The Rain

[Pensive]

Today, rain fell and and fell, I watched the beautiful sight through my window at first but then I was unable to stop myself from going out..(although my mother tried her best not to let me go because she thought that I would get cold as my exams are near, I should be more careful about it)

Well, I wanted to sing or to dance but I found no song about rain then I tried to make up one by myself and here is the poem which I dedicate to rain.


The Rain

When a few droplets fell upon my hair
I became merry and heaved a sigh of relief
The rain came like a beauty, full and fair
Shed upon me a bunch of happiness and made powerful, my belief

I wanted really badly to sing
And I was unable not stop myself to dance
Then in my ears, a unique bell started to ring
To welcome the beautiful trance

The sight of the rain was heaven to me
It was the answer of my so long Prayers
The flowers around me started to bloom and so did my tree
I wanted to watch it the whole day and to stand there

There, seemed my queen who was stunning
I wanted to wear my red dress
To celebrate it's homecoming
I wanted to look more and more fresh

Come again and don't let me die
You dear rain, you will come I am sure you will
My belief makes me say this to thee
So come and fill my heart with happiness, come and fill!



~ I hope that you will enjoy it. Your comments will be very much appreciated.

Thank you very much! :)

[Pensive]

Hi everyone, I have just edited a few words like "poignant" I was not sure that I used the right word on right place so I consulted the dictionary and my fear was right, poignant was certainly a wrong word to use there so I changed it to "delightful"

Now, you can critisize it as much as you like! I need criticism. I will be very much thankful for any comments. :wave:

Thanks

[jon1jt]

When two droplets fell upon my hair
The number two seems arbitrary. Perhaps, "When the first droplets..."
I became merry and heaved a sigh of relief
The rain came like a beauty, full and fair
Shed upon me a bunch of happiness and made powerful, my belief
Overall, the opening is strong and it works.

I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing
The whole world was full of delight
The piece is losing it's poetic moorings at this point, I sense.
In my ears, a very unique bell rang
You might consider omitting "very"
It was to welcome beautiful sight
I think you might want to add an "a" after welcome. Why tell us it's a beautiful sight, show us.


I wanted to stand there, to watch it
But at that time, I was unable to do so
I wanted badly to stand there all the time to greet it
I recommend getting rid of "all the time" or supplement it with "forever," "eternally," etc."
So I promised myself at that time not to let it ever go.
This stanza needs to be reworked - first, you go from "at that time" to "All the time" back to "at that time" and I don't see the point. Second, you state that you "wanted to stand there to watch it", but aren't you doing just that? B]

The sight of [B]delightful rain
Was heaven to me, answer of my prayers
"Delightful rain" is incongruous when comparing it to heaven and prayer
It was no loss, but gain and gain
Something which I liked from many years
This stanza is arid. You've all ready thoroughly convinced me that you're dazzled by the rain. While deifying the rain is wonderful, you trivialize it with cliches like "heaven" and "prayers." Think more descriptively.

There you are, my dear
I want to wear my red dress
To welcome the queen who is rare
I want to look more and more fresh
This stanza is very weak; you're not only deifying the rain but also personifying it. I don't get quite why you're inspired to wear a red dress to welcome the rain, as if you're rushing off to a Ball. Isn't the rain intoxicating enough for you to revel in its stillness, as you are that moment??

Your love, which dwells in my heart will never last
I will always admire and will wait for you to spread your pinions over me
Your fondness in my heart will grow more and more fast
The voice of beauty, the magnificent thing, I will wait for thee!
There seems to be an overkill of emotion here, and poorly stated, and I think this poem might have been better set in the present tense. "Your love dwells in my heart....in my heart grows....I wait for thee!"
At this juncture, I feel you are rambling and you've lost my interest.

Come again, don't let us wait and die
This poem has been very personal up till this point and yet you inject "us" into it. Why may we all "die"? Unless there's a drought, I don't understand it.
You dear and great rain, you will come. I know you will
[B]This line is silly. It's like saying, "The sun will rise again, I know it will."
Shed your blessing upon us and make us gay
I sensed that your experience in this rain storm stemmed beyond feeling "gay." And I don't see the need to universalize with using "us"; you're the one having the experience.
With gladness, thou rain, fill my heart, fill!

The last stanza, all in all, just reiterates the sentiment stated throughout. You might consider shortening the work to give it a bolder, deeper radiance. I enjoyed the subject matter, it's an excellent choice. Nice job, overall. Hope this helps.

[Pensive]

I am very grateful to you for your comments, jon1jt! I have re-worked on it and this is my new version. I hope that it will be better though I am afraid it might not be...

When a few droplets fell upon my hair
I became merry and heaved a sigh of relief
The rain came like a beauty, full and fair
Shed upon me a bunch of happiness and made powerful, my belief

I wanted really badly to sing
And I was unable not stop myself to dance
Then in my ears, a unique bell started to ring
To welcome the beautiful trance

The sight of the rain was heaven to me
It was the answer of my so long Prayers
The flowers around me started to bloom and so did my tree
I wanted to watch it the whole day and to stand there

There, seemed my queen who was stunning
I wanted to wear my red dress
To celebrate it's homecoming
I wanted to look more and more fresh

Come again and don't let me die
You dear rain, you will come I am sure you will
My belief makes me say this to thee
So come and fill my heart with happiness, come and fill!

[white camellia]

The rain came like a beauty, full and fair

The sight of the rain was heaven to me
It was the answer of my so long Prayers

(i prefer the second line structured without it was which sounds more natural to me)

dear pensive, these lines captured the charm of the rain perfectly as i felt the rain as a saintly lady walked in beauty. i particularly like the description, full and fair, simple but strong.

[jon1jt]

Pensive - the poem is vastly improved and I really like it!!! You made some significant adjustments, I see. Well done.

[Pensive]

Thanks jon and camellia!