another song

[axl_32779]

heres something i've been messing with, opions r always wanted, good or bad, n i really like the advice i got on the last poem i posted. the music is very close to pearl jams "Black", hope u like it, it started with a few lines that just came to me after i bursted into tears out of nowhere over the love of my life

I Just Cried Again

There’s an empty bed of dirt out there,
That soon I’ll fill, (I will fill).
And there’s an empty hole in my heart,
That waits for you still.
She comes to me with daisies and I….
Watch them turn black, (See um turn black).
This pain that won’t stop, the sins….
Sins I can’t take back.

Between words to a friend, I - -
I just cried.
In the middle of a thought, I - -
I just died.
And I cant sleep, I just cry !
Over six words that you said !
The words I hear, over n over !
Pounding in my head !
(take a deep breath Sugar n calm down)(Kellie’s Voice)

There’s an empty bed of dirt,
That soon I’ll fill
And there’s an empty hole,
That waits for you still.
Does god blame me when I curse,
he hates me so.
So why do I pray to him still,
The answers no.

While driving to nowhere, I - -
I just cried.
While thinking of yesterday, I - -
I just died.
But why, why can’t it be me!
It’s something I just can’t face!
Yeah, It’s the same old story!
All my life I am second place!
Baby please don’t go,
No don’t go away.
You saved my life,
Now don’t throw it away.
Cause I need you,
Yes and only you.
Cause without you,
I just can’t brea-------------th
Oh no! - - -oh no! - - -
I just cried again

[subterranean]

There's something I want to ask, I saw some japanese words or symbols there? Are they really belong there or there's something with my pc?

[axl_32779]

this is how i started it, wrote this in 3 minutes, yes i know u can tell, lol

I just cried again,
Between words to a friend.
I just died again,
In the middle of a thought.

Empty bed of dirt,
I soon will fill.
This empty hole,
That waits for you still

All my daisies died,
Watching the black come in.
Can’t stop this hurt,
When will I pay for my sin.

I just cried again,
While driving to nowhere.
I just died again,
While thinking of yesterday

[ihrocks]

I think you did a marvelous job capturing one of those small moments in the process healing after a break-up. The verse that opens your original version has more potency than the verse that begins the "song" version, but then I think more in terms of poetry than music, so it may work better this way with music. (I've got a friend who's a songwriter, and I've seen his lyrics transformed by the music.)

I have one issue, and it's a personal pet peeve of mine about love songs. It's this bit:

Baby please don’t go,
No don’t go away.
You saved my life,
Now don’t throw it away.
Cause I need you,
Yes and only you.

Once, in that same stage of healing, I wrote this:

A song plays on the radio. Another broken-hearted soul trying win back a lost love.

“Stupid,” I think.

“I love you still,” the lyric goes. “But he no longer loves you. He rejected you. Cast you aside. He has ‘moved on,’ “ I answer back. “Remember all we shared,” the singer croons. “He remembers. He remembers and he doesn‘t give a f*ck,” I reply. “Come back or I am lost,” she sings as the music surges. This is the song’s “big moment,” designed to melt cold hearts; reunited lovers embracing in passion; all is forgiven and forgotten. “Love is not a prize you win. It’s a gift, and sometimes it gets taken away. There is no why, no explanation, and once taken back, it is no longer yours,” I argue.

I have to go feed the cat.

“Stupid,” I think.

So why am I crying?

Not my best work, but then I was a little fragile at the time.

Like I say, it probably isn't anything that anyone else would object to, just a pet peeve. Love songs are meant to be idealized and not conform to the real world.

It's great to see you posting again. I look forward to more.

ihrocks

[axl_32779]

Not stupid if its how u felt!!!!!!!!!!!!
love your replys, thank-you