The Meeting of Boy and Girl

[myawho]

This story was inspired by true events, however, the actuall events didnt happen like this at all. This story came to be when I was rejected for a kiss.

Feedback is highly requested! please give feedback on the story and not the grammar or spelling please. ^_^

Btw.. when i say things like, There was Girl, or something like, Boy looked at Girl, it's ment to be like that. Boy and Girl is the character's names.
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CAST: Boy & Girl

There was one day in a gigantic city, where Boy was standing on the sidewalk with a sign, half his size, saying FREE HUGS. A few people stopped. One girl who thought it was funny stopped and hugged Boy. There was, also, a man with his girlfriend and a small child who all stopped and hugged Boy.

There was Girl, however, who saw his sign and walk his way and Boy noticed her intentions. Girl was beautiful, Boy thought, and he hoped that Girl would participate in his FREE HUGS service. Girl also thought Boy was fairly cute, quirky, and creative to come up with FREE HUGS on the corner of a big city street.

Girl finally got to Boy, “Can I have a Hug?” Girl asked.

“Well of course you can!” Boy said with a smile.

They hug, both with secret smiles and a warm feeling in the pit of their stomachs. They finished and Boy held his sign up again. ”Can I have a kiss?” Girl asked. Boy looked at her, then at his sign, then back at her, “Kisses cost extra.” Boy responds.

Girl couldn’t help but laugh to herself, she put her hand in her hoody pocket with her finger tips on her wallet. “What does it cost?” Girl asked.

Boy looked at her with a disappointed, and depressed face and responded.

”It costs a relationship.” Boy said.

[hillwalker]

The story - well, it all hinges on the cheesiness of that final line. Not bad in itself, but a bit corny and not much material for a story to hang on (even one as short as this).

I'm wondering why you need a response on the story since it has some autobiographical relevance - so any criticism is likely to be taken personally is it not? The plot is so basic that there's not much one can say other than 'I like it' or 'I hate it'. Personally there's not enough here to make one feel either, but I will say that it made me smile because it has a certain charm.

You specifically ask the reader not to comment on grammar, but it is a fairly fundamental requirement that your efforts be understood and written as well as you are able if you expect us to treat your work respectfully. It's a bit like an artist asking critics to judge his painting on whether or not they like the subject rather than on his ability to paint.

The reason I mention this is because the opening sentence doesn't start very well - those first eight words are a mess. And also you tend to change from past tense to present then back to past again.

H

[myawho]

the refrence, "It's a bit like an artist asking critics to judge his painting on whether or not they like the subject rather than on his ability to paint." is not exactly in my eyes. I was simply asking if the story itself is okay, and not the way i wrote the story.

If you want to bring visual art into this then please criticue my visual art,



And it wouldn't be taken personally because all of these characters come from my imagination, not from real life. Im just saying that this story came from a personal experience of mine, this story however is highly fictional.

[Haunted]

You drew this? It's awesome! Love b/w art.

It's witty with a good punch line that hints at some depth. But it's essentially a single scene and I'm not sure it qualifies as a story which I would expect some character development and plot. Still it's a very enjoyable piece.

[hillwalker]

The picture is something I can't even begin to comment on - how do you create something so amazing?

As for the comment about your story - you were basically asking whether we liked the plot or not. And since it's based on a life experience of yours you were asking whether we agreed you made the right decision or not to ask for a kiss. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Good luck, and let's have more stories please.

H

[YesNo]

The drawing is amazing and I enjoyed the story.

The ending to the story was surprising. I wasn't sure what Boy would say when asked what a kiss would cost. The only criticism I have is that I didn't understand why his answer should make him "disappointed" with a "depressed" look on his face.

I hope to read more.

[myawho]

Hes disappointed and depressed because he has been through failed relationships in the past. he is scared to kiss her without learning her personality and know her, that way he knows that his relationship with her could last... at least a while. His free hugs survise shows that all these failed relationships makes him search despratly for love.

Maybe i need to add this to the story. ^_^"