She lowered her eyes
Mirroring the setting sun
As the evening light
Of their own shared existence
Faded into the twilight.
She lowered her eyes
Mirroring the setting sun
As the evening light
Of their own shared existence
Faded into the twilight.
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
Just a reminder (more a dig in the ribs really) that anyone else considering taking part this month's deadline is one minute to midnight Tuesday 28th September.
H
The deadline has passed - let the judging begin :
5 Tankas (all adhering to the short-long-short-long-long format and 3 actually sticking to the traditional 5-7-5-7-7 form). Great stuff!
AdoreroDio - loved the title and the first 2 lines - written in such a gentle, selfless voice
DanielBenoit - the closing line in this was my favourite and the suggestion of the woods under moonlight
Dark Muse - you paint quite a melancholy image but round it off with a message of hope
Pendragon - history written as a set of headlines - a very original style, perhaps let down by line 4 that reads rather awkwardly
RaoulDuke - an evocative image of the twilight of an affair perhaps - indicated by one set of eyes unable to stay fixed on another's - and it fits the form to perfection without appearing forced.
Not the easiest of decisions to make but the winner is
RaoulDuke for such an elegant tanka.
Thanks everyone for participating.
H
Congratulations, RaoulDuke! Sorry about that awkward line, Hillwalker, but thanks for the kind words!
Some of us laugh
Some of us cry
Some of us smoke
Some of us lie
But it's all just the way
that we cope with our lives...
We all do it - just sometimes we read our own lines differently to the way others do. And never apologise :-)Originally Posted by Pendragon
....unless you did something wrong!
H
Thanks Pendragon, and of course hillwalker. "Evocative" and "elegant" are high praise for any poet and I'm thrilled that you associate the words with my tanka.
I'm going to have a browse through the lengthy history of this thread and try and come up with a form that hasn't been attempted yet, which I will post tomorrow.
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
Scratch that - a flash of inspiration and a quick "search this thread" and we're away.
Moving away from Japan but sticking with rigid syllable poems, I've opted for a rictameter - which takes the following syllabic form:
2,4,6,8,10,8,6,4,2
...with the first and last line being the same word.
I will set the deadline for 3 weeks from now; a smidgen before midnight on October 20th
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
running
towards something
a thing greater than past
perhaps my brilliant, bright future
but something holds me back from destiny
past drags me under, suffocates
fear quickens my footsteps
getting away
running
"O reason, reason, abstract phantom of the waking state, I had already expelled you from my dreams, now I have reached a point where those dreams are about to become fused with apparent realities: now there is only room here for myself. "
-Louis Aragon
My Jade Tears
Jade tears
bittersweet fall
raining locust blossoms,
your lingering scent haunts me still
and you face is a reoccurring dream,
the heart unfolds in rose petals,
blood on new fallen snow,
willows weeping
jade tears.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ~ Edgar Allan Poe
Crivens! Here we are post deadline day, and only two poems submitted. Well, a straight shoot-out it is then.
Thank you both for posting, I enjoyed reading and dissecting your poems.
AdoreroDio - Both the running metaphor and the image conjured of the poet quickening the pace suits the syllable pattern very well. The phrase 'Fear quickens my footsteps' is particularly descriptive.
Dark Muse - I love the oriental feel to your entry, it is mysterious and understated. I like how it describes the mix of emotions stirred up by the loss of someone close.
Enjoyed them both immensely, but my favourite is the entry by AdoreroDio.
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
Because it seems AdoreroDio has gone MIA I have been asked to present the next form and try and get this thread going again.
So for your next Form Poetry Challenge I give you the Quadrilew. It is a form of a Quatrain with a rhyme of abab, alternating syllable scheme and repeating lines.
The structure follows as thus:
VERSE ONE,
Line 1, 5 syllables.
Line 2, 6 syllables.
Line 3, 5 syllables.
Line 4, 6 syllables.
VERSE TWO,
Line 1, (which is a REPEAT of line 2 of the FIRST verse) has 6 syllables.
Line 2 new line of 5 syllables
Line 3 new line of 6 syllables
Line 4 new line of 5 syllables.
VERSE THREE,
Line 1, (which is a REPEAT of line 3 of the first verse) has 5 syllables.
Line 2 new line of 6 syllables.
Line 3 new line of 5 syllables.
Line 4 new line of 6 syllables.
VERSE FOUR,
Line 1, (which is a REPEAT of line 4 of the first verse) has 6 syllables.
Line 2 new line of 5 syllables.
Line 3 new line of 6 syllables.
Line 4 new line of 5 syllables.
Deadline is pending
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ~ Edgar Allan Poe
Thoughts make ghosts appear.
They wait on us by day.
Nighttime brings them near
In dreams where some might play.
They wait on us by day,
Feeling love not fear.
Perhaps they want to say
What we want to hear.
Nighttime brings them near.
Who knows? Some of them may
Whisper in an ear
Soft mantras we could pray.
In dreams where some might play,
Nothing seems as clear
As mists that rise then stray:
Thoughts we still hold dear.
Thank you for starting us off with a first great entry.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ~ Edgar Allan Poe
I was going to wait until I got more entries to judge a good deadline date but maybe that is just making people procrastiante
So, the Deadline will be April 5th
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ~ Edgar Allan Poe
Way too difficult.
YesNo gets my vote.
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