Demons (First Short Story)

[qnnplmr]

This is the first short story that I have ever written, and could really use some feedback

Demons

The man tore down the empty, deathly silent alleyway, his feet given speed by abject terror. The Devil himself followed not far behind, red skin glinting in the occasional pool of light amidst the darkness of night. The man glanced behind him. Not five feet away was a terrible wraith, teeth glistening and dripping toxic venom, sizzling into the asphalt. Faster and faster the man charged through the gripping black. Up and to his left, the grim reaper caught his eye hovering menacingly over the abandoned rooftops, death sending its scythe whirring through the air towards its target. His lungs and legs were burning now, the ache in his muscles slowly beginning to overcome the terror in his soul.

He tripped, stumbled, and caught himself, clinging desperately to his childhood for support. As he remembered the beatings, the abuse, that support crumbled in his hands and he fell to the ground. Picking himself back up, he looked around desperately for something to defend himself with. He found his love life. It looked sturdy enough, but as soon as he picked it up, he found that it was hollow. It broke into pieces in his hand. As a last ditch effort, he hid himself behind his ego. There was silence for a moment. Suddenly, with the screech of rending self-love, his last defense was torn apart like so much tissue paper. He lay on the ground, staring up at the devil, the wraith, and the reaper. His heart was gripped in a cage of ice.

Then, the terror was gone.

He opened his eyes and smiled. Death was a welcome recourse from the demons of his past. As the technician pulled the lever, 400,000 volts of electricity pumped through him, stopping his heart and instantly searing the life from his body.

[hillwalker]

It's rather too hectic, given that's it's such a short piece. It's like travelling inside a car where the driver either has his foot flat on the accelerator or is stamping on the brakes - the pace makes for uncomfortable reading, probably because you are trying too hard to make an impact.

Firstly, that opening sentence -
'tore' ? 'ran' would be just as effective
and 'empty, deathly silent alleyway' - again, rather over-the-top
then 'his feet given speed' sounds wrong, and the cliche 'abject terror' to finish it off. Not a brilliant opening.

All you were trying to say was 'He ran down the empty alley, spurred on by terror.' Not a classic line and I'm sure you can come up with a better one, but at least the reader is given some breathing space to use his/her imagination. For me the opening words left me dreading what might be coming next - not plot-wise but style-wise. A pity because the paragraph improves towards the end.

And then we come to that paragraph you ask us to vote on (how weird??) - the metaphors made sense, but again in terms of style it's like a Wagnerian opera complete with fireworks, ice-skaters, marching bands and performing elephants. Way too much. From the plot I was left imagining a Marvel comic special edition with every baddie known to man crammed into a single-page spread.....

The idea behind what you are trying to write is ok - with a semi-clever twist ending. But you need to look at your technique and find more subtle ways in which you can engage the reader rather than hitting them over the head to impress.

H

[qnnplmr]

First off, I want to thank you for your input. But I do have a question - As to the hectic style, that was purposeful in that I wanted this to seem like a man's worst nightmare. "a Wagnerian opera complete with fireworks, ice-skaters, marching bands and performing elephants" seems about the intensity of a bad nightmare, one from which a person would be more than relieved to wake up. The entirety of the over-the-top style was due to this point - the fact that the theme of a nightmare called for unrealistic, "unworldly" writing because it is occurring in the subconscious of the main character - not in reality. With this in mind, do you still feel that the style does not work with the story?

[hillwalker]

I think the horror of the nightmare needs a more subtle approach for it to truly horrify the reader. It's difficult in such a short piece of writing to generate atmosphere and pace as well as create the right imagery. You have the nuts and bolts in place, but they are not connected in a way that give any structure to the story.

'Up and to his left, the grim reaper caught his eye hovering menacingly over the abandoned rooftops, death sending its scythe whirring through the air towards its target.'

stands out as a good piece of writing - because we are given time to see it with our own eyes, and savour the clever use of metaphor.

The rest is rather like a meal full of tasty dishes, but too much to stomach in one sitting. I guess if you were to expand the story a little, feeding in an idea here and there as the scene unfolds rather than lining them up the way you have here, would make this a more powerful piece and allow you to achieve what you set out to do.

Don't give up on this one, but think of it as a movie. One scene after another filled with block-buster action never works as well as a truly memorable sequence where the tension is allowed to build up first.

H

[adityasam]

Keeping the title in mind, I felt the story was very good. The Opening was difficult to understand but it hooked me, when I read it for the second time. Metaphors were very nice in the second para. With the title in mind, I think this is a story of gore and violence and if that is the case, your way of writing absolutely suits it, Bull's Eye! For such stories, you have to give details about each and every thing related to the main character. Well done, I am waiting for more!

Regards

[qnnplmr]

I think the horror of the nightmare needs a more subtle approach for it to truly horrify the reader. It's difficult in such a short piece of writing to generate atmosphere and pace as well as create the right imagery. You have the nuts and bolts in place, but they are not connected in a way that give any structure to the story.

'Up and to his left, the grim reaper caught his eye hovering menacingly over the abandoned rooftops, death sending its scythe whirring through the air towards its target.'

stands out as a good piece of writing - because we are given time to see it with our own eyes, and savour the clever use of metaphor.

The rest is rather like a meal full of tasty dishes, but too much to stomach in one sitting. I guess if you were to expand the story a little, feeding in an idea here and there as the scene unfolds rather than lining them up the way you have here, would make this a more powerful piece and allow you to achieve what you set out to do.

Don't give up on this one, but think of it as a movie. One scene after another filled with block-buster action never works as well as a truly memorable sequence where the tension is allowed to build up first.

H

Well thank you very much, that makes much more sense. I will continue to work on this and I will post any improvements that I make I really appreciate your honest feedback!

Keeping the title in mind, I felt the story was very good. The Opening was difficult to understand but it hooked me, when I read it for the second time. Metaphors were very nice in the second para. With the title in mind, I think this is a story of gore and violence and if that is the case, your way of writing absolutely suits it, Bull's Eye! For such stories, you have to give details about each and every thing related to the main character. Well done, I am waiting for more!

Regards

Wow, thanks so much! I just posted my second story at http://www.online-literature.com/for...678#post940678 if you're interested I really appreciate your feedback!