Tell Me A Joke

[Jean-Baptiste]

That is a very good joke, Kilt!

This is from a novel that I'm reading by Zadie Smith. I assure you that it is not what the author necessarily considers a good joke, and is merely used as a representative of what passes as a joke in a family that tells outrageously lame jokes--but I thought it very funny.

"What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.":lol:

[cuppajoe_9]

In a small town the local bell ringer was retiring. The town elders put out the word that they needed a bell ringer. Nobody applied for the job until one day a man with no arms showed up at an elder's doors. The elder told the man that he couldn't possibly want the job as its very difficult.

"You must climb 2 flights of stairs, every hour on the hour, not to mention the bell is very heavy and most importantly you have no arms to pull the rope, how can you possibly be a bell ringer" said the elder.

The man begged, please, just give me a chance, let me prove to you that I can do this job. The Elder was moved by the mans plea and told him to come back tomorrow, and he will be tested. The man happily skipped away.

The next day rolled around , the man showed up at the bell tower at the appointed time. The elder and the man climbed the steps, when they reached the top the elder told the man "Go ahead let me see if you can ring the bell" with that the man went to the farthest point of the belfry and took a running start and ran right into the bell. ""BBBOONNGG" The man turned to the elder with a huge smile on his face. The elder told him if he could keep it up he had the job. The man was as happy as a clam and thanked the elder.

Weeks went by, the man doing his job perfectly. One day the man was walking up the bell tower and he heard voices at the top. He ran the rest of the way up and surprised a bunch of kids hanging out in the bell tower, he chased them off but didn't notice the mess they left on the floor. He knew he was almost late for the bell ringing, in a hurry he backed up as far as he could go and started running towards the bell, he didn't notice the banana peel, the man slipped, fell over the edge and plummetted to his death.

As he was lying there people congragated around, one gentle soul came out of the crowd and asked who this man was. another bystander spoke up: "I don't know his name - but his face rings a bell"Papya, you never heard part two?

The town was, again, bellringerless. The town elders put out the word that they needed a bell ringer. Nobody applied for the job until one day a man showed up at an elder's doors. The elder told the man that he couldn't possibly want the job as its very difficult.

"You must climb 2 flights of stairs, every hour on the hour, not to mention the bell is very heavy" said the elder.

The man begged, please, just give me a chance, let me prove to you that I can do this job. It was deeply important to him, he said, as the previous bell ringer was his brother, and he wanted to carry on the tradition. The Elder was moved by the man's plea and told him to come back tomorrow, and he will be tested. The man happily skipped away.

The man proved to be a very compotent bellringer (the arms must've helped), and preformed his job perfectly until one day one day he was walking up the bell tower and he heard voices at the top. He ran the rest of the way up and surprised a bunch of kids hanging out in the bell tower, he chased them off but didn't notice the mess they left on the floor. He knew he was almost late for the bell ringing, in a hurry he backed up as far as he could go and started running towards the bell and, wouldn't you know it, he didn't notice the banana peel, slipped, fell over the edge and plummetted to his death.

As he was lying there people congragated around, one gentle soul came out of the crowd and asked who this man was. Another bystander spoke up: "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

[cuppajoe_9]

Frosh: I see by the paper that nine professors and a student were killed in a car crash.
Soph: Poor guy.

-----

Senior: I bet you're from some backwater town where everybody gathers at the post office when the mail comes.
Frosh: What's a post office?

-----

Frosh: I hear the water in this dormatory is unsafe.
Soph: Oh yes, completely undrinkable.
Frosh: What do you do about that?
Soph: Well, first we filter the water...
Frosh: Yes?
Soph: Then we boil it...
Frosh: Yes?
Soph: Then we add the chemicals...
Frosh: Yes?
Soph: Then we drink beer.

[cuppajoe_9]

What do you call 200 white men with clubs chasing one black man?

The PGA tour.

[cuppajoe_9]

The Two Cows Method of Political Science and Economics:

Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd increases and you get rich.

Pure Capitalism (real world): You have no cows. The bank will not give you a loan to buy some cows, because you have no cows to put down as collateral.

Corporate Capitalism: You have two cows. A large corporation buys both, as well as everybody elses, then restricts the supply so as to artificially inflate the price of cows.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell eight of them. You go to jail.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They sing and dance.

Alberta Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you have no idea where they are. You break for lunch.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they run 200 kilometers per hour, eat once a month and milk themselves.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are 1/10th the size, and produce 5 times as much milk. Americans buy them, and then complain about how nobody buys American cows anymore.

Indian Capitalism: You have two cows. They have nothing to worry about.

Post-Communist Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn that you have twelve cows. You count them again and learn that you have 47 cows. You open annother bottle of vodka.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

Libertarianism: Go away! What I do with my cows is none of your business!

Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors vote to decide who gets the milk.

American Democracy: You have a donkey or an elephant. It doesn't matter which.

Feudalism: Your lord has two cows. You milk them, and give the milk to him. Eventually, you die.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Beurocratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them away and gives them to chicken farmers, leaving you to take care of the chickens. Then it takes away the chickens, and gives you two new cows. Then it takes both cows, shoots one, and poors the milk down the drain. Then you have to fill out forms to account for the missing cows.

Soviet Communism: You have two cows. The government takes all the milk, and gives you certificates to get the milk that you need. You stand in line for five hours to get it, and it is always sour. If you complain, you wind up in Siberia.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Chinese Communism: You have two cows and three hundred people milking them. You claim full productivity and arrest whoever reported the numbers.

North Korean Communism: You have two cows. You interpret this as an act of war.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government requires you to teach them how to march. Then it takes both and drafts you.

Anarchism: You have two cows. They run away and form a commune.

Vegetarianism: You have two cows, and a lot of protestors on your front lawn.

Feminism: You have two cows. They don't think that's very funny.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. You go camping and get high with them.

Syndicalism: You have two cows. They throw you off the farm and handle the milking themselves.

Conservatism: You have two cows. You wish they were more like you imagine cows were back in the old days.

Zen Budhism: You do not have two cows.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

[Jean-Baptiste]

The Two Cows....harmonica lessons.

:lol: :lol: :lol: I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks, joe!

[cuppajoe_9]

No worries, friend.

[muhsin]

The Office Body Meeting:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

[muhsin]

A gentleman meets a young lady holding a baby and crying loudly.
"What's wrong , my dear?" he asks
"A man just told me my baby was the ugliest child he ever saw" replied the young woman.
" Here" said the man, offering the young lady a paper tissue. " I'll hold your monkey while you dry your eyes!":D

[Laindessiel]

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! Rolling on the floor laughing, Muhsin...

Although I think the Heart should be the BOSS. How would you live without it then? :D :D :D :D

[Virgil]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[SleepyWitch]

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they run 200 kilometers per hour, eat once a month and milk themselves.

German capitalism (Sleepy's verision): you have two cows. You hide them somewhere and claim they've been struck by lightning and got killed. You fill in lots of forms and get compensation from the EU. You use half of this money to buy two new cows and the other half to go on holidays. You feed the cows real grass in between the bonemeal. You give the environment inspector a bottle of schnaps to be on the safe side. You fill in more forms, claiming you do biological farming. You get more subsidies. You sell the milk of your four cows, which gets you even more EU subsidies. Lightning strikes your new cows....

___________________________

In the days when you couldn't count on a public
toilet facility, an English woman was planning
a trip to India. She was registered to stay in
a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house
contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She
wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the
facilities about the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the
local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together
they pondered possible meanings of the letters and
concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was
a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom
never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC
is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in
the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people
and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are
many people expected in the summer months, I suggest
you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation
especially if you are in the habit of going
regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter
was married in the WC as it was there that she met
her husband. It was a wonderful event.

There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful
to see the expressions on their faces. We can take
photos in different angle. My wife, sadly, has been
ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost! a
year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring
their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to
wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate
sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time
a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide
plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and
seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

The Woman fainted reading the reply........ and she
never visited India!!!!

[Madhuri]

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.


Some guys at my workplace do this..:sick:

[Jean-Baptiste]

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility....and she never visited India!!!!

:lol: Ah, cloacal humor. That's good stuff, Sleepy!
I also like your brand of German Capitalism. :lol:

[SleepyWitch]

hehe, I was e-mailed the WC joke by my Indian pen pal.
hm, on second thoughts, my brand of German Capitalism isn't a joke, it's very realistic :lol:

[Madhuri]

Sleepy, I too read that Indian joke.....:lol:

[RobinHood3000]

What do you call 200 white men with clubs chasing one black man?

The PGA tour.:thumbs_up Love it!!

[cuppajoe_9]

How many members of group n does it take to change a lightbulb?

x, one to change the lightbulb and x-1 to act in a manner associated with a negative sterotype of that group.

---

Three.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

---

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Green, one to wash the banana and rhinocerus to illuminate l'ennui.

---

Recently translated from the wall of an Egyptian tomb: the world's first racist joke!

He: Did you hear about the Summerian?
She: No, I did not hear about the Summerian.
He: He was extremely stupid.
She: I had not heard that.

Remeber that this was before the invention of the lightbulb.

---

Did you hear about the (ethnic group) airliner that crashed into a cemetary?

The recovered 30,000 bodies.

[Madhuri]

Employees of Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around.

Some are in loud discussions during office time.

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they asked, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager.
They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
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"About a litre..."

[Virgil]

Employees of Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around.

Some are in loud discussions during office time.

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they asked, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager.
They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
…

"About a litre..."

The horror. :eek2: I was imagining me being kidnapped and the office taking up collections. They probably would have chipped in a liter each. :lol: Very good Maddie!

[Madhuri]

The horror. :eek2: I was imagining me being kidnapped and the office taking up collections. They probably would have chipped in a liter each. :lol: Very good Maddie!

Dont worry, as I am a junior employee still, I would not hesitate to contribute 2 ltrs....;) :lol:

[Virgil]

Now coincindentally it was my birthday last week, but I assure you this is completely made up. Actually it reads like a Sleepywitch short story. ;)



Why I fired my Secretary:
>
>
> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
>As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
>My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
>As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
>It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
>I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
>I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
>We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
>I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
>She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
>After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
>"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
>
>
>
>
>
>And I just sat there...
>
>
>
>On the couch...
>
>
>
>Naked.

[Madhuri]

:eek2: http://www.cosgan.de/images/midi/konfus/g025.gif :lol:

Poor guy!!

[RobinHood3000]

...yikes. THAT is beyond mortifying, though it's hard to say he doesn't deserve it.

[Misscaroline]

Wow, Virg. Note to self: Remember NOT to be drinking anything when you click on the Jokes Thread. ESPECIALLY if Virgil's been around.... My computer thanks you for its cola bath, by the way...

[toni]

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q174/zu_warrior/ShowLetter7.jpg

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q174/zu_warrior/ShowLetter.jpg

[Pendragon]

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to look at yourself from time to time and this might get you started!


During a visit at a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"We just fill up the bathtub, then offer them a spoon, a teacup, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub." The Director said.

"Oh, I get it! A normal person would choose the bucket, as it would hold more water!" the visitor said. "Brilliant!"

"No." The Director said. "Maybe we should see about getting you a bed. A normal person would just pull the plug. You want the bed near the window?" http://smilies.vidahost.com/contrib/chapel/bigfrogs/biglaugh.gif

[Virgil]

Here's a cute one that I think Miss C will like. Somehow I can picture her as the wife. Does that mean that Robin is the husband? :p



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
> stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
> "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
> "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
> "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
> She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

[Laindessiel]

Is there a room for me too? :p

[Laindessiel]

I got these from a newspaper. No offense to the men...:p Just have a laugh!


By the time a man finds greener pastures, he’s too old to climb the fence.

Some people think the proper age for a man to start thinking of marriage is when he’s old enough to realize he shouldn’t.

Nothing ages man faster than trying to prove he’s still as young as ever.

Few women admit their age. Few act theirs.

Women’s faults are many. Men have only two: everything they say and everything they do.

There are three things most men love but never understand: females, girls, and women.

To see through a man, it takes an X-ray or an ex-wife.

A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

The average man is 42 around the chest, 44 around the waist, 96 around the golf course, and a nuisance around the house.

There are three kinds of men in the world: fits, misfits and counter-fits.

There are lots of men in this world who started at the bottom – and stayed there.

Maybe one of the things wrong with the world is that there aren’t enough leaders of men and too many chasers of women.

Man can control everything except a woman and a typhoon.

A man’s heart is like a sponge – soaked with emotions and sentiments. He can squeeze out a little bit for every pretty woman he meets.

A man is a peculiar animal. For instance his head will turn when a woman’s hip moves.

The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move!!!

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s a woman’s job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature unto something you’d like to have dinner with…

[Laindessiel]

An advice to men over 50: Keep an open mind and a closed refrigerator.

What is the difference between men and the government bonds? Bonds mature.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows… It’s never been done.

How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.

What is man’s idea of helping you with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hotdog and six-pack of beer.

How is a man like linoleum? If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next 20 years.

A man doesn’t know the value of a woman’s love until he starts paying alimony.

A man is never as weak as when some woman is telling him how strong he is. :blush: :blush: :blush: Yihee...

[Laindessiel]

What did a Philippine National Police Academy cadet worry about women when he was at the Academy that confused him and his fellow cadets even more?

If you are well dressed, she thinks you’re a playboy.
If you’re not, she thinks you’re rugged.

If you kiss her, you’re not a gentleman.
If you don’t, you’re not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you’re lying.
If you don’t, you’re as good as nothing.

If you agree with all her likes, she’s abusing.
If you don’t, she doubts your love.

If you make romance, you’re an expected man.
If you don’t, you’re a man.

If you visit her quite often, she claims it’s boring.
If you’re a minute late, she complains.
If you’re on time, she’ll make you wait.

If you propose within brief acquaintances, you’re a fresh guy.
If you propose later, she wonders why.

If you visit another, she claims you’re doing a hell.
If she is visited by another, she’ll say it’s natural for a girl.

If you fail to assist her in crossing the street, you lack manners.
If you do, she thinks it’s one of the guy’s tactics.

If you kiss her always, she thinks you’re abusing.
If you kiss her once in a while, she says you’re cold and nothing.

If you attempt romance, she says you don’t respect her.
If you don’t, she claims you’re dry.

If you contradict her, she does not like it.
If you don’t, she thinks you’re gullible.

…Oh woman, thou art so simple yet so complex to understand.
…Oh so strong, yet proven conquered…
…So confusing, but still desirable… Oh woman… woman…

[kilted exile]

Some more bad jokes to add to the collection:

Q) Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A) It was stuck to the chickens foot.

Q) What do you call a sheep on a trampoline?
A) A wooly jumper

Q) What do you call a woman who burns her bills?
A) Bernadette

Q) How do you know an elephant is in your fridge?
A) Footprints in the butter

Thank you, thank you....I'll be here all week

[Madhuri]

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.


There are more men like these.....:sick:

[zanna]

This one's from when I was 5 or 6 . . . lame . . . :)

What tuba can't you play?
A tuba toothpaste!

[RobinHood3000]

If they were really nice, they'd give the woman the benefit of the doubt.

[JackShea]

Recently I decided to take up again that brutal game of golf. I went to the Sycuan Golf Course practice area and started chipping and putting. As I came off the green there was a little girl standing there … perhaps 6 years old at the most. Here is the ensuing dialogue between us:

Girl: Excuse me. Have you seen my Grandpa?

Concerned this girl was left alone I replied:

Me: No honey. What does he look like?"

Girl (without missing a beat): Oh, he has gray hair like you but he’s a lot smarter!"

Authors note: LUCKY GUESS ON HER PART! I thought, to myself, he couldn’t be that smart to leave his Granddaughter alone…and I don’t think he was pleased with me telling him so? But who cares what he thought?!

[Madhuri]

I wonder what Virgil will say after reading it :lol:

[JackShea]

Why would I care about what Virgil would say? As you can see from the below he is long gone...Jack

Publius Vergilius Maro (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), later called Virgilius, and known in English as Virgil or Vergil

[mir]

Uh oh, now Virg will have a crisis of existence :lol:

[SleepyWitch]

There are only 10 kinds of people
those who understand binary and those who dont.

[Taliesin]

and there are three kind of mathematicians.
Those that can count to three and those who can't.

[dramasnot6]

and there are three kind of mathematicians.
Those that can count to three and those who can't.

:lol: I am most certainly the latter :p

[dramasnot6]

Why would I care about what Virgil would say? As you can see from the below he is long gone...Jack

Publius Vergilius Maro (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), later called Virgilius, and known in English as Virgil or Vergil

I must admit Virgil, youre a pretty fun guy to have around for being deceased. :lol:

[SleepyWitch]

and there are three kind of mathematicians.
Those that can count to three and those who can't.

:lol: that's even better

[Madhuri]

I must admit Virgil, youre a pretty fun guy to have around for being deceased. :lol:

:lol: He seems to be writing to us from heaven, I suppose.

[Virgil]

:lol: He seems to be writing to us from heaven, I suppose.

Heaven is lovely these days. You should come up and visit. Stay a while. :lol:

[Madhuri]

Thanks! But it will take me another 80 years or so, I guess, to reach there. :D

You should have read the joke in the previous page....hehehe...:D

[dramasnot6]

Heaven is lovely these days. You should come up and visit. Stay a while. :lol:

Send us a postcard Virgil! Im sure Heaven's postal service beats out UPS many times over.:lol:

[JackShea]

A quote fromn Virgil:"Heaven is lovely these days. You should come up and visit. Stay a while."

I think I have created a monster with my quote about Virgil. I demand royalties Virgil if you are asked to be on any talk shows!...Best...Jack

[Virgil]

A quote fromn Virgil:"Heaven is lovely these days. You should come up and visit. Stay a while."

I think I have created a monster with my quote about Virgil. I demand royalties Virgil if you are asked to be on any talk shows!...Best...Jack

:lol: Very funny Jack. If Oprah interviews me you can have the whole fee, not just royalties. :D

[cuppajoe_9]

In heaven the English greet you at the door, the French do the cooking, the Italians provide the entertainment and the Germans organise everything.

In hell the French greet you at the door, the English do the cooking, the Germans provide the entertainment and the Italians organise everything.

[Virgil]

In heaven the English greet you at the door, the French do the cooking, the Italians provide the entertainment and the Germans organise everything.

In hell the French greet you at the door, the English do the cooking, the Germans provide the entertainment and the Italians organise everything.

That is great. I think I've seen it before or something like it. :lol: :lol:

[SleepyWitch]

In hell the French greet you at the door, the English do the cooking, the Germans provide the entertainment and the Italians organise everything.

My dear sir, I must protest. We are a very funloving and entertaining people. There is plenty of evidence of that. Wait, I'll go look for it................................................ ..............................
.................................................. ...................................
.................................................. ..............................
.................................................. .................................
.................................................. .................................
.................................................. .................................
.................................................. .................................
er?? Well,,,,,

[Scheherazade]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd:

“If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers:

“Sure. Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:

“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man:

“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know c**p about my business… Now give me back my dog.”

[papayahed]

I am so going to send that joke to my consultants.....

[Jean-Baptiste]

:lol: That's good stuff, Sheherazade! :lol:

[Scheherazade]

I am so going to send that joke to my consultants.....A senior IT Consultant sent that one to me, actually :p

[JackShea]

I walked into my psychiatrist's office and sat. The Doc asked how he could help? I whined: " I don't understand it Doc? I have no friends! No one will talk to me?"
The Doc picked up the intercom and said: " Next patient please!"

[Madhuri]

Profile of a Software Engineer

About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone!! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (If you know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")

Relationship status: what?

Birthday: The day my PL is about to fire me.

Age: 10111 (this is binary, convert it into decimal to get the real age)

Here for: web browsing in company hours.

Children: can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)

Ethnicity: Programmer.

Languages I speak: Java, C/C++, 010101110101

Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.

Political view: the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!

Humor: weekly.

Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.

Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.

Drinking: The first is this.

Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog.

Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!

Hometown: My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)

Webpage: http: // jobsahead.com <-- Isnt it Ultimate???

Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.

Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.

Activities: Are you crazy?

Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.

Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.

Tv shows: can't afford one.

Cuisines: Bread Butter, Maggi (noodles), anything available within 200 meteres of Home.

:D :D

[Madhuri]

1. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.

************ **

2. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

************ **

3. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

************ **

4. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

************ **

5. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

************ **

6. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

************ **

7. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

************ **

8. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.

************ **

[Saphira]

:D A man in a taxi wants to tell the driver something and taps his shoulder. The driver yells, stops the car and runs away. After a few minutes he returns and says: - So sorry sir, but i usually drive the motor hearse. :lol:

/Niki

[Lote-Tree]

A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
* Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Humour is the sun that drives winter from the human face... :-) :-)

[Nightshade]

:lol:

* A day without sunshine is like, night.
might have to borrow this for my next sig quote

[JaneB]

hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now

the story of my life
i like to live in the now

[kandaurov]

the ones dealing with odd statistics always strike me as funny
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.

favourite puns (which I don't usually like)
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

call me a heartless man, but these ones cracked me up
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

very witty stuff, thank you for a couple of laughs :D

[andave_ya]

In heaven the English greet you at the door, the French do the cooking, the Italians provide the entertainment and the Germans organise everything.

In hell the French greet you at the door, the English do the cooking, the Germans provide the entertainment and the Italians organise everything.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Lote-Tree]

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti:Vandalism painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

[Madhuri]

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee..

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone..

:D :D

[Lote-Tree]

Ambiguity - For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
(Somebody explain THIS ONE there's a logical explanation somewhere)

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

[andave_ya]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

that was HILARIOUS!!

[PolarTucan]

Q: What do you call a dog with no ears, eyes, or legs?


A:You can call it what ever the heck you want, but I guarantee it's not going to come.

[Lote-Tree]

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

[Moira]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "Wha t does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happie st woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!



Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?


A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

[Lote-Tree]

Funny Quotes:


"Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you."
-Anon

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
-Anon

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."
-Mel Brooks

"The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bereau]."
-Anon

"Trust in God, but lock your car."
-Anon

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."
-Anon

"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce."
-Anon

"Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time."
-Anon

"Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him."
-Anon

"Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?"
-Anon

"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."
-Anon

"Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain."
-Anon

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."
-Anon

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-Anon

"If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving."
-Anon

"Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off."
-Anon

"Money is the root of all wealth."
-Anon

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
-Anon

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
-Anon

"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."
-Anon

"Being superstitious brings bad luck."
-Anon

"Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers."
-Anon

"When in doubt, give advice."
-Anon

"Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them."
-Anon

"Atheists have no invisible means of support."
-Anon

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research."
-Anon

[pinkmoon]

There was a man named Poul who worked in a sweet restaurant, one night, there was a storm and every one was home near the fireplace, so Poul wanted to close and go home, but there was an other man who came to buy a piece of cake.:(
Poul could not believe that someone will go out of his home , in this storm, to buy:D a piece of cake, so he asked the man: Are you married?
The man answered: Of course I am, do you think that my mother would let me go out at such a storm just for a piece of cake?:D

[kilted exile]

A little bit of chic murray:

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of
it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever
mistake?

So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half
wave, because I only half know him.

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper
waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for
rustling.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell
is it?

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple
woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a
simpleton.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood
me. They were Japanese.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was
quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class
to talk to.

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would
have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me
on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers - fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when
Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his
shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur
coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and
nobody even noticed.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in
a crowded string section.

Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self.
Then try to lose yourself.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon
we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's
those damned pigeons.

You know what they say about stamp collecting.
Philately will get you nowhere.

There's a new slimming course just out where they
remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but
you also look so much more relaxed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They
told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples
and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was
digging it at the time.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows.
When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and
gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine
and invented shredded tweet.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready
compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted
a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the
morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I
crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if
there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have
attempted it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at
the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was
all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A
luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of
bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were
so many holes in my socks I could put them on
seventeen different ways.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry
wedding dress.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got
up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he
got back.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When
his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father
rented the pram out. Then when they came into money
later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and
he's been pushed for money ever since.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it
Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply.
Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that
case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he
responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for
you".

I rang the bell of this small bed and breakfast
place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window.
"What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here",
I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and
closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything
else he can lay his hands on.

I was in London the other day and this man came up to
me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I
said that I didn't know it had been away.

There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never
take whisky without water, and second, never take
water without whisky.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack.
For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I don't swim. I can swim. I just don't have much
cause to do so in the normal run of things.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and
asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I
said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I
was just trying to break it."

This chap started talking to me about this and that -
about which I know very little.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man
you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that
belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I
wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow
accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there
in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a
stranger there myself.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this
chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is
foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my
way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was
mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased
about it.

This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll
see Dumbarton Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and
the thing never moved an inch.

I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him,
"Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?". He replied,
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was
Walter."

I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three
minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was
anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that
he could boil me an egg.

[Lote-Tree]

Funny Quotes

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is
that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. . ."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another"
- George Bush, US President

I have opinions of my own, strong opinions but I don't always agree with
them."
-George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal antismoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country."
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne

[Neo_Sephiroth]

Neo_Sephiroth: I would go to the end of the world for you.:cool:

Hot Chick: But would you stay there?:p

Sad thing is...I think this actually happened...I couldn't remember anything after that...:(

[Scheherazade]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering pproximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north
latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[Stieg]

This webpage is quite funny from Skeptics Annotated Bible....


Bible Absurdities (http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/abs/long.htm)

I would have posted this on a thread but didn't know which one. Sorry mods!


New Testament Absurdities (http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/abs/nt.html)

[Lote-Tree]

Allegedly, at least:


A list of actual announcements that London
Underground Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers....


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay
to your service. I know you're
all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
to be married to my ex-wife,
in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite
direction".


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line
controller suffering from elbow and
backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. The bad news is
that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which
means we probably won't reach our destination
tonight."


"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay,
but there is a security alert at
Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so
let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten
green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".


"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you
can see Baker Street is closed.
It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier,
but no, they don't think about things like that".


"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT
encourage these professional
beggars, if you have any spare change, please give
it to a registered charity,
failing that, give it to me."


"During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central
Line, the driver announced in a
West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and
gentleman...unfortunately towels are not provided".


"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause
...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
going home...."


"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to
confuse this with 'Please hold the
doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."


"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the
doors means that the doors are
about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their
f***ing hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying
to get on the second carriage -
what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"


"Please move all baggage away from the doors
(Pause..) Please move ALL belongings
away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
message to the man in the brown
suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put
the pie down, four-eyes, and
move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove
them up your a**e sideways"


"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly
no smoking allowed on any part
of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you
pass it round the rest of the carriage".

[Madhuri]

A Junior Software engineer , a Senior Software engineer and their Project Manager is on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff" and he was gone.

Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Floridawith beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff" and he was also gone.

The Project Manager calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"

Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first

:D :D

[SteveH]

Would an explosion in a French flooring factory result in Linoleum blown apart?

[anansi*_16]

Ok, so just pretend i wrote something funny

[JGL57]

(Since some of these are related to what books you can or cannot read, I think this qualifies for inclusion in the "religious texts" forum.)

Top 25 Reasons for Becoming an Atheist

25. free membership in the ACLU.
24. abortions are half-price.
23. a twenty per cent discount on your wireless phone plan.
22. you save money on funerals because there's no point in getting all dressed up when there's no place to go.
21. you'll never have need to strap on a suicide bomb, burn a cross or get up early on Sunday.
20. you get a worldview that is scientifically supported by evidence.
19. you'll get to finally think for yourself, according to a recent scientific journal.
18. you get to believe everything in every non-religious book ever written.
17. you'll not not not go to Hell. That's logic!
16. you'll get to believe that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are inalienable rights, as per Thomas Jefferson (who's now dead, along with his slaves).
15. you'll get a free copy of “Atheism for Dummies”, a.k.a. “The Origen of Species”.
14.. You'll get to be 'alternative', 'subversive' and 'edgy'- just like all the cool kids.
13. you can be a decent person because you ARE a decent person, and not because "god told me to”.
12. you can finally volunteer at that soup kitchen by the abortion clinic again without feeling compelled to question the source of the "mystery meat" in the broth.
11. you’ll be free to believe in The Force and become a Jedi.
10. if you run out of toilet paper you can nail the bible on the wall.
9. you won't need communion wafers (which are incompatible with the Atkins diet anyway).
8. you'll never have to do anything nice for anyone else ever again.
7. you'll never have to worry that Gandhi or Einstein went to hell for choosing the wrong religion.
6. If you get off on whining about how unfair life is, if you feel all alone in the world and think that nobody loves or cares about you, you get the added bonus of knowing you'll get no justice after you die either.
5. you’ll be able to read Harry Potter.
4. you get to take credit for the things you did - None of that bullcrap "I would like to thank god for my success," or, "I guess god was watching over me that night."
3. you have an excuse to shout your own name when having an orgasm ("Oh Me... Ohhh Meeee!")
2. your scientifically supported dogma is being taught in public schools using tax money paid mostly by Christians.
1. you'll be automatically qualified to teach mythology classes at the University of Kansas.

[Scheherazade]

http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/8002/untitledsg4.png (http://imageshack.us)


Before computers...


Memory was something you lost with age.


An application was for employment.


A program was a TV show.


A cursor someone who used profanity.


A keyboard was a piano.


A web was a spider's home.


A virus was the flu.


A CD was a bank account.


A hard drive was a long trip on the road.


A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.


And...


if you had a 3 inch floppy...


. . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[Scheherazade]

Men Are Just Happier People.

- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too disgusting.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress &#163;2000. Tuxedo rental &#163;100.

- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

- Your underwear is &#163;9.99 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original colour.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.

- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 2.5 minutes.

No wonder men are happier...

[Virgil]

I thought this was funny. :lol:


Blonde Male Joke

> >> The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait
!!!!
> >>
> >> An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on
> >> scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
> >>
> >> They were eating
> >> lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned
> >> beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this
> >> building."
> >>
> >> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get
> >> burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
> >>
> >> The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
> >> bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
> >>
> >> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and
> >> cabbage, and jumped to his death.
> >>
> >> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
> >>
> >> The blonde guy opened
> >> his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
> >>
> >> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd
known
> >> how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have
> >> given it to him again!"
> >>
> >> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or
> >> enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
> >>
> >> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,
> >>
> >> "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

[kilted exile]

Ah yes, I know that joke. More familiar with when it retained the guy as an Irishman instead of a blond guy however. In Scotland we use the Irish as our buffoon characters eg:

Q What is the latest Irish Invention?

A Underwater hairdryer/Inflatable dartboard/Solar powered torch etc

[BibliophileTRJ]

A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me!" "Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh, really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon."

************************************

A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer he'd made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

************************************

"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife. "No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."

[RespectEarth]

Q: What kind of pants do clouds wear?


A: Thunderwear!!!!

........ok i admit its not my best. :-(

[firefangled]

A mean old lady owned a parrot. She would have a bad day and tease the parrot and call it names and poke at it through the cage, which she never opened so the parrot could fly.

The mean old lady died and her friend (remember she was mean) took the parrot to a pet shop and left it there for free. Well the parrot was as mean or meaner than the old lady was. He bit people who tried to feed him, he bit the pet shop keepers when they tried to change his cage. It was awful. So they put a sign on the parrot's cage, FREE PARROT!

One day a lonely man walked into the pet store and was looking for a pet. When he walked by the parrot's cage it said, "Hello!" "Hello," said the man from a distance, because he was unsure of parrots. But he like that the parrot said hello, so he told the shop keeper to covr the cage and he would take the parrot home. "Why is hs free," asked the lonely man? Well the shop keeper told the man that the parrot was not used to people yet, but he was sure it would get better and the man took the parrot home.

Right away the parrot began acting up. It would bite the man and cuss at him with words he had never heard. It would make noise all night long. It was awful.

So, one day the lonely man had had enough and he put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot screamed bloody murder and tried to bump open the door and then he would scream again. This went on for an hour and then it stopped. "Oh no," said the man, "I don't want to kill him." So he opened the door and took the parrot out. The parrot was very calm and the man was afraid he had hurt it. Suddenly, the parrot spoke, very eloquently, " I apologize for acting so ungrateful to you. Afterall, if it were not for you, kind sir, I would not have such a wonderful house in which to live. Please forgive and I promise to be the exemplary parrot from now on." "Alright said the man," but the first time you misbehave, it's back to the freezer with you!"
"Deal" said the parrot, then added, "By the way kind sir, I noiced something when I was in the freezer and I have a question....what did the chicked do?"

[Bakiryu]

This is a parrot joke too.

Ok, a woman goes to a petshop wanting to a pet. She sees all the pricy animals then sees a parrot just for fifty dollars.

She goes to the clerk and asks "hey, how come that one is so cheap?"
The clerk answers "oh ma'am you don't want that parrot. It used to live on a whorehouse."
"so?" she says and buys the parrot.

When she gets home she puts the parrot on the living room.
Them her daughter comes from school "You filthy whore!" says the parrot.
They both laught.

Then comes her son from work "you ugly homo" the laught again.
at last comes the husband from work and the parrot says "Hi Pedro, back so soon?"

[Shurtugal]

come one... we all have those funny jokes! admit it. so lets share 'um. either if they are your favorite, or just something that made you laugh we want to here them! i don't know if this has been done before, sorry if it has.:lol:


Once there where a blond hair girl, she needed to buy a tv so she went down to her local electronic store. She walked in and pointed at a tv and said to the clerk, "I want that tv." The clerk looked at the tv and said,"Sorry, but we don't sell to the blonds." Upset she left the store and went to the local hair solon and dyed her hair brown. She returned to the store, pointed at the tv, and said to the same clerk as before, "I want that tv." The clerk looked at her then at the tv, saying, "Sorry, but we don't sell to the blonds." Very mad ther girl left and died her hair black. She returned to the store, pointed at the tv, and said once again to the same clerk, "I want that tv!" The clerk looked at her then to then at the tv, saying, "Sorry, we don't sell to the blonds." The girl was livid! Shouting she exclaimed to the clerk, "HOW do you know that I'm a blond?! I died my hair brown and black! How do you know?!" The clerk looked at her then pointed at the tv with his thumb, "Well first of all, that's a micorwave."

i have the right to make a joke toward blonds, for after all, i am one!

[PrinceMyshkin]

A ventriloquist was doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he was going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stood on her chair and started shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

Embarrassed, the ventriloquist began to apologize, when the blonde yelled,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"

[BibliophileTRJ]

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

***********************************

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign posted on the glass door saying, "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[greenlake]

Once there were three girls who where spies in another country. A blonde, a bernet, and a black haired girl. They were captured and were going to be killed by gunshot. First came the brenet; she stood against the wall. The men cried, "Ready, aim,-" but before they could finish the girl called, "Tornado!" Everyone hid, and she got away. The next girl, the black haired, stood at the wall, the men cried, "Ready, aim-" but the black haired girl shouted before they could finish, "Tsonimi!" Everyone hid and she got away. Next up was the blonde, the men called out "Ready, aim-" The blonde followed the example of the other two girls and called, "FIRE!!!"

[Pendragon]

Totally true story. We have two Doctors here in town, both of which have at one time or another been my family doctor. Dr. Hale was my family doctor, but when I went to work at the plant, they had Dr. McDowell as company doctor and it became convenient to switch. Both Doctors were on call at the hospital ER. Dr. McDowell was taking care of a lady when an emergency birth came in. As Doctor McDowell was qualified in that area and Doctor Hale was not, they called for him to come, STAT. The woman, indignant that the doctor was rushing out, said. "And what and I supposed to do?" "I guess you'll be seeing Hale." Doctor McDowell replied... http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ROFL.gif

[BlueSkyGB]

Here's a link to a good one......:lol:
Introduction to the book....
Scroll user calls help-desk....

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/introducing-the-book-p1.php

[Pendragon]

A well-known woman was having a clandestine affair while her husband was away on trips. One day he came home unexpected, and the man was forced to hide in the closet. The woman’s seven year old slipped in after him.

“Oooo! It’s dark in here!” The little boy complained.

“Shhh! Kid you’ll get used to it.” The sweating cheat whispered. “Be still or your dad will catch me!”

“Well, how’d you like to buy this fishing rod?” The boy asked. “Only $50.”

“FIFTY…un, yeah, here, kid. Just be quiet.”

About two weeks later the same thing happened. As the two crouched in the closet, the little boy said, “Ooooo! It’s dark in here.”

“What are you going to blackmail me with this time?” the man sighed.

“Pocketknife. $50.”

The little boy’s dad came home that weekend and wanted to go fishing.

“Can’t dad. I sold my fishing pole.”

“Really? What did you get for that old Zebco?”

“$50.”

“Right. Hey, hand me your knife, I need to cut this rope off.”

“I sold it for $50, too.”

The dad grew very angry. “What does that woman teach you anyhow? I won’t stand for a kid that tells such outlandish lies. Get in the car.”

The two drove down to the local Catholic Church. “Now, You march right into that confessional and get yourself an absolution!”

The boy entered the confessional. “Oooo! It’s dark in here!”

The Priest growled. “Oh, no, not you again!”

[motherhubbard]

Two snowmen were talking and one snowman said to the other
**sniff sniff**
"Do you smell carrots?"

[hockeychick8792]

There was plane that was about to crash into the side of a cliff. 4 people were on board: the pilot, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boyscout. The problem was there were only 3 parachutes. SO the pilot said "I have 9 little kids I have to jump" so he did. Then the smartest man in the world said "So many people will benifit from my experiments I have to go." and so he did. The the priest turned to the boyscout and said. "My son I have lived a long life of worship, and I am ready to meet my maker. So you go." The boy scout then said. "Don't worry we will both live" with a puzzled look on the priest face teh boy scout said. " the smartest man in the world jump out with my nap-sack not the parachute."
:lol:

[Pendragon]

I tell these jokes to remind us that even those of us that preach must live what we preach or we need to shut up.

A certain vicar in a small remote village did most of his visitations on a bicycle. On one Sunday, he discovered it missing, and annouced to the Sexton that the church would hear a blazing sermon on the 10 commandments that would make the thief squirm. However, when the Vicar took the pulpit, his text was on 1Cor.10:12 "Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall." After the sermon the Sexton asked the Vicar why he had changed his mind.

"Oh that. Well, I was going over the commandments and when I came to "thou shalt not commit adultery" I happened to recall where I left my bicycle. Mea culpa."

[Shurtugal]

there was this blonde hair girl who was pulled over by this strange guy. he told her to get out of the car as she did he drew a circle around her and told her she couldn't go out of circle, or else. then the man took his bat that he had been holding and started to beat up the blonde's car.
after a couple of hits the blonde started to laugh. confussed, the guy started to hit the car more agressevly. but the blonde still kept on laughing, infact she was on the floor laughing. the guy broke all the windows on the car and went all the more agressive. now the blonde was crying with laughter.
"why are you laughing?!" demanded the guy after seeing that nothing would stop the girl from laughing.
"while you were smashing the car," she began, " i stepped out of the circle."

[Bakiryu]

A policeman was standing on a corner when a young woman comes to him in hysterics screaming.
"Miss, what happened?" he asks.
She starts explaining how some guy just grabbed her and kissed her on the middle of the street.
The policeman, furious asks "What did this pervert look like?"
The woman blushes and says "I don't know"
The policeman, boiling mad, wonders "How could you not know!?"
And to this she replies "It's just mr.policeman, I always close my eyes when somebody kisses me!"

(this un-funny joke was translated from spanish by me. it sucks. i know.)

[Granny5]

there was this blonde hair girl who was pulled over by this strange guy. he told her to get out of the car as she did he drew a circle around her and told her she couldn't go out of circle, or else. then the man took his bat that he had been holding and started to beat up the blonde's car.
after a couple of hits the blonde started to laugh. confussed, the guy started to hit the car more agressevly. but the blonde still kept on laughing, infact she was on the floor laughing. the guy broke all the windows on the car and went all the more agressive. now the blonde was crying with laughter.
"why are you laughing?!" demanded the guy after seeing that nothing would stop the girl from laughing.
"while you were smashing the car," she began, " i stepped out of the circle."
Hey, Shurtugal, I'm a blond and I want to tell you about what I think about blond jokes. One time I was driving down a country road and I saw a another blond out in the middle of a field rowing a boat. There wasn't any water for miles around but she was really trying to row that stupid boat. I stopped my car, got out and yelled, "Hey you blond, you are the kind of blond that gives us all a bad name. I can't believe you're so stupid! If I could swim, I'm come out there and slap you!"

[AuntShecky]

This is for those who are embarrassed by mistakes in grammar and usage:

A man dies, goes to Heaven, and knocks on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
"It's me, Bro!" the man answers. St. Peter opens the gates and lets the man in.

Another candidate arrives and he also knocks on the Pearly
Gates. Again, St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
The answer: "Yo, Dude! It's me!" Again, St. Peter grants
the soul admittance.

Finally, a woman arrives and gives the Pearly Gates a genteel tap. St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
And she answers softly, "It is I, Lord."
Then St. Peter slaps his forehead and exclaims,
"Damn! Another English teacher!"

Auntie

[Pendragon]

A large, big-name, rather pompous preacher showed up at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter yawned as he asked, "Name?"

"Everybody knows me! I have preached the gospel world-wide! I am The Right Reverand Mr. ______."

"That's worth about 3 points, Rev." Saint Peter replied.

"THREE! I founded an entire Bible Collage that trains hundreds of Ministers every year! My church alone seated 4,000!"

"Wonderful. Four more points." Saint Peter said. "You gotta do better than that."

"The way things are going the only way I'm going to get in is by the Grace of God!" Shouted the angry Reverand ________.

Saint Peter smiled, as the door clicked open. "You could have said that in the first place..."

[Bakiryu]

Church Bulletin Bombs

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

6. Thursday at 5.00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.

7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

8. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

11. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

12. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

13. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

14. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. John Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

15. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7:00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

16. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

17. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

18. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

19. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Peter's Catholic Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

21. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

22. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

26. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

27. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

28. The new pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

29. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

30. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

31. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

32. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

33. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

34. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

35. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

36. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

37. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

38. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

39. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

40. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

41. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

42. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

43. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

44. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

45. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

46. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

47. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

48. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

49. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

[Bakiryu]

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

(Don't try this at home...)

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)



Science and God

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"


Bible Riddles

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A: Ruth-less.

Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

A: Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A: Samson; he brought the house down.

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

A: In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A: They were really put out.

Q: What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

A: They really raised Cain.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: How long did Cain hate his brother?

A: As long as he was Abel!

Q: What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?

A: So long Fellers!

Q: The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?

A: They used floodlights.

Q: After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?

A: 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.

Q: Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?

A: When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q: Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?

A: When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A: David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

A: The thought had never entered his head before?

Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?

A: No, he already fell for it once.

Q: Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?

A: Because it was Paul's bottle.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?

A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Why won't we drink milk in the new world?

A: Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.

Q: Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?

A: At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one."

Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?

A: Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A: The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.

Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?

A: Because Job16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q: Will there be dogs in the new system?

A: No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.

Q: Who was the straightest man in the bible?

A: Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

Q: Which Christian magazine did the apostle Paul command to never throw away?

A: Ephesians 5:18 says to "keep Awake"

[Bakiryu]

If College Students Wrote the Bible

1. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.

2. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.

3. New Edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

4. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

5. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to "[email protected]"

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

7. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

8. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

9. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 year: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

10. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.



Favorite Songs of Biblical Characters
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"


Good Dog

This Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Christian dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Report from the Pastoral Search Committee (PSC/PNC)

We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we've followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references.
The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy nude walking in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier ministry over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered he was a "peeping Tom" and had and affair with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression -- collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people -- might fit in better in a poor congregation.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper -- even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO-type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

Timothy: Too young.

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and his church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

I'm having fun with this!

[greenlake]

there was this bernet,black, and green haird girls at a bar. the bar tender asked the green haird girl "where did you get your hair done at?" the green haird girl told the bar tender while wipeing her nose"its all naturall."

[Shalot]

This is for those who are embarrassed by mistakes in grammar and usage:

A man dies, goes to Heaven, and knocks on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
"It's me, Bro!" the man answers. St. Peter opens the gates and lets the man in.

Another candidate arrives and he also knocks on the Pearly
Gates. Again, St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
The answer: "Yo, Dude! It's me!" Again, St. Peter grants
the soul admittance.

Finally, a woman arrives and gives the Pearly Gates a genteel tap. St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
And she answers softly, "It is I, Lord."
Then St. Peter slaps his forehead and exclaims,
"Damn! Another English teacher!"

Auntie

I don't have a joke but the whole "It is I Lord" reminds me of a hymn I sang at Catholic school. I think it was called, Here I Am, Lord.

Anyway, I just thought of a joke (warning: it is lame):

Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny. :alien:

[BulletproofDork]

Church Bulletin Bombs

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

6. Thursday at 5.00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.

7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

8. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

11. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

12. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

13. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

14. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. John Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

15. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7:00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

16. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

17. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

18. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

19. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Peter's Catholic Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

21. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

22. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

26. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

27. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

28. The new pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

29. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

30. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

31. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

32. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

33. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

34. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

35. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

36. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

37. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

38. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

39. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

40. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

41. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

42. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

43. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

44. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

45. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

46. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

47. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

48. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

49. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.


THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: It made me ROFL.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Now I've got to show it to everyone I know.

[ESHQUIA]

OK, I wanna start a jokes thread... so I did. Tell a joke here and make us laugh.

OK, here is my first one:

Mother says to daughter: If a boy is getting to frisky, just stop and ask "What will we call the baby?"
That's a good idea the girl thinks, so she tries it out.

One day she is making out with a boy and things start to get a little overheated. She stops and says "What are we gonna call the baby?" and the boy bails.

Great she thinks, this works well.
She keeps using this line for a few years till she gets to the point where she is wanting things to go 'too far' herself.

She is making out with her BF on the banks of a fast moving river. Things are getting really racy, he puts on a condom and makes love to her.
When he is done, he takes it off, ties a knot in the end and throws it in the river.

Blissfully dazed and confused, she says 'What will we call the baby?'
He just laughs and says "Babe, if he can get out of that one we'll call him 'Houdini'!"

[Wizard272002]

Blonde Helicopter Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo- helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went.
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.

The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.

The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."

[Granny5]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
And that's coming from a blond!
(well, sort of :D )

[Gadget Girl]

Haha! That's funny! :lol:

[Virgil]

I love these word play jokes.


New Vocabulary

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

[symphony]

:p lol Virgil, i like the first and last one most!

[symphony]

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

[ESHQUIA]

Q. Will sit-ups prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A. Definitely not. When you excercise a muscle gets bigger. You should only do sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

A man went into a hardware store. "Do you have any traps?' he asked
" Please hurry, I have a bus to catch". So the man behind the counter replied, "No I'm sorry we dont have traps that large, only small mouse traps.

Q. If I give up smoking, will I Live longer?
A. Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q. At the gym, a guy asked me to 'spot' for him while he did the brench press. What did he mean?
A. 'Spotting' for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health-clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why your going in, you probably aught to re-evaluate your exercise program!!! :D

Our life if what our thoughts make it!! Oh well, we know what you've been thinking, don't we?? :D

[NikolaiI]

Q. If I give up smoking, will I Live longer?
A. Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Smokers simply know the value of living life to its fullest instead of being obsessed with living longer than anybody. :)
Joking aside, smoking can be liberating also, as it can be addicting. It's truly only addictive if you believe you can be addicted, if not it does not disturb your liberated state of mind. Smoking is a psychotropic drug, a hard one in fact, based on its addictiveness and the fact you can OD on nicotine, but the choices a person makes override even a brain's predisposition or need for nicotine. The need is just a part of the created reality, and if one behaves as if addicted, then one thinks one is addicted, but if one behaves as if free from desire, they become free from desire in actuality.

[Virgil]

Excuse the potty humor, but I thought this was pretty funny.


Western Tale

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse...

He heard some noise, so he looked down the deep shaft and, low and behold, there was an Indian down the hole.

The cowboy exclaimed, "How long have you been down there?"

The Indian replied, "Many moons."

[LadyW]

This joke is taken from Pulp fiction; everyone thinks it's cheesy but... I always found it really funny.

So theres a Dad tomato, a Mum tomato and a little tomato; they're all walking along in a line. The little tomato starts lagging, and Dad tomato gets angry. He walks over to the little tomato and squishes him! He says "Ketchup!"

[Jane Jane]

Smokers simply know the value of living life to its fullest instead of being obsessed with living longer than anybody. :)
Joking aside, smoking can be liberating also, as it can be addicting. It's truly only addictive if you believe you can be addicted, if not it does not disturb your liberated state of mind. Smoking is a psychotropic drug, a hard one in fact, based on its addictiveness and the fact you can OD on nicotine, but the choices a person makes override even a brain's predisposition or need for nicotine. The need is just a part of the created reality, and if one behaves as if addicted, then one thinks one is addicted, but if one behaves as if free from desire, they become free from desire in actuality.


I have lost several members of my family, some young, to smoking, so whatever are the facts, it is still a bummer to me. :(

[Virgil]

I thought this was funny.


origin of human race?

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.

[mercy_mankind]

I thought this was funny.

origin of human race?

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.



:) :) :) :)
I can not stop laughing .
Thank you Virgil

[Virgil]

:) :) :) :)
I can not stop laughing .
Thank you Virgil

You're welcome, Mercy. :D

[ReynardKitsune]

i had a good laugh with this

[Virgil]

A really good one!



The secret to a long Italian marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly
husband's marriage seminar. At one session, the Priest
asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some
insight into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've
tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best
of all is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th
anniversary!'

The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us
what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th anniversary.'

Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go and get her.'

[PrinceMyshkin]

A really good one!

Brilliant! And in a somewhat similar vein:


A husband and his wife had not been getting along sexually. On their next anniversary the husband presented his wife the gift of a tombstone with the inscription:

"Here lies my wife - cold as ever."

His wife immediately went out to get a present for him, which was also a tombstone, on which the inscription read:

"Here lies my husband - stiff at last."

[Zippy]

A woman is visiting a funeral parlor where her husband is lying in his coffin. She views the body and compliments the mortician on the wonderful job he's done.

"It's fantastic," she says. "He looks so life like. There's only one thing. He's wearing a black suit. I've always thought blue looked better on him, could you possibly change it?"

She reaches into her purse and produces a blank cheque and hands it to the mortician. "I don't care what the cost is," she says, "but could you get it done?"

The next day she returns to the funeral parlor to see her husband in the coffin wearing a beautiful taylored blue suit.

"He looks wonderful," she says, "such a wonderful suit. How much did it cost?"

The mortician hands her back her cheque.

"Don't worry about it," he says, "another body came in yesterday and I switched the heads!"

[Virgil]

Brilliant! And in a somewhat similar vein:


A husband and his wife had not been getting along sexually. On their next anniversary the husband presented his wife the gift of a tombstone with the inscription:

"Here lies my wife - cold as ever."

His wife immediately went out to get a present for him, which was also a tombstone, on which the inscription read:

"Here lies my husband - stiff at last."


Glad you liked it. Now here's one from the female side of it: :D


Older women are so practical
>
> AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE
> DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP
> CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT
> I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL. NOW I HAVE A
> $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV,
> BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE
> NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS." MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE
> WOMAN.SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE
> WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP
> APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A
> 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
>
> AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE
> CRISES

[AuntShecky]

The jokes from Prince and Zippy remind me of an old one
the late Henny Youngman used to tell:
"My wife asked me, 'Dear, when you die do you want to be buried or cremated?' So I said, 'Surprise me!' "

[Amundsen]

Three snails are moving at the tramlines. First shout: I see a train! krak (he has been run over by the train) Second: Where? krak Third: Here! krak

[LadyW]

Last night I lay in bed, I was gazing up and the mystical stars, scattered across the blue midnight sky like diamonds...
I wondered: where the hell is my ceiling!?

[Virgil]

THE LAWYER AND THE BLONDE

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The
blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to
sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[Silvia]

in order to understand this one, you must know that in Italy Genoeses are thought to be a little churlish...

One evening a Genoese and a priest go and have dinner together at a fancy restaurant. When the bill comes, the Genoese says, in a faint voice: "I pay!".
The next morning, on the newspaper: " ventriloquist priest found dead. The police is looking for the murderer"

[Virgil]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...





































He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses." If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

[sprinks]

:lol: I actually thought about this for a while and STILL got it wrong! I am a genius! :p

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Virgil]

:lol: I actually thought about this for a while and STILL got it wrong! I am a genius! :p

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I did too when I first saw it. I was trying to create circles with my fingers and put them over my eyes. :lol: :lol:

[sprinks]

I did too when I first saw it. I was trying to create circles with my fingers and put them over my eyes. :lol: :lol:

Yeah that was the type of thing I was trying, and the actual motion of putting them on :lol:

[symphony]

Oh Niamh has got to see this (http://www.appleseeds.org/Being-Irish.htm)!
:lol:

[djy78usa]

Two middle-aged men are playing a round of golf together. As they reach the 17th green, the men notice a funeral procession in the distance. The first man stops, takes off his hat, and lowers his head as the procession passes. As they resume play, the second man looks at his friend and says:
"Wow, that was damned decent of you Mike!"
"Well, its the least I could do," the man replies. "We were married for 30 years"

[Virgil]

Be careful what you wish for.....

A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 32nd wedding
anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: 'For
being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so
thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each
a wish.'
'Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling
husband'

The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a minute and said: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and
not my Heart. '

'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.'

The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish.

So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - the husband became 92
years old.

The Moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember; Fairies are Female.

[papayahed]

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's Door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to
God, breathless, and said, "They're gone!"

'What? All of the Detroiters are gone?' asked God.

'No!' replied Saint Peter. 'The Pearly Gates!'

[Nossa]

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?"

The helpful store clerk responds, "Why, it’s a thermos."

Still curious, the blonde asks, "What does it do?"

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," replies the clerk.

So she buys one….

The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.

Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What’s that shiny thingy?"

She replies with authority, "It’s a thermos."

"Oh," says he, "And what’s it do?"

"Well," says she, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?"

"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

[Sarasvati21]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for
the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[Virgil]

:lol: I love this thread. :D

Ok, here's another:

Golf Marriage

As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends."


His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker."

"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in no time."

[Nossa]

Okay I read this on that other forum, I can't stop laughing everytime I read it!

Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped:

“The cucumber has left the salad.”
“Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”
“Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”
“Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”
“Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”
“Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”
“You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”
“You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”
“I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”

[Virgil]

Okay I read this on that other forum, I can't stop laughing everytime I read it!

Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped:

“The cucumber has left the salad.”
“Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”
“Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”
“Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”
“Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”
“Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”
“You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”
“You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”
“I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”
:lol:
Alright Nossa, that's pretty funny. So i sat and thought up some more:

Are you an undercover cop? Your pistol is peeking.
You know richard is looking out the window.
I guess the carpenter is looking for some more wood.
Has the telescope focused on the moon yet?
It must be pretty hot out, your dog is panting.
:lol:

[pussnboots]

Nossa and Virgil: very funny :lol: :lol:

your posts remind me of the thread "between my legs"

[Nossa]

:lol:
Alright Nossa, that's pretty funny. So i sat and thought up some more:

Are you an undercover cop? Your pistol is peeking.
You know richard is looking out the window.
I guess the carpenter is looking for some more wood.
Has the telescope focused on the moon yet?
It must be pretty hot out, your dog is panting.
:lol:

:lol: :lol:
I have something that I just digged out of my mail box :p

Stupid Questions:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??

Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

[Virgil]

The school bell rang just as little Johnny started eating a Popsicle, and since he didn't want to waste it, he stuck it in his pants pocket.

In the classroom the teacher asked little Vicky what they called people who lived at the North Pole. She said, "Eskimos."

Then teacher asked little Teresa what they called people who live in Mexico. She said, "Mexicans."

The teacher asked Little Johnny what they called people who live in Europe, and Johnny said, "I don't know."

Then super-smart little Mary behind Frankie said, "European."

Little Johnny's face turned read and he screamed, "I AM NOT! My Popsicle is melting!"

[Nossa]

The school bell rang just as little Johnny started eating a Popsicle, and since he didn't want to waste it, he stuck it in his pants pocket.

In the classroom the teacher asked little Vicky what they called people who lived at the North Pole. She said, "Eskimos."

Then teacher asked little Teresa what they called people who live in Mexico. She said, "Mexicans."

The teacher asked Little Johnny what they called people who live in Europe, and Johnny said, "I don't know."

Then super-smart little Mary behind Frankie said, "European."

Little Johnny's face turned read and he screamed, "I AM NOT! My Popsicle is melting!"

:lol: :lol:


"You all have obsessions," the therapist observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[ben.!]

It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds!'

Haha, it soooo gets kids ready for a big epic story! AND BOOM! IT'S A RECURRING CYCLE!

Ahh, the hilarity of it.

[Sarasvati21]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was! He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick, "said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one
for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter
and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.

[sprinks]

:lol: That made me laugh, which is good as I'm rather stressed lately, so every now and then reading a joke just lightens my mood a little :)

[Virgil]

Chucky the rooster


>An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked,
"Sir,
> > >what's that on your shoulder?"
> > >The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go,
> Chucky
> > >goes."
> > >"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in
the
> > >theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the
> > >bird
> down
> > >his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered
> > >the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
> > >
> > >
> > >The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer
> unzipped
> > >his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
> > >"Marge,"
> > >whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me
> > >is
a
> > >pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his
> pants
> > >and he has his thing
> > >out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge.
> > >"At our

> > >age we've seen 'em all."
> > >"That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating
> > >my popcorn."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[djy78usa]

Two men are playing a nice round of golf one afternoon. When they reach the 17th green, one of the men notices a funeral procession driving by on a nearby road. He stops, removes his hat, bows his head as the hearse passes, then lines up and sinks his putt.
"Wow, that was pretty nice of you," says the man's friend.
"Well, it was the least I could do," the man replies, "we were married for 25 years."

[Tournesol]

A guy was driving down the highway when he meets a terrible pile-up.
He notices a man walking along the shoulder of the highway, stopping by every car to chat with the drivers.

WHen he gets to his car, the man puts down his window to talk with him.

"What's going on? What's with all the traffic?"

"Dude, they kidnapped the prime minister! They're asking for $10 million ranson, or else they'll pour gasoline on him, and burn him! So we're going around collecting from every car"

"O my gosh, I'll give." the driver said, reaching for his wallet. "So, on average, how much is everyone giving?"

"One gallon."

[Virgil]

All I can say is, it works. :lol:

Italian Business School

Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates : 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business...

[Nossa]

All I can say is, it works. :lol:

Italian Business School

Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates : 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business...

:lol: :lol: That was hilarious!

[Nossa]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver
so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a
beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, "Times Up"?!

[Nossa]

Marriage after 6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

[Sir Bartholomew]

i don't know about this but here it goes....

a rooster is sitting on top of a pyramid.
it lays an egg.
which side of the pyramid will the egg land?

[Virgil]

Marriage after 6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

I can imagine what the answers would be for 60 years. :lol:

Sir Bart, I give up. Which side does it fall?

[papayahed]

Sir Bart, I give up. Which side does it fall?

So roosters lay eggs in your neck of the woods??

[Virgil]

So roosters lay eggs in your neck of the woods??

Silly me. OK. I'm not observant. As to the joke, I rate it a :sick: .

[Sir Bartholomew]

yep i know it's corny. :p roosters don't lay eggs.

[Virgil]

Subject: The Ostrich and the Man
>
>
> A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the
> waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a
> hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
> $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
> change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll
> have a hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."
>
> Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
>
> "The usual?" asks the waitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad,"
> says the man.
>
> "Same for me," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will
> be $12.62."
>
> Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
> the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
>
> "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
> out of your pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I
> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
> wishes.
>
> My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
have
> to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be
> there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
> as long as you live!"
>
> "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
> money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with
> long legs."

[AuntShecky]

Virgil, you'll have to get over here and pick me up. I laughed so hard I fell on the floor. (Wonder why it took so many trips to the restaurant for the waitress to ask the question?)
Anyway, here's another saloon one. True story. A guy walks into a bar and orders a Burt Reynolds. Bartender says, "Huh? A Burt Reynolds? What's that?"

The customer says, "What kind of bartender are you if you don't know what a Burt Reynolds is? You must be stupid! Well, I'll enlighten you. A Burt Reynolds consists of rum and Coca Cola."

"Oh!" the bartender says, "You want a 'Cuba Libre.' "

"No, the customer insists," I want a Burt Reynolds. Why can't I get what I ordered?"

"Okay, Buddy,the customer's always right." the bartender says, and he mixes him the drink. "That will be $4.75."

"Four seventy-five!" the customer yells. "The sign on the wall says 'Cuba Libre--$2.50.' "

"Yep, that's right," the bartender says. " A Cuba Libre costs $2.50. . . .
. . .and a Burt Reynolds cost $4.75."


A guy was driving down the highway when he meets a terrible pile-up.
He notices a man walking along the shoulder of the highway, stopping by every car to chat with the drivers.

WHen he gets to his car, the man puts down his window to talk with him.

"What's going on? What's with all the traffic?"

"Dude, they kidnapped the prime minister! They're asking for $10 million ranson, or else they'll pour gasoline on him, and burn him! So we're going around collecting from every car"

"O my gosh, I'll give." the driver said, reaching for his wallet. "So, on average, how much is everyone giving?"

"One gallon."

Hey, at the rate gas prices are going, the $10 million ransom will be cheaper!

[Virgil]

Virgil, you'll have to get over here and pick me up. I laughed so hard I fell on the floor. (Wonder why it took so many trips to the restaurant for the waitress to ask the question?)


Glad you liked it. :D

[Taliesin]

I know a similar story about a man who goes to a bar, puts a miniature piano on the table, and takes from his bag a really small midget who starts to play the piano really well. The act is a real success, people give him money and so on.
At some moment someone asks him from where did he obtain the midget.
"Well," starts the man, "I was walking in the desert and found an old lamp, rubbed it, and it turned out to have a genie in it who gave me three wishes. The bad news was that he was hard of hearing. At first I wished for a million ducks. He made a million ducks appear. They flew away.
Next I wanted to be the ruler of the world. Then the genie produced a wooden ruler.
And as for the third wish - do you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

[Nossa]

I read that joke on a site, can't remember which. It's called "Ten things that would sound dirty on Halloween". I just don't know if it's gonna look good on this forum :lol:

Okay...I got this video on Facebook. It's hilarious...hope it fits in here :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wTyI9xqy7U

[barbara0207]

Fits beautifully. I laughed out loud. :lol:

[Amundsen]

Saloon. Half-dead man went to bar and he said: Everybody RUN OUT OF HERE. Bill The Killer is going here. And he died. Nobody is doing escape. Everything is cool. In a few minutes before the saloon stopped buffalo with 2 metres tall and 120 kilos weight big man (Arnold Scharzenegger type). He killed one horse, and went to the bar. He looked around the saloon. Everybody was quiet. Barman was scared. Man said to barman: Give me bottle of your best whiskey. Barman gave it to him. Man drunk it, and said: Barman, you have got very good whiskey. I could stay here for a while and drink more, but I am chasing by Bill The Killer.

[Virgil]

This one is a little risque. I apologize if you're appalled.



A psychiatrist checks his schedule and sees that a new patient is coming in.

When the man arrives, he enters the office completely naked, except for the fact that he's wrapped knees-to-neck in Saran Wrap.

The shrink looks at him and says, "I can clearly see yer nuts."

[pussnboots]

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"


This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

[Virgil]

I thought of lit net the moment I read this one. I had to post it. :D



"Great Writer"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[sprinks]

:lol:!!! Oh thats great Virgil, thanks for that, how true!! :p
:lol::lol::lol:

[Virgil]

Glad you liked that Sprinks.

Here's another golf joke. Seems like there are so many of these.


Golfing husband

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when, suddenly, she collapses from a

heart attack! "Help me, dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up

his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green, and stares at him. "I'm dying over

here, and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the

second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him

play through."

[Scheherazade]

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:


8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of
time......

[Virgil]

:lol: That's great. And that's why dogs are the most common pet.

[Tournesol]

A husband and wife have a huge quarrel. Eventually, it gets to the point where the husband says
"I'm not talking to you anymore!" and the wife responds
"Don't worry, I won't have anything to say to you in a hurry!"

After more than a week of not speaking to one another, the husband realises that he was forced to communicate with the wife in some way or the other.

He had a business meeting out of town, and he needed to get up at 4am to get a head start. He hastily scribbled a note "Wake me at 4am" and left it on the nightstand on her side of the bed.

The next morning, the husband woke up with the sun on his face, and birds whistling sweetly outside the window. Streching and feeling pretty good about his long night's rest, it suddenly occurred to him what time it was:
9am.

He rushed into the kitchen and screamed to the wife "WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME?!"
"I did." she replied, very calmly, without raising her head.

Muttering under his breath, he quickly showers and dresses. As he reaches for his watch on his nightstand, he sees a neatly written note:
'It's 4am. Wake up.'





Things to ponder:

1. If people point to their wrists when asking for the time, why don't they point to their bums when asking for the bathroom?

2. Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?

3. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

[Beautifull]

what do you call a drive by by china?

a cap a chino!

[mercy_mankind]

A husband and wife have a huge quarrel. Eventually, it gets to the point where the husband says
"I'm not talking to you anymore!" and the wife responds
"Don't worry, I won't have anything to say to you in a hurry!"

After more than a week of not speaking to one another, the husband realises that he was forced to communicate with the wife in some way or the other.

He had a business meeting out of town, and he needed to get up at 4am to get a head start. He hastily scribbled a note "Wake me at 4am" and left it on the nightstand on her side of the bed.

The next morning, the husband woke up with the sun on his face, and birds whistling sweetly outside the window. Streching and feeling pretty good about his long night's rest, it suddenly occurred to him what time it was:
9am.

He rushed into the kitchen and screamed to the wife "WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME?!"
"I did." she replied, very calmly, without raising her head.

Muttering under his breath, he quickly showers and dresses. As he reaches for his watch on his nightstand, he sees a neatly written note:
'It's 4am. Wake up.'




what do you call a drive by by china?

a cap a chino!
:) very nice :)
Thank you.


"The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"


One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

[Virgil]

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

:D

[Shalot]

How do wolves eat?

They wolf it down. :cool:

[djy78usa]

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench; Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the three ladies. Ethel immediately has a stroke. Marge also has a stroke soon thereafter. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far...

[Virgil]

Life Explained


> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
> or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
> years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
> you a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed .
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
> family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
>
> But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
> the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
> enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
> support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
> entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
> front porch and bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.

[Tournesol]

Ok, I'm not sure if this one will qualify as a joke, a riddle, or food for thought...in any case - enjoy:


An average man and woman are sitting in an average diner, having an average meal. There is silence until the man speaks up.

"Why is it women always say to men, 'If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you'?"

The woman replied "because men should know."

"Know what?!" he asks perplexed.

She looks up and says, "if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."



[aside from the joke - what is it you think men should know?]

[pussnboots]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[Virgil]

I love these. :D I would love to have met Winston Churchill.

When Insults Had Class

(No 4-letter words!!) These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[sprinks]

Oh those are GREAT!! :lol:!! :D Classic!! :p

I'd love to witness an argument between all of those people. I'd pay to watch that!! :D

[Guinivere]

But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down.

Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabiata.
Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray.
Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?
Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?
Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the **** are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.
Canteen Worker: Well, you'll still need a tray.
Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, for which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.
Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on.
Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.
Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here.
Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star.
Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?
Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star!
Canteen Worker: This is a star?
Darth Vader: This is a ****ing star! I run it! I'm your boss.
Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?
Darth Vader: No, I'm … who is Mr. Stevens?
Canteen Worker: He's Head of Catering.
Darth Vader: I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.
Canteen Worker: Wha'?
Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I'll get a tray, **** it. This one's wet, and this one's wet and this one's wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is ****ing dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first!
Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … ooo, penne all'arrabiata. That'd be very nice.
Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?
Canteen Worker: That's Jeff Vader that is!
Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.
Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?
Darth Vader: No, Jeff … no, I run the Death Star.
Other guy: You Jeff Vader?
Darth Vader: No, I'm Darth Vader.
Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?
Darth Vader: I can't get his … no, I'm Jeff … all right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!
Other guy: Could I have your autograph?
Darth Vader: No, **** off or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all'arrabiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!
Canteen Worker: Do you want peas with that?
Darth Vader: Peas! You don't have peas! You can't put in right in … you can't put …it doesn't work with penne! Unless you push 'em up the penne tubes and then it'd be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in.

(eddie izzard as vader and so forth)

[Virgil]

Preacher's Son


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his
age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem
too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and
placed on his study table four objects.


1. A bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.


"I'l l just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself."When
he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.


If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle,
he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would
be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer."


The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.


The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked
over to inspect them.


Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold


"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna be a politician."

[Virgil]

Oh what has life become, has anyone really stopped to think about it?


NOAH


In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines
and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.


:D :D The sad thing is that it's all true. ;)

[Virgil]

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works."

[johann cruyff]

God created Man and Woman,and took a moment to marvel at his work. So he looks at Man for a few minutes and says:

- You turned out great,spot on perfect!

He then takes a moment to look at the Woman he created and goes:

- Ah,screw it,you're going to have to wear make-up!

[Scheherazade]

God created Man.

After taking a look at him for couple of minutes, he shook his head and said, "I can do better!"

And that is how Woman was created.

[johann cruyff]

God created Man.

After taking a look at him for couple of minutes, he shook his head and said, "I can do better!"

And that is how Woman was created.

Ha ha,touché! :)

[Virgil]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Ted,
> I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
> husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
> mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
> halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
> couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making
> mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been
> married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that
> he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue
> but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
> her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him
> and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But
> when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and
> admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
> I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
> months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
> worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
> has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
> anymore.
> Can you please help?
> Sincerely,
> Susie Fox
>
>
> Dear Susie,
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
> variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
> line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the
> inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
> problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
> delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .
> I hope this helps.
> Ted


:lol: :lol:

[Sunflower]

Life Explained


> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
> or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
> years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
> you a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed .
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
> family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
>
> But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
> the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
> enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
> support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
> entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
> front porch and bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.

:yawnb: :yawnb: :D :D

[pussnboots]

Dog Wars

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Belgian Tervuren comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Belgian says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine!"

[Taliesin]

Your mom is so fat that she is overweight!
Your mom is so fat that she died of a heart disease!
Your mom is so fat that she weighs 100 kilograms!

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Mary"
"Mary who?"
"Er, Mary, your neighbor, remember? I came to borrow some sugar"

"Knock- knock"
"Who's there?"
"The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital."


Why isn't aspirin sold in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.

[motherhubbard]

someone sent this to my husband. it's a little off color


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say... One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

[Virgil]

someone sent this to my husband. it's a little off color


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say... One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

:lol: I've seen that before, but it's a good one.

[aBIGsheep]

How do you make an Asian blind? Make him laugh.
How do you make an Asian blind? Cover his eyes with dental floss.
How do you make an Asian blind? Gouge his eyes out.

I'm the only Asian kid in the whole school to fail math. The eight kids sitting around me failed too.

[Guinivere]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: 42

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

[ClaesGefvenberg]

Time for a silly old joke?

Two pieces of string decided to go to the pub for a beer or two. Said and done, but when they got there, the gaffer asked them: - Excuse me gentlemen, but are you a pair of strings? When they said they were he told them: - I'm sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here.

Being unable to persuade him they went for the door where they met a fellow string, and told him about the problem. The newcomer just laughed it off and said: - No fear, he'll serve me. Then he frayed his hair, and went on to tie himself into a knot, before proceeding to the bar.

As expected the gaffer asked: - Excuse me sir, but are you a piece of string?
The string replied: Nope, I am a frayed knot...

/Claes :D

[Virgil]

Outhouse
> >
>
> Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm.
>
> Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
>
> Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
>
>
>
> So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
>
> The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.."
>
> Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
>
> He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
>
> All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
>
>
>
> Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.
>
> BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.
>
> WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
>
>
> Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"
>
>
> As she pulls up her panties she says...
> "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

[papayahed]

Where do smart hot dogs end up?









On honor rolls.

[Midnight_Star]

three Girls were stuck on a island, a black, bernet, and a blond.

the black haed said. "It looks like theres a city about twenty miles from her, I'm going to try to see if I can swim ther." She went in the water, after 5 miles she drowed.

Then the bernet said." I wonder if she got there I'd better see if I can swimm out." So she swam 15 miles and drowed.

Then the blond said. " I wonder if they made it? I'd better go swim and see." So the blond went out to swim and after 19 miles she said. " Boy am I tired." So she swam back.

(Now I mean no afence to blonds cause I have blond hair.)

[TheInsomniac]

A joke you want?

Feminism

[ClaesGefvenberg]

There was this funeral... The deceased had been known, or perhaps infamous for her fiery temperament all her life, but no more...

When the service was over, a tremendous thunderstorm broke out. There was thunder and lightning all over the place. Her husband peered upwards, and for the first and last time ever got the last word: - I can hear that she has arrived now...

[papayahed]

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta?






Communist manipesto.

[Nightshade]

:lol: that is such a bad joke

[mercy_mankind]

Life Explained


> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
> or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
> years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
> you a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed .
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
> family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
>
> But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
> the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
> enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
> support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
> entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
> front porch and bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.

Is this joke exist already in the Bible?! Or it's a prediction of someone's mind?

[Virgil]

Is this joke exist already in the Bible?! Or it's a prediction of someone's mind?

No Mercy that's only a joke. It's not anywhere.

Blonde Male Joke



> >> The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait
!!!!
> >>
> >> An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on
> >> scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
> >>
> >> They were eating
> >> lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned
> >> beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this
> >> building."
> >>
> >> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get
> >> burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
> >>
> >> The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
> >> bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
> >>
> >> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and
> >> cabbage, and jumped to his death.
> >>
> >> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
> >>
> >> The blonde guy opened
> >> his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
> >>
> >> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd
known
> >> how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have
> >> given it to him again!"
> >>
> >> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or
> >> enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
> >>
> >> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,
> >>
> >> "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

[maraki16]

virgil that was really funny!!!

[optimisticnad]

Ok, I can do this. I can. A joke....mmm....ok here goes - this is the only one I know which isn't 'dirty'

A man whose wife dies and who goes to the stone mason to get a headstone prepared for the burial.

"Just put SHE WAS THINE." the man said.
"Right," says the mason. "Come back tomorrow."
He comes back. But the mason has got it wrong. He put "SHE WAS THIN".
"You bloody fool!" says the man. "You've missed out the 'e'!"
"Oh, aye, right," says the man. "Come back tomorrow."
He comes back. The mason has changed it. It now reads: "EEE, SHE WAS THIN!"

HEY, you said a joke, you didn't say a good joke!

[djy78usa]

Q - Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast?



A - Because one egg is 'un oeuf'.

[Virgil]

A bunch of Little Johnny jokes. :D


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

[Taliesin]

http://www.eatliver.com/img/2008/3677.jpg

[mmaria]

Phone rings and a man says: "Hello."
A voice from the other side says: "May I speak to John, please?"
The man answeres: "Sorry, there is no John here, wrong number."
After one hour phone rings again and the man answers: "Hello."
The same voice as before asks: "May I speak to Joh, please?"
The man syas: "Sorry, wrong number again."
After one hour phone rings again and the same covnersation goes like before. The same conversation goes on and on all day long.
The man who was answering the phone almost got a nervous break down. Late in the night the phone rings and wakes the man up, he picks up the receiver and yells: "Hello!" The same voice says: "Hello, this is John speaking, has anybody asked for me by phone today?"

[mercy_mankind]

Phone rings and a man says: "Hello."
A voice from the other side says: "May I speak to John, please?"
The man answeres: "Sorry, there is no John here, wrong number."
After one hour phone rings again and the man answers: "Hello."
The same voice as before asks: "May I speak to Joh, please?"
The man syas: "Sorry, wrong number again."
After one hour phone rings again and the same covnersation goes like before. The same conversation goes on and on all day long.
The man who was answering the phone almost got a nervous break down. Late in the night the phone rings and wakes the man up, he picks up the receiver and yells: "Hello!" The same voice says: "Hello, this is John speaking, has anybody asked for me by phone today?"

That's funny :)
Thanks.

[cipherdecoy]

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."

Ganked from comedycentral.com :D

[Emil Miller]

This is an actual letter to a Readers' Help column in a small town newspaper somewhere in the US:

Dear Sir,

My hobby is balistics and for some time I have been trying to get together enough parts to build a heat-seeking 'Sidewinder' missile. By using various internet sites I was finally able to obtain all that was needed to build the 'Sidewinder' and I asked a friend who had a farm with a derelict metal barn if I could fire the missile and try to destroy the barn. He agreed and so early one morning I drove out to the farm with the missile, set it up, and launched it. The barn was cold but unfortunately the engine in my car was still warm. The insurance company is refusing to pay out. Do you think I should get a lawyer ?


Answer: No, you should get a psychiatrist.

[weltanschauung]

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c224/facist_jockitch/cmx/bombsquad1larson1.jpg

[imthefoolonthehill]

The old, really lame joke is:

Why is six afraid of seven?
because seven eight nine.


most people I know have heard this one, so I like to ask them, "Why is six afraid of seven"

and when they are about to answer with the punchline, I scream really loudly to scare them. I take inordinate amounts of pleasure in doing this.

[Virgil]

This is an actual letter to a Readers' Help column in a small town newspaper somewhere in the US:

Dear Sir,

My hobby is balistics and for some time I have been trying to get together enough parts to build a heat-seeking 'Sidewinder' missile. By using various internet sites I was finally able to obtain all that was needed to build the 'Sidewinder' and I asked a friend who had a farm with a derelict metal barn if I could fire the missile and try to destroy the barn. He agreed and so early one morning I drove out to the farm with the missile, set it up, and launched it. The barn was cold but unfortunately the engine in my car was still warm. The insurance company is refusing to pay out. Do you think I should get a lawyer ?


Answer: No, you should get a psychiatrist.
Hey I wrote that letter. Don't make fun of my hobbies. :p


The old, really lame joke is:

Why is six afraid of seven?
because seven eight nine.


most people I know have heard this one, so I like to ask them, "Why is six afraid of seven"

and when they are about to answer with the punchline, I scream really loudly to scare them. I take inordinate amounts of pleasure in doing this.
You sound like a real fool on the hill. :p

[ClaesGefvenberg]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback" line and we think he'll win.

[Virgil]

Great one Claes!! :lol:

[Joreads]

I am an accountant so this is allowed

What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."

"How did you get such exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."


Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work

[weltanschauung]

http://talkingtails.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/pi-vs.-i.gif
http://l.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/78.gif

[Virgil]

I can see this happening to me one day. :D



A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

S he finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease?"



it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.

'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'

The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too.'

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[ClaesGefvenberg]

I just remembered this one:

Borrowed from MODF at Military.com

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.

His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have.

The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.

Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming chan ged intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand .. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.

Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

/Claes

[laidbackperson]

King’s friend would always tell that his laundryman resembled the king greatly in looks. So one day the King summoned the friend’s laundryman, and as he looked at the man, he too found the resemblance quite disturbing.
Still, not doubting his royal lineage, the pompous King asked the laundryman, ‘Man, did your mother ever worked as a housemaid in our Palace a long time ago’,
‘No, the laundryman said with a sly smile,’ But dad used to boast that he frequented the Palace as the favorite laundryman of the queens there’

[pussnboots]

You have to love kids for this one:

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

[*Classic*Charm*]

Super lame science geeks such as myself will hopefully enjoy this...

How many moles are in guacamole?

Avocado's Number!

tee hee

[Virgil]

Super lame science geeks such as myself will hopefully enjoy this...

How many moles are in guacamole?

Avocado's Number!

tee hee

Oh Classic, that was so bad it was funny. :)

[jekan blazer]

inspired by april fools day...
all you do is tell jokes, tell jokes, laugh, tell jokes, and repeat...
just one rule.... put "ba-dum-bum chh!" after each joke if you would...
enjoy!!!

[jekan blazer]

3 guys walk into a bar... you figure the third one would duck...
ba-dum-bum chh!

[LadyW]

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.

"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom." All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

[jekan blazer]

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.

"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom." All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

i dont get it...

[LadyW]

i dont get it...

Haha, it's a "mistake" the Monks have made for years (according to the joke)... they don't have to be celibate, they have to "Celebrate."

[jekan blazer]

a blonde walks into an store and asks the clerk at the counter, "how much for this tv?"


the clerk says, "we dont sell to blondes..."

the blonde says, "fine..." and walks out.

the next day she walks in as a brunette, (she has a wig on...) and asks the clerk at the counter, "how much for this tv?"


the clerk says, "we dont sell to blondes..."


the blonde says, "fine..." and walks out.


the next day she walks in as a red-head and asks the clerk at the counter, "how much for this tv?"


again the clerk says, "we dont sell to blondes..."


the blonde says, "fine..." and starts to walk out, but stops and turns around.


she asks, wait i came in as a brunette and a red-head... how did you know i was a blonde?"


the clerk says, "thats not a tv... its a microwave oven..."



ba-dum-bum chh!


Haha, it's a "mistake" the Monks have made for years (according to the joke)... they don't have to be celibate, they have to "Celebrate."

oh ok... thats funny!!!