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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

The Time Has Come

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On Saturday we went swimming. Yuki REALLY needed to go. She's been a bit trippy and stumbly. It was either supposed to be just a dash cooler or at least more tolerable than this weekend. It was HOT and SUNNY. We got her to hydrotherapy well enough. She was reluctant to go through the gate but I think that's because she was sniffing. Swim Lady had a girl doing work experience today. We didn't talk much. The life jacket went on. Swim lady went up first as normal to get in the pool. Yuki was stubborn and didn't want to go so I had to help/encourage/sort of lift her up the step to the ramp. I let her go so I could step up. And then she fell. Hard. Her left leg went in severely and her face went down. Basically the nearest a dog can get to a "faceplant" without actually "faceplanting". I helped her up, steadied her, tried to soothe her, held her. It's okay. It seems okay. You see THIS is why she really NEEDED to swim. And then I noticed her lip. It was bleeding. A lot. And her big crusty scab was hanging off a bit. Mum takes over and dabs her mouth with a wet tissue (because if i try I'll either get angry or bitten or both because she's hurt and scared). Swim lady gives mum kitchen roll. I threaten to take over if she bites mum (because she's on blood thinners). And the work experience girl leaves. The bleeding slows. Swim lady gets the lifejacket off and hoses down the floor. It's just not safe for Yui to swim now. She could get infected or another dog could pick up an infection from the blood in the water. Even if it's just a tiny tiny chance it's not worth the risk. I get Yui outside while the other two (mum and swim lady) deal with things inside. This is the last week for hydrotherapy for a while because she's going on holiday for 2 weeks and the other Swim Lady (there were 2) actually finished last week. Onto bigger and better things I assume but we didn't ask. Outside Yuki shook her head and the big scab was thrown to the floor. It looked pretty disgusting. Because it was dark but also bloody and had shed chin fur trapped in it it looked like a piece of lip. I checked. It was just the scab. So yeah. No swim. We'll see how things are in 2 weeks (spoiler, it's not happening). It was too hot to the park or the river and not wise with the bleeding anyway. Mum blames herself for not cancelling due to the heat (also Yui's not been eating recently. I've managed to come up with a system she'll eat so she ate the night before swimming so we figured we'd try it because she did need to go). I blame myself for not holding her. I usually let her go up the ramp and either encourage from behind or go ahead and pull her up. It's not out of place that I wasn't holding her at that point (There's a ramp to get up into the pool, this wasn't IN the pool, just so you know). If I'd just held her (the lifejacket has a handle on top for lifting/directing if needs must) she'd be okay (well not really. It would be the same but slower without the inciting incident). She was already bleeding just a little in the car. We didn't see it before so we think it started in transit. She's been bleeding just a little before. That's not unusual. Anyway.

When she wasn't eating Mum had been getting worried. She checks Yui's breathing (that used to be a sort of joke before because she'd lay still and I didn't want to disturb her for no reason so I'd have to see if her side was moving and I'd go "still breathing" but as she got older and her problems arose it didn't like tempting fate by saying it anymore and it was mainly something I did. Maybe mum did it too but didn't say it. She told ne the day before Yui ate she was very slow and plodding, more than usual, and not very alert in the park and she thought this was it. But then Yui ate her food with as much enthusiasm as she can show these days and it settled us a bit). She gets fed twice a day but with the heat and her gum hole and maybe just age I guess, lack of activity she just doesn't eat much. So she's noticeably lost weight. You can feel it.
But then I invented The Layer Cake. A masterful creation of 2 pouches of Caesar senior (a brand of small dog food) with a crushed nuggie (that's what we call nuggets of freeze-dried turkey, beef or lamb but these ones were all turkey because it doesn't feel a little fatty when I crumble it like the others) and a slice of dangle meat topped with more nuggie dust in-between the jelly food (which is solid slabs), topped with more nuggie for fun and the overhang of turkey peeled off and I tore it up and rolled up her thyroid pill in it and rolled another bit as a decoy "turkey rolls". I cut the layer cake into quarters and then chopped those into little squares and stirred them a bit then put the "turkey rolls" on top with a slice of dangle meat as an appetizer.
I did this because we decided to change when she's fed and see if that works. Before she was fed when mum came home and before we went to bed. Maybe the feedings were a bit close together (especially since mum doesn't feed her when she gets home anymore and it can be 8 or even 9pm before the feeding then 3-5am for the last feed). So I feed her when I get up. Well I got up late so it was after I took her out for a wee. But it worked and she ate. The reason I don't feed her is because Mum keeps a diary of what and how much Yui eats and poos and it was just easier for her to do the feeding then since I never pay attention to weight. She left the pouches out for me before she left for work so she knew what and how much it was an I filled her in on my additions. There might have been dry food in the first feed too, there has been in all the others. I've been leaving her just a little dry food in case she gets hungry later and might want to eat it. She never does.
She ate it all. So as it was such a great success I've been assigned to do it again. It's increased to 3 pouches and I've started slipping in her joint supplements too because she east most if not all of my food but not all of mum's bed time feed, maybe half. I mix it up. I give her bonus nuggies and yesterday I gave her a bunch of treats including little treat sized nuggies. She's a strange beast. They're the same but smaller but she won't just eat a nuggie anymore but she will eat the treat ones. Originally we only had the lamb ones just for a treat before her tooth surgery. I, very annoyingly, went for a cutesy voice when introducing them and called it wamb, as in lamb but l is w to be "cutesy" I sort of like it and sort of regret it but I'm committed to it now. We have some beef ones too and she seemed a bit bored of the "wamb" so I opened them and she went for them and I've ended up calling them "baby beef". Well spoiler she's not eaten it tonight but I fed her much later today.
We've been giving her one day on and one day off of painkiller and mum booked her in to see the vet today. The gum keeps bleeding on and off and it has left smears on her beds and she gets blood in her water. When she's laying flat I drop a little salt water on it. Given how delicate it is i don't want to shoot it at her like I usually would, that was more to get debris out anyway. She puts up with it well enough but I always worry about her ingesting it even though it's not much.

We went to the vet today. To get straight to the point. It's time. She's in pain and it's not going to get better. It's cruel to let her suffer. She we're advised to get her put down. I can't say we've not been expecting it. We've been steadily anticipating it for years. She's about 14 and a half. She's well surpassed the average husky life expectancy. Still it caught me off guard at least. You don't NEED to put a dog to sleep unless their legs go, their brain goes, they're not eating or drinking or they're terminally ill, Well that's the things you might see at least. Pain is subjective so it's harder to measure and she can't TELL us how much pain she's in. It's the right thing to do. I've been expecting it but decided not to think about it too much until I had to. Now and then I've thought of it. And the pros and cons when it happens. Not in detail. But now I am.
Not having a dog anymore (the less painful way of saying dead dog);
- I won't go walking
- I won't have to get up
- Not walking means I won't see the local cats as much
- We'll have all this dog stuff/food to do something with. We won't be able to give it all to the foxes
- Emotions, that's a lot to unpack so it's easier to just call it that
- I won't have my dog...our dog anymore

- We can go out and not worry about the dog (there's plans for the family to meet in September and I wondered how the dog would be. We could even go on holiday if we wanted)
- HUGE monetary savings (food, medication, hydrotherapy, vet, petrol to go to these places/get these things water even)
- The environment (just to feed a dog means a lot of extra meat consumed and people say that's a thing)
- We could have another pet, like a cat (huskies and cats do not mix apparently) or anything else (not right away of course. When/if we're ready)
- We could redecorate or something
- More floor space (her beds take up quite a bit of space)
- Halloween (if I choose to do it i don't have to shut her in the living room so I can open the door for just one night and she acts like I'm the most evil being in the world for not letting her in the hallway)
- She's not in pain anymore. She'll never suffer again

A grey area, depends on how you look at it but it's a positive. Mostly. I guess
- I don't have an excuse not to get a job anymore. And really what else am I going to do with my time?

So yeah. That's how things are. Mum's thinking Monday. I agree. It gives us some time but isn't too long and it's mum's day off because we need to drive her there.

There are some things I want.
- I want to groom her and give her a bit of a wash.
- I want her to have all the dangle meat she wants (we have a packet of 6 slices for each day and a little extra)
- Painkiller if not every day then every other day
These are the main wants.
Bonus wants, less important but might be nice
- We got her a new cool bed, it's only been used once because it needs cleaning, I want her to have it again before the end
- I want to clean her other water bowl so she has 2 water bowls with her food and the little one she doesn't use anymore but it's still there if she needs it

Also she had blood round her bum hole this morning. The vet said it was probably from an anal gland and if it's just the once it shouldn't be anything to worry about (well, it won't be a problem for long if all goes to plan)
We didn't make the plan then. Mum wondered if we should have it done then. No. So we left it at that. When we're ready but not too long, the vet wouldn't push us on it. But I think, all being well, Monday will be best. I just hope the vet will be able to do it then.

It doesn't help that I've been overall a bit sad lately, my usual sad. Enough to well up but not actually cry. Just because. Overall unhappiness, grief and all, worry perhaps.
I had to get up early to go to the vet so I ended up with maybe 4 hours sleep. And we planned to do shopping today as well. I went back to bed. Thought about things. I didn't actually cry until I said it all out loud. Because I don't cry around people and might even be coldly matter of fact in what I do say I may come across as cold and unfeeling. Mum thinks I'm stronger than her. I'm not. In fact I'm more emotional. I pick up other's emotions or at least what I perceive to be their emotions. I'm just very good at self soothing and rationalizing. Once again I find myself wanting to feel nothing. Thing is you can't have joy without despair. So not shut my emotions off permanently. Just for these times.
On the subject of despair. The dog was one of the key reasons not to do something stupid in the future. I'm not saying I would. Just that the dog was a reason not to and a strong one at that. Now the only one left is my mum. There are of course other reasons but the beings closest to me were/are the strongest, the key reasons to never consider doing something stupid.
Another reason to get a job or something. Gain more beings to be my reasons not to do something stupid. That and the economy and all. Winter is set to be expensive.

So yeah. That's how things are. I've woven a narrative to tell Yuki, not that she knows. She'll have all these nice things and then we're going to the vet for a special procedure that will make her feel all better and then we're going on a journey (I just don't tell her that she'll go on a different journey to us, that is death/afterlife if such a thing exists and ours will be grief. She doesn't need to know that. She might even get to meet some of the family and friends. Maybe our old pets and some of her friends that died and maybe even my human family, deceased. Everyone would definitely love her I'm sure of it. I doubt the hamsters would care, the cats wouldn't be happy but I'm sure she'd be best friends with the dog).
Anyway. I'm done now.

There's some big road works/changes scheduled to start on Monday which will be annoying. Now I'm done.


  1. tailor STATELY's Avatar
    A touching post... best wishes (and more) to all.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
  2. Logos's Avatar
    For sure, we never know how much our dogs are hurting. Yuki's had an amazing life with you guys! You've been so attentive to her needs and so many treats, I think it's a great way to say good-bye to such a sweet member of your family. I think it's good it can be planned and then you avoid a possible late night emergency situation. Been there done that, not recommended.
    It's a lovely story you have for her, I'm sure you'll be a huge comfort to her as she starts her next journey
    Sending you lots of strength for Monday, or whichever day it is.
  3. Danik 2016's Avatar
    Very, very sorry about Yuky and you and your mum. There is so much Love in this story.
    You did and still do much to ease the dogs life. Lots of strength for you and your mum.

    Your life seems to be turning upside down with so many changes.
    But I think you yourself have provided the key answer for your future!
    "Gain more beings to be my reasons not to do something stupid."
    Maybe writing and publishing what you write will be one of them. You have a very personal style and voice.
  4. Logos's Avatar
    I agree Danik 2016 I also think our Blue has a great voice and has so many lovely stories to tell, of everyday life and also the deeper struggles we come to within what means "family".
  5. Bluebiird's Avatar
    It's done
  6. tailor STATELY's Avatar
    My deepest sympathies.

  7. Danik 2016's Avatar
    Yuky won´t ever be forgotten. And she has known much love.

    Deepest sentiments to you and your mum.