The person shouts back, "YOU ARE HERE!!!" One computer geek turns to the other and says, "We're in Seattle. That's Microsoft HQ."

That's a respectable joke. It has subtle humor and a put-down of Bill Gates. Everyone loves to hate Gates. He probably cries about it all the way to the bank.

papayahed

12-06-2005, 02:40 PM

That's a respectable joke.

:goof: huh? Out of all that comedy genius, that's the joke you like?????

I had to think about that joke for a few minutes..

amuse

12-06-2005, 02:45 PM

my fave so far is "I am the ninth letter..." it just tickled me.

papayahed

12-06-2005, 02:46 PM

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."

starrwriter

12-06-2005, 02:51 PM

Out of all that comedy genius, that's the joke you like?????
(She's a genius -- and modest, too.)
I told you I have a weird sense of humor.

I had to think about that joke for a few minutes...
My point exactly: subtle.

papayahed

12-06-2005, 02:53 PM

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.

starrwriter

12-06-2005, 02:58 PM

Scheherazade

12-06-2005, 03:02 PM

I told you I have a weird sense of humor.
Maybe Starr is wearing a green shirt too after all!

:p

Zippy

12-06-2005, 03:15 PM

I have to share this joke, if only because without a doubt it's the worst joke ever. I read it today in the Daily Record - a national newspaper here in Scotland:

A bank clerk by the name of Patti Wack is behind the counter one morning when a frog hops in. It comes to the desk and says "I'd like to apply for a £20,000 loan please." Patti looks a bit shocked and then says, "Certainly, could I take a few details first - what's your name?"
"Kermit Jagger," replies the frog. "I'm Mike Jagger's son."
"And what will you be putting down as collateral?" asks Patti.
In reply the frog produces a tiny pink porcelin elephant. "This is my collateral," it says.
Patti is even more confused and calls for the manager and explains the situation. "I just don't understand it," she says.
In reply the bank manager says:
"It's a nick-nack Patti Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

I'm really sorry, but I felt compelled to share it - misery loves company.

Taliesin

12-06-2005, 03:57 PM

Putin visits a school in Russia.

He makes his speech and in the end he asks if anyone has any questions?

Vova stands up and asks three questions:

1. Why is Hodorovski imprisoned?
2. Why do most people in Russia live in poverty?
3. Why are human rights constantly being violated in Russia?

Putin thinks what to answer but then the bell rings and students go out of the class.

When the next lesson starts, he asks , if anyone has got any questions.

Petja stands up:

1. Why is Hodorovski imprisoned?
2. Why do most people in Russia live in poverty?
3. Why are human rights constantly being violated in Russia?
4. Why did the bell ring 15 minutes earlier?
5. Where is Vova?

*

Graduation at a catholic nunnery school.

The abbess asks the girls who they want to be.

Sister Ann: I want to become a teacher.
Abbess: Good, good, my child. Teacher is a very good and godly proffession. And you, Maria?
Sister Maria: I want to become a doctor.
Abbess: Yes, very good. Doctor is also a very good profession. ANd you, sister Mary?
Sister Mary: I want to become a prostitute!

The abbess faints. When she comes around, she asks: What did you say?

Sister Mary: I want to become a prostitute!
Abbess: Thank God! I heard: "protestant"

papayahed

12-06-2005, 07:27 PM

You mean like a proton? Or a positron?

The Hydrogen atom was wearing a green shirt.

Shea

12-06-2005, 08:01 PM

You might have heard this one before.

A man was walking down the street and he passed a mental asylum. He heard all the inmates shouting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" The asylum was surrounded by a tall wooden fence, so out of curiosity he looked through a hole in the fence to see what was going on. Then he got poked in his eye! As he was running away, he heard everyone shouting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

starrwriter

12-06-2005, 08:38 PM

I'm really sorry...
You should be. It's MICK Jagger, not Mike Jagger. I'm going to start calling you Zippy the Pinhead.

starrwriter

12-06-2005, 08:43 PM

The Hydrogen atom was wearing a green shirt.
Q:Why did the hydrogen atom wear a green shirt?
A:Because it thought green shirts were funny, but hydrogen atoms have no sense of humor.

papayahed

12-07-2005, 10:52 AM

Q:Why did the hydrogen atom wear a green shirt?
A:Because it thought green shirts were funny, but hydrogen atoms have no sense of humor.

On the contrary, Hydrogen atoms are almost as funny as Helium atoms and we all know how funny those are...

Zippy

12-08-2005, 05:34 AM

You should be. It's MICK Jagger, not Mike Jagger. I'm going to start calling you Zippy the Pinhead.

He's Mike to his friends!

smilingtearz

12-08-2005, 09:02 AM

hey the hydrogen atom was wearing a red shirt today...with yellow sunflowers(DUH!)
and it did luk funny...yea...walkin hand-in-hand with the helium atom that wore a blue pink shirt...
btw are green shirts really funny?

Kaltrina

12-08-2005, 09:43 AM

ok I'll tell you a joke that I heard recently:

a bull and a lion were playing cards. suddenly the lion looks at the watch adn says:
lion: I have to go now because my wife is waiting for dinner.
bull: oh common, you're afraid of your wife, what kind a man are you?
lion: well my wife is a lioness not a cow like yours. :D

Kaltrina

12-08-2005, 09:53 AM

the chief of police calls one of his officers and gives him two euros. he says:
CH: here are two euros, one is for my newspaper and the other one is for my hamburger.
Of: yes sir.
while going down the street he was keeping the newspaper euro in his right hand and the hamburger euro in his left hand and he kept repeating which one is which until he forgot. the officer comes back in the station without buying anything...
CH: *screaming* where is my newspaper... and my hamburger?
Of: I am so sorry sir but as I was going down the street I forgot which euro was for the newspaper and which one was for the hamburger.
CH: *screaming* YOU STUPID... now I can't remember either...

Shea

12-08-2005, 10:18 AM

I like this one! ;)

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging
violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big
arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,having
almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God,
please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave
him a rowboat, strong arms and strong legs, and he was able to row across in
about an hour after almost capsizing twice. Seeing what happened to the
first two men, the third man prayed,"God please give me the strength, the
tools and the intelligence to cross this river." Poof! He was turned into a
woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked
across the bridge.

Jay

12-08-2005, 01:28 PM

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart *** guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Jay

12-08-2005, 01:29 PM

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Jay

12-08-2005, 03:26 PM

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

:D:D:D:D:D

Zippy

12-08-2005, 03:31 PM

Two statues - one of a naked man and the other of a naked woman - stood facing each other in a park for a hundred years.
One day an angel appears and brings them to life. The angel says, "God has granted me permission to give you life for the next 30 minutes. During that time you can do anything your heart desires, whatever you have been most longing for during your time as statues."
The statues smile at one another and jump down from their pedistals. They hold hands and hop-off happily behind a nearby bush.
The angel watches bemused as the bushes rustle and the air is filled with the sound of laughter. After 15 minutes the statues reappear, still holding hands and looking happier than ever.
"You still have 15 minutes left," says the angel. "What do you want to do?"
The woman statue smiles sheepishly and says to the male statue, "Do you fancy doing it again?"
The male statue grins, and after a moment says, "Well...okay. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on it's head."

Jay

12-08-2005, 03:36 PM

:p LMAO!!! :D

papayahed

12-08-2005, 04:06 PM

What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Jay

12-08-2005, 04:16 PM

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Nightshade

12-08-2005, 04:22 PM

:lol:
ROFLOL
*g*

papayahed

12-08-2005, 04:25 PM

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Nightshade

12-08-2005, 04:28 PM

Why didnt the ghost go to the dance?
because it had no body to go with.

papayahed

12-08-2005, 04:29 PM

How do you make a Tissue dance?
You put a little boogy in it.

Nightshade

12-08-2005, 04:32 PM

what did the cow say when it saw the balloon?
Moo

kilted exile

12-08-2005, 07:21 PM

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A wooly jumper

Did you hear about the wooden car?
It wooden go

Zippy

12-09-2005, 10:14 AM

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

Kaltrina

12-09-2005, 11:09 AM

Letter requesting for "Software support" on "Personal Computers"

Dear (IT) Technical Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run
and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
Saturday-Rugby6.3 always fails but Saturday-Shopping 7.1 runs instead !

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting
to run any of my favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall
doesn't work on this program. Can you please help.

Joe

Reply from Technical Support

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic is understanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but
have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under
alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed
and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused
them, you must run the

C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key.

It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but
hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional
software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any
circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Regards,

Technical support

Have a nice day

Kaltrina

12-09-2005, 11:11 AM

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Kaltrina

12-09-2005, 11:13 AM

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

starrwriter

12-09-2005, 12:26 PM

What do you call a fly with no wings?
The result of my childhood zoological "experiments."
(heh-heh)

smilingtearz

12-11-2005, 06:16 AM

ROFLMAO!! :D :lol: :lol: :lol: :D
I never thought this thread would "live " for so long~!

RobinHood3000

12-11-2005, 08:25 AM

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says, "It's awfully hot in here, isn't it?" The other looks over and screams, "AAAAAHHHH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

AimusSage

12-11-2005, 08:53 AM

Grandma Elden was baby-sitting, and every five minutes adrienne had another request to keep her from going to sleep. Exasperated, she said to her four-year old grand-daughter, "Adrienne, if you call grandmother one more time, I'm going to get very angry." Five minutes later she heard Adrienne say quietly, "Mrs. elden, can I have a glass of water?"

starrwriter

12-11-2005, 01:20 PM

I never thought this thread would "live " for so long~!
Neither did I. It's a disgrace.

RobinHood3000

12-11-2005, 01:23 PM

What makes you say that, starrwriter?

papayahed

12-11-2005, 01:27 PM

Neither did I. It's a disgrace.

disgrace???. I don't get it.

starrwriter

12-11-2005, 01:27 PM

What makes you say that, starrwriter?
The "quality" of most of the jokes.

papayahed

12-11-2005, 01:28 PM

Two potatos were walking down the street, how do you know which is the prostitute?

The one that says: I da ho.

RobinHood3000

12-11-2005, 01:39 PM

The "quality" of most of the jokes.
You know, starr, you don't even have to read them, much less like them. I happen to like these jokes.

Nightshade

12-11-2005, 02:34 PM

oh stop jumping for the bait robin, and tell a joke
Q: How do you weigh a whale?
A: take it to a Wail Way station

:D

RobinHood3000

12-11-2005, 02:46 PM

:p Nyeh. :p

What's a perfect square?

A nerd that doesn't make mistakes.

starrwriter

12-11-2005, 02:49 PM

You know, starr, you don't even have to read them, much less like them. I happen to like these jokes.
I wouldn't brag about that if I were you.

RobinHood3000

12-11-2005, 02:57 PM

Fortunately for me, you're not.

More math jokes: "Statistics means never having to say you're certain."

Nightshade

12-11-2005, 03:01 PM

really I never understood stats?
lets see
Q: Whast yellow and scary
A: shark infested custard.

starrwriter

12-11-2005, 10:46 PM

Q: Whast yellow and scary?
A: shark infested custard.
*Starrwriter sticks fork in eye*

RobinHood3000

12-11-2005, 10:52 PM

Ooh, ooh, I've got one. What's Hawaiian, crabby, and has a fork in its eye?

A Hawaiian steamed crab with pineapple garnish. Boy, I crack myself up...

starrwriter

12-11-2005, 10:58 PM

Ooh, ooh, I've got one. What's Hawaiian, crabby, and has a fork in its eye? A Hawaiian steamed crab with pineapple garnish. Boy, I crack myself up...
Much better, RobinHood. If you keep working at it, you might crack up someone else eventually.

RobinHood3000

12-11-2005, 11:11 PM

Really, you think so? Gee willikers, that's awfully swell of ya to say so!!

What do you call a Stormtrooper with a hearing problem?

A Deaf Star!

Kaltrina

12-12-2005, 05:18 AM

there were two foreign policemen patrolling and getting bored so one of them suggests they talk English to each other and they agree. after a while...

1st P: hey boy you how much watch?
2nd P: *looks at his watch* six watch.
1st P: huh? such much watch? :lol:

Nightshade

12-12-2005, 08:10 AM

*Starrwriter sticks fork in eye*
You dont get it do you? *sigh* I did say I cant tell jokes earlier Im just defending the thread so in that spirit...

Q what did the policeman say to his tummy
A You're under awest
:D

Taliesin

12-12-2005, 09:43 AM

There are three types of mathematicians: those who can count to three and those who can't.

starrwriter

12-12-2005, 12:15 PM

What do you call a Stormtrooper with a hearing problem? A Deaf Star!
Back to square one. And I bought a hearing aid last year, you young whipper-snapper.

Jay

12-12-2005, 01:20 PM

There are three types of mathematicians: those who can count to three and those who can't.
I know this one a bit different! :D

There are 10 types of people. Those who know binary and those who don't.

:p

Nightshade

12-13-2005, 06:30 AM

I got these from the christmas crackers at the resteraunt last night
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper trousers?
He was arreated for rustling

what's a hedgehogs favourite food?
Prickled onions

http://www.websmileys.com/sm/happy/542.gif

RobinHood3000

12-13-2005, 07:02 AM

Where do hedgehogs go for fast food?
Sonic!!

Where do plumbers go for Italian?
Mario's!!

Where do Hyrulians go for sausage?
Link's!!

Kaltrina

12-13-2005, 08:54 AM

Why are there always patrolling four policemen in one car?

the first one knows how to drive, the second one know the traffic signs, the third one knows about traffic lights, and the fourth one loves hanging around with intelegent people.

smilingtearz

12-13-2005, 09:18 AM

Braggadocio

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

smilingtearz

12-13-2005, 09:19 AM

Reporting

When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual does it, it's called "stalking."

smilingtearz

12-13-2005, 09:27 AM

intelligent quotes....got these from a joke site

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

Virgil

12-13-2005, 11:54 PM

Since there were quite a few Canadians, I thought I'd post this joke. Asians
please don't take offense. It's just a play on an accent. Nothing offensive.

FOREIGN EXCHANGE

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I chose the shortest line, just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too

papayahed

12-14-2005, 10:52 AM

Oh, I have a canadian joke also.....

Back at the start of the country the fouinding fathers were sitting around trying to come up with a name for their new country. One guy raised his hand and suggested "France". The chairmen vetoed that name as it was already taken. They went round and round trying to come up with a name. Late in the night somebody suggested they put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and whatever leters they pick out they'll make a name from those. That was the best idea so far so they gave it a try. The first guy steped up, picked out a letter and announced it to those gathered.

First: C eh.
Next: N eh.
Next: D eh

starrwriter

12-14-2005, 03:10 PM

Oh, I have a canadian joke also.....
At last a joke from Papayahed that's actually funny!

(I love jokes about our brothers and sisters to the north. I grew up on them in Michigan.)

smilingtearz

12-15-2005, 11:12 AM

Three Wise Men

Three Wise men were going to heaven, but before that, they each had to answer a question from God. The first Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first man on earth?" He answered Adam and was let in. The second Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first women on earth?" He answered Eve and was let in. The thrid Wise Man came up and God asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" He thought for a moment, "Hmm, that's a hard one..." And God said, you may be let into Heaven.

smilingtearz

12-15-2005, 11:20 AM

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

papayahed

12-15-2005, 03:06 PM

This ones for Night:

A man wearing a green shirt walks into a deli. He asks the butcher for a tongue sandwich to go. The butcher asks "How do you want that tongue sandwich to go?" The man says "blblblbblblb" (you know - the sound you make when waving your tongue around)

Nightshade

12-15-2005, 03:08 PM

hehee:lol:
thanks Im feeling better already :nod:

kilted exile

12-15-2005, 07:39 PM

A few more for the collection.

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

What do you call a spanish footballer with no legs?

Juan Gracias

What is an amnesiacs favourite chat up line?

"Do I come here often"

Nightshade

12-15-2005, 07:43 PM

:D :lol:
dont get the scond one though.
I never got the first one before but finally it clicked, I must be like the donky in the story
:D((g))

kilted exile

12-15-2005, 07:56 PM

:D :lol:
dont get the scond one though.

If you say it slowly it sounds like one grassy ***.

smilingtearz

12-17-2005, 09:11 AM

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

...i don't really find that funny...EEEEWW!!

smilingtearz

12-17-2005, 09:12 AM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

smilingtearz

12-17-2005, 09:19 AM

two funny pics

RobinHood3000

12-17-2005, 09:33 AM

smilingtearz

12-17-2005, 09:35 AM

Courtroom Dialogue

Law Practice is considered to be one of the most
intelligent professions. These are actual transcripts
of the Delhi High Court precedings recorded in the
past one year.

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: Mr. Sharma, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your wife with you?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Sergeant, when you stopped the defendant, were
your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got
out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Lawyer: ok, anything else?

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to
you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "What time is it, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Lawyer: So why did that upset you? Your honour, it
shows the abnormal mental state of the witness.

kilted exile

12-17-2005, 09:59 PM

I got reminded of this joke by those irish trousers in the merryfolk thread:

What is the latest Irish invention?

An underwater hairdryer

Once upon a time there was a scotsman who had this chicken which used to lay one egg everyday, which the scotsman used to eat for his breakfast. Now, the scotsman lived next door to an englishman and one day the hen layed its egg on the englishmans side of the fence. The Scotsman went next door and told the englishman he wanted the egg, english guy says "its on my property,its mine."
Scotsman: "Ok, I know how to settle this, first I'll kick you in the balls. Then you kick me in the balls, and whoever recovers quickest gets the egg."
The englishman agrees, so the scotsman rears back and kicks him as hard as he can. Englishman is howling, but recovers and says "ok, my turn."
at which point the Scotsman responds: "you know what keep the stupid egg."

smilingtearz

12-19-2005, 03:08 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Kaltrina

12-19-2005, 05:20 AM

Once upon a time there was a scotsman who had this chicken which used to lay one egg everyday, which the scotsman used to eat for his breakfast. Now, the scotsman lived next door to an englishman and one day the hen layed its egg on the englishmans side of the fence. The Scotsman went next door and told the englishman he wanted the egg, english guy says "its on my property,its mine."
Scotsman: "Ok, I know how to settle this, first I'll kick you in the balls. Then you kick me in the balls, and whoever recovers quickest gets the egg."
The englishman agrees, so the scotsman rears back and kicks him as hard as he can. Englishman is howling, but recovers and says "ok, my turn."
at which point the Scotsman responds: "you know what keep the stupid egg."

it's a great one... lol... :lol: :lol: :lol:

smilingtearz

12-19-2005, 07:25 AM

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at
> work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard
> her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph,
>
> "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home
early!".
> Ralph looked out the window and said,
> "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there.".
> Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!".
> So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
> outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
> running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
> clothes on his arm.
> One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?".
> Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having
the
> air blow over your skin while you are running.".
> Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your
> arm?".
> Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end
> of the run and get in my car to go home.".
> Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?".
> Ralph answered, "Only when it rains.".

kilted exile

12-19-2005, 06:52 PM

Another couple of jokes:

Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home"
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
Man: "Is it common ?"
Doc: "It's not unusual !"

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

A burglar breaks into this house and he comes into a room with no lights on. He walks into the middle of the room and he suddenly here's this voice "Jesus is watching you" he turns round and in a dark corner of the room he sees a parrot and so he goes across to it. The parrot says again "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks at the parrot funnily and then asks, "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence" The burglar then says, "That's a stupid name for a parrot, which idiot called you that?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot that called the rotweiler JESUS"

smilingtearz

12-21-2005, 10:25 AM

Christmas Italian Style

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wonderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Santa wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

smilingtearz

12-21-2005, 10:26 AM

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

Virgil

12-26-2005, 12:54 AM

How about another male/female war:

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

starrwriter

12-26-2005, 01:00 AM

How about another male/female war:

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
Okay, you started it again.

Who are the most popular divorce lawyers in the western U.S.?
Smith and Wesson.

smilingtearz

12-26-2005, 03:24 AM

How about another male/female war:

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

nasty!

but still funny :lol:

RobinHood3000

12-26-2005, 09:23 AM

Three men die and go up to heaven. St. Peter looks at his list and asks the three men, "How many times were you unfaithful to your wives when you were married?"
The first guy steps up and says, "I cheated on my wife twice when we were married."
St. Peter says, "Then you shall have a compact car with which to drive around heaven," and lets him in.
The second guy steps up and says, "I cheated on my wife only once when we were married." So St. Peter gives him a sedan with which to drive around Heaven.
The third guy steps up, looking with mild distaste at the men who went before him, and says to St. Peter, "I was faithful to my wife throughout our entire marriage." And St. Peter gives him a luxury car with which to drive around Heaven.

A couple days later, the guys in the compact and the sedan see the guy with the luxury car sitting on the sidewalk crying. Concerned, they go up and ask him why. He looks at them with tears in his eyes and says, "I just saw my wife--she was on a pogo stick."

smilingtearz

12-26-2005, 10:16 AM

:lol: ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smilingtearz

01-04-2006, 03:31 AM

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

papayahed

01-04-2006, 02:33 PM

urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go
home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out
of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss
asked her

"...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

starrwriter

01-04-2006, 02:41 PM

["Joke" text]
You had me thinking this was a true story at first. Somehow, I could picture you hanging from the ceiling pretending to be a light bulb. I don't know why.

Virgil

01-04-2006, 04:42 PM

You had me thinking this was a true story at first. Somehow, I could picture you hanging from the ceiling pretending to be a light bulb. I don't know why.
You know, I believed too! :D Why is it I can picture her doing that? And I don't even know what she looks like. All I know is she's a chemical engineer, and I can relate to how a difficult job can make you want to scream.

papayahed

01-04-2006, 05:16 PM

Hey now!! Actually I probably would do it - at least for the gag, not necessarily the days off.

smilingtearz

01-05-2006, 08:05 AM

Medical terminology...the best explanations

ANTIBODY - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
COMA - punctuation mark
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl ...eww
GENES - blue denim
HERNIA - she is close by
HYMEN - greeting to several males
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss :lol::lol:
LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MICROBES - small dressing gowns :lol:
OBESITY - city of Obe
SECRETION - hiding anything
TABLET - small table
ULTRASOUND - radical noise
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of playing cards
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC - neck of a crow

Virgil

01-06-2006, 03:19 AM

Medical terminology...the best explanations

ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss :lol::lol:
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of playing cards

My favorites above. "Dilate" :lol:

smilingtearz

01-06-2006, 11:23 AM

@virgil I find all of them funny...but my fav.'s the one in bold! :lol:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing..................She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
which
read: 'William's Stick Did the Trick'. Then I could not control myself
any Longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which
read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

:lol:

The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!!!

smilingtearz

01-06-2006, 11:24 AM

and girls just HAVE to read this one :nod:...

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite decide how
to split them between Adam & Eve. So he thought he might just ask them.

He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee standing up.
It's a very handy thing "God told them" and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it.

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that!
It seems just the sort of thing a man should have.

Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly he could have it So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock,
then he wrote his name in the sand, then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away, laughing
with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well I guess your kind of stuck with the last thing I have left"
What's it called? asked Eve
"Brains" said God

:lol:

Virgil

01-06-2006, 05:48 PM

Eva - A quote from you from another thread.

please pray for a bible sharing community that i and two of my friends from our youth group are starting in our church...hope it worx out well

Prayers for all of you
With all the risque jokes you post, I was somewhat surprised that you are church person. ;) Well, good for you. They don't really contradict each other.

smilingtearz

01-07-2006, 06:28 AM

@ Virgil
Oh..I just forward what i get on mail...
but they're funny aren't they ;) ...that's how jokes are supposed to be... I know this is justification... but every human laughs when tickled right?
and i am a church person...a begginer, but i do want to grow :)

RobinHood3000

01-07-2006, 07:54 AM

smilingtearz

01-07-2006, 08:59 AM

@ Robinhood... are you giving proper training to your shield then?

RobinHood3000

01-07-2006, 09:05 AM

Ah, therein lies the problem--the only occasions I have to train are when someone in my class arbitrarily tries to surprise me with a tickle, which doesn't happen often.

smilingtearz

01-07-2006, 09:27 AM

I wonder if there could be some anti-tickle lotion you could use... just for precaution you know!

:D

Anon22

01-14-2006, 11:44 PM

Lol, I don't have to be tickled to be tickled... you can just wiggle your finger around the air around me and I'll laugh. My friends call it the "Tickle Barrier" which isn't much of a barrier... lol. Even though at the same time I have this shield... which prevents me from laughing when tickled... so I can always turn it on and off.

Doctors- They kill your ills with pills, and kill you with their bills.

smilingtearz

01-15-2006, 09:42 AM

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
SPOILED MILK

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
FROSTBITE

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
SANKA

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS :lol:

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A NERVOUS WRECK

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A STICK

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
NACHO CHEESE

papayahed

01-23-2006, 03:02 PM

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>children's
> > sermon:
> > All the children were invited to come forward.
> > One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
> > down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
> it your Easter Dress?"
> > The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
> > "Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
>dead:
> > "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> > "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
> > innocently.
> > "You did WHAT ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> > "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
> > didn't
> > move."

emily655321

01-23-2006, 07:53 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: @ Papaya's second joke.

By the way, Papaya, Grover was always my favorite Sesame Street character when I was little. :D

Virgil

01-23-2006, 08:56 PM

Here's one, but you have to be married to fully understand:

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you k now that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

RobinHood3000

01-23-2006, 09:24 PM

Heh...hehehe...HAHAHAHA!!!

There's a story they tell...

George Bernard Shaw walks into a bar and approaches a respectable-looking, evidently-rich woman. The following conversation ensues...

"Excuse me, madam, but would you make love to me for 50 pounds?"
"I SHOULD SAY NOT!!!"
"5,000 pounds, then?"
"...NEVER!"
"Perhaps, then, for 500,000 pounds?"
"...perhaps...~smiles coyly~"
"Then what about 5 pounds?"
"MR. SHAW!! WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM???"
"We have already established what you are--now we are merely haggling over the price."

Virgil

01-24-2006, 10:09 PM

Here's another. And being that I'm an Italian male, I understand this fully:

> It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman.....
>
>
> On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
> One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
> For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ......one button at a time.
> .......No one moves.
> .......He removes his shirt.
> ......Muscles ripple across his chest.
> .......She gasps.
> ......He whispers into her ear...
>
> "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

Virgil

01-26-2006, 11:41 PM

This one is for the dog lovers. I can swear that the lab in the joke is Brandi.

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a

house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him
the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."

" But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."

The Unnamable

01-27-2006, 08:20 AM

Three Pakistani blokes walked into a bar….

The Unnamable

01-27-2006, 08:20 AM

The first ordered three glasses of orange juice…

The Unnamable

01-27-2006, 08:21 AM

They sat down and had a nice chat.

Interesting things, jokes.

Cherub

01-27-2006, 08:45 AM

My old aunts were forever coming up to me at family weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You'll be next".

They stopped doing it after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

beer good

01-27-2006, 09:16 AM

A rabbi and a priest, each driving his own car, by a freak accident had a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars were totally demolished. Amazingly, neither of the clerics had a scratch on him.

After they crawled out of what was left of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says: "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars, there is nothing left, and yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God."

Pointing to the sky, the rabbi continues: "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies: "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God."

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogan David wine is intact. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle of wine to the priest, who drinks half of it, then hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks: "Aren't you having any, rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah . . . I think I'll wait for the police."

Virgil

01-27-2006, 04:34 PM

Interesting things, jokes.
Yes, they make life happy.

Virgil

01-28-2006, 02:14 PM

Here's one. A little risque perhaps. Just a little.

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: ........."You mean I was here already?"

emily655321

01-28-2006, 03:29 PM

> "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."I can't possibly illustrate for you exactly why this made me laugh so hard (mostly because it would violate forum rules on appropriate content). Suffice it to say that, though I don't believe such negative characteristics to be universal properties of Italian males (namely, chauvinism, arrogance, and a profound inability to understand that one's own happiness does not constitute the mutual satisfaction of the woman involved), I knew a boy in college who was raised in Italy, and I enjoyed this joke. :lol:

Virgil

01-28-2006, 09:09 PM

I can't possibly illustrate for you exactly why this made me laugh so hard (mostly because it would violate forum rules on appropriate content). Suffice it to say that, though I don't believe such negative characteristics to be universal properties of Italian males (namely, chauvinism, arrogance, and a profound inability to understand that one's own happiness does not constitute the mutual satisfaction of the woman involved), I knew a boy in college who was raised in Italy, and I enjoyed this joke. :lol:
You'll have to ask Koa. Glad you enjoyed it.

Taliesin

01-29-2006, 06:20 AM

A very good blonde joke (http://dream.planet.ee/x/index.php?/archives/553-.html)

Pendragon

01-29-2006, 10:03 AM

An elderly man at a small church had lost his black lab he used for duck hunting. He became downhearted and began to miss services. The Pastor of the church, noticing this, took up a special collection and bought Brother Jake a new dog.

Later, two brothers from the church went duck hunting with Brother Jake. He nailed two Mallards, and told the new dog to go get them. The dog immediately jumped out of the boat, walked on the water and got the ducks. Both of the other men went into shock.

The pastor, unable to get a straight answer out of them, went hunting with Brother Jake. When the dog walked on water, the Pastor's eyes bulged.

"Does--does he always do that?" he stuttered.

"Yes, Pastor. But if y'all couldn't afford a dog that could swim, I don't mind at all!"

emily655321

01-29-2006, 03:41 PM

A very good blonde joke (http://dream.planet.ee/x/index.php?/archives/553-.html)Perhaps I'm blonde-at-heart, but I don't get why linking in a loop is funny. :confused:

RobinHood3000

01-29-2006, 07:11 PM

The blonder you are, the longer you keep following the links...therein lies the joke.

The Unnamable

01-30-2006, 12:19 PM

A man who had led an exceptionally dissolute life finally met his Day of Judgment. At the moment of his last breath, he was whisked away by Beelzebub himself and taken to the farthest limits of Hell.
“Here you will remain forever,” said Beelzebub in a surprisingly friendly tone.
The man looked around him to see a fresh green landscape brimming with tress and bushes bearing perfectly ripened fruit. The sky was the deepest blue, without a cloud in sight and carefree young beauties frolicked with a look of complete happiness on their faces.
The man was astonished. Beelzebub continued, “You may do whatever you please and partake of whatever you like. There is only one rule. You must never climb that hill.” He pointed to a verdant incline at the edge of the open meadow in which they were standing. The man continued to look astonished.
“Is something wrong?” asked Beelzebub, kindly.
“This is not what I had been told Hell would be,” the man eventually managed to stutter out.
“Yes, we do get a bad press,” said Beelzebub, “but there’s no catch – apart from that one rule, you can do whatever you wish and want for nothing for eternity.”
The man soon found that everything Beelzebub had said was true. He wanted for nothing and did whatever he pleased, whenever he pleased. [You’ll have to fill in exactly what this means yourself – just remember he was a dissolute man in a place full of beautiful women]

He had never been so happy. Humans being humans however, he couldn’t help wondering why he was not allowed to climb the hill. Inevitably, curiosity got the better of him and he climbed to the top. When he looked over to the other side he was horrified. The terrain was parched and brown and filled with people in loincloths carrying vicious whips with which they were flagellating themselves. There were scenes of terrible cruelty and torture as far as he could see. People were setting alight to themselves, eating broken glass and hammering nails through one another’s limbs. The man gasped in sheer terror. He was about to run back down the hill when Beelzebub appeared. “I did warn you,” he said, without the slightest tone of anger.
“But…but….but…what…what is it…what’s it for?” asked the man.
Beelzebub looked apologetic and replied,
“It’s for the Catholics; they insisted on it.”

What if I’d posted that in the Religious Texts section or even in the Philosophical Literature section? You see, Virgil, context is vital to meaning.

papayahed

01-30-2006, 01:25 PM

I don't get it.

RobinHood3000

01-30-2006, 04:59 PM

Haha, that's pretty funny.

I think it's making a crack on the insistence of Catholics on being right.

The Unnamable

01-31-2006, 12:48 AM

I think it's making a crack on the insistence of Catholics on being right.

Just to clarify - I'm not picking an argument for the sake of it - I don’t think it’s so much that Catholics need to be right, - it’s more that they ‘need’ to believe in eternal damnation and the terrible punishment of sins. It’s a more extreme version of ‘Catholic guilt’. I was told the joke by a Catholic priest I met once in Dublin (in a bar).

RobinHood3000

01-31-2006, 06:49 AM

Hehe...that reminds me of something that Robin Williams once said in his routine...

"I was raised Episcopal, that's Catholic 'Lite.' Same religion, half the guilt!"

papayahed

01-31-2006, 11:00 AM

Just to clarify - I'm not picking an argument for the sake of it - I don’t think it’s so much that Catholics need to be right, - it’s more that they ‘need’ to believe in eternal damnation and the terrible punishment of sins. It’s a more extreme version of ‘Catholic guilt’. I was told the joke by a Catholic priest I met once in Dublin (in a bar).

oh, I always thought there were other religions higher up on the hell and damnation train then catholics.

The Unnamable

01-31-2006, 12:15 PM

oh, I always thought there were other religions higher up on the hell and damnation train then catholics.
I wouldn’t let a Catholic hear you say that.

Pendragon

02-01-2006, 09:38 AM

And just to clarify, Unnamable, I am a minister!

At this same small church, an elderly black man had joined the congregation. He insisted that everyone call him Daddy Jones, and no one objected, as he was a smiling, friendly man who was patient with children and could often be seen with more than a dozen fishing on the riverbank.

Daddy Jones had a 'possum he had broke to the leash, acted just like a dog. The possum came to church with the old man, and curled up under the pew. If it had to go outside, it would look up at Daddy Jones, and he would take the possum out for a bathroom break.

A young man in the church had just come from the Seminary, and was to preach the next Sunday. The Pastor spoke to him. "Son, they taught you a lot of good things down at that school. But they can't teach you to preach. You have to let God do that." "Sure!" Thought the new preacher. "I'll show these hicks what a real preacher is!"

Repairs were being made to the church, and the ceiling had been removed, leaving only the rafters. It was a hot August day, and Daddy Jones had gone to sleep. The possum, needing a break, looked at the old man, and then walked out on its own. When it came back it, it scurried up into the rafters to play.

The new preacher took his text from Genesis chapter one. And he began:

“And so we see it was GOD who made the heavens and the earth! AMEN, somebody! It was GOD whose very Spirit moved upon the face of the waters! GLORY! It was GOD who said “Let there be light, and there WAS LIGHT! AMEN!”

At this juncture the possum dropped by its tail almost in the young man’s face.

“And it was GOD WHAT A RAT!”

beer good

02-01-2006, 09:54 AM

A rabbi, an Irishman and a man with a duck on his head walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says:

"Is this some kind of joke?"

Virgil

02-03-2006, 12:23 AM

oh, I always thought there were other religions higher up on the hell and damnation train then catholics.

I wouldn’t let a Catholic hear you say that.

I think this may result in a cultural divide due to the Atlantic Ocean. In the US, Catholics are seen as less strict. It was the protestant Puritan spirit that outlawed alcohol, while the Catholic church was not for prohibition. Not only that, think of Mardi Gras and the concept that Catholics can sin and then go to confession. Our perception, here in the US at least, fits more with what Papaya is saying.

Taliesin

02-03-2006, 11:43 AM

Continuing with OT: Funny, we in Estonia see the catholic belief not so strict as the protestantism. Estonian folk beliefs managed to stay alive for many centuries under catholic oppression - they mingled, in fact. But protestantism uprooted all that was seen as non-purechristian.
With all these catholic saints and people it is a good chance that after some time catholicism will become polytheistic.

****
For first, we don't advocate alcoholism.

But now back to ontopic:
We don't know about you, but cooking is a very nice thing, isn't it?

Here is a rum cake recipe:

Rum cake:

1 teaspoon of sugar, 1or 2 bottles of rum, 1 dl dried fruits, brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda, 100 g butter, 2 eggs, 3 lemons, 1 glass of flour, 1 dl of nuts.

For starting, taste the rum - to see if it is good enough.
Take a big bowl and a measuring glass.

Taste the rum again. To see whether the rum is good enough.
Pour 1 dl in a glass and drink as fast as you can. Repeat.

Churn with a blender or in a big bowl. Add a teaspoon of sugar and beat up more.
Chechecheck if the rum is OK....

Have another glass. Open a new bottle if nececececessary.

Add eggzz and the tried fruuits. Beat them up...
If they cauze damage to the blender, use the help of a screwdriver.....

Taste the rum to check the conci... concisssstoncisstennce.

Add 3 dl salt of pepper - doesn't matter which one.

Taste the rum

Bressss the one lemurs juice ..... add 1 teaspoon of brown or some colour...
doesn't matter... Mix....

Grease the oven, turn the cake pan to 350 degrees, turn the batter to the oven....

Taste the rum some more, go asleep....

RobinHood3000

02-03-2006, 04:00 PM

Stan'll love that one--Cheers!!

The Unnamable

02-03-2006, 09:12 PM

I think this may result in a cultural divide due to the Atlantic Ocean. In the US, Catholics are seen as less strict. It was the protestant Puritan spirit that outlawed alcohol, while the Catholic church was not for prohibition. Not only that, think of Mardi Gras and the concept that Catholics can sin and then go to confession. Our perception, here in the US at least, fits more with what Papaya is saying.
Sorry, Virgil – I was being light-hearted. This is the jokes thread after all and I was not admonishing papayahed, merely continuing the ‘Catholics need suffering’ idea. I should have used a smiling emoticon.

RobinHood3000

02-03-2006, 09:21 PM

I've probably said it on the Forums before, but I think it's funny enough to merit a rerun:

"Puritans: People so uptight, the English kicked 'em out!"

--Robin Williams

Virgil

02-03-2006, 11:50 PM

I've probably said it on the Forums before, but I think it's funny enough to merit a rerun:

"Puritans: People so uptight, the English kicked 'em out!"

--Robin Williams
That is hilarious!! :lol: :lol:

The Unnamable

02-04-2006, 09:47 AM

His most famous joke:

NAGG:
Let me tell it again.
(Raconteur's voice.)
An Englishman, needing a pair of striped trousers in a hurry for the New Year festivities, goes to his tailor who takes his measurements.
(Tailor's voice.)
"That's the lot, come back in four days, I'll have it ready." Good. Four days later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"So sorry, come back in a week, I've made a mess of the seat." Good, that's all right, a neat seat can be very ticklish. A week later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"Frightfully sorry, come back in ten days, I've made a hash of the crotch." Good, can't be helped, a snug crotch is always a teaser. Ten days later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"Dreadfully sorry, come back in a fortnight, I've made a balls of the fly." Good, at a pinch, a smart fly is a stiff proposition.
(Pause. Normal voice.)
I never told it worse.
(Pause. Gloomy.)
I tell this story worse and worse.
(Pause. Raconteur's voice.)
Well, to make it short, the bluebells are blowing and he ballockses the buttonholes.
(Customer's voice.)
"God damn you to hell, Sir, no, it's indecent, there are limits! In six days, do you hear me, six days, God made the world. Yes Sir, no less Sir, the WORLD! And you are not bloody well capable of making me a pair of trousers in three months!"
(Tailor's voice, scandalized.)
"But my dear Sir, my dear Sir, look---
(disdainful gesture, disgustedly)
---at the world---
(Pause.)
and look---
(loving gesture, proudly)
---at my TROUSERS!"

Samuel Beckett, Endgame

Fontainhas

02-04-2006, 11:01 AM

Two crazy men are planning to run away from the Hospital. The smart one whispers to the stupid one's ear:
"Go and see the gate. If it's too low we'll jump over it, if it's too high we'll dig a hole.
After three hours the stupid man comes back very alarmed and says:
"We can't run! Oh my god! We can't run away!"
"Why not?"
"There's no gate."

emily655321

02-04-2006, 07:49 PM

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks one language? American.

Hazel-Ra

02-04-2006, 07:52 PM

Count Dracula is on the pull in Spennymoor. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various pubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Durham Road sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing.

He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here?

A few yards further on and .. BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.

Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and ... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.

He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who Are You?"

Hazel-Ra

02-04-2006, 07:53 PM

This is bad, I'm sorry!

Buffet the Vampire Slayer, she replies

Virgil

02-04-2006, 08:02 PM

Hazel - That was really, really bad. :p

Hazel-Ra

02-07-2006, 12:42 PM

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The little white guy says, "Turner Brown!!!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

beer good

02-07-2006, 12:58 PM

Here's one straight out of 3rd grade:

Three lunatics are given a test to see if they are ready to be let out of the asylum. The test is this: they must be able to correctly state a fact about a mundane object, to show that they do not suffer from any delusions. Arbitrarily, the doctors choose the subject: Spiders.

Lunatic number one says: "Spiders have eight legs." This, of course, is correct and he is let out into the world.

Lunatic number two states: "Spiders make spiderwebs." Again, true, so he is also released.

Lunatic number three looks around the (not too well-cleaned) room, spots a spider and grabs it from its web. He then proceeds to yank its eight legs off, puts it down on the table and commands it "GO!" When the legless spider doesn't move, the lunatic looks triumphantly at the doctors and states:

"Spiders can't hear without legs!"

Fontainhas

02-07-2006, 01:35 PM

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks one language? American.

LMFAO!!!!!!!! awmygawd :lol: :lol: That's hilarious

smilingtearz

02-08-2006, 10:14 AM

oh wow...this is turning good!

here's one:

Secret Messages

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

smilingtearz

02-08-2006, 10:16 AM

another one:

Italian huh?

Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Hope you liked 'em Virgil :D :D

emily655321

02-08-2006, 12:40 PM

370HSSV-0773H
:lol: That's great.

But, oh my, these are starting to get rather crude! :eek: :D I'll try to find some clean ones.

*away I go*

Nisha

02-08-2006, 01:12 PM

niiice thread!!
here's one ..

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

:brow:

emily655321

02-08-2006, 01:33 PM

Ohhhh... how terrible, Nisha! :D Haha.

Okay, I found a clean one:

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young
man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what
are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God."

emily655321

02-08-2006, 01:36 PM

And a not-so-clean one:

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

RobinHood3000

02-08-2006, 08:50 PM

HAHAHAHA!!!

Bummer for the lady.

beer good

02-09-2006, 06:36 AM

emily: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good one!

Hope this one doesn't violate the "no politics" thing. I've seen it with a ton of different politicians, I'm just using these so most people will get it... feel free to substitute any other government you want to ridicule.

President George W. Bush goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton. After dinner, Bill says, "Well, George, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine were all brilliant."
"How could you tell?" asks Bush.
"It's simple," says Bill. "They all had to take special tests before they could become a cabinet member. Wait a second, I'll show you." He calls Madeleine Albright over and says, "Tell me, Madeleine, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple, Mr. President," says Madeleine, "It's me!"
"Well done, Madeleine," says Clinton, and Bush is very impressed.

Upon returning to the White House, Bush wonders about the intelligence of the members of his own cabinet, so he calls in Rumsfeld and says, "Tell me, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"
Rumsfeld thinks and thinks but doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further, Mr. President? May I let you know tomorrow?"
"Of course," says Bush, "You've got twenty-four hours." So Rumsfeld goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in the Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, they put together a think tank but no one can come up with the answer.

Twenty hours later, Rumsfeld is very worried, so he calls Colin Powell. "Colin," he says, "I need your help with something, and I think my entire political career may depend on it. Can you tell me who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"
"Very simple," says Colin Powell, "It's me!"
"Of course," says Rumsfeld, and he runs over to Bush's office. "Mr. President," he announces proudly, "I've got the answer: It's Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot," says Bush, "It's Madeleine Albright!"

Pensive

02-09-2006, 09:39 AM

Hehehehehehe

Taliesin

02-09-2006, 12:56 PM

We don't understand Emily's joke.
*feeling stupid*

RobinHood3000

02-09-2006, 04:32 PM

The pretense of traveling to Europe is established (as is a disturbing prostitute-like precedent of food for love) when the woman actually travels no farther than a comparatively precious few miles from shore.

chmpman

02-09-2006, 04:41 PM

Here's one from a professor of mine:
A masochist and sadist meet and develop a relationship. The sadist tells the masochist,"Beat me." The masochist says, "No."

Wonderfully dry.

emily655321

02-09-2006, 07:05 PM

We don't understand Emily's joke.
*feeling stupid*It's okay, Taliesin. The Staten Island Ferry goes back and forth from New York City to a nearby island (Staten Island) every day, and lots of people who live on the island use it to get to work in the city. The sailor tricked the woman by telling her it was a ship to Europe, when in fact he essentially just hid her on the ferry as his unwitting sex slave, and what she perceives as a long voyage is actually just a perpetual trip back and forth. Not so funny when you think about it, but I like cruel humor. :p

Virgil

02-09-2006, 08:59 PM

emily655321

02-09-2006, 09:13 PM

I thought you'd like that one, Virgil. ;)

kilted exile

02-09-2006, 09:55 PM

Ok, so a guy goes away for a week on a business trip. When he returns he goes home, but cant see his wife anywhere. He calls, but no answer. Eventually he hears the sound of her crying and goes into the room to find her stood in front of the mirror, naked, crying.
When he asks whats wrong she says "Everything, just look at me. My hairs going grey, I've got bags under my eyes, I'm getting wrinkles, my breasts are sagging, I've got stretch marks on my stomach from the kids, My *** is fat, my thighs have got cellulite, and my ankles are swollen. Please say something to cheer me up."
The guy thinks for a second then responds:"well, on the plus side, your eyesights perfect!"

Pendragon

02-15-2006, 08:46 AM

In a small church, the Pastor was sick and tired of a certain trustee who always went to sleep during the sermon. The next Sunday, he was determined to teach the man a lesson. As the man snored away, he said very softly "Would everyone who expects to go to heaven please raise their hands." Of course, everyone except our sleeping hero shot up a hand. Still very softly the Pastor said: "Now, everyone who expects to go to hell--(then loud as he could) STAND UP ON YOU FEET!" Our man jerked errect in a second. He looked around at the congregation who were trying not to laugh. Then he turn to the Pastor. "I don't know what we're voting on, Pastor, but it looks like you and me are the only ones in favor!" The crowd roared. :angel:

Pendragon

02-15-2006, 09:02 AM

A Catholic Priest who had worked in New York's upper East Side arrived at the Pearly Gates. He gave his name and creditials, but Saint Peter told him to take a seat, a enterance was according to merit. The good man nodded, and took the bench. A world-famous evanglist arrived next, but was also told to take a seat. The two men began to talk shop. Suddenly a disheveled, unshaven man arrived and was immediately taken inside. The two men of the cloth looked at each other, and approached St. Peter. "Who was that guy?" the evangelist asked. "Some noble soul, no doubt." The Priest added. "Oh, him." St. Peter said. "He was a New York cabdriver." The two were taken back. "And he is more important than we, who have given our lives to the service of the Savior?" asked the Priest. "Well, my friends," Saint Peter told them. "You have done well, and you may enter now. We were waiting on the cabdriver. You see, he drives so badly that we've had more conversions in his cab than in either of your services! He literally scares the hell out of people!"

RobinHood3000

02-15-2006, 03:55 PM

I heard something similar, but the punchline was:

"While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!"

Virgil

02-15-2006, 05:01 PM

Having married a New York girl, this isn't far from the truth.

New York Women
>
> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new
> wives straight on their duties.
>
> The first man had married a woman from Washington and bragged that he had
> told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
> needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on
> the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed
> and put away.
>
> The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given
> his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told
> his
> buddies that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
> was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
> and
> he had a huge dinner on the table.
>
> The third man had married a woman from New York. He boasted that he told
> her
> that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
> laundry washed and hot meals on the table three times a day. He said the
> first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
> but
> by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
> little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
> dishwasher and telephone a lawn service.
>
> Gotta love those New York girls!!!!!

Xamonas Chegwe

02-15-2006, 05:03 PM

I needed to wait for my train so I decided to get a pint in the pub next to the station. It was a pokey little place; dimly dirty and smoke-filled. There weren't many customers this early and most had the look of fixtures and fittings. I swear that they were as thickly coated in dust, and as nicotine stained, as the mirror behind the bar and the prints of old steam locos that hung on every wall.

I bought a pint of "Old Dogleg" and found myself a table to sit at. I was rummaging in my bag for a book to read when I noticed the jukebox, tucked away by the side of the bar. I find it easier to read with music playing, so I felt in my pocket for some change and wandered across to the machine. I dropped a couple of pounds into the slot and started looking for songs that I liked. I'd selected a couple when a voice startled me; it was quiet enough but only a few inches from my right ear.

"'Ave yer picked owt by The King?" (The last two words were definitely capitalised.)

I started back and took a look at my interrogator. I remembered noticing him when I'd entered. He had been sitting at a table near the door, nursing a half of milk stout with a half-full ashtray of hand-rolled dog-ends in front of him. He was dressed in shades of grey, brown and uncertain, flat-capped and stubbled, smelling of Old Holborn tobacco, old (but regularly cleaned) clothes, and some kind of liniment (witch hazel?). He carried a stick, which made me wonder how he had manage to appear behind me so silently.

When I failed to reply immediately, he pressed his point, "Well, 'ave yer?"

"The king?, I mumbled, "I'm not really an Elvis fan..."

"Elvis!!", he interjected, "I'm not on about bloody Elvis. 'E weren't the King!" (that capital letter again) "I'm on about the greatest singer there's ever bin! Got all 'is records I 'ave. On proper records too - not that DVD rubbish! Bloody Elvis!!"

He snorted then, and rolled his eyes towards the once-white ceiling. For all his age and infirmity, I felt for some reason that I was on shaky ground here. Perhaps it was that I suspected him of being "not quite all there", a little bit of the "but for the grace of God..." syndrome, I don't know. I waited, but he seemed capable of outwaiting a tree, so eventually I muttered something like, "Mm yes, the king, right." This started him off again.

"The King, that's 'im. Got all 'is records I 'ave. 'E woz Rock'n'Roll. Nah nah nah na-nah na-nah nah." (To be honest, this could have been anything! He was as tone-deaf as he was patently deranged) "Best song ever that were! An' 'e wrote 'undreds like it. Not many o' these modern Nancy's can say that can they?"

"Erm, no. I suppose not."

"Course not! Not one of 'em!!" He shouted this last, spittle dotting my glasses. "So? Yer picked owt by 'Im?" (He even capitalised the pronoun, I swear!)

I had to ask him in the end who he was talking about. He gave me a look then, like I'd just crawled out of a swamp, and said, in a condescending and superior tone, "'Who? Who d'yer think? The greatest! THE KING!! The man 'imself! The Man In Black! Sunglassers! Best Singer! Best guitarist! There's only bin one like 'im!"

I was beginning to get the idea from his clues and interrupted, "Oh, of course, you mean R..."

"That's right!" he exclaimed, "The one and only. Best there's ever bin and ever will be. That Ray Orbinson!!!!!"

"No", I said, "I've not picked anything by him yet. But I will."

He patted my upper arm with an old twig of a hand, the angle between the first two fingers was ochre from the decades of cigarettes that had rested there, he turned and walked back to his table, the hint of a smile playing with the edges of his mouth. "The King." he muttered.

emily655321

02-15-2006, 06:51 PM

Was that just too subtle for me, or is there more to it?

Pendragon

02-17-2006, 03:25 PM

In a small town there were only two churches, whose pastors were constantly feuding. It didn't help that the churches were side by side and only seperated by a narrow alley. One Sunday, the pastor in one church heard the other church's choir singing "Will There Be Any Stars In My Crown?" He immediately motioned to his own choral director. Their next hymn was sung as loudly as possible: "No Not One."

Pendragon

02-17-2006, 03:27 PM

I heard something similar, but the punchline was:

"While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!"Yeah, I've heard it that way as well, Robin. Funny either way. :lol: :lol:

steve12553

02-17-2006, 10:38 PM

In a small town the local bell ringer was retiring. The town elders put out the word that they needed a bell ringer. Nobody applied for the job until one day a man with no arms showed up at an elder's doors. The elder told the man that he couldn't possibly want the job as its very difficult.

"You must climb 2 flights of stairs, every hour on the hour, not to mention the bell is very heavy and most importantly you have no arms to pull the rope, how can you possibly be a bell ringer" said the elder.

The man begged, please, just give me a chance, let me prove to you that I can do this job. The Elder was moved by the mans plea and told him to come back tomorrow, and he will be tested. The man happily skipped away.

The next day rolled around , the man showed up at the bell tower at the appointed time. The elder and the man climbed the steps, when they reached the top the elder told the man "Go ahead let me see if you can ring the bell" with that the man went to the farthest point of the belfry and took a running start and ran right into the bell. ""BBBOONNGG" The man turned to the elder with a huge smile on his face. The elder told him if he could keep it up he had the job. The man was as happy as a clam and thanked the elder.

Weeks went by, the man doing his job perfectly. One day the man was walking up the bell tower and he heard voices at the top. He ran the rest of the way up and surprised a bunch of kids hanging out in the bell tower, he chased them off but didn't notice the mess they left on the floor. He knew he was almost late for the bell ringing, in a hurry he backed up as far as he could go and started running towards the bell, he didn't notice the banana peel, the man slipped, fell over the edge and plummetted to his death.

As he was lying there people congragated around, one gentle soul came out of the crowd and asked who this man was. another bystander spoke up: "I don't know his name - but his face rings a bell"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

So a week later another armless man shows up at the elder's door. "My brother had worked here and died. I was unable to get here in time for the funeral but I'm here now. I also can ring the bells the way my late brother could and would really like to have his job as a kind of tribute to him." After a brief demonstration the Elders approved and said he could start the next Sunday. Sunday comes and the bells are heard for miles around. The elders are impressed with the wonderful music. This continues for several weeks and the crouds at the church become larger every week. Then one Sunday at the regular time the bell ringer begins running at and colliding with the bells and the beautiful music begins. He continues back and forth and as he move out of the corner of his eye he spots something yellow. Alas, another banana peel. He tries to miss it but slips and goes flying out over the edge and falls over the edge and plummets to his death. Again the crowd begins to congregate and again someone asks,"who is he?" This time one of the elders says " I never knew his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Ba doom boom.

papayahed

02-18-2006, 08:06 PM

So a week later another armless man shows up at the elder's door. "My brother had worked here and died. I was unable to get here in time for the funeral but I'm here now. I also can ring the bells the way my late brother could and would really like to have his job as a kind of tribute to him." After a brief demonstration the Elders approved and said he could start the next Sunday. Sunday comes and the bells are heard for miles around. The elders are impressed with the wonderful music. This continues for several weeks and the crouds at the church become larger every week. Then one Sunday at the regular time the bell ringer begins running at and colliding with the bells and the beautiful music begins. He continues back and forth and as he move out of the corner of his eye he spots something yellow. Alas, another banana peel. He tries to miss it but slips and goes flying out over the edge and falls over the edge and plummets to his death. Again the crowd begins to congregate and again someone asks,"who is he?" This time one of the elders says " I never knew his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Ba doom boom.

I'm gonna have to add that to my repetoire.

Virgil

02-18-2006, 08:10 PM

:lol: I've heard both and they both make me laugh.

emily655321

02-19-2006, 12:39 PM

I got this from an article addressing the validity of IQ tests.

Mensa

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and a bunch of Mensa members were lunching at a local café. They discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "We couldn't help but notice that pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles, switched them, and said, "Will that be one check or separate?"