zpconn
09-27-2006, 06:45 PM
I quickly wrote up the following introduction, but am considering scrapping it entirely. I showed it to a friend, and he said it was too wordy and unclear in meaning. I personally disagree, but of course it's what other people think that matters!
The topic of the essay is my interest in programming. Rather than bluntly stating this, I attempted to travel a less direct route. This attempt produced the following:
"So indistinct is the line between the inner and the outer life. Sometimes, for me, the two merge into a dreamy whole, keeping me captive until time dictates otherwise. By inner life, I of course refer to those thoughts which are peculiar to me alone and which nobody else can understand. When my inner thoughts bleed out onto my perceptions of the outer world, things become mixed up—what once drove me to seek food now drives me to program, for example."
I plan on developing the essay by talking about how my interest in programming is primitive in the sense that the hunger drive is primitive (which is why I mentioned food in there). So the topic is my interest in programming, but the essay really is focusing only on a part of this; specifically, the ways in which programming, for me, is like eating a nice, juicy steak.
This part here is just an "attention-grabber"; directly following this part would be the main content of the paragraph (yes, it's supposed to be a single, page-length paragraph). This essentially just sets the stage for what is to come.
For comparison, here's my other candidate introduction:
"Programming appeals to me in the way food does. It satisfies me on a more primitive level than does, say, running track. There is something about sitting in front of a computer desk in the dark of the night for three hours with potato-chip grease carelessly smeared all over the keyboard, numerous Mountain Dew cans spread about my desk, and my eyes droopy from torturous sleep-deprivation that feeds a craving of mine—a craving that seems to be as intrinsic as the hunger drive."
This is the first one I wrote up, and obviously it's much more direct than the other one above. It just seems boring to me though.
What do you guys think? Thanks!
The topic of the essay is my interest in programming. Rather than bluntly stating this, I attempted to travel a less direct route. This attempt produced the following:
"So indistinct is the line between the inner and the outer life. Sometimes, for me, the two merge into a dreamy whole, keeping me captive until time dictates otherwise. By inner life, I of course refer to those thoughts which are peculiar to me alone and which nobody else can understand. When my inner thoughts bleed out onto my perceptions of the outer world, things become mixed up—what once drove me to seek food now drives me to program, for example."
I plan on developing the essay by talking about how my interest in programming is primitive in the sense that the hunger drive is primitive (which is why I mentioned food in there). So the topic is my interest in programming, but the essay really is focusing only on a part of this; specifically, the ways in which programming, for me, is like eating a nice, juicy steak.
This part here is just an "attention-grabber"; directly following this part would be the main content of the paragraph (yes, it's supposed to be a single, page-length paragraph). This essentially just sets the stage for what is to come.
For comparison, here's my other candidate introduction:
"Programming appeals to me in the way food does. It satisfies me on a more primitive level than does, say, running track. There is something about sitting in front of a computer desk in the dark of the night for three hours with potato-chip grease carelessly smeared all over the keyboard, numerous Mountain Dew cans spread about my desk, and my eyes droopy from torturous sleep-deprivation that feeds a craving of mine—a craving that seems to be as intrinsic as the hunger drive."
This is the first one I wrote up, and obviously it's much more direct than the other one above. It just seems boring to me though.
What do you guys think? Thanks!