Results 1 to 15 of 15

Thread: Have you seen her?

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Woking, United Kingdom
    Posts
    2,279
    Blog Entries
    109

    Have you seen her?

    The coffee shop was quiet
    Much quieter than last week
    When I last saw her,
    Which was also the first time
    But in those seven days
    She has filled my every thought
    I have haunted the coffee shop everyday
    But I haven’t seen her again
    And today once more
    There is no sign of her
    I should ask the waitress
    But what would I say
    “Have you seen that girl?
    She was here a week ago
    The girl who was sat there
    In that easy chair
    The girl with the chestnut hair
    In a pixie cut, have you seen her”?
    How ridiculous would that sound?
    She would think me mad
    Or worse a stalker
    Maybe if I told her about her smile
    A smile to brighten the darkest day
    Or those green eyes
    Hypnotic and mesmerising,
    Or that soft velvet laugh
    But no I would just sound creepy
    So I order a coffee instead
    And sit in her corner
    Drinking my coffee
    While pondering my insanity
    “Do you mind if I join you”?
    A voice halted my musings
    It was her, my quarry
    She was here and she was speaking to me
    “Absolutely, please do”
    I replied rather pompously
    “I love this corner” she said
    “I like to sit and watch the world go by”
    We exchanged a smile
    But now she was actually here
    I was speechless and my head was spinning
    And I felt a little guilty
    For stalking her like prey
    Then, in a soft easy tone
    She spoke again, which put me at my ease
    “Didn’t I see you in here last week?”

  2. #2
    Just call me Beau! Beautifull's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    3,267
    Blog Entries
    52
    This is beautiful. I love it.
    Find your dream and stick with it...or your life will have slipped past in a whisper with you still on the bottom.

  3. #3
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Montreal, QC
    Posts
    8,746
    Blog Entries
    1
    Lovely narrative, but shouldn't you introduce a line break before

    “Do you mind if I join you”?
    A voice halted my musings
    and switch to the present tense at that point and for the rest of the poem?

  4. #4
    I really liked the idea of this poem Biggus. I even think the four (nearly) identical rhymes work! The psychological build up is very acute, espcially the repetition, leading to the 'pondering insanity'...I have definately wondered about that before lol

  5. #5

  6. #6
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Montreal, QC
    Posts
    8,746
    Blog Entries
    1
    Bump.

  7. #7
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    10,145
    Blog Entries
    4
    Love it, it's like a dream come true.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  8. #8
    Just call me Beau! Beautifull's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    3,267
    Blog Entries
    52
    I likedit so much I had to blog about it. Once again, I have to say how much i love it.

    http://www.online-literature.com/for...og.php?b=11118
    Last edited by Beautifull; 10-22-2010 at 03:54 PM.
    Find your dream and stick with it...or your life will have slipped past in a whisper with you still on the bottom.

  9. #9

  10. #10
    Just call me Beau! Beautifull's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    3,267
    Blog Entries
    52
    You are very welcome!
    Find your dream and stick with it...or your life will have slipped past in a whisper with you still on the bottom.

  11. #11

  12. #12
    Just call me Beau! Beautifull's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    3,267
    Blog Entries
    52
    Quote Originally Posted by Biggus View Post
    BTW I read your blog, thank you.
    Welcome! I don't know, this poem just stood out to me.
    Find your dream and stick with it...or your life will have slipped past in a whisper with you still on the bottom.

  13. #13
    Death awaits...
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    13,593
    Blog Entries
    5
    Oh Biggus this one is absolutely beautiful, well done.

  14. #14
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    At the north border
    Posts
    3,381
    Blog Entries
    156
    It is too easy, but I guess these things can happen.

  15. #15

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •