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Thread: Pain

  1. #1
    Registered User amandab's Avatar
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    Pain

    I can’t stand to look at you
    it hurts me so
    I fear leaving you
    because I need you so
    different thing wanted
    separation imminent
    the pain of all this
    to much to take
    removal necessary
    longing much
    for the happiness
    I once had
    no one even knows
    the torment of my days
    they say they are
    a friend
    but no one wonders enough
    to check IN
    all else is wrapped up in their own messes
    to be sturdy for me
    I’m needy
    I know
    but giving I am
    try to reach out
    no one sees
    people only see
    when I exploded
    with what’s bothering me
    so unsafe for me
    it pushes others away
    what else to do
    how else to explain
    my
    PAIN

  2. #2
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Checking IN

    Enjoyed your poem. I sense the angst your protagonist feels.

    If I may indulge in a bit of a rewrite (yet try to keep your style intact).
    I've included some line breaks to make your poem easier on my eyes:

    "Pain"

    I can not stand to look at you;
    it hurts me so much

    Still, I fear leaving
    because I need you so

    Changes are needed;
    separation seems imminent

    The pain I feel is much
    too much for me to take

    I know I must leave

    Oh, how I long
    for the happiness
    we once had

    No one knows
    the torment of my days

    Some say they are
    my friends;
    but no one cares enough
    to check IN

    I guess they are wrapped
    up in their own messes
    to be here, strong for me

    I don't feel safe
    around myself;
    it pushes others away

    I’m needy, I know;
    yet I give, I am
    trying to reach out

    No one sees ME

    People only notice
    when I explode
    over what’s bothering me

    What else can I do ?

    How else to explain
    my
    PAIN


    Forgive me if I'm out of line. I hope this gives you an idea
    or two to help you polish up this nice piece.

    Sincerely,
    tailor STATELY
    Last edited by tailor STATELY; 02-18-2010 at 06:42 AM. Reason: line change; and too (thnx Bar - missed that)
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  3. #3
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amandab View Post
    I can’t stand to look at you
    it hurts me so
    I fear leaving you
    because I need you so
    different thing wanted
    separation imminent
    the pain of all this
    to much to take
    removal necessary
    longing much
    for the happiness
    I once had
    no one even knows
    the torment of my days
    they say they are
    a friend
    but no one wonders enough
    to check IN
    all else is wrapped up in their own messes
    to be sturdy for me
    I’m needy
    I know
    but giving I am
    try to reach out
    no one sees
    people only see
    when I exploded
    with what’s bothering me
    so unsafe for me
    it pushes others away
    what else to do
    how else to explain
    my
    PAIN
    This is really painful, uff. and you seem so lonely. Though you still have poetry to go through your pain with... and poetry is a powerful mean of catharsis...
    StatelyT gave you some good hints to add dynamism and a better shape to your poem. I just wanted to attract your attention to a typo: "to much to take", I suppose you meant "too much to take".
    Thanks for your sharing.

  4. #4
    Registered User amandab's Avatar
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    thanks for the comment and the correction idea

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