Tell Me A Joke

[RobinHood3000]

Hahaha, that's a good one. It's like the one about the astrophysicists screwing in the light bulb.

[rachel]

I have always passed by this thread because to me, contrived jokes are mainly base and low class and embarrasing. But I was feeling terribly stressed and thought I would take a peek. Still don't like them, I like spontaneous wit like Em and M'Lord always exhibit.
But I really did love the Mensa thing.It was the best!
This isn't a joke but it reminds me of the frasier episode where he takes his father's dog Eddie to be fixed and Eddie escapes into that large park in Seattle.
Niles has gotten lost in the park and ran from a racoon and a twisted scarey old man that turned out to be a hedge. Frasier tries to help him realize where he is. So he remembers back to his boyscout days and tells Niles to look up into the heavens and try to find Orion's belt. He is talking about degrees this way and that and his father in utter exasperation says"Oh for God's sake just follow the honking of the horn.' He honks and Niles comes right away. Sometimes those Mensa guys are so smart they are dumb.

[RobinHood3000]

Haha, I LOVE Frasier. So intellectual, and yet so lost.

[papayahed]

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?


Anyone Can Roast Beef.

[RobinHood3000]

How many Rebels does it take to kill a Stormtrooper?

None--head trauma will kill the Trooper for them. (Episode IV inside joke...:D)

[rachel]

Robin,
In all this world can there possibly be a more endearing person than you?(no really I want to know)

[beer good]

This one is truly horrible, and I apologize in advance. But the "which book are you" thread told me I was vulgar, so I must abide.

Q: What do mathematicians do when they're constipated?
A: They work it out with a pencil.

[rachel]

oh my gawd,
my brother used to say that all the time along with "smooth move exlax" when I made a mistake.
And here I had the most lofty vision of you Beer, up there with oh I don't know prime ministers, Bob and Doug McKenzie( you have to be Canadian to appreciate that)
I always see you in jeans, a white shirt, at a nifty shining desk and you always have a beer in your hand, the teli on to watch sports and a picture of a tiny blonde.
and now this, gasp!

[beer good]

To attempt to reinstall dear Rachel's faith in me, here are a couple of slightly more high-brow jokes.

****

A mathematician, an statistician and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The statistician says "Hmmm... on average, four. Give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and whispers "What do you want it to equal?"

****

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Lets smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Lets build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Lets assume that we have a can-opener..."

****

And on the same note, a mechanic, an electrical engineer, a chemist and a computer helpdesk operative are out driving when suddenly the car's engine dies and they're standing on the side of the road unable to start it. The mechanic says: "Something's wrong with the engine. Let's open the hood and have a look." The electrical engineer says: "The electrical system is on the fritz. Let's check and see if the battery is working." The chemist says: "We're obviously out of gas. Let's run to the nearest gas station and buy some more." The computer helpdesk operative says: "Look, let's just get out of the car, slam the doors, walk around it and then get back in and try again."

[Xamonas Chegwe]

I've got a couple of similar ones: -

************

An economist, a statistician and a mathematician are on a train, heading into Scotland.

Suddenly the economist says, "Ah, look, the cows in Scotland are black."

The statistician looks out at the window and replies, "Well, some of them are definitely black. But that doesn't necessarily mean that all of them (or even the majority of them) are black.", and nudging the mathematician, "What do you think?"

The mathematician looks up from his Penguin Compendium of Interesting and Amusing Differential Equations and looks out of the window at the cow-field. After a few seconds of beard-pulling and contemplation, he scribbles a few words on a notepad, rips off the page and presents it to the statistician.

The statistician reads the note (with great difficulty he manages to decipher the mathematician's scrawl). It reads as follows:

"In Scotland there exists a minimum of one cow, one side of which appears black when viewed from a train."

******************

A catholic priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are engaging in an ecumenical, 'bonding' weekend. They have decided to spend the week fishing on a lake and are to be found sitting together, rods extended, in a rowing boat in the middle of said lake.

"You know what?" says the priest, "This fishing is thirsty work. I could do with a glass of whiskey."

The Imam, seeing an opportunity for cross-faith cooperation, says, "I'll get it. You carry on fishing." He stands up, steps over the side of the boat and calmly walks to the shore, where he enters their cabin, emerging a few minutes later with a half-full tumbler of Jamesons. He walks back across the lake and presents it to the priest, saying, "I am against drink myself. But in the interests of peace, I have made this effort on your behalf."

The priest is amazed at the Imam's ability to walk on water and mumbles his thanks, he is about to ask about the miracle, when the Imam continues, "Oh dear. I really should have picked up my hashish while I was there. A good smoke would really make this boat trip pass in a far more agreable manner."

The Rabbi speaks up, "My friend! I do not approve of the use of hashish, but I realise that it a part of your culture, so I will volunteer to fetch it for you." Without hesitation, he steps over the side of the boat and strides off to the shore, retrieving the Imam's stash from the cabin.

The priest is by now completely flabbergasted, "How powerful must their Gods be if they can let their servants walk on water in this way?" he asks himself. "Surely, the one true God will prove just as mighty." and he waits for an opportunity to prove his faith.

Several hours later, the Rabbi sneezes. The priest leaps upon his chance! "Allow me to go and fetch you a tissue." he cries, leaping over the side of the boat.

There is a huge splash, as the priest's somewhat less than svelte frame enters the water, displacing (according to Archimedian principles) an equal amount of that substance.

The Imam looks at the Rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"

[rachel]

Oh I love that, I was a wreck waiting to see how it unfolded. somehow I never see you sitting around telling jokes. it gives me a wierd feeling like when you wake up and can't feel your head.

Beer, that was good. Intelligent humour is so stuck up and funny at the same time. Rather like having an enema in a costly hospital while watching Seinfeld.

[kilted exile]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a drug addict & a cultured glaswegian are walking along the raod and see a $50 note on the ground. Who picks it up?


The drug addict of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

*******

I'm also going to include this here, it'll probably mean little to any of you but XC might get a kick out of it:

England supporters awaiting the arrival of the 'Grand slam express' are advised that due to a points failure and subsequent derailment at Murrayfield, the 18.12 from Edinburgh has been cancelled.

Further bad news as the A1 south has been blocked by a large number of wheelless chariots. Police advise that any owner of a vehicle unable to swing low, should call Scottish emergency services and await the arrival of someone coming for to carry them home.

*******

And finally back to poking fun at my own culture:

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's no good to do that now, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, I know, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"

[Xamonas Chegwe]

it gives me a wierd feeling like when you wake up and can't feel your head.

Lots of people wake up and can't feel my head, they are the lucky ones - certainly tomorrow they will be - I'm heading for a hangover the size of Argentina!

[RobinHood3000]

The Imam looks at the Rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"
Answer: Naaahh!!

[beer good]

The Imam looks at the Rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"
Hehe. But in all the versions I've heard, the rabbi looks back at the imam and asks

"What stepping stones?"

[steve12553]

I'm gonna have to add that to my repetoire.

Be my guest. I heard it from an electrical instructor about 18 years ago.

[ClaesGefvenberg]

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Stanislaw]

Two friends go to the vatican while touring italy, one of the guys is really into barbequing, so he always carries a portable bbq with him.

So when they reach the vatican, the bbq guy sets up his portable bbq under the popes bedroom window, his friend terrified that they are going to get arrested or excmunicated hides behind a pillar after unsuccesfully trying to talk his friend out of this crazy endevour. The guy behind the pillar peeks out behind just enough to see what the pope will do to his friend when he sees him...so in a few minutes the pope walks onto the balcony above the bbq and makes the sign of the cross in the air with his hand and returns inside his room. The guy behind the pillar is completely shocked...he walks up to his friend, who is now packing up his bbq and sais "wow man you were right, the pope does like bbqing as much as you do, I suprised you got a papal blessing", his friend replies "er no, he said you, your bbq, your friend behind the pillar...get the hell out!" :D

[Stanislaw]

Pearls before swine (http://www.comics.com/webmail/SendAStrip?AppName=ECardsFlash&ComicName=pearls&Attachments=/ecards/cards/ecard_pearls_slug.swf)

enough said :D

[higley]

Jokes that, being from Ohio, are close to my heart:

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain--an Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni and loved their
school the most. As they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!"

Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course, also not wanting to be outdone, the Ohio State grad shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES," walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain.

---

Have you heard the news? Lloyd Carr is only going to dress twenty-two players for the game against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.

---

Last one, I swear :) You may not understand it unless you're more familiar with the OSU/Michigan programs and rivalry:

Lloyd carr was on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
tied 14 - 14 and prayed for inspiration. He looked to the heavens and said, "God, what play should I call?"

God answered, "Throw a flat pass to the right." Lloyd called the play and it was intercepted and returned all the way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looked to the heavens and said, "God, why did you call that play?"

God paused and said, "Hey Woody, why did we call that play?"

[Virgil]

[QUOTE=higley]Jokes that, being from Ohio, are close to my heart:

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain--an Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni and loved their
school the most. As they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!"

Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course, also not wanting to be outdone, the Ohio State grad shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES," walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain.
[QUOTE]Higley
This year I just met a friend who went to Ohio State and she is vicious when it comes to Michigan. I didn't realize how passionate this rivalry was until this past fall when the two teams had their annual meeting. She sent me a whole series of these jokes.

[papayahed]

Jokes that, being from Ohio, are close to my heart:

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain--an Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni and loved their
school the most. As they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!"

Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course, also not wanting to be outdone, the Ohio State grad shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES," walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain.

---

Have you heard the news? Lloyd Carr is only going to dress twenty-two players for the game against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.

---

Last one, I swear :) You may not understand it unless you're more familiar with the OSU/Michigan programs and rivalry:

Lloyd carr was on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
tied 14 - 14 and prayed for inspiration. He looked to the heavens and said, "God, what play should I call?"

God answered, "Throw a flat pass to the right." Lloyd called the play and it was intercepted and returned all the way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looked to the heavens and said, "God, why did you call that play?"

God paused and said, "Hey Woody, why did we call that play?"


haha!! That's funny I've always heard those jokes a little differently! Kinda like this:

"What are the first words a successful Ohio State Graduate would say?

Welcome to McDonalds can I take your order? "

or

"How do you get an Ohio State grad off your porch?

Pay them for the pizza."

[Taliesin]

Some other mathematician jokes:

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are given the following information: two people go into a house and after some amount of time, three come out. How would you comment?

The bioligist: Ah, they procreated!
The physicist: It must be a mistake of measurement.
The mathematician: If one person would go inside now, the house would be empy again!



*
Once the science faculty needed some costly equipment and the dean of the faculty went to the universitys' administration to scrounge some money.
"Listen," didn't the prorector understand. "Why do you need so much money? Take the mathematicians as your models - they only need paper, pens/pencils and paperbins. Or the philosphers - they need only pens and paper"


*

The crocodile theorem:

Theorem: Every crocodile is more wide than long.
Proof: Let's take an arbitrary corcodile. We need two lemmas for this proof.

Lemma 1: Crocodile is more wide than green.
Proof: Let's look at the crocodile from upside - it is green and wide. Now let's look at the crocodile from below - it is wide but not green - so the lemma 1 is proven.

Lemma 2: Crocodile is more green than long.
Proof: Let's look at the crocodile from upside again. The crocodile is green both lengthways and widthways but the crocodile is long only lengthways - the lemma 2 is proven.

The proof of the theorem originates from these lemmas.


*

Problem: Crocodile A is 6 metres long from head to tail How long is it from tail to head?

Answer: 1 metre. We solve the problem using analogy with a known problem. There are six days from Monday to Sunday, but one day from Sunday to Monday.



*

This joke is about a statician that drowned in a river that was 1 metre deep on average.

[Virgil]

Since my 15th wedding aniversary will be coming up in a few months, I thought this was funny.

Marriage Counseling


A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I golf."

[higley]

Virgil, the rivalry really is pretty vicious :D Red Sox/Yankees got nothing on us. Here's a few more :P

---

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?"

After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."

---

Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

---

papayahead: yea, I've heard those too, 'cept they go the other way around. :D

[Virgil]

Great fun words! I've seen some of these in past years but some are new, at least to me. I've always loved "seagull manager," quite appropriate around where I work.



NEW WORDS FOR 2006: Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace ....(and elsewhere)

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

[beer good]

A Scotsman walks into a pub and orders three double whiskies. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the barman, eventually finishing the other two.

Next day he comes in and does the same. This goes on for a few days until the barman finally says: "You know, I can put all those doubles in a pint glass for you."

"No, no, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers, but one lives in America now and the other in Australia, so this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together."

The barman agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, then one day, the Scotsman orders only two doubles. The barman begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. Finally, he asks: "Is everything all right?"

"What do you mean?" replies the Scotsman.

"Well", the barman says, "All these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two, I hope something didn’t happen to one of your brothers."

"Oh no," the Scotsman replied, "They’re both fine. It's just that I quit drinking."

[rachel]

hahahahahahaha YOU ARE THE BEST. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST EVER. And pretty much the same sort of reasoning as my Irish stepbrother Nelson.
When he was about fifteen he had already been drinking and smoking(his scottish granny got him doing that) since he was about eleven.
He got smashed one night and came home and was pounding on the door to his bedroom because well I don't know why.
His father came marching downstairs and shouted at him to just open the bloody door.My brother started singing some daft song and his father punched him right between the eyes then carried him and threw him on the bed.
the next morning at breakfast my brother said he couldn't figure out why his head hurt so much. his father said nothing. I whispered to him the truth. He looked totally ticked.so a couple of nights later he came up to his father and said he would fight him right there right then.it was a totally bloody fight and I was horrified and just when I thought one or the other would die they slapped one another on the back and went out for a pint with someone at their house. IRISH MEN!
I can just see you Beer feet up on your desk looking all official as you read with knitted brows a fax sheet. only it is just a copy of jokes. And you get paid for it.
go Beer go! go Beer go!

[The Unnamable]

This was sent to me ages ago. I did a quick search and couldn’t find it so apologies if you have seen it before.


Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex and Clean House 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail p_o_rn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip!

These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself. Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems.

A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Please advise best course of action.

[rachel]

great. poor fellow. he should just try running the hermit 2010 and at least enjoy some peace and quiet for a while.doesn't cost anything and his audience is sure to laugh at all his jokes. :lol:

[sdr4jc]

What do you call a smart blonde?

[rachel]

you and me?

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Unnamable,

What platform are you running wife 1.0 on? I ask because in some systems, a shared directory is set up for applications such as MS Money, Overdraft 2000 and Credit XP. If this is the case, there is little you can do except, save as much functionality as you can from these applications, uninstall everything and buy a Mac (preferably a dirty one) and install RedLight 5.0.

There is also a chance of permanent hard-drive degradation with the system as you are currently operating it. This can cause an intermittent connection failure which can lead to subsequent floppy-drive issues.

Whatever you do, do NOT upgrade to wife 2.0 as this will only make things twice as bad!

I have found that most of these types of problems tend to be blamed on the user's hardware, but have serious doubts that this is actually the case in most instances. I suspect that it is actually a flaw in the logic circuitry of wife 1.0 that is behind the trouble. Unfortunately, attempting to run any kind of diagnostic routine to interrogate Wife 1.0 about this seems to cause further problems.

Sorry I can't be of any further help. I have heard mixed reviews of Divorce 2005 but it involves expensive 3rd party software which can be difficult to install and definitely won't suit all systems.

Regards,

"[email protected]"

[The Unnamable]

Dear Technical Support,

Thank you for your advice. However, further problems led to a complete system failure and I took a sledgehammer to the whole lot. I now intend relying on my trusty Palm instead.

[sdr4jc]

What do you call a smart blonde?


Artificial Intelligence. :lol: :banana: :lol: :banana: :lol: :banana:

[Virgil]

Here's another computer joke.


The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!

[Virgil]

I guess I'm in the joke mood. Here's another.


Senior Dating

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[rachel]

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
definitely wear an old dress I guess. But after dinner I would have paid and gone home in a taxi.

[emily655321]

Okay, this one has been kicking around on the internet for a while, but I just got it today in an e-mail from my great-uncle. There are other variations, so it's up to you whether or not it's based in fact. Either way:

HEAVEN OR HELL: EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHERMIC?

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we have to determine the rate at which souls are entering against the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

(This student received the only "A.")

[myself]

two 10 yr boys were at the museum, they saw an ancient mummy. one boy asked the other: " is this a dead body" the other one:" yes, but what is the number written next to it?" the other boy answered him:" its obvouis: its the number of the car than killed him!!!!!!"

[smilingtearz]

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!


Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"


Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.


Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.


Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.


Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.


Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll


Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!! ( laughed my head off when i read this one!)


Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.


Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!


Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!


Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station! :lol:


Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.


Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.


Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!


Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

[smilingtearz]

Oh virgil!.. that was awesome! :lol:

[Virgil]

Here's one for the Easter Holidays.



A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,

"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the
Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped
home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

[tn2743]

hahahaha :D nice one Virgil

[Pensive]

Virgil, this one is really funny!

[Virgil]

Another anti wife joke. Sorry to you ladies.


Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and Nascar. All of a sudden Joe says " I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Bill sips his beer and says" you better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[tn2743]

I love that "sleeping with the fishes" joke in "The Shark Tale". Anyone know what I'm talking about? Gets me everytime :p ...that's a funny movie.

[Jay]

This one? ;)

Luca: Be there, if you don't wanna see her sleepin' with the fishes. The dead ones. Now nod your head if you understand... Now tell me if you nodded your head.

:p

[smilingtearz]

http://www.berro.com/images1/BABYklonad.jpg
:lol:

[Jay]

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a157/jayellen/forums/pic137v.jpg

:D

[smilingtearz]

that's a cool one! @jay

[Virgil]

Here's one:



A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father
took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and
we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went
to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud
of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a
moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You
know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and
even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and
they WALKED every where they went!"

[smilingtearz]

:lol:!!!!!!!!!!!

[tn2743]

This one? ;)

Luca: Be there, if you don't wanna see her sleepin' with the fishes. The dead ones. Now nod your head if you understand... Now tell me if you nodded your head.

:p

:nod: .......... :p :D :lol:

[beer good]

Knowing the owners are out of town, a thief has broken into a house in the middle of the night and is busy gathering up valuables when he suddenly hears a voice saying:

"Jesus is watching you!"

He looks around but can't see anyone in the dark, so he keeps searching when he again hears the voice:

"Jesus is watching you!"

The thief is annoyed; he knows no one is home. So he answers:

"Who's there?"

"I'm Moses", the voice replies.

OK, this is getting freaky. He gets out his flashlight and shines it around the room until it lands on a parrot in a cage just as the parrot once again says:

"Jesus is watching you!"

The thief laughs his head off. "What kind of idiot names a parrot 'Moses'?"

The parrot replies: "The same idiot who'd name a 150-pound rottweiler 'Jesus'."

[myself]

k i have this joke that i found funny:

there was a guy who went to a mental hospital and walked into a room where every one was jumping up and down, he saw one sensible man sitting down and asked him: " why are these men jumping around like this" he answered: " they are pretending to be pop corn in a saucepan when they pop" so the man asked: " so why r u sitting down?" he answered: " i got stuck at the bottom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

i dont no if ur gonna find it funny but i cracked up!!!!!!1

[smilingtearz]

yeah myself that was funny :lol:

here's one..
Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

[Virgil]

Good one Eva. Here's another:



On a city street a cab driver stopped to pick up a nun, and when she
got settled in he told her, "I hope you won't mind my telling you
something personal." "No," she replied, "what have you to say?".

"Well," he said, "I have always wanted to kiss a nun and I was
wondering if you did not think that that was too weird." "My good
man," the nun replied, "that is foolishness, and besides you would
have to be unmarried and a Catholic to even consider such a thing."

"As luck would have it," he said, "I am Catholic and single." "Oh
all right," the nun said, just one kiss for the good of your soul."

Whereupon they exchanged a deep throat smooch, at the end of
which the cab driver said, "I have a confession to make sister. I am
married and I am not a Catholic." "

That's ok," said the nun, "I'm Jewish, my name is Kevin, and I'm on
my way to a Halloween party."

[smilingtearz]

heheha! nasty..

[ClaesGefvenberg]

Here's one I like:

Chili Cook offs


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bimbo is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?


FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[myself]

i have this joke i read on the net:

on a sunday morning, the church was full of people. then all of a sudden satan appears.everyone yells and shouts and runs out of the church. at the end it was empty except for one man. satan asked him:" aren't u scared of me?" "no" said the man "Y" asked satan, " bacause i got married to ur sister"

[smilingtearz]

:lol:

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."

[Virgil]

An 85 year old widow went on a blind date with a 94 year old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house
later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead "

[Taliesin]

Well, this is an Estonian joke, but a good one.

Kaali is a meteorite crater in Estonia, fell about 4000 years ago. There is a schoolhouse nearby.
Meri is an ex-president of Estonia.
Rüütel is the current president of Estonia and Reps is a minister.

Meri, Rüütel and Reps stand at the edge of the beforementioned crater.
Meri looks at it and mutters something like: "Here this meteorite fell. Maybe our ancestors saw it."
Rüütel wants to look smart too and says: "And look how exactly it fell into this crater!"
Reps adds: "And how good that it didn't knock down the schoolhouse!"

[Apotropaic]

Get all the laughs you need from comedian Mitch Hedberg :banana:

link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLAxoAWVX8E)
link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz67bCzb1J4)
link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE4npDCyS98)
link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Pq9yL___II)

[Mililalil XXIV]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
Having no choice, the Jews picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------This seems like a reworked version of the joke as I first knew it. In the version I saw before, the reason the Pope offered the solution of challenging the Jews to a contest was to subtly play the diplomat to a city that pressured him to make them leave. This version doesn't make as much sense - why would the one that wanted them to leave offer them a way to remain?

[beer good]

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.

Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was but a lowly carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he was born in a most unusual way, was persecuted throughout his life, but underwent a great transformation and eventually became admired by millions of people... oh, and he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

[Virgil]

Two Little Johnny jokes:

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.

I think I'm going to have a wife."

[rachel]

Johnny needs to run for his precious little life.
that is so adorable Virgil, hope that wasn't you and mama's conversation. :lol:

[Virgil]

Johnny needs to run for his precious little life.
that is so adorable Virgil, hope that wasn't you and mama's conversation. :lol:
You never heard Little Johnny jokes, Rachel? I'll post a few more eventually. They tend to be naughty, though, so Ill have to be careful.

[Virgil]

Here's one perfect for lit net.
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.

[Riesa]

I haven't heard any little johnny jokes in ages, I forgot all about them...I have vague memories of them being seriously un-pc though. (funnily so)

funny poem.

[Virgil]

I haven't heard any little johnny jokes in ages, I forgot all about them...I have vague memories of them being seriously un-pc though. (funnily so)

funny poem.
Yes, I don't think I can post most of them. But I'll find some that I can.

[Virgil]

Here's something funny. I don't think they are real ads, but cute nonetheless.


REAL NEWSPAPER ADS

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

If you like spoof adverts, try HERE (http://www.framleyexaminer.com/pages/classified.html).

My favourite is the "Holiday snaps for sale - will suit a young couple with two blond children."

[Virgil]

This one sounds like a Edgar Allan Poe story.


The Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

[miss tenderness]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you buy her a pet?

HUSBAND: "If she wanted one."

WIFE: "Would you buy her a cat?

HUSBAND: "No, she likes German Shepherds."
WIFE: - - - SILENCE - -

HUSBAND: "****!"

loooooooooooooool

[Pendragon]

It was the heat of the French Revolution. Three men were lead to the guillotine. The first was a great scientist, the second a mathematics professor, and the third the idle rich.

"Last words!" The executioner barked at the first man.

"It is an honor to die, and a better place to which I go."

"Face down or face up?"

"Oh, down, please!"

The rope was pulled but the blade stopped short of his neck.

"Seems Le Bon Dieu smiles upon today. It will not come down and cut your head off. You may go." Said the executioner, grudgingly. The man skipped off like a shot!

"And you! Last words?" The executioner sneered at the second trembling man.

"May France never be divided!"

"Face down or face up?"

"Down."

Again the blade refused to drop the required distance, only touching the man's neck. The executioner swore the air blue, then turn to his prisoner.

"And good fortune is yours as well. You may go." The man left with much bowing and scraping. The crowd had grown ugly, for they wanted blood!

The executioner faced his last man. "What do you have to say?"

"Nothing."

"Face down or face up?"

"Face up."

The executioner reached to pull the rope when the condemned man interrupted.

"Oh. So that's the problem with it!"

[Virgil]

Understanding Men


Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA
is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking
at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I
used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will
then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy
communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no
problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to
find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are
the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has
to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may
miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or
sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think
about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to
pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I
didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards.... then I
will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks
fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will
share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do
the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better
understand men.

[beer good]

Good one, Virgil!



When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.




The poor Russians had to use a pencil.

[mir]

"never insult a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes. that way, when you insult them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." : )

[Virgil]

A Proof that girls are evil:

Given: We all know that girls require time and money. We can set up the equation then that:

Girls = Time x Money

But we also all know that Time is money:

Time = Money

Therefore, substitution leads us to :

Girls = Money x Money = (Money)Squared

And we all know that money is the root of all evil:

Money = square root(Evil)

Therefore:

Girls = square root(evil)squared

And we are forced to conclude

Girls = Evil



Oh, those silly math majors. :D

[Pendragon]

A swimmer who’s clothing the wind strewed
Found herself left unfortunately nude:
Then this guy came along
And unless we guessed wrong—
You thought that this line was going to be lewd!
:D :lol: :lol: :lol:

[smilingtearz]

you wrote that??

[AimusSage]

:D Now that is funny Pen :lol:

[smilingtearz]

yeah, Aimus was thinking the last line was going to be lewd!! :p

[AimusSage]

You're saying you didn't? :goof:

[ShoutGrace]

Eva's not that crude, shes an angel? Do we dare ask that question?

[smilingtearz]

:lol:.. i seriously did not... :lol:

[AimusSage]

Awww, such sweet innocence. :)

[smilingtearz]

you aren't being sarcastic are you :p

[ShoutGrace]

Awww, such sweet innocence.

And intuitive!


you aren't being sarcastic are you

[AimusSage]

you aren't being sarcastic are you :p

Do you think I was? :p

[smilingtearz]

:p not at all

this is supposed to be the jokes thread... i'm hijacking again

[Taliesin]

Jesus and the Devil decided to have a programming contest to see who was the best hacker. So God set up a meeting and gave them each an identical computer, and they had 24 hours to write a killer program that would hack the server God had set up.

For 23 and a half hours, they both type away furiously. But then, 30 minutes away from the deadline, the power goes out. God quickly gets the power turned back on, but both of the computers have already crashed. Jesus and the Devil boot them back up, and with only 30 minutes left, do their best to re-write their programs.

The time comes, and the Devil goes first. "Dammit, I lost everything when the power went out! There's no way this 30 minute program will hack God's server." Sure enough, it doesn't.

Then it's Jesus's turn. He simply smiles as his program hacks into God's server in less than 30 seconds.

The Devil looks over, amazed and furious. "How the heck did you manage that after the computers crashed!?!?"

God looked at him and said, "Didn't you know? Jesus saves!"

[Virgil]

A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care.
I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18 year
old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 43 year old ***?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[Riesa]

:lol:

where do you get these awful jokes? :lol:

[Boris239]

A long anekdote about women:

Once King Arthur was captured by his enemy who told him that he would kill him unless he funds the answer to the question what women want most of all. The evil king gave Arthur a year to find the answer. Arthur was trying to find the answer, but the search was fruitless.
Finally in the end of the year he found an old ugly witch who told him that she would tell him the answer if Lancelot will marry her. Lancelot was of course a noble fellow, so he decided to save his friend. The answer was that women want most of all to decide themselves how to live and choose their own destiny.
So there is a wedding of Lancelot and the witch. Then they go to the bedroom and she transforms into a beautiful young maiden. She tells Lancelot that he has a choice: either she will be ugly during the day and gorgeous at nights or other way around. Lancelot thought for a while and said- decide by yourself. She was so happy that she had decided to stay beautiful all the time.

MORAL- It doesn't matter if the woman is old or young, ugly or beautiful- underneath she is still a witch

[mir]

that's in the canterbury tales!

i love these.

Japanese computer haiku

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

The web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

This site uses frames
And yet your browser does not.
One of these will change.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[Jay]

The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User.
8) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan
1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

[Jay]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

[Virgil]

:lol:

where do you get these awful jokes? :lol:
You like that Riesa? Here's another:


Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty.

She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty!


One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me.

How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Boris239]

After my last antiwomen joke here is antimen:

In the Paradise God is talking to Adam and Eve:
God: I have two gifts for you, but you will have to choose who gets what. The first gift- you well pee upright.
Adam: I want it. Me, me, choose me.
God: Ok
Eve: What is the second gift?
God: Brains, Eve, brains

[rachel]

hahahahahahahah Good one there Boris. Do you have any anti postmen jokes?
Please.............

[kilted exile]

The only postman joke I know is an old one:

Why are postmen always angry?

Because they get the sack every morning

[Boris239]

I don't know a really good one but here is one postmen:

Night, rain, there is a huge storm on the sea. Boat with the postman is sailing to the lighthouse. It reaches the lighthouse and the postman angrily gives the package to the watcher of the beacon: "Here take it"
Watchman: "if you aren't polite, I'll subscribe for the daily newspaper"

[Pendragon]

you wrote that??No, Eva. I found it, and thought it would make people go crakers! It's a joke you'd think would be not nice which turns out to have fooled everyone!

[Virgil]

I know exactly how this feels with my lawn mower.


A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on
a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a
lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?"
asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,"
said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked "Will
you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after
riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've
got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He
pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the
mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said,
"I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it
to get it started."

The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's
been so long since I've been saved that I don't even
remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just
keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

[Virgil]

The Blonde Hanywoman


A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe
all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[Scheherazade]

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

Answer: To get to the bottom!

[rachel]

oh that is great. reminds me of my little stepbrother and the hours he spent telling me such jokes. Of course I was too old and too cool for t hem, but whenever he left the room I laughed despite myself.

[Boris239]

Old Soviet joke:

Brezhvev came to US and asked Nixon :"What is the secret, why is US doing so well?"
Nixon answered that he has very good advisers. He sent for Henry Kissinger and asked him a riddle: "A son of your father, but not your brother". Kissinger thought for a while and answered: "That's me".
Brezhnev was really impressed and when he came home, he asked Gromiko(USSR foreign minister) the same question: "A son of your father but not your brother". Gromiki thought for a really long time and said that he doesn't know the answer. "Dumbass",- told him Brezhnev- "That's Henry Kissinger".

[rachel]

Excellent one Boris.I am sure Andre Gromiko would have laughed himself silly.
Hey you are a fountain of jokes, more please. they are great.

[Boris239]

a silly one:

A girl calling to the radio station:

I found the wallet yesterday with 10000$ and there also was an id with name of John Smith. Please put some really good song for John

[rachel]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
You Must Be A Riot At A Party! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbs_up

[Boris239]

when you spend really a lot of time with your friends, after a while they unfortunately know most of your jokes. Although my knowledge is reasonably extensive, this already happens. It's nice to tell jokes to someone new- they won't tell you: "you've already told me that one a while ago".
Here is a long one about men and women:
Smart man+ smart woman= light flirt
Smart man+ stupid woman= unwed mother
Stupid man+ smart woman= normal family
A man will pay 2$ for a 1$ thing if he needs it
A woman will pay 1$ for a 2$ thing if she doesn't need it
A woman worries about her future until she gets married
A man never worries about his future until he gets married
A succesful man is a man who earns more money than his wife can spend
A succesful woman is a woman who can find such a husband
To find happiness with man, you must understand him a lot and love him a bit.
To find happiness with a woman, you must love her a lot and not evn try to understand her
A woman marries with the hope that the man will change, but he doesn't
A man marries with the hope that a woman won't change, but she does.
A woman has always the last word in a quarrel.
Any word said after that by a man is the beginning of the new quarrel

[RobinHood3000]

A woman has always the last word in a quarrel.
Any word said after that by a man is the beginning of the new quarrelHeeheehee...:lol:

[Pendragon]

Once the devil decided to challange heaven to a baseball game.

"You are wasting your time, Satan." God replied. "How could you possibly win? Too many of the great ball players are up here."

"How could I possibly loose?" The devil replied. "All the great umpires are down here!" :D :lol:

[Virgil]

Good one. Although I doubt that all the good ball players are up there.

[Boris239]

A similar to Pen's:

A young couple died in an accident just before the marriage. When they came to heaven, they told God that they want to be married. God told them to come to him in 3 weeks. So they did and got married. After a while they decided that they want to divorce and came to God with their request. "What",- shouted God, '"I spent 3 weeks to find a priest here. I can not imagine how much time will take to find a lawyer in Heaven"

[AimusSage]

Another heaven and hell joke.

Bill Gate dies in a car accident, as he comes before God, he addresses him:

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.

After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water?"

"Oh," God said, "that was the demo."

[SmokeBellew]

Hey everyone I've got this old soviet joke:

Soviet party orders an artist to paint a picture called "Lenin is in Paris" as comrade V.I.Lenin is soon returning from his political trip to France.

"But I have never been to Paris, how can I draw it???" - replies the artist confused
"It is an order of soivet party and our comrades, if you love your motherland you will paint "Lenin is in Paris"" - replies the party member

After a few days officials meet Lenin who's just came back from Paris and proceed into a big hall. In a few minutes party member orders his comrades to bring the picture into the hall. The picture is brought in and everyone turns amazed and silent as the artist painted Lenin's wife in bed with another man.
Party members: "But where's comrade Lenin???"
The Artist: "Lenin is in Paris"

[Boris239]

Going back to Soviet:

Afterv Americans landed on the Moon, Brezhnev decided that in order to supersede them Soviet astronauts must land on the Sun. The astronauts: "But Leonid Il'ich, it's way too hot on the Sun- it's impossible"
Brezhnev- "Do not think that the Party is stupid. You will land at night"

[rachel]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't even make a comment, that is too funny, and also, I supidly wrote on my profile the city I live in. I am still nervous about KGB!

Boris, I insist, in September when it is my birthday I am extending you an invite. You shall be honored guest and believe me, none of my friends have heard any of your jokes. they will be in agony from stomachaches!
Smoke that was excellent.
I think, kidding aside, that Russia, what is left of it, is one of the most magnificent places on earth.
Boris, do you play professional soccer or for your corporation or what?

[Boris239]

Thanks for the invite, Rachel!!
Don't worry- there is no KGB anymore. Of course, there is some other organization, but it's not as powerful as KGB was.
Russia is a very beautiful country, especially my home city- St. Petersburg. Unfortunately the life of most Russians is pretty difficult, but it's slowly getting better from what I heard from my friends who are still there.
I don't play professional soccer, just play with my friends+ participate in some friendly tournaments. My future occupation will be much more mundane- I'll be getting my Masters in Math next semester(hopefully)
Another anekdote about unfaithful couples- there is a huge number of them
One guy talks to his friend: "My wife is such a whore. I specifically sent her a telegram when I'm returning from my trip. And what do you think? I came home and she was having sex with some guy". Then he thinks for a while: "Maybe she is not a whore, maybe she just hasn't received the telegram".

[rachel]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Oh Boris what a gift you are. I love St. Petersburg. When I was little I already started reading every book I could about Mother Russia and I fell in love with the land, the great architecture, the poetry, social life, just everything. When I would read Tolstoy or the diaries of Nicholas and Alexandra I would tremble with joy. There is something so alive and gorgeous about Russia even in her most broken moments.
When I watched in real time the burials of the Romanovs,royal and saw the line of Romanovs standing silently watching the caskets being lowered and saw the unbelievable beauty of the church I wept for an hour afterward. Do you ever wish to go on an extended trip home?
I have never heard ONE of your jokes before. That shows how much I get around.
Spasibo Boris

[Boris239]

Yes sometimes I want to go back- I have really a lot of friends there, after all I left Russia only 4 years ago. I love St. Petersburg- I was so dissapointed that I missed the celebration of 300 years birthday of the city. Have you watched "The Russian arc"? I was casted in Winter Palace itself. I like Tolstoy, but I always prefered Dostoevsky. What Russian poets do you like?
And another silly one:
A little turtle is climbing the tree. After a long and difficult way it finally manages to climb to one of the big branches and jumps from it. While flying it tries to flap its paws and naturally falls on the ground. Hurt, it tries to climb the tree again, falls, etc.
Nearby two birds are talking: "I think that it's time to tell our child that he is adopted"
And a short one- all people are born free and equal. Then some of them get married...

[rachel]

Poor poor turtle! can't wait to tell my girlfriends. thankyou.
Oh I agree about Fyodor, I was meaning Tolstoy with regard to his frequent experimenting with agriculture, with his serfs concerning the way they were treated socially at that time. From that he was able to extract some beautiful imagery. But nothing can break my heart or make me think like Dostoevsky. Poets? Well Pushkin of course and I am very partial toMarina Stvetaeva,(spelling). I find her hauntingly beautiful. And like Sylvia Plath she took her own life, which is tragic. For music I love Borodin, one called the Steppes of Central Asia I loved and Rimsky Korsakoff. Well there probably are fifty names to be mentioned, Russia is so rich in everything. I cannot understand what a shock to you to come from St.Petersburg which TO ME A FAERIE TALE place and be where you are now however impressive.
Do you write poetry?
I just realized I don't know any jokes. Usually the people telling them to me are so gross that my face is glowing from embarassment and I wouldn't have repeated them anyway. so I will just catalogue all of yours and then my friends will first of all think I have gone peculiar(am very shy with friends) and or have been visiting the jokes shop and bought them out of all good books. Thank you Boris.

[Boris239]

A short anekdote: If you don't have a girlfiend, then somebody has two of them

Another one: two old friends are meeting.
First: You know, almost all our friends are divorced or at least have a lot of problems with their marriage. But you seem to be very happy and satisfied for 15 years. Is there some kind of secret?
Second: Yes, I'll open you a secret. We decided that life shouldn't become boring and mundane. So we are going to the restaurants. We start from the romantic dinner with candles, then go to the bar, dance, touch each other anticipating the night full of love
First: And how often do you go?
Second: To the restaurant? Every week: I on Tuesdays, my wife on Fridays

[Pensive]

I know some Punjabi jokes and some about Sikhs which I find very funny but the problem is that they loose their actual thingy when told in English. *frowns*

[mir]

[
QUOTE=Boris239]A short anekdote: If you don't have a girlfiend, then somebody has two of them


girlFIEND??! :D

[Boris239]

[

girlFIEND??! :D

yes- one girlfiend is scary, but can you imagine that someone has two :D

[kilted exile]

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.

Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that:

1.The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and

2.The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

[tainaprincess]

Actual Statements Taken From Church Bulletins

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

[tainaprincess]

Powerful letter from Grandma....

Grandma

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought
the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and
screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning,and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[tainaprincess]

Baked Beans

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will ......

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was
more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,I
have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold
until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of
cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on
like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!

[tainaprincess]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the comer of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door..."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway..."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup... He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door closes and locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[tainaprincess]

HUSBAND 1.0

From: Danielle Knowles

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:\IThought
you loved me" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install
Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5, which just
might reinstall Romance 9.5.
Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1, and Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snore Loudly 10.8. Whatever you
do: DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend downloading LotsaHotFood 3.0, then reformat your personal files to be compatible with NFL 6.5. That should automatically reinstall and run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
Don't forget to run Keeping Slim 5.5 three or four times a week for about 20-30 minutes (Use the image minimizing routine). Then install and run Victoria's Secret 10.0 and I'll bet that Romance 9.5 will restart, automatically update to version 9.9 and perform flawlessly.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[smilingtearz]

:lol: uhmm..
Ques: What''s black and white, black and brown, and black and black?

Ans: A nun roasting on a spit!

nice jokes tania :lol: the baked beans!

[smilingtearz]

1:Knock, Knock
2:Who''s there?

1:Cows go.

2:Cows go who?

1: No, silly! Cows go moo!

[Pendragon]

Dr. Seuess meets Abbott and Costello

From How The Grinch Stole Christmas

C: Who are those people?
A: Yes.
C: I mean the one's down in the village below
A. Who
C: The one's doing all that singing, and dancing, and cooking roast beast!
A. They're Who.
C. What are you asking me for?
A: I not asking you man, I'm telling you. They're Who.
C: Look when Santa comes to the village tonight who get the presents?
A. Certainly, they deserve them.
C: Who do?
A: Yes.
C: Look, Abbott all I want to know is what are the people in that village called?
A: But they aren't. They're Who.
C: Will ya quit asking me? I don't know!
A: Who.
C: Here we go again! That guy there, the Mayor is he?
A: Yes. He's the Head Who.
C: The head who what?
A: He holds the office of Mayor, so he's the Head Who.
C: You mean all those people are who?
A: Now you got it.
C: Now I got it? I don't even know what I'm talking about!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[cuppajoe_9]

Two philosophers are sitting on a beach in Tahiti. One turns and says to the other, "Have you read Marx?". The other replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs".

[formality hater]

A teacher asked a new student,"Can you read and write?"
Student replied,"I can write but can't read."
Teacher was puzzled ,but she thurst a paper and pencil towards him and nudged him to write.
The student drew a few rough lines and returned the paper.
After looking at it with every angle, she told him to read what he had written.
Student replied sheepishly,"Sorry teacher,but I have already told you that I can write but can't read."
..........................................
I read it in a magazine and loved it. :lol: What do you think? :brow:

[Pendragon]

A new Pastor was nervous about taking over a church from an older man. But the outgoing Pastor just winked, and showed him three envelopes. "Each time you feel pressured, open one, and do what it says. They are numbered. But make sure you are in real trouble."

About a year later, during a rough time, the new Pastor opened envelope 1. It read: "Blame it all on me. After all, I'm long gone, and it won't hurt."

Things settled down for a while but in about eight months, the new Pastor was in hot water again. He opened envelope #2. It read: "Blame it all on the denomination. They can afford it, and are unlikely to come after you since the church is one of the smaller congregations."

Things went quite well for the next five years. Then the new Pastor really had his back to the wall. He reached and opened the third envelope. It read:
"If things have got to this point you might as well prepare the three envelopes. You'll soon be meeting your replacement." :angel:

[tainaprincess]

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW." HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK." "I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS
TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A
NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Hope this makes you laugh!!!!! :lol:

[cuppajoe_9]

Hmm, new pastor jokes eh?

A new pastor was a bit nervous on giving his first sermon. "Don't worry", said the more experienced man he was replacing, "I'll sit in the front row and write down some notes for you. And I'll tell you a secret: if you get really nervous, the water glass always has gin in it instead of water". The young pastor thanks the older man, and delivers what he thinks is a very sucessulf sermon. The older pastor's notes read as follows:

1. Sip the gin, don't gulp it.
2. Jesus had twelve deciples, not four.
3. Mary Magdalane was a prostitute, not a 'skank'.
4. Jesus said: "Take of this bread, for it is my body". He didn't say "Eat me".
5. There are four gospels, not twelve.
6. After the sermon on the mount, Jesus' deciples distributed fish and loaves, they did not 'set up a buffet'.

[AimusSage]

Playing Gold

Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first
hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one
to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right
for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split
down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finnally stopped
about 5 ft from the hole.
Jesus looked at Moses and said "Good shot Moses."
Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was
also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very
wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball
finnally stopped about 3 ft from the hole.
Moses looked at Jesus and said "Good shot Jesus."
Finnally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old
man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gofer
picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and
grabs the gofer and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning
strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gofer, the gofer hits the ground, the
ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Good shot Dad."

[cuppajoe_9]

An agonostic insomniac dysexic is someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

[Pendragon]

Hummmm. Golf jokes.

Bob had called everybody he knew about a game of golf but they were all busy. He was determined to play golf anyway, and he hated to play by himself. That's when he remembered Johnny. Johnny had dropped out of high school, been in prison for drug charges, and now ran an auto repair shop. Johnny wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak.

Bob called up Johnny who said things were slow today and he was going fishing, but he'd play golf with Bob, but he'd never played before. Bob said that was OK, he'd rent a set of clubs, and teach Johnny the basics.

Johnny's first shot was a horrible slice that bounced off a tree, hit the windshield of a passing car, and caused a four-car pileup.

Bob was aghast: "What are we gonna do now!?"

Johnny was studying his club. "Well, maybe I was gripping the dang thing wrong. I told you I'd never played before...." :D

[blondeatheart]

i don't get it

[ClaesGefvenberg]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

The husband confidently says, "I want the house."

The wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car veers towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies, in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says. "Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles and says:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. The airbag!

/Claes

[cuppajoe_9]

A chicken walks into a bar and explodes.
___

What's the difference between a duck?

Because a snake has no armpits!
___

An Irishman, and Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, so the Rabbi says to the minister, "I think we're in the wrong joke".
___

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Green, but only if the girrafe is waving headphones at a piano.
___

How many members of an ethnic group does it take to change a lightbulb?

X, 1 to change the lightbulb and X-1 to act in a manner associated with a negative sterotype of that group.

[tainaprincess]

Finally, a technical explanation of the essence of women that most male engineers can understand and identify with.

http://i6.tinypic.com/14io000.jpg

http://i5.tinypic.com/14io5yf.jpg

http://i5.tinypic.com/14io6bm.jpg

http://i6.tinypic.com/14io6l4.jpg

[SmokeBellew]

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Eleven ! One will change it and the rest 10 will discuss how better and faster they can do it.

-----------------------------------------------------
sorry, it was a retarded joke. lead guitarists will understand it though.

[Pendragon]

A blonde, a redhed, and a brunette all jumped from the Empire State Building at the same time. According to the laws of physics, all should have hit the ground at about the same time. However, the blonde was more than ten minutes late. She had to go back and ask directions! http://www.cosgan.de/images/midi/liebe/f020.gif

[Virgil]

Study by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected at this time.

[RobinHood3000]

I would highly recommend that UCLA double-check its sprinkler systems and bomb shelter foundations at this time.

[Shea]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to
80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he
had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view
mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him . . no problem!" thought the
elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110,
then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth
am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled
over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper
to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the
driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch, and
said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[Virgil]

Good one Shea! Here's another:


OLE AND LENA
>
> Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
> buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
> tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but
> misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
> banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
> whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
> painful.
>
> Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
> in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
> He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
> Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
> now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the
> morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena
> staring at him from across the room.
>
> She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
>
> Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
>
> "Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
> broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
> trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly
> .... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

[Madhuri]

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students


:lol: :lol:

I like this one, was never very fond of the subject or the teacher. :D

[Virgil]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was
too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch
became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result...The judges
not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded
him the "Pulletsurprise"as well.

...Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but
a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[Virgil]

I got another today.

Elephant's Memory - A Touching Story


In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The
elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Virgil]

Actually this sounds like one of Robin's stories.


Being a Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles
to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order,
so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38 cents
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

[Taliesin]

Seven miracles of the Soviet times:

*There is no unemployment, but nobody works.
*Nobody works, but plan gets filled
*Plan gets filled, but shops are empty
*Shops are empty, but there are queues everywhere
*There are queues everywhere, but we are on the sill of prosperity.
*We are on the sill of prosperity, but nobody is content
*Nobody is content, but everyone votes for.

[kilted exile]

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him.

She asks, "Would you like some food? "The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.

When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

[RobinHood3000]

Hahaha...reminds me of all the naked mermaids I encountered in my travels.

[Jean-Baptiste]

This is my favorite joke, pun actually; I have never had anyone actually laugh when I tell it, but if I could I would line everyone in the world up and tell it to them one by one, and I'd laugh every time. It's from a book from the late nineteenth century, and I found it through reading "Ulysses" (Mr. Bloom thinks about the punch line while he's eating lunch.)

Why should no man starve in the deserts of Arabia?

Because of the sand which is there.

How came the sandwiches there?

The tribe of Ham was bred there and mustered.

:lol:

[kilted exile]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his backside was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[Virgil]

This is my favorite joke, pun actually; I have never had anyone actually laugh when I tell it, but if I could I would line everyone in the world up and tell it to them one by one, and I'd laugh every time. It's from a book from the late nineteenth century, and I found it through reading "Ulysses" (Mr. Bloom thinks about the punch line while he's eating lunch.)

Why should no man starve in the deserts of Arabia?

Because of the sand which is there.

How came the sandwiches there?

The tribe of Ham was bred there and mustered.

:lol:

I laughed. :lol: I don't remember reading it in Ulysses, but it's something Joyce would do.

[Virgil]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his backside was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

I almost posted this very joke Kilt a while back. I'm glad you did. It's very visually funny.

[muhsin]

In your life, there must be some scenes, pictures, stories, etc that definitely make you laugh, isn't it? If yes, why not to share them here, so we can have sheer laugher, which my ancient people are refering as better than crying for any purpose.

Well, I too have much of that. Unluckily, I now can't remeber any as I'm a bit angered by my lecturer who disappointed us and refused coming for lecture.

By the way. I'm quite thinking or thread like this had once been posted in this forum. But, I have never come across it that's why......ok?
:crash:

[subterranean]

I remember creating a thread in the games subforum with title "funny pictures of the day" :). There are a number of hillarious piccies there.

[trismegistus]

This makes me laugh:

[muhsin]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING

[muhsin]

This makes me laugh:

So it does to me. Lol:lol:

[Laindessiel]

Hey Muhsin, THAT was chuckle-inducing!

And that was hilarious, Trismegistus! :lol: Kinda like when Neville Longbottom imagined Snape wearing his Gramma's usual clothing!

[Laindessiel]

More hilarity!!!

[Nightshade]

:lol: the last one is a bit mean though landi...

[Nightshade]

found this

[img=http://thumb17.webshots.net/t/60/60/7/33/3/2404733030066473597ODOdpN_th.jpg] (http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2404733030066473597ODOdpN)

[Goodfella]

Hey Muhsin, THAT was chuckle-inducing!

And that was hilarious, Trismegistus! :lol: Kinda like when Neville Longbottom imagined Snape wearing his Gramma's usual clothing!

Lol; even Laindessiel's avarta deserves to be laughed at but a bit frightenen....Isn't that true my people.

[Goodfella]

More hilarity!!!

Where can I get such pics? They are real funny stuff.
Pls. give me the link.

[dramasnot6]

i just loved this article
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/23/AR2006082301584.html

[dramasnot6]

found this

[img=http://thumb17.webshots.net/t/60/60/7/33/3/2404733030066473597ODOdpN_th.jpg] (http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2404733030066473597ODOdpN)

:lol: love it! i feel like that sometimes

[muhsin]

Hey Muhsin, THAT was chuckle-inducing!

And that was hilarious, Trismegistus! :lol: Kinda like when Neville Longbottom imagined Snape wearing his Gramma's usual clothing!

I hope you do it briefly...Great!

More hilarity!!!

What a laughable cartoons? Hope I'll see much of that.

[muhsin]

found this

[img=http://thumb17.webshots.net/t/60/60/7/33/3/2404733030066473597ODOdpN_th.jpg] (http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2404733030066473597ODOdpN)


i just loved this article
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/23/AR2006082301584.html

Two wonderful stuff.
Nightshade, help him to escape I beg. Lol:)

[Goodfella]

A man goes into a Library and asks the Librarian
"Can you lend me a book on how to commit suicide?"
The librarian replies
" No chance. You wouldn't bring it back

[muhsin]

I got this one its called GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.:)

[Laindessiel]

:lol: the last one is a bit mean though landi...

Yeeeh...in my country, those creatures are called "tyanak" (pronounced as CHA-nak). That picture reminds me of Neil Gaiman's short story entitled Babycakes. Quite horrifying! :cold:


Lol; even Laindessiel's avarta deserves to be laughed at but a bit frightenen....Isn't that true my people.

Heya there my Goodfella! My previous avatar was a lovely mortal. But now, I can say that he's still lovely, only he's been immortalized. My mischievous little brother made fun of it using the Paint. Oh my poor prince!


Where can I get such pics? They are real funny stuff.
Pls. give me the link.

Sorry friend! Those images were just forwarded to me by a friend through mail. But I'll try to get pics that will cause your stomach to ache, don't worry... :D


I hope you do it briefly...Great!
What a laughable cartoons? Hope I'll see much of that.

I reckon that Toni already posted some of them in the Joke thread, but anyhow...here's some:

[muhsin]

Laindessiel, where on God's earth are you getting such pics? They are whollly wonderful. Keep it up!
hahahahah!!!

[miss tenderness]

hope this will make u laugh,Muhsin:
http://www.br2h.com/up/uploads/77a4470919.jpg (http://www.br2h.com/up)

[Therapy?]

Nice one.....?

[byquist]

You'd have to be familiar with the film, "Enemy of the State." But, late in the film a gigantic building blows up and Will Smith asks Gene Hackman, "why did it blow up?" to which Hackman immediately says, "Because you made a phone call!" In the context of the film that line is a gas and Hackman says it just right.

[trismegistus]

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.:)

Ouch.

And I say again: Ouch.

[muhsin]

hope this will make u laugh,Muhsin:
http://www.br2h.com/up/uploads/77a4470919.jpg (http://www.br2h.com/up)
Gosh! Miss T. It really made, and its still making me.....keep it up.

Full of STDs?
Well I don't mean that. Go back and re-read it for better understanding. By the way, why think of Africa in such regard-Full of STDs?

You'd have to be familiar with the film, "Enemy of the State." But, late in the film a gigantic building blows up and Will Smith asks Gene Hackman, "why did it blow up?" to which Hackman immediately says, "Because you made a phone call!" In the context of the film that line is a gas and Hackman says it just right.
I'll soon get it for more laughter dear.


Ouch.

And I say again: Ouch.

Clarify please.....:crash:

[Madhuri]

If you Don’t Eat Junk food, Don’t Smoke, Don’t Drink, Don't Have boy Friend/Gal Friend, Don't Play Cards, No Late Nights; Then Visit Our site: forwhatwereyouborn.com :rolleyes: :D

[Therapy?]

Gosh! Miss T. It really made, and its still making me.....keep it up.

Well I don't mean that. Go back and re-read it for better understanding. By the way, why think of Africa in such regard-Full of STDs?

I'll soon get it for more laughter dear.



Clarify please.....:crash:

Dear muhsin,
Sorry I offended you, obviously I meant it only as a joke.

[Laindessiel]

Just wondering...

Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why does the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the tim eo fthe day with the slowest traffic called a rush hour?
Why do British singers suddenly lose their accents when they sing?

[Laindessiel]

A priest was talking to a nun, and he saw that her belly was getting bigger, and he made a comment about it.
She replied to him that it was just a little gas.
A couple of months later, he ran into her again. This time, her belly was really big.
She just patted her belly and said, "Just a little gas."
Two months went by and he came across the nun again. She was pushing a baby carriage.
The priest bent down and looked into the carriage and said, "Cute little fart, isn't he?"

[Laindessiel]

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbedit, lo and behold, a genie appeared!

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a politician's genie. That means for every wish you make, every politician in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."

The man though about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly, the genie gave hima Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every politician in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.

"Ive always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."

Instantly, a Ferrari appeaed. "But every politician in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," the man said, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

[Laindessiel]

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On the way throught he cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Ofcourse not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said "Here lies a politician and an honest man."

[Laindessiel]

Steward: Are you done?
Passenger: No, I'm Juan.
Steward: I mean, are you finished?
Passenger: No, I'm Filipino.
Steward: I mean, are you through?
Passenger: What do you think of me, false?

[Laindessiel]

"The sun revolves around the sun."
- Almost everyone, before Galileo invented the telescope.

"The earth is flat."
- Almost everyone alive before Columbus' voyage

"Radio has no future; heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
- Lord Kelvin, 1894

"Man will not fly for another 50 years."
- Wilbur Wright, 1901

"China is a big country with a lot of Chinese people living in there."
- Charles de Gaulle, fromer French President

"I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the Miss Universe contest 1994

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

"Go see it for yourself why you shouldn't go see it."
- Samuel Goldwyn, Hollywod producer

[Laindessiel]

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears

"In an action film, you act in the action. In a drama, you act in the drama."
- Jean-Claude Van Damme

"You know one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say."
- Bill Clinton

"Whenever I watch T.V. and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I would love to be skinny and all that but not with all those flies and death and stuff!"
- Mariah Carey

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon

"I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time."
- Mariah Carey,on hearing of the death of the King of Jordan

"To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from God."
- Celine Dion

[Pensive]

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbedit, lo and behold, a genie appeared!

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a politician's genie. That means for every wish you make, every politician in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."

The man though about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly, the genie gave hima Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every politician in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.

"Ive always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."

Instantly, a Ferrari appeaed. "But every politician in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," the man said, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

:lol:

.....

[OZEED]

I really needed to laugh today.
Thanks

[muhsin]

Dear muhsin,
Sorry I offended you, obviously I meant it only as a joke.

Do you speak Arabic?

Sorry, I just miscalculated you.
No, I don't. Why did you ask? My avarta? I'm only a Muslim that's why I like it.

[muhsin]

I really needed to laugh today.
Thanks
Am pleased to hear that.

[muhsin]

If you Don’t Eat Junk food, Don’t Smoke, Don’t Drink, Don't Have boy Friend/Gal Friend, Don't Play Cards, No Late Nights; Then Visit Our site: forwhatwereyouborn.com :rolleyes: :D
Thanks for the link great Maddie.

Just wondering...

Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why does the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the tim eo fthe day with the slowest traffic called a rush hour?
Why do British singers suddenly lose their accents when they sing?
We're waiting for clarification. I see you are English.:idea: :)

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On the way throught he cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Ofcourse not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
The girl really asked a good question. How do you see it? Honest=1 and Politician=1. Thus 1+1=2:) :idea:


Steward: Are you done?
Passenger: No, I'm Juan.
Steward: I mean, are you finished?
Passenger: No, I'm Filipino.
Steward: I mean, are you through?
Passenger: What do you think of me, false?

A good 'talented' Passenger.:crash:

What a great funny fella you are? Keep posting! More grease to your elbow.:thumbs_up

[Laindessiel]

We're waiting for clarification. I see you are English.:idea: :)

Although it doesn't hurt to have a double-citizenship, I'm like that guy in the joke. A Filipino! Proud to be! But not in the sense that I'm as dull-witted as he is. :p


What a great funny fella you are? Keep posting! More grease to your elbow.:thumbs_up

I like to laugh!!! Although I hate sliming my elbows with grease....:p And I try to keep my elbows off the butter dish. :p

[alhara]

This is a true story and I found it funny but I don´t know if you will, it might depress you. Lets give it a go.

I was at the airport looking out the window when I can across a very large grey sign. There was nothing above or below the sign. The had a green arrow the arrow was pointing up. Now heres the funny part underneath the sign in slightly darker grey letters were two letter U and P. Chew on that, some people take longer than others. I´ll wait

ok if anyone ever looks back at this it´s not a joke its a story and funny to some the sign is pointing up at an airport at the sky at nothing and all it says is up. its like they need a sign so people know where they are going

it is reminisnt of hg2g humor like th edirections a packet of tooth picks why do you need directions it´s funny not because of a play on words but because it is an absurd situation

[Laindessiel]

In this case, I am that SOME PEOPLE, Alhara. Can't swallow it. *tries hard* And I'm a good joke listener!

Hey, congrats on your hundredth post!

[dramasnot6]

I FOUND A PARODY OF "THE RAVEN"!!!! it is hilarious

http://www.joot.com/dave/writings/raven/troubled.html

[kilted exile]

Ok I think I may have posted this joke elsewhere, but I'm too lazy to check so I'm posting it here.

Once upon a time there was a rich Lord in Britain. It was the custom at the time to get a portrait painted of your wife, so the lord decides this would be his chance to show off to the surrounding nobility. He starts thinking & then decides that he's heard of a few Dutch painters so he decides to bring one over to paint the picture.

The artist arrives and is introduced to the Lord's wife, after his wife leaves he turns to the painter and says "Look as you can see my wife isnt the prettiest woman in the world, in fact you could say she is downright ugly. So I'd like you to paint her with sympathy" The artist agrees and goes of to do the portrait.

A month later the portrait is due to be unveilled and the lord gathers a collection of the neighbouring Lords & Ladies. When the curtain is pulled off, the Lord is surprised to see a painting of the village blacksmith with his hand down his wife's top.

He pulls the lord to the side and says "Whats this? I wanted a sympathetic portrait of my wife, and you pain this?" The artist replies "Ah, now I no speak english very gut, so I look up sympathy in your dictionary. Sympathy: A strong fellow, feeling in the bosom"

:)

[Virgil]

That is hilariious, Kilt. I had a good laugh. :lol:

[kilted exile]

Yes it was told to me by my Organic Chemistry Prof when I was at Glasgow University and still had visions of becoming an immunologist (would have been something like 8yrs ago now - started Uni at 17) he also told me one about Computer Programmers, Bikes, and attractive naked women (but that one is not suitable for the forum) - he was also the reason I dropped out after 1 year.

[dramasnot6]

Some funny quotes about The Arts

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other.


The problem was his poetry, which was of the Naturalistic school
and leaned heavily on the S alliteration: "Sad, sorrow-sunk survivors
of a sadistic society, saturated with strong, stiff stench of
stifling strife..."


I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers
are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have
to explain what a writer is.
AHAHAHAHAH this was my favorite!!:lol: :lol:

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
"... the movie looks it was filmed by a rhesus monkey with a video camera. The
editing looks like it was performed by a rhesus monkey with a Cuisinart.
Apparently, if you're a rhesus monkey, you can really go places in Hollywood."


the television, that insidious beast, that Medusa which freezes
a billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly, that Siren
which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little...

- Ray Bradbury :D (is big Bradbury fan)


I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of
portraits by Picasso.


"The length of a film should be directly
related to the endurance of the human bladder." -Hitchhok

"Which painting in the National Gallery would I save
if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course."

-- George Bernard Shaw

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts
as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet."


"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and,
instead of bleeding, he sings."
-Ed Gardner

"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."

Louis Armstrong.

"I bought an audio cleaning tape. I'm a big fan of theirs."

[Goodfella]

You people wanna us go mad 'cus of laughter. Dramas.. your story is really hillarios. Keep the ball rolling.

[chasestalling]

muhsin,

may i be so bold to take credit if i retell one of your jokes/anecdotes. i wish i had one of my own to contribute, but i'm drawing a blank.

chasestalling

[B-Mental]

I've stolen this one from somewhere, but here goes...

A man walks in to his therapist's office and says, "Please help me! One minute I think I'm a teepee, and the next I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam. Teepee! Wigwam!"

The therapist replies, "Relax man! You're two tents."

This is funnier when the joke is verbal.

[muhsin]

muhsin,

may i be so bold to take credit if i retell one of your jokes/anecdotes. i wish i had one of my own to contribute, but i'm drawing a blank.

chasestalling

Yes, you surely can. Do it.
I too, some of 'em are just taken from somewhere.

[muhsin]

Here is a popular one:

A boy asked his father "Daddy, how was I born?" Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said You've Got Male

[B-Mental]

Here's one for the history buffs...

A farmer was sitting in his outhouse, when one of his children ran up and flipped the outhouse on its side and ran away. The farmer manages to get out of the outhouse, and calls his children to him. He asks, "Who tipped over the outhouse?'

None of the children answered. The farmer again asks his children, "Which one of you tipped over the outhouse?" Still none of the children would reply.

The farmer thought for a bit, and then told the children the story of George Washington and the Cherry Tree. "Do you children know who George Washington was?" The children all stared blankly. The farmer continued, "George Washington was a GREAT man! He was the first president of the United States. When George Washington was young he chopped down a cherry tree. His father asked who had chopped down the cherry tree, and George Washington said, "Father I cannot tell a lie. It was I." His father was so happy with George Washington's honesty that he didn't punish him. George Washington was a great man! I ask my children again, who tipped over the outhouse?"

The middle child shuffled his feet and said, "Father I cannot tell a lie. It was I."

The father dismissed the other children, and then proceeded to give a vigorous spanking to his middle child. When the spanking was over, the middle child with tears in his eyes asked, "Father, why did you punish me, when George Washington's father did not punish him?"

The father replied, "When George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, his father was not in the cherry tree!"

Ba-dum-bum

[Laindessiel]

Muhsin, that You've Got Male jokie was a laugh........:lol: :lol:

And Kilt's is as funny as I imagine him wearing a kilt...

[Virgil]

The father replied, "When George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, his father was not in the cherry tree!"

Ba-dum-bum

:sick: B-Mental, I think you need a new joke book. :p

[B-Mental]

lol
that was funnier than my joke

[Laindessiel]

Hey Muhsin, just went over your profile and what are you saying you're younger than me? I'm just seventeen! :) And by the way, very good-looking, huh..

Here's one joke:

A couple went to a restaurant for dinner:

Boy: What do you want to order, honey?
Girl : Anything you order is fine by me, teddy bear...
Boy: Alright then. Do you want beefsteak?
Girl : I had beef for lunch.
Boy: Eh chicken?
Girl : I had chicken last night.
Boy: Crab meat?
Girl : I'm allergic to crab.
Boy: Shrimp tempura?
Girl : I'm allergic to shrimp.
Boy: Tuna?
Girl : I don't eat tuna.
Boy: What about green salad?
Girl : Is that with Thousand Island dressing or vinaigrette?
Boy: Thousand Island.
Girl : Bleccchh!
Boy: Okay, what about vinaigrette?
Girl : I don't like vinaigrette either.

Fuming...

Boy: SO WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO EAT?!!!
Girl : It's up to you, my teddy bear...

[muhsin]

Do you really mean that Laind? I don't think I'm as good looking as one would announce.....Lol.

[Laindessiel]

'Course! Everybody's good-looking enough to be mentioned as such. :thumbs_up

[mir]

yeah - Muhsin, if the picture on your profile is you, you're quite handsome! ;)

and Lain, if the picture on YOUR profile is you, i think i'll go off and spend several hours in a closet raising my self-esteem back up. :p

Jokes: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown? If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

[muhsin]

Thanks so much. You two make me feel proud of myself not as I was feeling before in this Site. I like you! Mir&Lain.

[Laindessiel]

Mir if I was as smart as you are when I was your age, I think I'd be in college by now! ;)

And Muhsin, what did you feel before? Surely, not one living in a mole mound? :) Cheer up! :thumbs_up We love you here!!!

Here are some jokes:

[Laindessiel]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Laindessiel]

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once - or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

If the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

[Laindessiel]

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

9. You notice that the majority of grocery store shelf products come with a website somewhere on the label.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

[Laindessiel]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes! ?

[Laindessiel]

Top Ten Countdown

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN

[Laindessiel]

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

Okay?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)








First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





















Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.


Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, Okay?


Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?



(scroll down)





















Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?



Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.

What is the total?





Scroll down for answer.....


















Did you get 5000?


The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!







Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.......Maybe.





Fourth Question:



Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?




















Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:


A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.


Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?





















He just has to open his mouth and ask ... It's really very simple ... Like you!











PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

[Laindessiel]

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St . Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test as it was".

St. Peter goes on."Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day.

St.Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- "which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking. But you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd , March 2nd . . . "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind . . but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

Without hesitation, Forrest replied, "Sure, its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song . .

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:
"Run Forrest, run!"

[muhsin]

Mir if I was as smart as you are when I was your age, I think I'd be in college by now! ;)

And Muhsin, what did you feel before? Surely, not one living in a mole mound? :) Cheer up! :thumbs_up We love you here!!!

Here are some jokes:

Fantastic!:thumbs_up

Lain, can I use some of your "laugh-laughter" posts in one of my other discussion forum?

[Pensive]

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St . Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test as it was".

St. Peter goes on."Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day.

St.Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- "which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking. But you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd , March 2nd . . . "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind . . but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

Without hesitation, Forrest replied, "Sure, its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song . .

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:
"Run Forrest, run!"

Oh dear Forrest Gump. He can be really smart sometimes. :lol: (Did you watch this movie, by the way, Lain? I loved it!)

[Laindessiel]

FAVORITE MOVIE, PENSE!!!! Every movie that Tom Hanks stars in is A CERTIFIED FAVORITE!

[toni]

Ways to Annoy People

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.


Muwahahahahahahaha!!!

[B-Mental]

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?




One, but the lightbulb has to "want" to change.

[Laindessiel]

Fantastic!:thumbs_up
Lain, can I use some of your "laugh-laughter" posts in one of my other discussion forum?

Thanks. Yeah sure you can! I just got them from somewhere anyways. :p

[muhsin]

I'm afraid or this one is beyond the Forum's rule. Here goes...

A man escapes from prison after serving time for 15 years. He breaks into a house searching for money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chaiir. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clodths! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."

[Virgil]

:lol: That is hilarious, Muhsin. :lol:

[muhsin]

:lol: That is hilarious, Muhsin. :lol:

Hahahahaha:lol:

[Laindessiel]

Yikes, Muhsin...But it is rather hilarious...:D

[kilted exile]

And Kilt's is as funny as I imagine him wearing a kilt...

Confused: Is something particularly funny about kilts? (other than when I do a keg stand whilst wearing one)

[thevintagepiper]

How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb?



...one; they just hold it and the world revolves around them :D