Hi! :)

[Regit]

Envy

Don’t explain
A lie with a lie,
A kiss with a kiss

They convince me so easily
Those sweet words of yours,
Those sweet lips of yours

But the same words
That told the truth
Can tell a lie

And the same lips
That brought love
Can bring such pain

Still, they convince me easily
Those sweet words of yours,
Those sweet lips of yours

Please stop - Sweet lover,
Just don’t explain
At all

[mir]

wow - that's really great! i love the way it ends; the repetition of "sweet" and the shortness of the last lines is very striking. post some more poems! i'd love to read them!

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Nice poem - succinct and to the point - I'm not altogether sure about the repeated verse, perhaps if there was slightly more variation between the two it might balance things better - perhaps using a different verb than 'convince' in the second - 'confuse' perhaps? Doesn't spoil things though.

I assume that "envy" is the title? If so, you might want to underline it or make it bold.

[Regit]

Thank you mir and Xamonas :nod:

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Reading it again, there is a beautiful symmetry about this poem: the opening stanza - the 1st repeat, mentioning both words and lips - a verse about words - a verse about lips - the second repeat - and then the close. If you look at it sideways, it even has a nice symmetric shape - twin peaks - this all adds a sense of completeness to the work.

Myself, in addition to the change I suggested above, I would swap the order of 'words' and 'lips' in the second repeat. But that's just me - I still like it a lot. Don't touch it on my account - I tend to fiddle with things too much anyway. ;)

[Regit]

Thanks XC, I have also fiddled with it a lot :), and will try your suggestions. I also tried to give it a little rhythm, like 122,122,122 using the structure of the lines of each stanza. And the final stanza breaks the rhythm down and stops. :) Just a little silly experiment.

[smilingtearz]

very well written :nod: Regit, more than the structure, i like the emotions.. presented..

[Regit]

Thank you smilingtearz :). How did you perceive the emotions? I'm curious, because it was purely based on emotions and not any real events (some might call it unfounded jealousy :p).

[smilingtearz]

How did you perceive the emotions?

somehow i kinda' agree with your idea about the feeling of helplessness that comes over with the lover's "sweet words" and "sweet lips".. and how they "convince" you even though you know that what's being might not be the truth.


Please stop - Sweet lover,
Just don’t explain
At all
could mean either.. giving into the lovers words or being tired of the helplessness..

[Chinaski]

Really liked this - and I thought the repetition was effective; the 'still' making it clear that reason just doesn't work in a case like this! Despite bitter experience the poet is still in thrall and can't help themself.

[Regit]

somehow i kinda' agree with your idea about the feeling of helplessness that comes over with the lover's "sweet words" and "sweet lips".. and how they "convince" you even though you know that what's being might not be the truth.

:nod:
Thank you for understanding.

It is not only that I can't fight this feeling of helplessness, but also that to fight it is no use. And to try and prevail over it at all cost could even mean losing someone you love. And all because of my ego. I don't think I will make that mistake again.

[Regit]

Really liked this - and I thought the repetition was effective; the 'still' making it clear that reason just doesn't work in a case like this! Despite bitter experience the poet is still in thrall and can't help themself.

Thank you Chinaski, it's very flattering coming from such a good poet like yourself.

Look forward to hearing your views on the Religion thread :)

[Grumbleguts]

Simple and effective writing. I like this a lot.

[jon1jt]

I appreciate the subject matter, but re-read this poem and found it to be too cliche. The poem is simple, which is fine with me, but I look for poems that make me think, make me visualize, invite me in and speak to the human condition. It does and it does not. The last stanza brings it all together nicely, but in the end I feel nothing.

[Regit]

Thank you very much Grumbleguts :)

[Regit]

jon1jt,
I understand what you mean. I was going to respond to your post with the argument that not every poem has the purpose of making make us think or visualise. But then I realised that I have never read a good poem that hasn't had on me the effects that you suggested. So I can only say that I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it. Hopefully I can do better next time. Thanks for the good comments :)

[Chinaski]

Jonj - to me apoem shouldn't try to hard. Get down that simple truth I reckon, credit the reader with some imagination (or they can read something else!) I'm an incurable phenomenologist, me! Thanks for the compliment Reg. I feel a creative spell coming on (bad really cos I got **** loads of work on) I think we should set up some little challenges. I wrote a 100 words about my mum and dad to answer a challenge on another site - might start a thread with em?

[Chinaski]

er...how do I start a thread??

[Regit]

I feel a creative spell coming on (bad really cos I got **** loads of work on) I think we should set up some little challenges. I wrote a 100 words about my mum and dad to answer a challenge on another site - might start a thread with em?

Haha :lol:

You're lucky they don't come everyday. I have the creative urges even when I'm revising for exams. But, yeah, it's not healthy to fight the human urges ;)

What was this challenge, to describe your parents? Perhaps if you can start the thread; I will be the most willing contributor.

[Regit]

er...how do I start a thread??

Go to the section in which you would like to post your thread. And at the bottom, on the left, there's a button that says "New Thread" or something.