Collage

[symphony]

8PM. The subway. The overheard conversations. They’re never about lemon trees. Someone’s friend’s boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend slept around. Someone put gum in someone’s hair. Someone tripped on their heels. Cats. Club nights. Ecstasy. Love...


...Ladies and Lovers, when tonight you meet in jazz,
pour yourself some of that celestial wine.
Take small sips. Laugh. Attract. Bask. Forget...


The stores are always on fire. But oh you look so good in that dress! Wow you changed your hair color! And your eyes too! I’m thinking of getting new lashes soon. And yes new nails. Are you seeing him anymore? ‘Cuz if you don’t I might...


...When she sipped, she sipped deep, so the wine and her lips
blended in one red lie. Turning in the Paris of his arms
she smiled red, and whispered in his ears, “L’amour passera”... *


It’s the end of a day. I’ve reached my stop. I get off the train. My hands feel cold and numb. I’m not, though. I walk an empty platform, thinking about lemon trees.


...The city neons pass him every night as he drives.
Once in a while he looks at the rear-view mirror:
“L’amour passera”. He tunes in to a slow jazz and smiles.

Symphony
26 August, '10

* Love will pass.

[Delta40]

I really like this narration effect of overheard conversations on the subway.

[hillwalker]

A very original and engaging style - and some of the lines are extremely well-crafted.

I particularly like :

the wine and her lips blended in one red lie

H

[symphony]

Thanks, both of you. I have been trying to write this poem for a few days now. Then it suddenly came very easy yesterday when I was on the subway for an hour. Wrote it there.

[Haunted]

The trivialities in the conversations are very fun to read.

[Skia]

Ah good old subway
Very good for inspiration..
Oh you meant "trains" subway... Thats good too :P

[PrinceMyshkin]

Speaking of lemon trees, did you know this gorgeous quatrain:

Know'st thou the land where the lemon-trees bloom,
Where the gold orange glows in the deep thickets gloom,
Where a wind ever soft from the blue heaven blows,
And the groves are of Laurel and myrtle and rose?

Goethe, Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship

I had it somewhere in German but have misplaced it.

It's SO GOOD to see you back here again with your incomparable ear for the music of the English language whether in prose dialogue or in poetry!!!

[Jerrybaldy]

unique and accessible well crafted and satsifying to read.
cheers
JB

[symphony]

Thanks all for commenting.

Prince, it's SO GOOD to be back. I wonder already when I'll write another poem though. I seem to be quite slow these days. And thanks for that lovely quatrain (no I havent seen it before), which makes one want to look at life as a celebration.

[symphony]

It would actually help to get a critique on this one. Anyone?

[Pensive]

...When she sipped, she sipped deep, so the wine and her lips
blended in one red lie

What a line!
Simply love this piece, symphony! Very unique and engaging.

[symphony]

Thank you Pensive.

I was just checking out this round's picture in the Picture Poetry contest thread and noticed the previous rounds picture by Alexander. Amazing how it goes with this poem so well. So I thought I'll post the picture here.

[Virgil]

I really like the concept Symph and what you have is engaging. It feels however incomplete, or too short. The problem I see is that if you expand it becomes a short story and loses the poetic intensity. So there is a balance between story and poetry. The other criticism I might have is that it doesn't have depth. The comments seem bubble-gummy, or in other words adulencent. I guess at my age such overheard conversations don't mean much unless there is some deeper meaning. I would venture to guess that the satiric point you're making is that these people are childish. Ok, but that leaves the poem on that level too. But I think the form has potential.

[symphony]

I know the prose parts are bubble-gummy and I intended them to be so (although I agree they threaten to quash the quality of the writing itself) but I also hoped the sudden dives into the instants I started picturing while listening to those overheard conversations will serve as a contrast and build the poem here. I wanted the italics parts to be like flashes-- pictures...images that come up-- as influenced by the collage of conversations one might hear in the subway, while giving off the concept of love today, and thus make the piece a collage of prose and poetry.

Thanks Virgil for the feedback. Much appreciated.

[Virgil]

I know the prose parts are bubble-gummy and I intended them to be so (although I agree they threaten to quash the quality of the writing itself) but I also hoped the sudden dives into the instants I started picturing while listening to those overheard conversations will serve as a contrast and build the poem here. I wanted the italics parts to be like flashes-- pictures...images that come up-- as influenced by the collage of conversations one might hear in the subway, while giving off the concept of love today, and thus make the piece a collage of prose and poetry.

Thanks Virgil for the feedback. Much appreciated.

The italic sections were by far more interesting.