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Thread: an evening by the fire

  1. #1
    Registered User Sampson's Avatar
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    an evening by the fire

    i got my green tea, my thai weed
    and a battered copy of dostoyevsky
    i sip my tea and light my sensi
    before thumbing these faded pages
    searching for the resting place
    of a bookmark which is actually
    a train ticket i used once upon a time
    on a journey of the mind and i'm
    smiling sitting by this fireside
    i sigh and watch steam rising
    from my cup watching smoke filtering
    up towards the ceiling and i'm
    still a dreamer just like i was
    but i'm just chilling out tonight
    because dreams can be as simple
    as me sitting with my green tea
    this thai weed and a old copy of
    a novel by dostoyevsky beside me

  2. #2
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
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    This flowed really well, Sampson, a simple subject but it worked very well. Good stuff.

    You might want to remove 'I sigh' from line 10, as it slows down the flow; and the second reference at the end to the copy of Dostoyevsky seems unnecessary. Is there anything different you can do? Maybe you could change it so you're looking at Dostoyevsky, or reading his thoughts, or something that transforms the scene - and might seem appropriate if you've been smoking something stronger than tobacco...

  3. #3
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    Perhaps you could end with "just a dreamer", the rest is self explanatory. One thought surpasses the next and the flow is seamless.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  4. #4
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    I do admire the things that were mentioned by Haunted and B|V but disagree with B|V's objection to the 2nd reference to Dostoievski, which I think makes an essential point: that is, the everydayness of the scene, the fact that Dostoievski has been around in your life for quite some time, no big deal, no more than is the green tea or the Thai weed.

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