Is infidelity wrong?

[optimisticnad]

Trying teaching that to a bunch of 30+ years olds!

Really? Tell me more. Is this what you 'do'? How do you do it or go about it? I'm dead interested in the differences. I think my 13 year olds are more 'fun', they have so much life and spark in them and every generation seems to come up with new and innovative ways to wind the teacher up. But they didn't expect this one to be quite so insane, it puzzeles them.

[Shannanigan]

Trying teaching that to a bunch of 30+ years olds!

How very interesting, Meg. For me, it would be just the opposite. Even though I would be devastated equally in both cases, I could try to be understanding if my partner fell in love with someone else and wanted to pursue that relationship. I don't think I would like to stand in the way of their happiness together.

However, if that person risked what we had for a one night stand or for something purely physical (and probably temporary), I don't think I could ever bring myself forgive or respect that person anymore simply because there was no emotional involvement in the second relationship.

I think Shan is very right that we all look at things differently and have different expectations and definitions especially when it comes to relationships.

So...it's the fact that your partner is capable of becoming physically active with someone else without having feelings for them that bothers you?

I find THAT interesting...because I come across many more people willing to forgive a one-night stand simply because of the fact that it is temporary and is not as emotionally "deep" as your relationship, and therefore "not a real threat" to your relationship. "The spark will die, the sex will become bland, and he'll come back to me," is what I tend to hear from women whose men are being unfaithful.

But, again, everyone's different.

...I think I even read a study that said women tend to be more hurt by emotional closeness, and men more hurt by physical acts, but I can't remember where I read it, and obviously, there are always exceptions to rules.

[blazeofglory]

So...it's the fact that your partner is capable of becoming physically active with someone else without having feelings for them that bothers you?

I find THAT interesting...because I come across many more people willing to forgive a one-night stand simply because of the fact that it is temporary and is not as emotionally "deep" as your relationship, and therefore "not a real threat" to your relationship. "The spark will die, the sex will become bland, and he'll come back to me," is what I tend to hear from women whose men are being unfaithful.

But, again, everyone's different.

...I think I even read a study that said women tend to be more hurt by emotional closeness, and men more hurt by physical acts, but I can't remember where I read it, and obviously, there are always exceptions to rules.

This is a very interesting discussion and it has raised the number of issues we always want discussed and debated.

In fact physical relationships with others in some cultures are things intolerable to their spouses, and in others it is tolerable and understandable. I have seen men having two wives in the same house. One night he sleeps with one wife and another night with another wife. Despite the fact that they sleep under the same roof there is perfect understanding and they do not fight over this fact.


Of course physical relationships breed emotional relationships and having an emotional relationship with one person and having a physical one with another is something that is not compatible

[billl]

I think that, if we are going to be faithful/trustworthy to our partner in a relationship, then we would be expected to make decisions that take into account their feelings and our respect for them.

However, I don't think it is reasonable to look at our inner feelings and emotions as things that we should censor outright. It might be worth considering why we might be becoming more and more fond of some co-worker or neighbor, or an old flame, etc. But, on the other hand, those feelings might eventually fade, or might blossom into something and demand a change of some sort in our relationship. But really, if there is no actual relationship going on, if it is just a yearning or feelings of emotional connection, then it is basically a case of humans having freedom of thought, of being able to explore ideas.

Joining in physical union with another person is, I think, something else. It is very definitely an action and a choice. If the relationship is based on an understanding (or even an oath) that physical sexual expression of love was something that was to remain between the partners exclusively, then cheating would be a step beyond fantasy and the consideration of what else might or might not be.

Although this whole question of emotional infidelity is not so simple, as it can lead to other types of infidelity. If some of the "emotional infidelity" concerns are based around "cheating" in terms of a partner's decision to simply spend time with a new person, or to put some new person's interests ahead of their spouse's, then the spouse would be right to be upset more and more, according to how long and how serious these sorts of things became. There would seem to be a problem, in a way it might be like a fantasy inching towards reality, step by step. It seems like there'd be shades of gray, and people might ignore it too long, or become concerned too soon, (or maybe weather the storm in an appropriate manner), according to different situations and different temperments.

But I really hope that those who are saying that they think emotional infidelity is worse than physical infidelity aren't saying that a partner is required to censor their thoughts and musings, and take them just as seriously as the actions they actually do commit. Yes, our imagination is a powerful 'thing' (perhaps even dangerous at times), but it has its uses too. We imagine many things without ultimately choosing to make them reality, and I think that is for the best.

[Scheherazade]

Really? Tell me more. Is this what you 'do'? How do you do it or go about it? I'm dead interested in the differences. I think my 13 year olds are more 'fun', they have so much life and spark in them and every generation seems to come up with new and innovative ways to wind the teacher up. But they didn't expect this one to be quite so insane, it puzzeles them.

Don't want to hijack this thread so, if you are interested in discussing this further, please either PM me or post in the Teaching section

I think part of it came from the military lifestyle. I spent seven years as a Navy spouse. During the time, I saw (well rather heard of later) many MANY men have one night stands in port when they were gone for six months at a time.

I understand that there are different circumstances when one needs to re-evaluate where they stand on certain issues, Meg.

Just wondering, when your husband were gone, were you or would you be tempted to have one night stands? Or would those Navy men be understanding towards their own wives'/partners' one night stands during the time they were gone?

So...it's the fact that your partner is capable of becoming physically active with someone else without having feelings for them that bothers you?

(To begin with, I wholeheartedly agree with you that we are all different and, also, we would act differently under different circumstances. )

No, not at all... What bothers me is that for the sake of temporary physical excitement or temptation, one should betray or risk the emotional one. Physical at the expense of emotional...

Having said that I am assuming that one is in a dedicated and exclusive relationship.

[OrphanPip]

No, not at all... What bothers me is that for the sake of temporary physical excitement or temptation, one should betray or risk the emotional one. Physical at the expense of emotional...

Having said that I am assuming that one is in a dedicated and exclusive relationship.

I feel the same as you Sheh. It is understandable, yet upsetting, for a partner to develop feelings for other people that are beyond their control. However, choosing to betray the trust of a partner merely for a physical experience just reeks of a lack of respect for their partner and what their relationship means.

[applepie]

Just wondering, when your husband were gone, were you or would you be tempted to have one night stands? Or would those Navy men be understanding towards their own wives'/partners' one night stands during the time they were gone?

I suppose it depended on the relationship. I would have been more likely to forgive, but I can't promise I would. By nature I'm your monogamous relationship type of girl. The good news is that my husband is as well, so there was no wandering on our part. There were lots of other like us where it may have destroyed their marriage if any infidelity occured.

I did see couples, though, that they thought nothing of having another person on the side while they were separated. I guess you would call them open relationships, but it was only acceptable while separated. Finally you had the third group. This one I never really got because often both partners were unfaithful, but then then they each had the nerve to be angry with the other. I guess it was the case where they kind of believed in monogamy, but neither partner was willing to adhere to it.

[Scheherazade]

From the OP:

Up until recently, I would have said that infidelity is both immoral and disrespectful. Then I adopted the view that it was disrespectful but not immoral (if it could be guaranteed that one's partner would never find out about it) and now I'm not sure it's even that much (disrespectful).

...

I feel that it's tacky to lie to someone you care about but I can't actually articulate why it is disrespectful or why honesty is a moral virtue in circumstances where lying wouldn't alleviate suffering or cause pleasure/happiness. I just don't see how you could lie to someone and be truly intimate with them. If nothing else, I think cheating is morally irresponsible for the simple fact that you cannot guarantee your partner will never find out and it wouldn't be worth the risk of causing them distress.

[Propter W.]

In my opinion it's not immoral. I'm not sure it's disrespectful either.

[mrv]

I think it's stupid and/or pathetic. I don't judge things from the moral perspective so I can't say if it is immoral. Disrespectful...it might be.
I can't go with any of the options given in the poll.

[kiki1982]

The two questions you ask are not compatible...

The one is about infedilty alone. Is it wrong? It depends what you have agreed with your partner. If you have agreed that doing it with another once in a while is ok, then infidelity is not wrong. If you haven't agreed upon that, then it is wrong, I would say, yes. Mind you, fidelity, I don't think, can be forced upon two people who choose together not to be entirely respectful of that. Not even a church marriage should imply for them two that they have to be enirely faithful to each other. You have agreed between yourselves to be faithful to the other, yes, but faithfulness is more than just 'that'.

Cheating implies that firstly one doesn't know that the other is doing it with another, which isn't fair, and secondly that it is not allowed. So, then, I would say it is wrong. Whether it is immoral is another matter. Disrespectful, yes.

[The Comedian]

I think it's stupid and/or pathetic. I don't judge things from the moral perspective so I can't say if it is immoral. Disrespectful...it might be.
I can't go with any of the options given in the poll.

:-) Well, if infidelity is stupid, pathetic and possibly disrespectful, then you've pretty much said it's immoral without sayin' so.

[mrv]

:-) Well, if infidelity is stupid, pathetic and possibly disrespectful, then you've pretty much said it's immoral without sayin' so.

Is being stupid and pathetic immoral?

Disrespect of a stupid and pathetic person is not something I'd be bothered about.

Morality does not stand for anything specific for me.

So, I don't think I have managed to say anything I did not say. That's just your own way perceiving it.