Tell Me A Joke

[Sapphire]

Poor blondes, they always need to take the heat :p

How about another "misunderstanding" joke? It even has books in it :)

Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell “tequila”.
“T-e-q-u-i-l-a,” spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went
back to his search.
A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. “I just can’t find it,” he said.
“What book are you looking for?” the librarian asked.
Replied Little Johnny, “Tequila Mockingbird.”

ba-dum-bum chh!

[jekan blazer]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
ba-dum-bum chh!

[jekan blazer]

Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?!” “Whoa! Don’t yell!” the blonde on the ladder explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blonde’s get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

ba-dum-bum chh!

[LadyW]

:lol:

I love that last one Jekan. (The blonde joke.)

There were 3 nuns in the church - 2 were crying, 1 was laughing. The priest comes up to a crying nun and says "Why are you crying?" The nun replied, "I killed someone..." The priest tells her to go and drink from the holy water. Then, he goes up to the 2nd crying nun and asks her "Why are u crying?" She replies "I stole a car..." So he tells her to drink from the holy water along with the first. He then goes to the laughing nun and asks why she's laughing. She says, "I peed in the holy water."

[Sapphire]

That blind guy can not have lived long...

How about this smart duck? :p

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
Bartender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time
Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says no.
Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

ba-dum-bum chh!

[jekan blazer]

haha!!!

here is another misunderstanding joke...

A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

“Ma’am,” the officer began. “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer,” the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. “Why, what seems to be the problem?”

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, “What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?”

“Oh sure,” the old lady returned, “That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow it’s instruction.”

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

“Just what sign are you talking about, Ma’am?” he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, “Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead’, of course!”

ba-dum-bum chh!

[Sapphire]

:lol: Oops :D Here's another one:

There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph.

She said ''I know, isn''t that the speed limit? The officer said, ''No, this is interstate 22''.

The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains,

''No, we just left interstate 119.''

ba-dum-bum chh!

[laidbackperson]

I hope at least some one will laugh:

1st Man: Hey, what are you upto?
2nd Man: I am climbing up this tree to enjoy mangoes.
1st Man: But this is an apple tree.
2nd Man: So what? I am carrying mangoes up.

[Don Quixote Jr]

Tell me a joke

Here is one from the late, great Henny Youngman:
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm

[timothi13]

A man walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He looks her square in the eye and states "This is a F___K-UP!" The teller responds, "Don't you mean a stick-up?" He replies, "No I forgot my gun!":)

[imthefoolonthehill]

This one I got off a video game

One atom says to another, "I think I lost an electron!"
The other atom says, "are you sure?"
The first one replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

[laidbackperson]

The man after his death was being taken around the Hell, to see the various types of punishments that were given there.
In one cell, persons were hanging upside down from the roof for whole day, in another persons were being belted by a salted lash, yet in another persons were being fried in boiling oil and so on.
The man shuddered as he viewed one punishment more gory than the pervious one.
Then in one cell he saw, the beautiful Marlyn Monroe dancing with an old man.
The man’s eye gleamed and he pleaded to the Hell’s attendant to let him have the punishment of the old man.

The attendant drawled: “ Man, this is not the punishment of the old man, who is Gandhi. This is the Hell’s punishment for sexy siren Maryln Monroe who is being made to dance with a no-to-sex-guy like Gandhi.”

[LostPrincess13]

I, too, got this from an online game:

Do you know what Mozart is doing right now?
He's de-composing!

:lol:

[imthefoolonthehill]

I convinced two sorority girls of the truth of the following joke, which I also got from Fallout 3:

"I once knew of a crematorium which gave discounts for burn victims"

[BienvenuJDC]

A horse walks into a bar...the bartender says, "So...why the long face?"

[jekan blazer]

2 men are in a bar on the 50th floor of a fancy hotel...


without warning, man #1 jumps out of a window.....





...only to land right back on the ledge of the window he jumped out of two minutes later!!!

man #2 says, " what the hell?!?!?!? how the f*** did you do that?!?!"

man #1 got all scientific about aerodynamics....

man #2 says, "your full of $h!t!!!"

man #1 said, "fine... you dont believe me? try it..."

being drunk and all.... man #2 listens and jumps...


only to hit the sidewalk at full speed....


man #1 said "lummox.... oy! gimme another beer!"

the bartender shook his head and stated, "Superman... you can be a real a$$hole when you're drunk..."

Superman only grunted....

[laidbackperson]

Four men were chatting in the train:

1st Man: I am a Brigadier. I am married. I have three sons. All of them are laywers.

2nd Man: Strange. I too am Brigadier. I too am married. I too have three sons. But all of them are Engineers.

3rd Man: Very strange. I too am Brigadier. I too am married. I too have three sons. But all of them are Doctors.

The 4th man was squirming uneasily. But on the persuasion of other three persons, he said: See, I am not a Brigadier. I am not even married. But I have three sons, and all of them are Brigadiers.

[laidbackperson]

Two new Ghosts were talking after their deaths as human beings.

First Ghost: How did you die?

Second Ghost: I died of extreme cold. And how did you die?

First Ghost: I died of shame. I felt so ashamed of myself that I killed myself with a gun.

Second Ghost: Will you explain in detail.

First Ghost: Well, I was suspicious that my wife is having an illicit affair. So one day I hid behind my house. Sometime later, I heard the voices of my wife and a man. So I rushed to the front door and banged it hard to be opened. My wife opened it shortly. I rushed inside and checked thorughly the whole house for two hours. But I could not find anyone. My wife was giving me strange looks, and suddenly I felt such shame that I put my gun in my head and Bang...

Second Ghost: You fool!... If only you had the sense to look inside the refrigerator, we both would have been alive today.

[Delta40]

A rabbit hops into a bar and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'

the barman gets him the toastie, the rabbit pays for it, munches it down and hops out.

the next day, the same rabbit hops back in and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'

the barman grunts but gets him the toastie and the rabbit pays, eats and hops out.

This happens every day for a week where the rabbit orders a cheese toastie.

On the eighth day the rabbit comes in and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'

The barman replies 'We're out of cheese. We've only got bacon today'

the rabbit isn't fazed and hops up and down happily 'I'll have a bacon toastie then'

The barman gives him a bacon toastie where the rabbit pays and eats it then suddenly turns blue and drops dead at the bar.

The barman calls the vet who does a quick autopsy.

'what did he die of doc?' asks the barman as the vet solemnly shakes his head

Mixamatoasties

[Virgil]

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:



1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
&
beer

[1n50mn14]

^__^! I always bring food and beer and may or may not end up naked eventually :lol: I've got it covered.

[Virgil]

^__^! I always bring food and beer and may or may not end up naked eventually :lol: I've got it covered.

:lol: OK. :D

[mmaria]

A Marriage Advertisment

I am ugly, old, financially broken, I would marry a woman with the opposite properties.

[JuniperWoolf]

Q. What is an insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
A. Someone who stays up all night and wonders if there is a dog.

[prendrelemick]

I am an accountant so this is allowed

What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."

"How did you get such exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."


Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work


Told to me by an accountant, so this is allowed too.

How do accountants relieve constipation?
.
.
.
.
.
They work it out with a pencil.

(sorry)

[laidbackperson]

Although I am a big admirer of Mahatma Gandhi, I could not help but laugh remembering the following joke cracked by a student onstage during our annual college festival.

Question: What was common between Gandhi and bra?
Answer: They both helped for the upliftment of downtrodden masses.

[2ndblogger]

I will start! :lol::lol:

My favorite quote:

"Don't judge a Book if you are not a Judge"

More Jokes!!

TEACHER: Who is your favorite author?
PUPIL: George Washington.
TEACHER: But George Washington never wrote any books.
PUPIL: You got it.

LIBRARIAN: Why don't you take home a Dr. Seuss?
PUPIL: I didn't know he made house calls.

TEACHER: How many books did you finish over the summer?
PUPIL: None. My brother stole my box of crayons.

TEACHER: How many books have you read in your lifetime?
PUPIL: I don't know. I'm not dead yet.

TEACHER: What did you learn from your history book about Harriet Beecher Stowe?
PUPIL: If you draw a beard and a stovepipe hat on her, she looks exactly like Abraham Lincoln.

TEACHER: What does your history book tell you about the Civil War?
PUPIL: It doesn't tell me anything. I have to read the dumb thing.

My father gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank him.

If you don't know what the word "dictionary" means,
where would you look it up?

TEACHER: Why are you holding your textbook up to the window?
PUPIL: You told me to open it up to the Middle East.

TEACHER: Where is South America?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Where is Greenland?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Where is Bulgaria?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Look them up in your textbook.
PUPIL: I don't know where that is, either.


Laugh on!! :nod::nod:http://smileys884.notlong.com

[DanielBenoit]

Here's one that probably only philosophy reades will get, but anyway:

Descartes walks into a bar
He orders a drink
He gulps it down
The bartender asks 'would you like another'
He says 'I think not'
And poof he disappeared.


Probably been told a hundred times :lol:

[Virgil]

Just came across this one. Just too good not to post,

The Older Woman

'I ended up with an older woman at a club last
night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she
asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was
'my lucky night'.

She asked me back to her place. When we got there
she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake?'

[Maryd.]

:lol::lol:Hey Virg, loved this one... You have me rolling over in fits.:lol::lol:

[papayahed]

Who is the largest Sir?

Sir Cumfrence, because he has all the pie.

[Virgil]

:lol::lol:Hey Virg, loved this one... You have me rolling over in fits.:lol::lol:

Glad you liked it Mary. It had me laughing out loud when i saw it. :lol:

[Captain Pike]

Just came across this one. Just too good not to post,

The Older Woman

'I ended up with an older woman at a club last
night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she
asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was
'my lucky night'.

She asked me back to her place. When we got there
she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake?'

Toward the end, I saw this one coming, but it was hilarious,:lol: -- P.

[laidbackperson]

Well, I made this up hearing another joke of similar kind. It is just for laughs and hope it remains just that way. You may edit the joke and punch line because it has not still come out nicely.
================================================== ===============================

When Tim visited Jim, he saw a big strange bird in his garden. On a closer look, he found it was a young healthy rooster that has grown up to the size of ostrich.

Tim: Hey, from where did you get it?
Jim (pointing to an old non-descript lamp): Oh! It is courtesy of the Genie from this lamp.

On further query, Jim explained: Well, this is a magic lamp. If a person polishes it, a Genie comes out from this lamp and fulfills the first wish of that person. I have got this bird as fulfillment of my wish

As Jim’s wish was already fulfilled, Tim excitedly takes the lamp from Jim and rushes back to his home.

He closes all doors and windows of his house and draws in all curtains on the windows. He switches on music in low volume, and then in the semi darkened room, rubs the lamp with his finest cloth. There is a big sound and a big Genie stands bowing before him, requesting him to make a wish.

‘Give me two sexy sirens, one dark and the other one fair’

Again there is a big sound in the room and room is instantaneously filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, Tim sees in the center of the room, two statues of beautiful, shapely women, both fully naked, one dark and the other one fair. He presses the nipple of one of the statue beneath which was engraved-Press Me.

A loud and long siren suddenly rings out from the mouth of that statue.

Aghast, cheated, feeling like a person who has missed a million dollar opportunity just by a whisker, he trudges back to his friend’s house.

Jim was in his garden, feeding his big rooster.

Hearing Tim’s story, he sighed and said , ‘ Actually, you went from here in a tearing hurry without fully listening to me. I was trying to warn you that the Genie of this lamp has a very limited knowledge of English and you have to be very careful with your words.’

Pointing to his bird, he added ruefully,’ Do you think I really wanted this, when I asked Genie to give me a very big and strong c***.

[Olga4real]

I was thinking how nice it is to talk to intelligent people, like all people on this site. I am sure that most of you have a good sense of humour.
Plus every culture has it's special unique humour. So I would like to invite all of you to post some jokes or funny stories, which happened to you.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

I don't know any tasteful jokes.

[Olga4real]

I don't know any tasteful jokes.

Tell a tasteless in other words :lol:

[Emil Miller]

I quite like this one.

The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
A. How much did you make last year?
B. How much do you have left?
C. Send B.

Here's another:

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

[keilj]

saw a pretty funny one on a bumper sticker:


"Encyclopedia for sale. Wife knows everything"

[JuniperWoolf]

The bartender says "we don't serve time travellers here." A time traveller walks into a bar.

[Paulclem]

Two yoghurts were arrested for fighting yesterday.

They were charged with fromage affray.

[billl]

A sailor gets shipwrecked, and the only other survivor from the luxury cruise is Megan Fox. They have some food and various containers of various supplies, and are doing OK. They get to know each other pretty well after a week or so. Very well indeed.... Very VERY well...

Then, one night, the sailor begins to make some unusual requests just as the sun is going down, and they're settling in for another campfire on the beach.

"Megan," he says, "would you mind wearing this sailor's uniform that I found in a crate?" He offers her a uniform, exactly like the one he's been wearing all week.

"Sure!" she says. "Why not, we're going to have to make do, after all, and I don't have much of my own." She puts on the uniform, slowly, sensually, letting him enjoy her journey through levels of undress along the way.

"Great!" he says, "Fantastic.... And, um, could I maybe get you to wear this sailor's cap?"

"Uh, sure," she says. "If you want. It's cute, I guess."

"Perfect!" he says! She senses something is odd. He is really beaming at her, now. He goes on:

"Megan, um, would it be all right if I called you Steve, in-instead of Megan?"

Megan looked at him, and her jaw dropped. This was pretty weird... She wasn't too excited about it--but then again, she understood that they might be together for a while on this island, and maybe variety is the spice of life... but still, it wasn't what she... oh, what the heck--

"Sure," she finally agreed, "You can call me Steve."

The sailor's eyes widened impressively and he erupted in ecstasy: "Steve, man! You'll never believe who I'm f***ing!!!"

[prendrelemick]

The bartender says "we don't serve time travellers here." A time traveller walks into a bar.


:lol::lol::lol:

[billl]

Hey, Mick--get a load of Juniper's joke!

[Olga4real]

Thank you for jokes Brian Bean, your both jokes made me laugh!
I also liked joke about wife, who knows everything, posted by keilj.
JuniperWoolf thank you for time traveller.
Paulclem I laughed imagining your fighting yoghurts.
Thank you Billl for your sailor joke I liked it!

Here is mine, I heard it today and I hope I translated it correctly.

An ancient Roman coin was found with the following date on it '612 BC '

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

The bartender says "we don't serve time travellers here." A time traveller walks into a bar.

I had to read this a few times before I got it, lol.

Mines's a tasteless, cruel joke, and it's one of my favorites:



What did the blind, deaf, and dumb kid get for Christmas? Cancer.

[prendrelemick]

Hey, Mick--get a load of Juniper's joke!


So, it was you!

[Delta40]

A guy goes to his doctor and says 'doctor, doctor, half the time I think I'm a wig-wam and the rest of the time I think I'm a teepee. Does that mean I'm crazy?'

'No' replied the doctor 'You're just too tents'

[Paulclem]

Hey, Mick--get a load of Juniper's joke!

:lol:

[Paulclem]

A mouse and an elephant are walking in the jungle. The elephant is showing off as usual, ripping up whole trees and smashing his way through the thickets.

Anyway, as they're drinking at a small tree, the elephant becomes thoughtful. "Hey mouse!" he says. "How come I can rip up trees and smash through thickets with my huge bulk and mighty strength, and you're so little, weak and puny?"

The mouse finishes his drink, wipes his mouth and turns square on to the towering elephant. "Well," he says, "I've not been feeling too well lately..."

[Big Dante]

What did the blind, deaf, and dumb kid get for Christmas? Cancer.

Hahaha I shouldn't laugh but :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Olga4real]

I found this article today and would like to share it with you.
Don't become old!
'Scientists from the University of Glamorgan found that the desire to joke, laugh and have fun is lost when a person turns 52 years old.

As reported The Daily Telegraph , in the course of a study on humor, the experts found that the ability to smile, look at the world around us depends on the age.

According to researchers, the British children laugh 300 times a day, while teenagers under 19 years of laughing at most six times a day. After 20 years on average, Britons laugh four times during the day.

However, by 30 years the British sense of humor is a little rise, and they start having fun on five times a day. This indicator is linked to the fact that at this age, most people in Britain have children, which help to restore a sense of humor.

Nevertheless, after 40 years of British laughs and jokes are less and less. Most of them become quarrelsome, restless and irritable (revealed that men older than 60 years on average four times quarrelsome his contemporaries). Older Britons spend 1-hour and 41 minutes a day, worrying about their savings and health, and forget about the jokes and fun.

Earlier, the scientists found
that is easiest to remember the trite and predictable jokes, while funny as most are based on non-conventional contradictions, which makes them difficult to remember.

[Disagree]

So, a duck walks into a drugstore and says "give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill".

[Paulclem]

What's long, brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Revolte]

You're all about to get pwnd:

Q: What do flowers and the letter A have in common?







A: Bees come after them!

[MystyrMystyry]

What's the difference between a dozen eggs and a herd of hippopotamuses?

Give up?

That's the last time I send you to the shop...

[MarkBastable]

Bloke goes into a pub with a dog. He says to the barman, "I'll have a pint of bitter and..." He turns to the dog. "...what are you having?"

"I'll have a Guinness," says the dog.

The bloke pays for the round and they drink in silence.

When their glasses are empty, the bloke says to the barman, "Same again for me and..."

"Yeah - another Guinness, thanks," says the dog.

The bloke hands over a tenner and they drink in silence.

As they're getting to the bottom of the glasses, the bloke says to the dog, "Fancy one for the road?"

"Don't mind if I do," says the dog.

"Here," says the bloke, handing the dog a twenty, "you get them in while I go for a pee."

When the bloke gets back from the Gents, there's no sign at all of the dog.

"Where's the dog?" he asks the barman.

"I dunno - soon as you went into the loo, he was through the door like a shot."

The bloke rushes out to the street, looking left and right, but the dog is nowhere to be seen. Then the bloke hears amorous doggy noises coming from the alley at the side of the pub. He takes a few steps and peers round the corner, and he sees the dog, tongue lolling, giving the good news to a poodle in a pink collar.

"Rover!" says the bloke, shocked.

The dog doesn't break rhythm as he looks over his shoulder at his owner.

"Oh, hi. Hang on a minute."

"I'm - well - I'm disappointed," the bloke says. "You don't usually do this sort of thing."

The dog shrugs. "Don't usually have the bloody money, do I?"

[Paulclem]

What period of British History do dogs like best?

The Chewders

[howtowriteabook]

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said

"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

[MarkBastable]

"Call this little ol' patch of scrub a farm? Back in Texas, I can get in the car and drive all day and still be on my own ranch."

"Aye - I used to have a car like that."

[prendrelemick]

Alex Fergusson is worried that Manchester United aren't going to win the championship. So he gathers all his talent scouts and tells them to go out and find the best player in the world. "I don't care where he's from or who he is, I want the best footballer in the world, money no object."

So the scouts set out across Continents and over Oceans to the four corners of the World. A week goes by, no news. Two weeks, still no news. Then at the end of the third week the phone rings, "Boss, boss I've found him" said a crackley voice, "the best footballer in the world" Where? said Alex. "In a war zone in Afghanistan," said the scout, " a fifteen year old lad called Rashid." "Sign him, give him whatever he wants and bring him over." said Alex.

Its the last game of the season, Man U are playing Arsenal for the championship. Young Rashid beats four defenders and scores the winning goal, completeing his hatrick. He is carried from the field amidst cheering fans on the shoulders of Giggsey and Alex Fergusson himself.

Later he phones his parents to tell them of his great day. "Dad, dad I scored the winning goal and got a hatrick I'm the hero of Manchester." "Thats nice son," said his father. "We've had a terrible day, your mother was taken ill, we couldn't get a doctor, and the hospitals are full, your brother was shot at on the way to market, and your sister's school has been burned to the ground. You know son, sometimes I wish you'd never brought us to Manchester!

[Emil Miller]

Alex Fergusson is worried that Manchester United aren't going to win the championship. So he gathers all his talent scouts and tells them to go out and find the best player in the world. "I don't care where he's from or who he is, I want the best footballer in the world, money no object."

So the scouts set out across Continents and over Oceans to the four corners of the World. A week goes by, no news. Two weeks, still no news. Then at the end of the third week the phone rings, "Boss, boss I've found him" said a crackley voice, "the best footballer in the world" Where? said Alex. "In a war zone in Afghanistan," said the scout, " a fifteen year old lad called Rashid." "Sign him, give him whatever he wants and bring him over." said Alex.

Its the last game of the season, Man U are playing Arsenal for the championship. Young Rashid beats four defenders and scores the winning goal, completeing his hatrick. He is carried from the field amidst cheering fans on the shoulders of Giggsey and Alex Fergusson himself.

Later he phones his parents to tell them of his great day. "Dad, dad I scored the winning goal and got a hatrick I'm the hero of Manchester." "Thats nice son," said his father. "We've had a terrible day, your mother was taken ill, we couldn't get a doctor, and the hospitals are full, your brother was shot at on the way to market, and your sister's school has been burned to the ground. You know son, sometimes I wish you'd never brought us to Manchester!

:lol: Many a true word spoken in jest.

[Paulclem]

Good job he wasn't playing for Hull! (See Cold Ale Thread)

[Paulclem]

What kind of engagements do meditators like?

Navel.

[papayahed]

Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!

[MystyrMystyry]

Classic jokes!


Knock! Knock!

Who dere?

Euripides

Euripides who?

Euripides trousers, Eumenides trousers


and


Aristiotle said 'to do is to be'

Socrates said 'to be is to do'

Frank Sinatra said 'Doo bee doo bee doo bee doo'

[Emil Miller]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Olga4real]

You made me laugh prendrelemick, Emil Miller, Paulclem, papayahed and MystyrMystyry! Thank you very much! This is my favourite thread.

[Emil Miller]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"

The bartender replies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks" Eileen who?

[Emil Miller]

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see someone coming up to the bar and he says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" The guy says "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny?"

[Three Sparrows]

Here's one for the guys. :)


At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[Calidore]

I was lying in bed with my girlfriend and she says, "Let me ask you something."

I said, "What?"

She said, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Forget it then."

-- Steven Wright

[Big Dante]

Here's one for the guys. :)


At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Hahaha very nice.


I was lying in bed with my girlfriend and she says, "Let me ask you something."

I said, "What?"

She said, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Forget it then."

-- Steven Wright

That's kind of worrying haha.

[MystyrMystyry]

Mr Dimnut walked into his local branch and ordered a slice of pizza with a hair on it

'A hair?' inquired the curious chef incredulously

'Yes' said Mr Dimnut 'A long one - the longer the better'

'Why do you want a hair on your pizza slice?'

'Because every time I haven't asked for one you've managed to slip one on anyway'

[prendrelemick]

What kind of tree is The Tree Of Life?






















Life's a beech.

[Emil Miller]

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!"

[prendrelemick]

Quote accredited to the Prime Minister of New Zealand, when asked to comment on the high numbers of people emigrating to Australia:


"They'll be increasing the average IQ of both Countries"

[faithosaurus]

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."

I just started reading this thread, and I just love this one. Chemistry jokes are fun :)

[MystyrMystyry]

Chemistry Jokes
(No Reaction)


A chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the Periodic Table of the Elements. She said "Why when I was your age I knew both their names and weights." One kid popped up, "Yeah, but teach, there were so few of them back then."



(A man and a woman are sitting at a bar. One has a shirt saying 'Polar', the other, 'Non-polar.') Man: Sorry, I just don't think the chemistry is right.



A mole of moles would collapse under its own weight and become a black mole.



A mordant thought: Old color chemists never dye, they just fade away



A small furry mammal walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, our maximum occupancy is only 6.00 x 1023. We can't serve a mole."



Another example is the name for a molecule that is not ionized. Is "unionized" a synonym for neutral? (No, it means they will stop carrying a charge until they get more money.)



Chemistry is really funny; there are even people who laugh at nitrogen(I) oxide (nitrous oxide).



Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.



Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory? His business went insolvent.



Distilled waters run the deepest.



Every dipole has its moment.



Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.



Got mole problems? Call Avogadro at 602-1023.



H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? Drinking.



Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down?



How about the chemical workers — are they unionized?



How do you make a 24-molar solution? Put you artificial teeth in water.



How many atoms in a guacamole? Avocado's number.



How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he'll change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.



How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker? None. That's what organic chemists are for!



I was helping out in a first year undergraduate practical class when I came across a girl who was washing Potassium Bromide plates under the tap. I said to her, "I hope you are not washing those plates under the tap!" She replied, "No, I'm using distilled water."



If a bear in Yosemite and one in Alaska both fall into the water, which one dissolves faster? The one in Alaska, because it is polar.



If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.



Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the following words: mole, unionized. As he so eloquently put it, "If he starts talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking."



It takes alkynes to make a world. (ACS Bumper Sticker)



It's good to keep a positive attitude and not have an electron cloud hanging over your head.



Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!



Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. (Mike Adams)



Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logarithm is linear with 1/T. (D.L. Bunker)



Subatomic particle store sign:
Protons $1
Electrons -$1
Neutrons no charge


T.A.B.L.E. = Periodic Table



"Take plenty of the dark purple solution", Tom offered, managnimously.
"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.
"Scale keeps forming inside the kettle", complained Tom, recalcitrantly.



The compound HArF was recently reported. Why not make it with boron? (BArF)



The silicon put his neon the window ledge, climbed out and then krypton along the wall to meet his buddy. I hope the guard cesium before they argon!



These puns get boron real soon. We could branch out into minerals, of quartz. On second thought, how about a Heavy Metal thread? Discuss Van Helium, or some other (absorption) band. O dear, I believe I've lead you on.



Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"



Two chemists meet for the first time at a symposium. One is American, one is British. The British chemists asks the American chemist, "So what do you do for research?" The American responds, "Oh, I work with arsoles." The Brit responds, "Yes, sometimes my colleagues get on my nerves also."



What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees."



What do you get if you have Avogadro's number of donkeys? Molasses (a mole of asses).



What do you get if you react Calcium with Nitric Acid? Sodium Carbonate and Hydrogen:
2Ca + 2HNO3 —> 2NaCO3 + H2
Check to see if it balances.



What do you get when you cross buckminsterfullerene, helicase, and ATP? Screwballs.



What is a cation afraid of? A dogion!



What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.



What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? Methylated Spirits.



What substance has the formula HIJKLMNO? Water.



Why did the employer force his employees to walk between high-voltage plates before entering the work place? Because he didn't want any unionized workers. [Am I missing something? Won't he get only unionized workers? The ionized workers will be sidelined, and presumably discharged.]



Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They're cheaper than day rates.



Why do white bears dissolve in water? Because they're polar.



Why does formic acid neutralize all other acids? Because it's an ant-acid! [Formic acid is the venom in red ant stings.]



Why does hamburger have less energy than steak? It’s in the ground state.





Daffy Definitions 1

Activation Energy, n. The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.



Additive, n. A chemical maliciously added to an otherwise natural product. (See Pure)



Atomic Theory, n. A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.



Bunsen Burner, n. A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.



Butyl, n. An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol.



CAI (acronym for Computer-Aided Instruction), n. The modern system of training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated research.



Cancer, n. Terminal disease brought on by chemicals.



Chemical Engineering, n. The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun. (Compare Prostitution).



Chemical, n. A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor; 2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line; 4) a biochemist turns into a helix; 5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.



Chemical, n. Synthetic substance that is bad for you or the environment.



Chemicals, n. Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.



Chromatography, n. (From Gr. chromo "color" + graphos "writing") The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.



Clinical Testing, n. The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also Pharmacology, Toxicology)



Compound, n. To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration of two or more elements.



Computer Resources, n. The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released.



Detergents, n. What women do when telling a guy to take a hike.



Diglyceride, n. What you scream when you're trying to kill a glyceride.



Distillation, n. The scum also rises.



Drug, n. 1) A chemical with redeeming features. 2) A chemical with no redeeming features.



Eigen Function, n. The use to which an eigen is put.



En, n. The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylenediamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.



Environment, n. Recently discovered territory in urgent need of protection from pollutants.



Exhaustive Methylation, n. A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion.



First Order Reaction, n. The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.



Flame Test, n. Trial by fire.



Friendly, adj. (as in dolphin-, ozone-, environment-, etc.) (of a product) Less harmful to dolphins, etc., than the previous formulation.



Genetic Engineering, n. A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing informally all along.



Green, adj. (of a product) Containing fewer chemicals than it might; (general) conducive to feelings of ecological virtue or self-satisfaction.



Grignard, n. A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life.



Harmless, approved, nonpolluting, safe, etc., adj. (of a chemical) Insufficiently investigated.



Inorganic Chemistry, n. That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.



Junk food, n. A mixture of additives.



Mercury, n. (from L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered.



Monomer, n. One mer. (Compare Polymer)



Natural, adj. Extracted from the environment without the use of chemicals. (See Synthetic)



Natural Product, n. A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to synthesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease.



Nitrate, n. Lower than the day rate.



Organic, adj. Church musician.



Organic Chemistry, n. The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.



Partition Function, n. The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.



Pharmacology, n. The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also Clinical Testing, Toxicology)



Physical Chemistry, n. The pitiful attempt to apply y = mx + b to everything in the universe.



Pilot Plant, n. A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.



Polar head group, n. Inuit psychiatrists.



Polymer, n. Many mers. (Compare Monomers)



Prelims, n. (From L. pre "before" + limbo "oblivion") An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).



Publish or Perish, n. The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members.



Pure, adj. Containing no chemicals.



Quantum Mechanics, n. A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state.



Rate Equations, verb phrase. To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. Hy = Ey, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV = nRT, on the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.



Redox, n. Rusty cattle.



Research, n. That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.



Schiff base, n. Stealing second.



Scientific Method, n. The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.



SI, n. Acronym for "Système Infernelle."



Spectrophotometry, n. A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.



Spectroscope, n. A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.



Synthetic, adj. A nasty substitution for something natural.



Toxicology, n. The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also Clinical Testing, Pharmacology)



Vitamin, n. Benevolent nonchemical substance found in natural footstuffs.



Waste, n. Mixture of pollutants. Requires the adjective "toxic." In a perfectly green world, no activity would produce any waste.



X-Ray Diffraction, n. An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.



Ytterbium, n. A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.



Zinc, selenium, copper gluconate, beta-carotene, chromium, etc., n. 1) Benevolent ingredients of natural foodstuffs and diet supplements, conducive to heald. 2) Poisonous synthetic chemicals.



1 Most of these definitions are taken from the following sources:
Ronald D. Butler, “The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary” (“The Last Word,” Chemtech, May, 1982)
David Jones, “A Popular Chemical Glossary” (“The Last Word,” Chemtech, December, 1983)





Elementary Puns

What do you do with a dead chemist? Ba



What does a chemist do in a play? Ac



Where do you bury a dead chemist? Kr



What does a doctor do with a sick chemist? He (or Cm)



Where does a chemist put dirty dishes? Zn



What is a ship captain's least favorite element? Zinc



What does a steamroller do to a chemist? Pt



What did the cowboy chemist do with his horse? Rh



What did the cowboy chemist do with his calf? Eu



What is the Cowardly Lion's favorite element? Osmium



How do you describe a jailed chemist who's gone crazy? Si



What do you do if you can't swim? Zn



What does a dark cloud do? U



What element doesn’t belong to you? Bi (i.e., none of your Bi)



What element is used to press clothes? Fe



What happens when someone steals the letter between Q and S? Ar



What two hafniums make: holmium



What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron? KNiFe.



Scary chemistry stories: “Tales From the Krypton.”



We hope your year is very phosphorous.



What ions are necessary for plant reproduction? PoO42- (polonate) and GeO32- (germinate)



The Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania, along with the Cobaltic States of Germany, Poland, Sweden, and Finland.



Have yourself a merry little bismuth.



Periodic table with gold missing: Au revoir



When everything is normal: it’s bismuth as usual.





From Bad To Verse

A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain
The cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane. [Better known as DDT]





A Valentine that is Technically a Sonnet (by Lowell T. Christensen)
How do I love thee? Let me quantify the ways.
I loved thee when first I observed thy configuration,
And I jumped to an excited state.
Before I met thee, I was a free radical,
But thou has made me more stable.
I loved thy reaction when a jewel (joule?) I shocked thee with.
We bonded and are now at equilibrium in the combined state.
Thou makest me feel almost noble.
I love thee for the children thou hast generated,
Who daily prove the second law of thermodynamics.
I love thee this Valentine's Day, February 14,
Which incidentally is Jimmy Hoffa's birthday.
I tell thee how I love thee,
That our love may never be reduced.





I had a brand new beaker once.
It's gone beyond recall.
For all the glass and pieces
Are embedded in the wall.





Johnny, finding life a bore,
Drank some H2SO4.
Johnny's father, an MD,
Gave him CaCO3.
Now he's neutralized, it's true,
But he's full of CO2.





Johnny saw some dynamite
Couldn't understand it quite.
But curiosity never pays:
It rained Johnny for seven days.





Little Willie from the mirror
Licked the mercury off.
Thinking in his childish error
It would cure his whooping cough.
At the funeral, Willie's mother
Smartly said to Mrs. Brown
“’Twas a chilly day for Willie
When the mercury went down.”





Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.





The Elements Song (Tom Lehrer)
(sung to the tune of "A Modern Major
General" from The Pirates of Penzance)

There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.

There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.
And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There's sulfur, californium, and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium,
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium.

These are the only ones of which the news has come to Ha'vard,
And there may be many others, but they haven't been discavard.




The professor talked much about Rhodium
And then he expounded on Sodium.
His arms he did flail,
Until he turned pale,
And then he fell off of the podium.





There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.





To the tune of “Losing My Religion”
That's me in the acid
That's me in the test tube
Losing my electrons
Trying to keep my ions true
But I don't know if I can do it
Oh no this work's too tough
I didn't study enough
I thought that I saw it bubbling
I thought that I saw it burn
I think I thought I heard it pop





You Pb me to believe he's dead;
I Zn he won't survive.
Ba in the ground, you fool,
Do you Zn he's still alive?





Lists

Homogeneous Catalyst Heterogeneous Catalyst
Holstein Black Angus
Holstein Guernsey
Holstein Hereford
Holstein Holstein
Holstein Jersey
Holstein Texas Longhorn




How To Tell Chemists From Non-Chemists:
1. Ask them to describe a mole.
2. Ask them to pronounce the word "unionized."
3. Chemists wash their hands before going to the bathroom.





Reasons To Become A Chemist:
· All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
· Clark Kent style safety glasses.
· Permanent goggle marks are cheaper and less painful than tattoos.
· Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
· Because it's pHun :)
· Access to 100% pure ethanol.
· Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies.
· You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night. (You're working in the lab.)
· You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment. (Ditto for cancer.)





You know you weren't prepared for the exam when you gave the following definitions:
stereochemistry: having the correct speakers for your CD player
free radical: a political movement
propane: sadomasochistic tendencies
Grignard: a three foot mile
periodic acid: sometimes it is and sometimes it ain't
biotin: how much coffee you purchase
prostate: when you want FSU to beat U. Florida in football
helminth: what the hockey players wear on their heads, thilly
IL-2: me also
homology: the study of real estate
membrane: the opposite of forgettin'





You Might Be a Chemist If ...
... you named your firstborn after one of the lanthanides, and then felt compelled to have more until you had the whole set.
... when you had an unexpected fifteenth child, you named him Actinium, and now you're not sure how to stop.
... you think that fresh air smells bad.
... you pronounce "unionized" with 4 syllables.
... you played with explosives as a kid, and still have all your fingers.





NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT DISCOVERED
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memos.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[DocHeart]

Trendiest two-word joke currently in Europe:

Greek economy

[Pensive]

I might be the only one but for some reason I find the term 'hot money' pretty funny too.

[Jack of Hearts]

Il y avais un chien qui a recontré un crocodile. Le crocodile lui a dit,"Bonjour, sac-à-puces!" Et le chien a répondu, "Bonjour, sac-à-main!"

Pourquoi est-ce que l'hibou est content? Parce que sa femme est chouette.

Jean Paul Sartre is at a cafe and he tells the waiter that he'll take a cup of coffee with no cream. The waiter tells him that the cafe has run out of cream, would he like it with no milk instead?








J

[Paulclem]

What do you call a bakery that is not making any money?

A non-profiterole making organisation.

[prendrelemick]

I suppose a pritt stick is not the best lip balm. Still, I can't complain.

[Hawg Horse]

Q: What’s the only sure way for a wine connoisseur to distinguish a fine German wine from vinegar?

A: Read the label.

[Tournesol]

A bald man was given a comb as a gift.

"I'll never part with it!" was his reply!

[Buh4Bee]

The gynecologist is giving a beautiful woman an examine. In return she is making faces of disgust. The doctor says, "Why are you making those faces. You are going to hurt my feelings." The nurse replies, "We don't want you to get a big head."

[laidbackperson]

I hope you have not heard this one.

A couple is sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of blue the wife says, " I love you."
" Is this you or the wine talking", asks the husband.
"It's me" says the wife. " Talking to the wine."

[Sancho]

Guy walks into a high-priced attorney's office.
Guy says to the lawyer, "Hey, you're a smart man. If I pay you 500 dollars can you answer two questions for me?"
Attorney says, "Sure. What's your second question?"

[free]

A person asks a computer: When will i get married?
The computer answers: I don't know.
So, what is funny?
I don't know, I am a computer.

(I am trying to create jokes... :) )

[laidbackperson]

Surgeon before the operation table: Don't you worry, Harry. Its only a minor
operation.

Patient: Thank you, Doctor. But my name is not Harry.

Surgeon: I know, I know. I am actually Harry.

[AuntShecky]

Yesterday, a guy came over to fix our toilet. I asked, "As long as you're here, can you do something about this drip?" And he said, "Lady, I'm a plumber, not a marriage counselor."

[AuntShecky]

Comedy is all about taking risks, right?

So here goes. I heard or read this one decades* ago:

Back in the Days of the Old West, a guy and his wife are riding back from town. All of a sudden, their horse stops still. The guy pulls on the reins and yells gidday-up repeatedly. The horse doesn't move. Finally he says, "All right, that's one!" And the horse reluctantly starts going again.

The goes about 1500 feet and once again comes to a complete stop. Now the guy is hot. "What did I just say, you broken down nag? That's two!" Once again the horse starts inching along and then, once again, stops.

"All right," the guy yells, "That's three!" And he reaches into the back of the wagon, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the horse.**

The wife is shocked, shocked! "What 'dya do that for? " she yells. "We're stuck in the middle of nowhere! How the hell are we going to get home?"

So the guy looks at her and says, "That's one---"



* I don't remember the names of my bitter half's grandchildren, but I remember 50-year-old jokes.

**No animals were harmed in the relating of this joke.

[AuntShecky]

Maybe it's a good thing I don't have any money. I'd be tempted to put it into a Swiss bank -- only to have it all fall through the holes.

[The Comedian]

Sorry, I don't tell jokes.

[DATo]

This is purportedly a true story:

Queen Elizabeth II was hosting the king of Tonga. They were reviewing a parade and ceremonial mounted soldiers were positioned in front of them on a slightly lower level. All at once, directly in front of them, one of the horses passed gas loudly. The Queen nervously turned to the king of Tonga and said, "I'm very sorry that happened." and the king turned back to her and said. "Oh! I thought it was the horse!"

[momoftwogirls]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

[Sancho]

Lady decides to help out a local homeless guy
Buys a couple gallons of paint
Tells the guy she’ll pay him 100 dollars to paint her porch
Guy says - okay
Guy heads around back with paint, brushes, and a new sense of purpose
Lady goes about her day
...
End of the day the guy comes around front for his 100 dollars
Lady says - How’d it go?
Guy says - Fine I guess. But I got news for you, lady, that ain’t no Porsche. That’s a BMW.

[kiz_paws]

Lady decides to help out a local homeless guy
Buys a couple gallons of paint
Tells the guy she’ll pay him 100 dollars to paint her porch
Guy says - okay
Guy heads around back with paint, brushes, and a new sense of purpose
Lady goes about her day
...
End of the day the guy comes around front for his 100 dollars
Lady says - How’d it go?
Guy says - Fine I guess. But I got news for you, lady, that ain’t no Porsche. That’s a BMW.omg LOL!! :lol:

[Bstefcorbin]

Q. What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
A. Attire

[Bstefcorbin]

Q. How does the Man cut his hair on the moon?
A. Eclipse it.

[tailor STATELY]

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist asks for an H20. The second chemist then asks for an H20 too... he dies.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Pompey Bum]

A Spanish-speaking magician vowed to make himself disappear on the count of three.

"UNO!" he cried.

"DOS!"

And then he vanished without a tres.

[AuntShecky]

(The following could be considered a true "Dad" joke as it was related by an actual "dad" upon perusing a take-out menu that had arrived in the mail.)

What do you call a scaredy- cat couch?

Chicken Divan

[RetsixArp]

Reminds me of a joke I heard ages ago, on some celebrity roast of late Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Caray. Tommy Lasorda told it:

Neighbor lady tells Mrs. Caray: "I got a dog for my husband!"
Mrs. Caray: "Gee, I wish I could swing a trade like that!"