Lymerick

[YesNo]

On Easter He rose from the dead
Fulfilling what old prophets said.
Although Dawkins might doubt,
There is no need to pout.
Be happy, not fearful, instead.

[Sancho]

There once was a fellow from Galilee
Who promoted a unique philosophy
He said it's not weak
To turn the other cheek
And turning water to wine was his propensity

[Sancho]

I'm willing to bet good money that we were the only site on the entire web that was writing Jesus limericks yesterday.

[Emil Miller]

I'm willing to bet good money that we were the only site on the entire web that was writing Jesus limericks yesterday.

As Easter is still with us, I think another one would be appropriate.

Could there ever be anything slicker
Than a silver-tongued Anglican vicar
Or something as funny
As an egg-laying bunny
Or a 'Jesus Loves You' bumper sticker?

http://imgur.com/E0VRPyb

[Sancho]

Nice one, Emil.
Okay, so, back to sillier pursuits:


There once was a man who thought tweeting was GR8
For the English language though what is the fate?
2B or not 2B?
He said OMG!
BTW with 140 characters it limits what you CRE8


(I wanted to try one in text language. I think I got the character-count right)

[YesNo]

As a twitter he rather would tweet
Whether standing or slouched in some seat.
Even nights spent in bed
With his girl tweets were read
Till the day they might physically meet.



(That took 143 characters, not counting the spaces. If I were a computer, I would probably count the spaces as well, so 178 characters.)

[Sancho]

While the young man thought tweeting was GR8
A tech savvy genius, evidently El Sancho ain't
The 140 character limit
Has spaces in it
Must be a malfunction in Sancho's mental state

(No doubt about it)

[YesNo]

It's a mystery why people tweet,
Being brief and concise and complete.
All I'd say, though, is 'K',
Yeah, babe, have it your way.
With one character, that's short and sweet.

[Emil Miller]

I've never sent a 'tweet ' as I've no desire to do so and here's why:

When people send off a tweet
The tweet is dispatched quite tout suite
But why do they text it
Like someone dyslexic
Who has typed it out with his feet?

[YesNo]

There once was a monster named Mo
Who was lonely like most monsters, though
He would tweet like a beast
And prepare Belle a feast,
But she tweeted that she dare not go.

[Sancho]

Jim sent a text seeking a date with his girl Jane
Jane texted back suggesting the pub down on Main
Let's meet at Eight
But Jim was late
'Cos he had a digital watch but an analog brain

[YesNo]

An analog brain is a drag.
Like a tail overweight, it won't wag.
Like a wish to get there
Matched with, "Hey, I don't care!",
Like a babe who wants out of the bag.

[Sancho]

A fine young lass sitting on a log checking her watch
Along came a strange fellow scratching his crotch
He sat down beside her
She said pardon me sir
But aren't you the one they refer to as The Sasquatch

[YesNo]

While Sasquatch was sipping a brew,
A lady came up to him, "You!
You're the father, you cad!"
Was that good? Was that bad?
Sasquatch thought now the world can have two.

[Sancho]

At the delivery Granny's head nearly burst
The baby was abnormal and certainly cursed
The birth wasn't easy
The midwife got queasy
Baby Sas' popped out ugly, furry, and big-feet first

[YesNo]

Furry Sasquatch was now a proud dad.
Though this ticked off the grandma a tad,
His fine wife was a dream
Having learned not to scream
Except when they're in bed, or just bad.

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

A Sasquatch intermission.
Some of you might recall the 2010 Cold Ale Blokes Christmas play...


http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?58324-A-Blokey-Christmas-Play&highlight=

[YesNo]

That was a nice Christmas play. As I think about it, the Flat Earth Poets Society is a great name for a group.

[prendrelemick]

A lisping God of yore
trapped himself in the door
The end of his knob
began to throb
And he cried "I am Thor."

or

A lisping young god of yore
sunbathed in the nude out of door
Till the end of his member
glowed like an ember
and he cried "I am Thor".

so many words to choose

A lisping young god of yore
went to sunbathe in the raw
His lesson he learnt
his willy he burnt
And he cried out "I'm Thor."

[mal4mac]

Coetzee, ambivalent about cricket,
Thinks reading a book more the ticket,
Caught watching a test match,
Hurls his TV, shouts, "Catch!",
Auster ducks, and it lands in a thicket.

[YesNo]

Playing cricket's a fine thing to do.
Getting burnt at the beach is nice, too,
But what Sasquatch can't figure
If his brain is bigger
Why he's the one fit for a zoo?

[colb2]

When my time came near
The road became clear
Veer into life
Steer away from strife
Knife away all fear

[YesNo]

Two hunters saw Sasquatch appear
With his wife and his baby both near.
Before they could fire
Granny said, "I'll aim higher
If you shoot anyone around here."


Welcome, colb2! Nice limerick. I tried to use some of your rhyme words.

[colb2]

Used your rhyme pattern and stuck with topic :-)

I held in hand a very big spear
In the yard drinking a beer
While keeping warm by the bonfire
Seen a monster climb the barbed wire
Yes, off I ran in high gear!

[Sancho]

Upon Baby 'Sas the fine young lass did certainly dote
Even though his baby shoes were the size of a boat
The town folk were aghast
Puzzling questions amassed
Such as at age eighteen should he be allowed to vote

[YesNo]

Although monsters are scary, they could
Be an alternate boyfriend, but would
You excuse their rich smell?
Resist urges to yell?
They do bite, if you bite them first good.

[YesNo]

The campaign wants to take it to court.
Civil liberties have come up short.
"Let him vote! Let him drink!
Let him work! Let him stink!
Do you think he is just good for sport?"

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in1eK3x1PBI

[Sancho]

The Supreme Court waited to hear arguments
The ACLU had filed the legal documents
Justice Breyer was opposed
Justice Thomas just dozed
And Sasquatch was released on his own recognizance

[colb2]

When words escaped thought
I became overwrought
Letters all mixed
The mind transfixed
Poetry's what I sought

[Sancho]

With all due respect to poets I have a complaint
Their language so obscure they need a patron saint
St. David of Wales
Said faith prevails
And while limericks is fun but poetry they ain't

(I learned from the americancatholic.org website that the patron saint of poets is St. David of Wales, b 500AD. They also had a Saint-O-the-day app for your iPhone. Strange but true.)

[YesNo]

Saint David of Wales wondered, How?.
Sasquatch bragged, after taking a bow,
"I'm a writer of verse
And to make matters worse,
I'll recite all my verses right now."

[Sancho]

There once was a big-footed bard
Whose poems were most avant-garde
He sang of the forest
And the brontosaurus
Yet others thought him a retard

[YesNo]

He's a retard as everyone knows
And his poetry reads like bad prose
Full of angst and despair.
Let the reader beware,
But we hope he'd just put on some clothes.

[Sancho]

The muse Sasquatch danced the fandango
Whilst accompanying himself on banjo
He's a poet
Don't he know it
Wild and free and going commando

[YesNo]

Though his muse thinks that Sasquatch is cute,
There are some who think he's fit to shoot.
Does his wife ever care
With that muse always there?
If he's messing, she'll give him the boot.

[mal4mac]

There was a young fellow, Portnoy
Who was told to go play with his toy
"Not that!" said his mum
"Stop beating your drum!"
Lesson: metaphors don't work on the boy.

Kundera thought: "Sex sells better than tanks.
A Czech Don Juan, that's money in the bank!
Not so much the Prague spring
More 'my ding-a-ling-a-ling'
I'll call it, 'The Unbearable Lightness of Spanks!'"

[Emil Miller]

A young German seeking some solace
Sought a book of the Odes penned by Horace
But he took down a book
And said with one look
'Ach mein Gott! Nicht Dave Foster Wallace.'

[Sancho]

There was a young lady named Margot
Who despised the cold up in Fargo
She'd be in Havana
A warm beach cabana
Except for the Cuban embargo

[YesNo]

Steamy sex is a wonderful thing.
Busy bees giving honey can sting
Like a wife who finds out
Then goes out and about
Getting hers in a steamier fling.

[colb2]

One day while at work
Working for a jerk
Jerking wrath I keep
Keeping fast a sleep
Sleeping with a smirk

[Emil Miller]

Here's a famous one that betrays its age by referencing the actor Gerald Du Maurier and bandleader Jack Payne:

There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier
As well as Jack Payne
And Sir Gerald again
And the band from the Waldorf Astoria.

[Sancho]

^good one, Emil.
Here's one that'll play out on June 7th in New York:

There once was a horse that was reddish-brown
Who was fastest of all at Churchill Downs
Used a nasal strip
Not a jockey's whip
With any luck he'll win the triple crown

[Emil Miller]

Though postmoderns' try to invite us
But rarely do they incite us
To read all those novels
Where each author grovels
At the altar of obscure detritus

[mal4mac]

Rocinante got it on with a pony
Deaf to the pleas of Quixote
The owners beat them
"Don't do it again!"
But Rocinante ignored them, he's horny

[mal4mac]

The spy who came in from the cold
Was met by his girlfriend, we're told
"It's smaller than a winkle!"
She said, as he tinkled,
And gave her his MR to hold

[YesNo]

There once was a dragon of old
Who was hot but left fair maidens cold.
They preferred a tall knight
With a steed do them right
Than a beast popping pills to get bold.

[Sancho]

There was an old chap with a major malfunction
His wife only smiled at his awkward compunction
Had love in his eye
But his pepe was shy
His affliction it's said was erectile dysfunction

[prendrelemick]

BUT ALL WAS NOT LOST.

So his wife then sat on his knee
And whispered "I'll stiffen your tree
Just take this blue pill
It'll cure your ill
Though in your case you'd better take three"

[mal4mac]

There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would rhyme.
When asked who this was,
He replied "It's me, the poet,
That handsome young man from Tokyo."

This was inspired by:

There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He replied "It's because
I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as ever I possibly can."

MI5 file: XL878: Telegraphic message from "the east" 12/4/99:

I am a young man,
of Japan, now limited to
writing Haiku. I

On the same theme:

http://qrystal.name/a-limerick-haiku/

[Sancho]

There was a young guy from the island of Honshu
Who set out to write a limerick-based haiku
He wrote of Mount Fuji
Whilst eating some sushi
Once done he sat back to eat a slice of pie too

[YesNo]

Sweet geishas prefer
a haiku. A limerick
simply won't do. Their

tastes are extreme. In
bed, they're a dream. They get what
they want and me, too.

[mal4mac]

War Poem

An artist of the floating world
Greatly admired a geisha girl
His wife started a spat
When he went to her flat
Then it was goodbye to all that

[mal4mac]

Everyone's a critic

There was a young guy from the island of Honshu
Who set out to write a limerick-based haiku

But...

His lines were too lengthy,
Eating habits unhealthy,
And dramatic pauses aren't part of the stew.

[mal4mac]

What about a verse you can reverse, wikipedia suggests:

This limerick goes in reverse
Unless I'm remiss
The neat thing is this:
If you start from the bottom-most verse
The limerick's not any worse

Surely we can do better! (Can you really call a line a verse?) Here's a first feeble attempt:

Maybe start reading the last line
To the top, if that's your incline
To start in the middle is just fine
From whichever way that you climb
This limerick is just as divine.

[mal4mac]

Send up the Master

Ted Lear's limericks are very clean,
There's not a trace of the obscene;
This makes them very boring,
They'll soon have you snoring,
And suffering a nice, tedious dream

---------------------------------------------

Sorry Edward, here's an exception:

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

[mal4mac]

First and last

Edward Lear was a lazy old rhymer
Maybe he was writing to a timer?
First word your last, eh?
Come on, that's passé.
Edward Lear, you lazy old rhymer.

[mal4mac]

Old classic:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

--------------------------------------

The other side

There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who ran away with cash in a bucket.
Her dad, that famous man,
Asked, "Where is it Nan?"
She said, you've guessed it, "Nantucket."

That old bemused man from Nantucket
Asked, "Nantucket meaning None took it?"
Or, perhaps it's Nantucket?
Or, is it Nan took it?"
"Yes," said that cute girl from Nantucket.

[mal4mac]

The Bard gives up Botany

On deciding, "To be or not be a tree"
Would be better without the botany
The bard sat down and cried:
"No, my muse has not died!"
A conceit with which we'd all agree.

[YesNo]

There once was a lady from Dorking
Who loved it when guys went uncorking
Their bottled up lust
With a pop, bang and bust
To tick off her hubby from Dorking.

[mal4mac]

Was Lear a Corker?

On imitating the inimitable Lear
One should always remember he's queer,
So the guys don't go uncorking
With the Lady from Dorking -
For Lear the guys were corkers, I fear.

Happy New Lear

Mr Edward Lear has a new image today,
They say he's no longer sexy or gay;
Mars-Jones says, "Nonsense!
This all maketh no sense."
But, at least, his verse is here to stay.

Why do you write Limericks?

"Epilepsy derives from masturbation,"
Is a conceit that inspired a nation;
The fits punished bad boys,
So they stuck with their toys,
Writing nonsense verse for recreation

Edward's Diet

Edward's meat & two veg dropped off
After giving in to his need to boff
Like the Pobble without toes
He is happy without those
But doc can't do the old hold & cough.

Edward discovers Psychoanalysis

"In life, the greatest Evil done to me,
Excepting that done by my sib' C.,
Must last until the end,
To reason will not bend;
The solution, must be, a nice cup of tea"

The Female Academic praises Lear

"How pleasant to know Edward Lear,
Even though he's ill-tempered and queer.
His epilepsy's a drag,
And he's no money bag,
But at least he doesn't fondle and leer."

Lear repeats himself

Lear's use of that repeated rhyme,
Is oddly unsatisfying every time.
Thus sayeth the critic,
But don't be a critic,
A repeated rhyme isn't always a crime

Inspired by: http://www.theguardian.com/books/2001/nov/11/classics.highereducation

[YesNo]

Edward Lear had his problems, I'm sure,
But his worst wasn't that he's impure.
On the fifth line his rhyme
Matched the first all the time
And for that now there isn't a cure.

[prendrelemick]

Some of Lear's rhymes were shockers
So of course he had his knockers
From that time hence
He wrote nonsense
To annoy the critical fokkers.

[YesNo]

There once was a poet when caught
Re-reading what readers had bought
Dropping praise on his stuff,
Got perturbed, said, “Enough!”
What he wrote was not quite what he thought.

[Sancho]

There was a young Kurd from Erbil
Whose weekend was down right surreal
He had a near miss
While trapped by ISIS
From a shot fired by a schlemiel

[YesNo]

There once was a wonderful Woo
With nothing, no, nothing to do.
With a pin it was popped
And the wondering stopped
Till the Woo woke and wondered anew.

[YesNo]

There once was a lobster named Lou.
Some water was boiling near, too.
Though he knew less of fate
Than he knew how to wait
He was homesick for water more blue.

[Sancho]

In the deep blue sea lived a crustacean
With his bride he sought consummation
In the heat of the act
His claws did contract
Resulting in lady lobster bifurcation



-whoops

[YesNo]

Lou’s lady was lovely and Lou
Knew that lobsters do what lobsters do.
When she died in Lou’s bed.
“It’s his fault,” someone said,
“Lou got jealous and snipped her in two.”

[Sancho]

Lobster Lou feeling low down and blue
After cleaving Lady Lobster in two
It happened so quickly
Was horribly sickly
Now Lou is blue and his lady is stew

[YesNo]

Then Lou was picked up by sweet Joyce
Who teased him with her sexy voice,
“Would you like a last wish,
My beautiful fish?”
But do lobsters get any real choice?

[YesNo]

Then Lou was picked up by sweet Joyce
Who teased him with her sexy voice,
“Would you like a last wish,
My beautiful fish?”
But do lobsters get any real choice?

[Sancho]

Briny depths where odd creatures abound
The vast expanse can truly astound
Never to sleep
Ever so deep
More than sublime the sea is profound

[YesNo]

In the deep where the dark lost all blue
There's a mind with too little to do
But imagine a world
Into which it is hurled
With delight that the darkness is through.

[Mohammad Ahmad]

Deep and Dark by YesNo

In the deep where the dark lost all blue
There's a mind with too little to do
But imagine a world
Into which it is hurled
With delight that the darkness is through

Good and fantastic! I find it musical, it dances with me!


No and no but it is always so
Harmful as you know
As hatching birds, leave the eggs and go
Do we really wait a foe? And
What shall we do,
If life for a coward one will draw?

[YesNo]

Thanks, Mohammad Ahmad! I enjoyed yours as well on courage.

He's one about birds getting out of the nest, inspired by your poem:



Fear of Flying

There once was a bird in a nest
Who thought he’d give flying a test.
“Any monkey can fly,”
Thought the bird way up high.
So he tried and he flew like the rest.

[Sancho]

There once was a monkey way up in a tree
Who thought if birds can fly then why not me
He launched with a yell
But then he fell
Arms flappin', legs kickin', it never would be

[YesNo]

There once was a monkey who flew
In the sky way up high all he knew
Was he felt like a bird.
All the chirping he heard
Make him wake. Then his flying was through.

[Sancho]

Strange things afoot in the forest so high
The birds and the bees and monkeys that fly
Fez and a vest
You know the rest
Oh! lions and tigers and bears, Oh my!

[YesNo]

Ruby slippers are wonderfully red,
But Dorothy wonders instead
Why those monkeys can fly
And she can’t, “Why can’t I
Get that rainbow outside of my head?”

[Sancho]

There was a chap who met an early end
He prayed for up but instead did descend
An exclusive club
With Beelzebub
It turned out the devil was his best friend

[YesNo]

Down in hell where the poetry’s deep
Halloween is the way you can keep
Something else on your mind,
Let your demons unwind
Till the dawn tells your demons to sleep.

[Sancho]

Down he went through the circles of hell
A lonely church bell rang his death knell
Virgil his guide
Beatrice his bride
Always thinking, now ain't this just swell

[YesNo]

Deep in hell where the evil folk dwell
Beatrice thought she caught a foul smell
Like a fart, maybe worse.
Dante blushed, but his verse
Didn’t show what he’d rather not tell.

[Sancho]

Beatrice bid the two a quick farewell
When faced with Virgil's unholy smell
It was our flatus
That made her hate us
Said Virg' who had no choice but to expel

[YesNo]

Some ladies enjoy a fine fart
And giggle to please a man’s heart.
Beatrice wasn’t one.
When the farting was done
Even demons wished they could depart.

[Sancho]

Beautiful Beatrice bid them both cheerio
As Virg' and D' were tooting in stereo
The demons jaws clicked
And Hell's flames licked
A methane cloud that shot them to Purgatorio

[Hawkman]

The trouble with writing a limerick
Is that some people just can't deliver it
They stumble and fall
To their readership's gall
And just get it completely wrong at the end

[Hawkman]

The doctor who lives on the hill
Makes a living from making folk ill
Though he'll seldom admit
With his withering wit
That his skill with a pill doesn't thrill.

[Sancho]

Virg' and D' on their way to the rapture
Strained too much nearly causing a rupture
They spent all their time
Finding words that rhyme
Ne'er a worry about limerick structure

[Hawkman]

It is said, although seldom confirmed,
Dante's guide had to leave to be wormed
But the nematode's girth
Was the source of much mirth
Causing Virgil to scream as he squirmed

[Hawkman]

While out tilting at windmills one day
Don quixote was feeling quite gay
And said, "Sancho, come here,
You're really a dear,
Hold my lance and we'll dance on the way"

[Sancho]

Sancho thought hard on The Don's suggestion
Furling his brow attempting connection
A bit of a dullard
His face lightly colored
As Don's motives were called into question

[YesNo]

Don Quijote’s a sweet sort of guy
Looking up at the star-punctured sky.
Dulcinea was out.
Time to wander about,
Time to wonder where she went and why.

[Sancho]

The Knight, he pined for his sweet Dulcinea
He'd raised her as high as Ava Maria
But Sancho knew better
Was his job to vet her
And the girl of Don's dreams had gonorrhea

[YesNo]

The Don knew he wasn’t as good
As those younger and willing who could
Leave her begging for more,
But he’ll even the score
And defend her like only he would.

[Sancho]

Affairs of the heart a knight must obey
The chivalric code rules Don Quijoté
But Sancho's first love
None other above
His beast of burden named Donkey Joté

[Hawkman]

Dorotea was really quite miffed
When Ferdinand left her so stiffed
But faithful she stayed
Whilst remaining a maid
Though she led Don Quixote adrift.

[YesNo]

Who knows what that crafty Don did
In the mountains where they were well hid.
Dorotea arrived
And perhaps they both lied.
Could Ferdnando be raising their kid?

[YesNo]

There once was a limerick writer
Whose verse just got worse, but not lighter.
He bored children to sleep,
Drove their monsters to creep
Out the back since he was an all-nighter.

[Sancho]

There was a young fellow from Fargo
Who planned a trip to Key Largo
Directions were crossed
Got totally lost
But found himself in Chicargo

[YesNo]

In Fargo there was a fine lad
And a lassie who made the lad glad
Till she found someone new
Told the lad they were through
Then the judge when the good lad turned bad.

[Sancho]

There once was good lad gone bad
His lass had a new beau named Brad
Brad was a pugilist
The lad a recidivist
"Zounds," said Brad, "I think I've been had!"

[YesNo]

Two lovers make problems since they
Are too many. Just one needs to stay.
For his lady her knight
Should be ready to fight,
Guard her honor then take it away.

[Sancho]

Brad, no doubt, was a Tom Cat
The lad desired mortal combat
The lass was amused
The boys just got bruised
Then they sat down for a calm chat

[YesNo]

After fighting the lassie said, “Guys,
Please don’t fight. Take a look in my eyes
Or drop lower. Observe.
You could each score a curve--
But the winner’s fine, too, otherwise.”

[Sancho]

Brad and the lad were full of dismay
But couldn't reject the lass's soirée
Unnatural acts
The beast with three backs
Meant imbibing too much Beaujolais

[YesNo]

There once was a twosome then three
And then four and then five came to be.
Then came six and now seven.
Let’s skip to eleven.
It’s odd but it rhymes pleasantly.

[Sancho]

There was a young lad whose neck was thick
Numbers and figures were not his schtick
"1-2-3-4"
"UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS"
The extent of his arithmetic

[YesNo]

Counting is hard beyond ten
Since we run out of fingers and then
What will we do?
I don’t know about you,
But I will start over again.

[Pendragon]

There once was a man who cried"Whoa!
Trump is dumber than six tons of coal!
Each time he opens his mouth
His brain goes further south
Last sighted somewhere near the South Pole!

[YesNo]

There once was a sinner who said,
“They’re exhausting!” He’s staying in bed
While the heavenly day
With sweet bliss blows away
Leaving darkness to hold him instead.

[Sancho]

There once was a brute named Beelzebub
Who was badder than bad but still a schlub
His only goal
To steal your soul
He's half man, half beast, sporting a half chub

[YesNo]

The devil needs naughty for fuel
But an angel is nice as a rule.
When an angel is smoking
The devils start choking
Frustrated she’s no moron’s fool.

[Sancho]

There once was an angel Moroni
Who sprung from the loins of Nephi
The days were olden
The plates were golden
But it's a history I don't buy

[YesNo]

An angel is typically smart
And so cute you might dream she’s a tart.
A devil is not
Very different. He’s got
One defect you won’t miss should he fart.

[Sancho]

There once was a posse comitatus
'round the fire in a huge cloud of flatus
Their only means
The pork and beans
And thinking it's time for a hiatus

[Sancho]

There once was a goy from Dahlonega
Who went by the name of Veronica
She said this much
Merry Christmas
And to all, a most Happy Hanukkah

[YesNo]

Merry Christmas! Sweet Santa forgot
All the stuff on my list I ain’t got.
Even love! On my list!
At the bottom. He missed
Even love--not expecting a lot.

[Sancho]

There once was a candidate named Cruze
Who was certain that he could not loose
He's on the telly
With Megan Kelly
Demonstrating the art of the schmooze

[prendrelemick]

If Jeb bush wants people to clap
perhaps he shouldn't talk crap,
with G.W. as his mentor
he's a solid three percentor
And a long way from a victory lap.

[spikepipsqueak]

I think that I might like this place.
It seems that y'all make a space
To have you some fun,
And you don't scorn a pun
And nobody's right in your face.

[YesNo]

There once was a zombie who said,
“It’s fun with the lights out, undead.”
Not sentient? “No.”
Esurient? “So?
We’re hungry and like our meat red.”

Edit: After searching, it looks like someone beat me to the idea: http://zombieburgerdm.com/

[YesNo]

My brain has been eaten once more
And I don’t know what I’m browsing for,
But I simply won’t stop
Though my mind wants to pop
And the pixels pick nits till I’m sore.

[Sancho]

There once was a candidate named Trump
Who yelled and screamed while out on the stump
His hair was ambitious
And method seditious
His goal to make you the rich man's chump

[M4ngo]

On the porch at night I babble away to the moon
And then the world wakes up from their bedside tune
It's particularly amusing
Dawn and still confusing
Hold on to that thought, I might need to sleep soon

[Sancho]

There once was a candidate named Jeb!
Friend of Billy Yank and Johnny Reb
Brother of Dubya
How's that rub ya?
Cos the voters interest seemed to ebb

[Sancho]

^
I know...

Field Artillery

[Sancho]

Then of course there is Hillary
Object of fierce GOP pillory
Friend of Obama
So, who's yo mama?
In the end we'll prolly get Billary

[Sancho]

He's not worried about our nation's debts
Puts on a suit and gets the sweats
Not a chauvinist
A democratic socialist
Bu...Bu...Bu...Bernie and the Jets




*El Sancho listens to the classic rock station

[YesNo]

I think I will write myself in,
An American way to begin
To get more attention,
Although I won't mention
I hope I don’t actually win.

[Sancho]

My blood runs cold and my arse does pucker
My fellow Americans, don't be a sucker
Vote for Sancho
Not for Yesno
Because it's well known he is a pig ...

[YesNo]

My platform is solid and true:
Even pigs should be called people, too.
Sure, they do funny things
And the thought of them brings
Me to bacon, but what can I do?

[Sancho]

My opponent's platform is impractical
His claim of competence is laughable
Vote for Sancho
Not for YesNo
He has carnal knowledge of a farm animal

[YesNo]

Carnal knowledge one need not resist.
Everyone needs a someone they’ve kissed
And if they’ve more than one
Then that complicates fun.
Politicians calm people they’ve pissed.

[Sancho]

Then I propose an alliance
A ticket of mutual reliance
It'll require heart
A very dark art
Or at least a most strange science

[YesNo]

Bedfellows only want rest.
The kinkier stuff I like best:
On the floor, up the wall,
Upside down till they fall--
True love must be put to the test.

[Sancho]

There once was a fellow named Biddle
Whose favorite pastime was to diddle
He once opined
That he didn't mind
Being on top, bottom, or in the middle

[bounty]

hi everyone---im not too bad at limericks but I am thinking of trying to write some other forms of rhyming poetry. I was searching through a literature handbook I have and im convinced that overall, poetry can be pretty complicated and someone could probably get a four year degree in just that!

im wondering, along the lines of "I wanna walk before you make me run"---what a next easy step in the poem writing process might be? quatrains look doable.

[YesNo]

I like quatrains even better than limericks. Although they are constrained by four lines with varied meters and rhyme schemes, one can say a lot with few words.

They would work with any of the poetry contests here, perhaps, even the avant-garde one. Those contests are excuses to practice writing something using a prompt.

[Sancho]

I'll be the first to admit I don't get most poetry. I have a subscription to The New Yorker and read all the poems they print each week, but I'm usually left scratching my head - just sitting in my reading chair, with the furled-brow expression of a chimpanzee looking at a hydrostatic transmission.

At any rate, probably, a limerick is to a sonnet what a sea shanty is to a piano sonata.

A limerick is one for the masses
For folks of all types and classes
Not the best of us
But the rest of us
A chance to shine our collective asses

[YesNo]

Some poetry’s like a dog’s bone.
It’s best if you leave it alone
Or bury it deep
Lest it put you to sleep
Or worse make you read it and moan.

[YesNo]

The monster who’s under my bed
Runs mysterious dreams through my head,
Makes me wake up and yawn
But at dawn he is gone
Like a word thought but then left unsaid.

[DonMany]

I thought I might kick this off again. I am a poet and song writer but thought I might give it a go here.

I knew a girl from Ceduna
That liked eating canned Tuna
She died the other day
In a horrible way
But I'm really glad that I knew her.


Oh well, back to writing poetry. :)

[YesNo]

Nice one!

The tuna stuffed tight in that can
Could kill a respectable man
...

I may have to sleep on that one and see if something pops to mind in the morning.

[Sancho]

There once was a fellow from Philly
Who like to dress in things frilly
He went to a doc
Who cut off his ****
Now Billy from Philly goes by Lily

[YesNo]

The tuna stuffed tight in the can
Was restless to watch a new man.
Would he take a quick bite?
Swallow wine with delight?
Just one look from her--he’ll understand.

[Sancho]

There was young guy from Laguna
Who preferred fresh ahi tuna
Of fish in a can
He was not a fan
So he'd rather eat later than soon-ah

[YesNo]

It looks like we’re buried too deep.
Reality hints we’re asleep,
But we think we’re awake.
All the truth we can’t take
Makes us laugh since we’d rather not weep.

[Sancho]

That lymrick fails Sancho's cognition
It's a most convoluted rendition
It's gotta be art
Exceedingly smart
So let's just call it "The Human Condition"

[Jack of Hearts]

The things you are babbling about
are raising empirical doubts--
It's such a bum deal
(defining what's real)
if you keep pratting on count me out.

[Sancho]

At times verse is poorly unpacked
Its meaning made mostly abstract
Most loquacious
A school in Davis
Be careful yo mind don't get jacked

[YesNo]

Whether nonsense is nonsense or not
There’s a lot that I’m glad I forgot.
I’d remember the light
And the cool starry night
But my mind’s dumped into a robot.

[Jack of Hearts]

Are minds shaped and made just to crunch
Sums, or in thoughts, concepts bunch
I’d say it’s no matter
It leaves one unflattered
All Freshman year, went untouched :(

[YesNo]

It’s wonderful sleeping in late,
Let the mindlessness regurgitate.
It’s irrationally true.
And it’s reasonable, too,
Like some icing too sweet for a cake.

[Sancho]

I like to sleep late in the mornin'
And despite my doctor's warnin'
I boozed all night
Got into a fight
Now between my ears it's a-stormin'

[Jack of Hearts]

I do what the morning has done;
I follow the path of the sun.
Start from recline
then colors align
and I get up ‘til they’re gone.

[YesNo]

Reality has its own way
To suggest what was true yesterday
Won’t work in the morning.
Without any warning
The Sun shines and all is OK.

[YesNo]

Out there where the darkness feels deep,
But warmth penetrates, cease to weep.
Choose some thoughts flowing free.
They’ll engage easily
As the air’s fresh and guides one like sleep.

[Sancho]

There was a young fellow named Guido
Who put on his finest tuxedo
But despite his wishes
He sleeps with the fishes
His debts too deep at the casino

[YesNo]

As a fish Guido didn’t do better
Though his life was more slippery and wetter.
He gambled and lost
So again he was tossed
Since they like doing that to a debtor.

[Jack of Hearts]

I can't speak enough of old Guido,
so strong, had the heart of an eagle
Though twice born and fishy
He bounced up creek wishing
for swift flight and all accounts legal

[Sancho]

Guido wears concrete shoes for flotation
Though Tony and Sal weighed castration
Ain't no big cat
Just a dirty rat
Earned reward of omertà violation

[YesNo]

My memories of you are a spell.
I’d forget, but there’s more I would tell,
Repeating, recalling,
Rewording, re-falling,
Re-blessing till all turns out well.

[YesNo]

White blossoms display in the sky.
Their home sold. The market was high.
Like making fresh room
For some new phase of bloom
The wind blows. We wave them goodbye.

[Sancho]

There was a young gal from Brazil
Whose voice was grating and shrill
She lacked understanding
And yet was demanding
Then left with feelings most ill

[YesNo]

Breathing deeply will set yourself free.
And worry? It comes needlessly.
Although one got away
There’s a saying some say,
“There’s always more fish in the sea.”

[Danik 2016]

*****

[Danik 2016]

There was a young gal from Brazil
Whose voice was grating and shrill
She lacked understanding
And yet was demanding
Then left with feelings most ill
You ain't no Stinkah
There was a “young” gal from Brazil
And a man on a donkey uphill
She was demanding
Cause he lacked understanding
Then she laughed with feelings no ill!

Sancho, I hereby present this wondrous piece of English rhyme and metric (Sam Weller himself couldn´t have done better) and extend a conciliatory post!;)

[Sancho]

I once knew a gal from São Paulo
But the Portuguese Eu não falo
Long live playfulness
Down with hatefulness
And for a rhyme I will go how low?




I think my rhymes favor Dr Suess more than Sam Weller

[YesNo]

There once was a thoughtful, wise fish
Who thought it was better to wish
He became a mermaid
Than to find himself laid
Deep-fried on a fisherman’s dish.

[Sancho]

There once was a fish named Harry
Who tried his best to look scary
But he was too hasty
And the worm looked tasty
Just dangling there so contrary

[YesNo]

While a worm writhes in pain on a hook
There are fish who’ll stop by for a look
And then one of them may
Choose to go all the way:
Free the worm and get sent to the cook.

[Sancho]

There once was an earthworm named Dane
Who was on a hook, writhing in pain
Ain't that a B'
Sucks to be he
Down at his end of the food chain

[YesNo]

From the food chain it’s fun to be free.
I would eat anything I might see.
In my mouth it all flows.
Out the back it all goes
Till the worms work their magic on me.

[Danik 2016]

Worm tragedy
One day the worm was so ill
Neither hunger nor thirst did he feel
He lay on his bed
Until he was dead
He was buried at his will under a hill.

[Sancho]

There once an idea called "food chain"
In its own way hubristically profane
What we've got here
It's really quite clear
Is the complete circle of life, it's plain

[YesNo]

There once was a worm who asked why
On a hook in a brook he must die?
That’s a bad way to go
With those fish down below,
But I’m glad it was he and not I.

[Sancho]

There was a young fellow named Arty
Who when to a Mexican party
Bean and cheese tacos
Chile bean nachos
He left when the air got too farty

[YesNo]

A fart is a wonderful thing.
The air freshly tainted could bring
A thought to my nose
Since a fart’s not a rose
And a rose makes a nose want to sing.

[YesNo]

Each breath comes in quest of some grail
With faith that the quest will not fail.
With passion unfurled
The warm, waiting world
Will beat with each breath we inhale.

[Sancho]

There once was a fellow named Lou
Who was feeling low down and blue
His girlfriend Kim
Went and dumped him
'Cos much wind breakage he liked to do

[YesNo]

Lou and Kim were a wonderful pair
Until Kim found a new guy somewhere.
So she blamed Lou for this
And for that, but the kiss
Of a new guy left Lou dumped out there.

[johnnybloom]

My effort....

There once was a man called Bloom,
Whose story you've all read, I assume,
I'll give it a shot,
And I'll read the lot,
Before I end up in my tomb.


Hope you enjoy.

[YesNo]

Nice one, johnnybloom. And welcome! I hope to read more.

[YesNo]

You might think I am thinking. I’m not.
That last sentence I said, I forgot.
And the present one, too,
Will be shipped out still new
Like the next when I get off the pot.

[YesNo]

Should we feel we are lonely recall
Painful separateness feels like a fall.
We’ve our mothers to love,
Down here or above,
And a navel that links us to all.

[johnnybloom]

Hi, and thanks. Here's another.....

There's a member here called YesNo,
Whose real name we just do not know,
He comes and he goes,
As everyone knows,
So we'll just have to call him John Dough.
Cheers 😁

[YesNo]

Thank you! I am honored. I see you have a motorcycle. I used to have a scooter. Not quite the same thing as a motorcycle.

----------------------

I once had a scooter that was
Very nice and I loved it because
I could park it on grass
And it ran good on gas
But my youth went as youthfulness does.

[YesNo]

I just found out that today, May 12th, is National Limerick Day: https://mindandlifematters.wordpress.com/2016/05/12/national-limerick-day-2016/

I could not find out which nation is celebrating the limerick, but perhaps it doesn't matter.

[Danik 2016]

Apropos Limerick day a shy question from a non native: do you spell the word "Limerick", "Lymerick" or are the both possibilities correct?

[YesNo]

I have only seen it spelled "Lymerick" as the title of this thread. Usually people write "limerick". I assume "lymerick" is an amusing typo.

[Danik 2016]

Thanks, Yes/No. I shall adere to limerick. :)

[Sancho]

There once was a fellow named Duke
He surfed and swam and played the uke'
Up on the north shore
Stuff of Hawaiian lore
Rode waves that'd make a grown man puke

[YesNo]

Water is deep, blue and wet
And surfing allows one to get
Quite close to the stuff
Until one’s had enough
When the sunburn is ready to set.

[YesNo]

Friday’s the end of the week
And the thirteenth as Friday seems bleak,
But I didn’t know
It’s the thirteenth and so
Nothing happened. My monsters stayed meek.

[YesNo]

To envy what others have got
Keeps me measuring me at each spot
Where I sense some regret.
I would rather forget
What I lack since it’s likely a lot.

[Sancho]

There once was a Sioux named Crazy Horse
Whom to the res' the army couldn't force
Had Custer's scorn
But at Little Big Horn
The Chief carved the Colonel into fourths

[YesNo]

In the morning the sun turns up bright
Through the noon opened eyes feel delight.
As the colors caress
To enchant and to bless
They will merge with the star-calming night.

[Sancho]

There once was a young doughboy
Who left home and hearth to deploy
Caught in the draft
He got the shaft
Neigh King nor Duke but of the hoi polloi

[YesNo]

In memory of those who have died--
Politicians too often have lied--
We will have a parade.
Chase out demons. They’re paid
By the grave and by tears mothers cried.

[Sancho]

There once was a great fighter ace
Who put in his sites a lowly dogface
The pilot he missed
The soldier got pissed
And fired one skyward for the ace to race

[YesNo]

The Ace caught them both when they strayed.
The Jack--Oh! That Jack!--how he played
With the Queen while the King
Was off warmongering
And the Ace bribed them both and they paid.

[Sancho]

As Jack of Clubs flaunted his bankroll
The King of Spades was merrily droll
In a game of Poker
There's always a Joker
And Queen of Hearts had an Ace in the hole

[YesNo]

The Jack never did like that Ace
And the Ace thought the Jack a disgrace,
But the King never knew
Whom the Queen had been through.
They all laughed, but not right in his face.

[Sancho]

Into the mix rode the gallant white knight
For the queen's honor he'd pledged to fight
Ensconced in her castle
She's nobody's vassal
Gaily engaged in an loose tripartite

[YesNo]

The knight is delusional still
The blade of his sword swiftly will
Slice the head off a rumor
That caused his bad humor
And roll, being kicked, down the hill.

[YesNo]

Once upon a time in a wood
Where a brook flowed and ancient trees stood
It was dark with despair
Then a rose blossomed there
Through its thorns bringing hope where it could.

[Danik 2016]

A bit unlimericky but beautiful, Yes/No.

[YesNo]

Thanks, Danik! It was based on a prompt from a blog I follow which has a weekly limerick challenge. This week the constraint was that the limerick had to start with "once upon a time" which doesn't fit the limerick meter, but is close enough. A limerick would normally start "there once was a".

I figured I might as well post it here too.

[Pompey Bum]

There once was a lady named Wanda
Who slept with her pet anaconda.
She said, "Darling, whither
And whence will you slither?"
The snake said, "Back home to Uganda."

[YesNo]

Some humor shines best when it’s sunny.
Others want rain thick and runny.
We’re soaked when the skies
Shed big tears through God’s eyes
From His laughter. He thought we were funny.

[Sancho]

The Queen and the King took off post haste
They had to hurry down to the vote place
To name a ship
For an Arctic trip
That the people called Boaty McBoatface

[YesNo]

The British decided to say
“Up Yours” to the EU one day.
The markets were trashed
And the pound sterling crashed,
But they’re happy to go their own way.

[Sancho]

Two Brits were once sitting on a log
Talking of exit over some grog
What about Herman?
You mean the German?
Right, but I just can't abide a Frog

[Pompey Bum]

Frau Merkel, the queen of EU,
In counting stars, wept: "Why so few?
Could not Britain's castles
Bear our immigrant hassles?
Ach Verdammt! Er, that is, boo-hoo.

[Sancho]

Said Merkle, mien gott! Das ist nict gut
Dee British ist givinck us der boot
But no matter
We'll get fatter
On account of vee haf all dee loot

[YesNo]

Poor Merkel, she gets all the flak
From any old George, Jill or Mack.
She’s the Queen and they’re not,
But those Jacks have all got
A wild Ace when they vote to strike back.

[Sancho]

There once was a gal named Doris
Who lived in Sherwood Forest
Got chased by a bear
But she didn't care
At least it wasn't mayor Boris

[YesNo]

Sherwood Forest was where Robin’s rump
And Maid Marian’s met in a bump
As they danced in moonlight,
But at dawn woke with fright:
“Boris Johnson looks like Donald Trump.”

[Pompey Bum]

In Arthur's fair land live the British:
A hardy and hale folk but skittish.
A drop in pounds sterling
Sent stout hearts awhirling,
While tempers grew almost LitNettish.

[Pompey Bum]

A mayor we'll just call B.J.
Surrendered the towel one day.
It isn't quite clear
Who will take it from here,
Though it's possible Theresa May.

[Sancho]

^BAH-hahahah!

There was an MP named Nigel Farage
Who went to Brussels with this message:
You folks are French
You've got no sense
Then left with his motley entourage

[YesNo]

King Arthur had Merlin to blame
And Guinevere wanted the same
And Lancelot, too,
Needed someone, but who
Would the EU find worthy to name?

[Sancho]

There once was a vast aristocracy
Propped up by a corrupt theocracy
But anarchy's for fools
And monarchy for tools
What's left but the people's democracy

[YesNo]

The day that we watch the banks crash
We will look to the sky raining trash.
Then we’ll reach down for crumbs
With our fingers and thumbs
And get all that we want but no cash.

[Pompey Bum]

^BAH-hahahah!

If you cackle for me, sir, then thank you.

Let us spare us a thought for old London;
For a hour of joy she's been donned in.
Without German markets
She's lost in the dark: it's
A matter of fun versus fundin'.

[Pompey Bum]

Have you heard of Prime Minister Abe
(Whose surname rhymes somewhat with "hobby")?
They say that this nabob
Is no honest Abe, Bob,
Which only only makes harder my jobby.

[YesNo]

The Japanese are a grand bunch.
We thought they would come eat our lunch,
But they served us haiku
With raw sushi to chew
And they’re gone though some still want to munch.

[Sancho]

There once was a chap from Japan
Who knew not how it all began
But bikes by Honda
Were not for Fonda
And neither was their fine minivan

[YesNo]

It’s the 4th of July, I’m in an airport and I can’t think of anything better than this to write

The internet’s slower than piss.
I’m waiting and waiting like this:
When I click on a link,
Take a dump I would think
The page loaded but that would be bliss.

[Pompey Bum]

Safe trip, YN.

There was a First Lady named Clinton
Who had federal G-men asquintin'
At reams of the email
Concealed by this female
In national service unstintin'.

[YesNo]

Landed! Thanks, PB.

The Clintons are trying to show,
Like the Bushes--It’s time we all know--
We’re a monarchy still
And each dynasty will
Switch out actors each four years or so.

[Sancho]

There once was a fellow named Wilber
With his brother, an aircraft builder
Flew at Kitty Hawk
Somewhat less than Mach
To them O'Hare would bewilder

[YesNo]

That cat thinks my mouse is for real
And the keyboard’s for walking on. She’ll
Drive her claws in my arms
Plop her plump body’s charms
On my hand make me click on some deal.

[Sancho]

I once had a dog named Bingo
Who possibly was part dingo
He'd howl at the moon
From midnight till noon
Whilst I tried to decrypt his lingo

[Pompey Bum]

Nice one, Sanch!

There once was a stallion named Ed;
He's glue now: I fear he's long dead.
But back in the day
When "W-I-I-I-I-LBUR" he'd say,
How nature and art would be wed!

[YesNo]

Lassie is loyal and true.
For a dog she does what she can do.
She’s more faithful than girls
With their big eyes and curls
And a boy loves his dog better, too.

[Pompey Bum]

There once was a canine called Lassie
Whose instincts were keen and bark sassy.
She competed with Laugh-In
And was given the gaff in
Respect to Miss Goldie Hawn's chassis.

[Sancho]

Thx, PB, I'm just trying to keep up with you and Y/N.

There once was a dog named Old Yeller
A right fine yet forward type of feller
Had a girl named Rover
When she'd come over
He'd go behind her just to smell her

[YesNo]

The problem with swans is they figure anything that drops out of their bills is for the fish to eat

There once were some swans who loved fish.
They would feed them right out of their dish.
Course it had to fall out
Of swan bills, slosh about
In the water till fish got their wish.

[Pompey Bum]

There were three beneficent swans:
Who, of fish, grew exceedingly fond.
They shared them their sup
Then gobbled them up
And mused, "Ah, tis too bad their gone!"

[Pompey Bum]

A swan gets a virus and dies;
A perch comes and picks out its eyes.
The bird's final wishes
Were "Feed the damn fishes,
But please stop your saccharin lies."

[heartwing]

A sign of a shaky piece: One has to explain and apologize, but here goes...I chose a "lymerick lover" to be the protag of the "bad poet who is in love" theme for a forum prompt, the flash pieces due this Friday. Who knows maybe spotting this thread on the forum inspired this. Anywho, the "bad poet" can either be a poet who sucks as a poet or a poet who is bad because he does evil. I chose the former. So, for a little fun, my guy has flown from the U.S. to England a couple of times somehow managing to figure out his flight crew so he may be with the object of his low grade crush, a beautiful flight attendant. Here goes (This is a very pale imitation of Edward Lear whom I used to read all the time to my son. I love the nonsense stuff. The imitation is so pale, but it's the love that counts. I hope.)

Lymerick lover:

There once was a man of Shalott
Whose love had given him the hots.
So away with her he ran til they put him in the can,
Oh that poor old man of Shalott.

After enduring this and well as some aggressive passes, the poor flight attendant/love interest finds an emergency limerick pack in the seat back pocket, a pack a thoughtful crew member had given her to help her through this pass. She gave him this:

Good luck with your trip cross the pond.
Of you I never was fond.
But you'll be home soon
And you'll stay there marooned,
No love after your trip cross the pond.

[Pompey Bum]

Very nice, hw! :)

There once was a love unrequited:
One blossom was flush, one was blighted.
A curse of the pharaohs
On the boy with the arrows
To smile on his mischief, delighted.

[heartwing]

Sweet! And thanks for the support. ha. :)

[Pompey Bum]

All men know of Queen Aphrodite:
She is feared from Olympus to Blighty.
She took her to sulkin'
On marrying Vulcan
But she cheered up on Mars sans her nightie.

[YesNo]

The goddesses brave men adore
Are viewed more or less like a whore.
They are good for a night,
Maybe two. At daylight
Those brave men look to them like a bore.

[Pompey Bum]

There is a sly nymph known as Circe
Who lifts up for sailors her jersey.
It stiffens the spine
Until bang!--your a swine:
Crying wee wee wee wee for her mercy.

[Pompey Bum]

There once was a beauty named Leda:
Quite a shameless (it's said) fornicator.
One day on her lawn
She made love with a swan;
And, the way that I heard it, he paid her!