And I dance

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

The dance of a teacher!
The last two lines say it all; contemplating how many seeds of success “civilizations” you have planted.
Very nice.

[qimissung]

Thank you, Gilliatt!

I really meant, that the narrator, whoever he is, is a worthwhile person, even if he's someone from a different class or race than ourselves, someone that we perhaps conveniently ignore, huddled in the comfort of our daily routines.

[blank|verse]

An intriguing poem that starts in medias res, linking us with our ancestors through a form of art, and takes a left turn with the introduction of money, which seems to mark the start of 'civilisation', science, maths; all of which are reduced to the insignificance of being a 'mote in my eye' of the poem's narrator. Strange stuff, and still not sure I get it after a few reads.

The pace and rhythm of the poem are a bit staccato given the subject, due to the lack of punctuation in the first two-thirds. Still, an interesting poem.

[Hawkman]

Sorry to have neglected this poem qim, I've been away, but I thoroughly enjoyed it's rhythm and imagery. Very nicely done.

Best, H

[qimissung]

Thank you, Hawkman.

[AuntShecky]

Sorry about the delay in responding to this one. I must've missed it on its first go-around.

Some of the images are intriguing, such as this one:

And life begins with a dollar bill
And a ball
It looks good and sounds good, especially the consonance of the double "l"s, but I haven't the foggiest idea of what it means.

Same with this metaphor:

And the grease hanging heavy
In the chattering air
Is my mathematical proof;

in which I don't know what kind of grease it is or where it comes from, but the word "mathematical" tells me that the speaker is setting up a quantitative, as opposed to a qualitative, relationship with the next metaphor, inexplicably separated by a semi-colon:

but again, the
The molecules of friendship
are my art

It pairs up the previous mention of mathematics with science ("molecules") while linking both with "art," the art of the dance, readers can assume.

The rhyme scheme is a bit inconsistent, but that may be intentional, as some consecutive lines have end rhymes, while some don't. There is internal rhyme -- "clattering" and "chattering."

I can't figure out the punctuation and capitalization. There isn't a period at the end of any of the lines, but each successive line starts with a capital letter. That may be part of the scheme of the piece as well. Still, the noun in the second part of this simile is a possessive, thus requiring an apostrophe.

My other objection/criticism/ question is the preponderence of conjunctions, especially the "and" that begins the piece. Usually the word "and" means that it is following a word, clause, or sentence that has gone before. Then again, it could be part of the scheme, to set up a circular pattern, with no beginning or no end.

So this posting gives me pause, as well as things to think about and reconsider.

[qimissung]

Well, AuntShecky, polysyndeton: the repetition of conjunctions in a series of coordinate words, phrases, or clauses. So hopefully that explains all the "ands."

I did use metaphors from a variety of sources, and this is intentional in the sense that I try, like most people who write I expect, to find metaphors that are fresh and "live." They are metaphors and are meant to convey the ideas behind them, so they are not relational in that sense. They need to be effective in conveying my ideas. I found them effective, so I used them.

"a dollar bill and a ball"-that is all this person needs. Life begins with this.

"And the grease hanging heavy
In the chattering air
Is my mathematical proof;"

In mathematics, a proof is a convincing demonstration that some mathematical statement is necessarily true. This poem was inspired by some people I know who indicated that a job at McDonald's was just fine. Just fine now, and just fine at any time in their lives. I wasn't arguing the point, but I know they thought I was saying that a job at McDonald's wasn't good enough. So the proof, then, is that having a job, in their opinion, is proof of manhood (or adulthood, but these were guys I was talking too, so that was my initial idea).

These people are very social. I cannot emphasize that enough. They live in the moment and as long as they have enough, they are happy. Their relationships are very important to them, hence the "molecules of friendship are my art." I was paying tribute to that idea. There is the idea of art as a painting or dance or literature, but I am saying here that their relationships with family members, their friendships are their art. Thus the clattering and chattering. They like noise and are uncomfortable with silence and introspection, and I was trying to convey the idea of noise and activity.

And yes, I did intend for this to circle back to the beginning. "The dust of ancient civilizations" is intended to link with the last line of the dust mote in my eye. Everything good in civilization is there within them. They may not be ambitious or learned in a conventional sense, but they know how to live and love. And that is indeed enough and worth celebrating.

I hope that helps explain things. Aunty. Thanks for reading it.

[AuntShecky]

You're absolutely right about polysyndeton, but we don't normally see a conjunction as the very first word in a piece.

[PrinceMyshkin]

You're absolutely right about polysyndeton, but we don't normally see a conjunction as the very first word in a piece.

I infer that you're disconcerted by the medias res opening of the poem, but I think it is very apropos and is further justified by the succession of conjunctions, the implication being that all of this has been going on for a very long time, indeed for as far back as the poet's memory reaches.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hinduism is my religion of choice as knowing not a bloody thing about it, it is the only one that makes me feel like smiling