A sonnet to my own Dark lady

[Gizlam]

The prefect company for the evenings
To wake me up on a lazy sunday morn
Daylight or Moonlight can't change my feelings
Im devoted to you, a slave, a pawn.
Some say your too sweet but your right for me
Warming me up and filling the chasums
My milky brown beaut, the real dark lady.
Your complex, different. I try to fathom
Why the whole world doesn't fall to the floor
In your presence. I think they're lunatics
For surely a sane person would adore.
The texture, the scent, the taste and the fix
Recieved by you just being with me
Is the reason I love my cup of tea

Its not completely there obviously. I created this on a quick bus journey to the pharmacy (which was shut ¬¬). Just honest opinions dont try a skim around the bad bit cause you think i might get sad. I'd rather get real criticsm please.

Oh btw iambic pentameter i having tried (if its there its by accident) i think with it it becomes too structured but never mind

Thanks

Goodbye world... see you further down the path

[Delta40]

I haven't checked the iambic pentameter, since I fail on that score! Witty poem about one's relationship with a cuppa. Very good. Suggest you use 'you're' rather than 'your'. Chasm is misspelled. Please post more

[Gizlam]

Thankyou

thanks for pointing out the spellings and such. That is my down point sadly which is why i think posting is a good idea to work on them bit.

I'll try posting some more when inspiration strikes

For now I think i'll just go make myself a cuppa :P

[hillwalker]

Your most glaring typos are using 'your' when you should use 'you're' (the correct abbreviated form of 'you are')...

and presumably 'prefect' in L1 should be 'perfect'.

As far as the metrical form of the sonnet is concerned this is not written in iambic pentameter so no need to apologise for thinking some might have slipped in accidentally.

An iamb is simply one double beat - ti-tum - and a pentameter is a set of 5 of these in one line of verse -

ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum [10 beats to the line]

None of the lines in this sonnet follow this particular rhythmical pattern (and a couple either exceed or fall short of 10 beats in one line anyway).

BUT it's a cleverly written piece, very original and witty.

My advice, either concentrate on writing whatever you want without getting too hung up on form and style for now...

or get a decent guide to the workings of poetry if you feel you really have to write to strict form.

H

[Cunninglinguist]

Keep in mind that when you write in iambic pentameter it doesnt have to be perfect. In my opinion meter (not necessarily iambic) always sounds/flows better and/or more naturally, and is even more important than rhyme (Milton, back me up on this one!). I find that, if youre writing in iambs, it is really only critical that you get the last line or two (along with the heroic couplet) in perfect or near perfect (you may start with a trochee) iambic so the reader or listener feels that it is the end of the sonnet.

[Gizlam]

Thanks people! Im really going to have to do some read throughs of future work if there are this many mistakes. But i am so grateful for you pointing them out And for the information about the pentameters (It was sadly never explained properly to me in class) I will attempt to use it in my next piece.

Thanks again.