Alleyway

[Volya]

A dog is barking in the alleyway
As the boys in the hoods come out to play
The moon shines bright in the late evening sky
Yet all is still dark where the kids come to die

Masked in faces of loathing and hate
They move ever-closer towards their fate
Not a sound in the air, as one draws his blade
His mind is made up, the debt must be paid

One lunge, then nothing, the boy falls to his knees
And through the red cloud of mist he sees,
A blood-stained knife pulled out of his chest
And then, nothing, he is finally at rest.

[miyako73]

Good job. I guess you got zero comment because you have no friends here. I see mediocre poems here unquestionably praised as brilliant.

[Delta40]

These are like lyrics to a song and would hit the mark to music but they're not moving me from a poetic perspective. Miyako, Volya is my friend and he's as much under my wing as anyone else :-)

[miyako73]

Continue mentoring him, Delta. I know you're objective and you call a spade a spade when you see it.

As to the poem, I found his images vivid like watching a short film almost. Had it been in free verse, it would be more arresting.

[Delta40]

It certainly is vivid but there seems to be nothing behind the pictures except a thinly veiled storyteller

[Volya]

Thanks miyako, Delta,
I do have to admit that most of the stuff I write is also intended as lyrics too, so that might explain it xD

[Delta40]

Thanks miyako, Delta,
I do have to admit that most of the stuff I write is also intended as lyrics too, so that might explain it xD

Ha! I knew it. All those years of being subject to Eminem paid off....

[hallaig]

Not much to add to that, works as lyrics but also- when you see the awkward batallions of rhymes being hammered into place in this site sometimes, it's clear that you are much better at it. The whole thing might amount to a cliche but it's well written

[hillwalker]

The rhyme is there like a constant toothache, but I have seen worse. There are also several clichés that could be avoided if you stripped this to the bone, possibly by cutting the length of each line to avoid having to fill the gaps with redundant phrases like 'shines bright', 'late evening', 'all is still dark' or 'ever-closer'. Something along the lines of:

A dog barks in the alleyway,
Boys in the hoods come out to play,
The bright moon in the evening sky
Yet all is dark where they come to die.

H

[Volya]

Delta: I hate Eminem >:O

[Delta40]

Delta: I hate Eminem >:O

That makes two of us but I had kids who loved him...:-/

[Jeos]

Good job. I guess you got zero comment because you have no friends here. I see mediocre poems here unquestionably praised as brilliant.

For once you are absolutely right Miyako73...well perhaps am I amongst the mediocre but doesn't matter - you said true.
And so Volya I make my own Miyako's words : good job indeed !