A Prologue

[adityasam]

Hi, I am try to write my first novel and I have been able to write this prologue. You will come to know the field of my writing after you read it. Please please provide a feedback, I will accept it even if you say it was the worst piece of writing in your life, but want feedback on it. I love graphics and all the chunky stuff and so thought of creating a logo.

PROLOGUE

"Why didn't you try this one, John?" said Dr.Harewood
"I did, doctor, but.....("I hear voices in my head.....John's phone rings)
A fearful glance by both of them at the clock, 1:15 AM.
Both Harewood and Smith gave everything to their field of research, Drug Chemistry. It can't be a surprise
as both men often discussed their plans upto late in the night. Harewood wasn't married yet and sometimes he would sleep over
at John's place.
"Be right back, Mark"
As John was walking towards his phone, various thoughts were occured to his brain. Could it be a threat call or a call from his
Diabetic father or it could even be the call he had been waiting for.
In a tense state, he took the call
“Hello?”
“Hello sir, Am I speaking to Mr. John Smith”
“Yes”
“Sir, My name is Rahul and I am calling from Promathus Pharma, India“
“Ah, Promathus,Yeah, Go on Rahul” John said in an anxious state
“I am very pleased to inform you that you were successful in your interview for the post of Assistant Director for ‘Project M’. And I would like to extend a warm welcome to you when you join us here within a week!”
“ Oh ’Project M’! Thank you, thanks a lot, Very much excited and I am eagerly looking forward to it.“
“Yes sir and we will be sending you a flight ticket to arrive at Delhi and another one for Hyderabad. Anyway you needn’t worry, One of our representatives will be at the airport in Delhi to assist you. You will get to know more details once you reach Delhi” Rahul said
“Yeah... Sure Sure”
"Good Luck, Sir.”
“Oh thank you, thanks a lot, Rahul.”
“Most welcome sir”
John Smith couldn’t believe his luck, ASSISTANT DIRECTOR FOR PROJECT M. A dream come true for any scientist dealing with drugs. He smilingly turned towards Mark.
"What's it John?"

I'll post more if you like it!

[hillwalker]

Disappointing that no one has bothered responding to your prologue – what does that tell you??

As one who knows a little more about the plot and the characters, this opening is perhaps too trivial to capture the reader’s attention. It is a record of a telephone conversation….. and that’s all it is.

As the writer, of course, you know the significance of it – John being given such a prestigious job. And how important this is to the story itself. But it comes across very clearly that you still don’t know very much more about the scene in question or about the two people talking here than the reader does. This conversation could just as easily be taking place between two robots communicating in some unreal world (a touch of Mr. Spock from ‘Star Trek’).

I accept that perhaps day-to-day conversation in India is conducted more formally than in countries like the UK or America, so the language you employ is possibly accurate in its context.
But….. could you answer the following questions without hesitation?

1) when does this conversation take place (local time in India)?
2) what time is it where John is (wherever that is)?
3) has Rahul had his first coffee of the day yet – or is he on his fifteenth by this time?
4) is John alone when he takes the call?
5) how does Rahul feel immediately before placing the call?
6) how does John feel on first hearing the telephone ring?
7) how do you know John was in an ecstatic mood?

My impression is that you do not know any of the above without having to give it some thought because you did not consider them important to the plot.
BUT they are important in bringing the characters to life. You don’t have to tell us any of the above in this prologue, but you have to demonstrate that you know everything about your protagonists – and so far you have not really done this well enough for any readers to ask for more.

Do you agree?

H