words of wisdom

[Sampson]

you could say i'm a man on a mission
a man with a plan that will come to fruition
i'll stand tall to absorb these words of wisdom
continue fishing through prolific seas
and listening, spitting with every emcee i meet
on my journey to turn words into practice
turn fiction into facts and twist back time
i see these concepts crop up in my rhymes
and it was never like i tried to be profound
but i constantly found my mind engaged
with ancient matters like time and space
i found my placing straining my resources
like i was forcing myself to rewrite the scriptures
rip up the torah and draw new pictures
new images and essentially new religion
and so my mission faultered and i saw in slow motion
like watching my own car totalled...

[Bar22do]

you could say i'm a man on a mission
a man with a plan that will come to fruition
i'll stand tall to absorb these words of wisdom
continue fishing through prolific seas
and listening, spitting with every emcee i meet
on my journey to turn words into practice
turn fiction into facts and twist back time
i see these concepts crop up in my rhymes
and it was never like i tried to be profound
but i constantly found my mind engaged
with ancient matters like time and space
i found my placing straining my resources
like i was forcing myself to rewrite the scriptures
rip up the torah and draw new pictures
new images and essentially new religion
and so my mission faultered and i saw in slow motion
like watching my own car totalled...

nevertheless, it is very probable you start anew, from the wrecks, for we so thirst for the impossible knowledge and so aspire for a world of inner and outer peace, with a space unlimited and with lasting time, i.e. the world of wisdom made manifest...
I cannot provide you with technical remarks (except perhaps for to me a bit too obvious mission/fruition/fishing) but have just read your poem from beginning to end as if deciphering your depth in seconds. Maybe it is also the theme, your honesty, but certainly the power of your lyric word.

[PrinceMyshkin]

No doubt because of the full and partial rhymes throughout this, my inner ear kind of reflexly added

and so my mission faultered and i saw in slow motion
like watching my own car totalled...

and broken to the final line, though "broken" would be a redundancy after "totalled," but I craved a closing rhyme to "motion." As structured, the poem seemed to cry out for more definitive closure.

[Sampson]

Bar22do, thank you for your comments. They were thought provoking, and helpful as this poem felt unfinished to me. Cheers!

And on the same note, Prince, you may have just provided me with the right word to continue the piece and build it into something a little more fully rounded. Nice one!

[MorpheusSandman]

I can definitely hear this one being put to a beat and working even better as a rap or spoken poetry. I don't think it works quite as well as dry text as is would in those other ways...