Lokasenna's Poetry Thread

[Lokasenna]

I read some advice on here somewhere suggesting that we should try and put all our poems in one thread, which seems like an excellent idea. This, therefore, will be my (infrequently updated) poetic gallery. Seriously, I have so little free time these days that my already slow output has declined even further.

Anyhow, here's the latest offering, about which I shall give no explanations, save that it is intended to be in the style of a narrative folk-song:

The Dead Places

In darkest darkness, deepest night,
In fire, and ice, and blood,
The tears of rime will freeze your sight,
For there the dead have stood.

Through darkling paths and ancient ways,
In fire, and ice, and fear,
Your soul shall fail where sickness stays,
For there the dead are near.

Hissing through the quiet trees,
In fire, and ice, and fate,
Decay is strong upon the breeze,
For there the dead learn hate

Silent voices that mutter still,
In fire, and ice, and song,
Unseen wraiths the groves all fill,
For there the dead are strong.

Written in blood on eldritch stone,
In fire, and ice, and storm,
Is the ancient doom of flesh and bone,
For there the dead have form

The dappled light with poison dwells,
In fire, and ice for lure,
While shadow with deep evil swells,
For there the dead endure.

In ancient times a city stood,
Where now is darkling marsh and wood.
Through golden streets the poets sang,
And lofty halls with wisdom rang,
Until one day for power and pride,
Black arts they learnt, and gods defied,
Until the time when righteous fire
Purged their sins and burnt their ire:
But poisonous hate can long abide,
And evil in deep earth reside.
Boy, hold these words above all things:
Fear the realm where the dead are kings!



As always, positive criticism will be well recieved!

[firefangled]

You are from Lothlorien, aren't you? This was enchanting. The repetition and variation in the second line of each stanza worked very well. The meter was perfect.

I loved the effect of the joined couplets in the last stanza.

Very enjoyable and well written!

In the third line from the bottom, should it be "...in deep earth resides?"

[PrinceMyshkin]

I too felt that the meter and rhyme were strong (but unobtrusive) throughout and that the departure from the quatrain pattern in the last long verse, that was an infusion of drama!

[Bar22do]

Lokasenna the Bard! I sang its music as I read your poem, while a bagpiper played the refrain in between stanzas... an experience, in short! It is a fine song, haunted and awesome, dark, but beautiful and full of life!
I too am impressed with the effective variations of the second lines of your couplets. Such a good job! Thank you very much!

[blank|verse]

I read that listening to Midlake's new album 'The Courage of Others', which is quite medieval-folk-rock (you'd probably like it - unless you're into metal or something that is...), anyway, it seemed most appropriate.

I think you've got a good grasp of metre and I liked the repetition of each stanza's second line (although perhaps that could have altered a bit more) and the language you used throughout is very apt for the subject (although not to my personal taste). I did notice that Thomas Hardy word 'darkling' crop up a couple of times though, maybe once in a poem for a word like that is all one can get away with. And I didn't like 'In darkest darkness' as an opening gambit.

My main comment is, because it's a 'narrative folk song' or ballad - where's the story? The first six stanzas just seem to describe places (the same place?) and don't move the poem along. Where's the adventure, the quest? That's what I was expecting and it comes too late in the poem.

I'm not sure about the last line either - it was a bit clunky reading it first time because you've established such a strong line of iambic tetrameter before that. Syllabically it works, and because 'Fear' is stressed, there's an argument to say that is effectively breaking the metre, but I just think as a concluding line, (and because it is being spoken to a 'boy' - presumably so he will remember the line and heed the advice it contains) it needs to be strong and on the beat, something like:

Fear the realm where Death is King!

So you lose the intial weak stress - an acephalic foot (meaning 'without a head', which seems rather adroit in the context) - but retain the strong stresses.

Gosh, all this archaic business - you'll have me writing sonnets like MorpheusSandman next...

[MorpheusSandman]

you'll have me writing sonnets like MorpheusSandman next...

I dare ya!

I loved this, Lokasenna! But everyone around here knows what a sucker for neo-classical forms and meter I am. There are only a few places where you break the meter and I wonder whether they were intentional or not:

Silent voices that mutter still, = /-/--/-/ so you have an extra unstressed beat. Sometimes you can get away with this but in such a distinct meter like ballad meter it becomes much more noticeable.

Is the ancient doom of flesh and bone, Here you open with an anapest which, again, isn't as noticeable in a less strong meter. It's not terrible here, anyways.

While shadow with deep evil swells, -/--//-/ This is probably the most egregious break with the double iamb. You can't get a way with stressing "with" and not stressing "deep". This is a lesson I learned the hard way in my own poetry.

[Lokasenna]

Thank you for the comments, people!

Yes, I don't have much of a sense for rhythm, alas. However, with the advice in hand, I shall go away and have a tinker with it!

[AuntShecky]

Yes, I've found it to be a good idea to post your work all in one thread. There's a notion that it deters other sites from usurping your work; if nothing else, you can go back and
find individual works more easily than searching the entire "Personal Poetry" forum. Whenever you make a new posting, it automatically gets pumped into "New Posts." The only downside (if in fact there is one) is that can't find the number of readers for an individual poem, but you still
can get the cumulative number of readers of your thread. The more "replies" you post, watch how fast the total number of readers grow.

[blank|verse]

Quote:
Originally Posted by blnk_vrz
you'll have me writing sonnets like MorpheusSandman next...

I dare ya!

Is that the sound of a metaphorical gauntlet being thrown at my feet? In that case, Sir, I pick it up and (metaphorically of course) slap you round the chops with it! Watch this space...

[Lokasenna]

Here's another little something... not quite sure what to make of it myself...

Sephiroth: Emanations of God
While I, one time, of this world despaired,
Like a child bored of its oldest toy,
Then my hungry mind sought, unprepared,
For a subtle taste of truer joy,
And dwelt on sensations so sublime,
That my pregnant pen was left quite still
While my soul traversed a sea of time
And infinite space that charged my will
With such blinding storms of silent light.
I knelt naked before the godhood,
Which to my eyes burnt wondrous bright;
It flared deep within my very blood,
And forced to action my lazy art
To translate the truth I did espy:
For in that moment we stood apart,
Then my God was as naked as I.


As always, positive criticism will be well recieved!

[Heathcliff]

So ^ basically states you did a bunch of awesome things and now you're godly.
Actually that is pretty cool. By trying your best you found awesomeness... I think.

And congratulations on beginning a thread dedicated entirely to yourself. I can't believe I didn't think of that.

[Lokasenna]

Well, I really enjoyed the recent poetry contest - it was great fun, and a great opportunity. I had had no pretentions to winning, so even tp get a few votes was very gratifying.

I'm putting the poem up here for the purposes of getting some feedback on it. This is my first real, serious experiment with free verse, something I found rather hard going. So please, any adivce/positive criticism you can give on it would be much appreciated!

Impressions of the Cathedral at Sunset

The silence impresses.
It possesses these ancient stones,
so much so that they resound with it.
The audible click of umbrella against floor
is the sole unquiet thing,
its potency flung upon the void
and lost.

The stones care,
I can feel concern through my shoe-soles,
a crystalline mind whose presence
mocks the absent man.

It is the sense of absence
the crimson rays illuminate,
the manifold paradox of seeing
what the light cannot reflect.

I see the lords
invisible,
and hear the hymns
inaudible.

Here is the tomb of the genius.
(“Wow, isn’t it pretty” say the tourists).
When he died, we put this heavy
ornate lid on top of him.
(“Golly, I’ll bet that weighs a ton!”).
In life, he dared to peer into the heart of eternity,
and we reward him by cutting off
his light.
His fingers are bone, his brains are dust,
but I think those eyes of his remain,
seeking to capture the mystery they
once beheld.
My genius, I’d press your rotting lips
against my ear to catch the scattered
crumbs of your last whisper,
but if I did, they would call me
monster.

The evening fails, and the corners fill
with pools of purple shadow,
contagious as a dream.
We are mortal
because we remember our mortality,
and in immortal stone construct
the monument to our destruction.
Oh, brave cathedral,
tomb for all the ages of humanity!

So if you pass along this
route of my existence,
and tread the darkened cloisters
of this little world,
following the path of heart and grave,
until on bended knee you kneel before
the slow, dissolving firmament,
then there, stripped of reason and meaning,
you will feel your humanity shudder within you,
and quail before the terrible noise
that lurks in the heart of silence.

[Hawkman]

Hi Lokasenna,

I think this is really quite evocative, though I think you could afford to edit it a little. There are instances where you are perhapse a little too wordy. eg "so much so" when

"It possesses these ancient stones,
and they resound with it."

might be both more economical and powerful.

"Here is the tomb of the genius.
(“Wow, isn’t it pretty” say the tourists).
When he died, we put this heavy
ornate lid on top of him.
(“Golly, I’ll bet that weighs a ton!”).
In life, he dared to peer into the heart of eternity,
and we reward him by cutting off
his light.
His fingers are bone, his brains are dust,
but I think those eyes of his remain,
seeking to capture the mystery they
once beheld.
My genius, I’d press your rotting lips
against my ear to catch the scattered
crumbs of your last whisper,
but if I did, they would call me
monster."

This strophe is wonderful, a complete poem in its own right, although I'm with B/V when he suggests that one word lines should be avoided.

But the fact that it feels so self contained as a poem makes me suggest that perhaps it is slightly out of place in the body of the main work, a digression away from the more general impression of the cathedral.

I hope you find the time to work on it a little and post your poems more often.

Regards, Hawk.

[Lokasenna]

Thanks Hawk! There's some really good advice there.

I love writing and posting poetry, but I have so little time for composing these days... oh well, I'll keep trying!

[qimissung]

I came very, very close to voting for that one. I enjoyed it, Lokasenna. I could just feel those ghosts lurking there!