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Thread: every poem i've ever written

  1. #1
    Registered User Sampson's Avatar
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    every poem i've ever written

    'tap out sweet poetry
    let these fingers flow
    over the keys like these
    words wash over me
    sitting under a tree
    by the sea in my mind
    crafting rhymes from the
    nature my mind perceives
    and i breath the sweet
    summer time breeze
    and i'm free

    i feel like i'm flying
    riding the rhythm on
    a raft crafted from
    rhymes with nothing
    more than dime bag
    and this beautiful
    madness which
    consumes my mind
    and white lines on
    highways fade into
    vision while i'm spitting
    and my mission is clear
    once more

    one two three four
    my folklore core
    the muse the future
    i talked about before
    a midnight call in the
    hall and an unlawful
    falling sensation
    all the impatient pacing
    all the times she set my
    mind racing
    i took the feeling and
    put pen to paper'

    and you are every poem
    i've ever written
    for exactly that reason

  2. #2
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    This is good - it has a certain swing to it, and I love the idea of one person (?) being the crystalisation of every poem you have ever written.

    The second verse is best by far - i has a brilliant opening.

    One very minir point - line breaks are usually controlled by the writer through instinct; less important than punctuation and something that can be rearranged at will (sometimes it's down to how wide the sheet of paper is or the font size on the screen)..... BUT a couple of your lines break oddly :

    crafting rhymes from the
    nature my mind perceives


    and

    a midnight call in the
    hall and an unlawful
    falling sensation


    If you pause for the slightest intake of breath at the end of each line you'll see why the two examples above need changing (imo a line would never end with 'the')

    also 'breath' in line 9 should probably be 'breathe'

    H

  3. #3
    My mind's in rags breathtest's Avatar
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    this would definitely sound good spoken
    'For sale: baby shoes, never worn'. Hemingway

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