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Thread: This is love at first sight

  1. #1

    This is love at first sight

    I am lying on my bed, staring up into the ceiling
    I am thinking about my future; I stroke my stomach, and yours
    I stomach rises to high for me to see my feet.
    You kick, reminding me why I cant, and I smile.
    And then pain, pain as you start to make your first journey

    I scream as someone wipes sweat off my brow
    I am gripping mom’s hand, they tell me to push
    Push, rest, push rest, this seems to have no end
    Finally the pressure is gone, the only beat in me is my own
    Nersues rush around the room, none of them looking at me

    I need to hold you, but no one is placing you in my arms
    A nurse looks at my mom, and my mom squeezes my hand
    “What’s wrong?” but my words have no volume

    Everything is quiet. No one is speaking, I struggle to sit up
    I need to see you.
    I look up into my mothers eyes for comfort, but there is none


    Time stands still




    And then you cry

    I cry


    Your telling world you’re not giving up, you’re here to stay
    All at once you’re here in my arms
    I wipe away my tears that have landed on your face
    There's a peach cap covering your head
    Your eyes are closed softy, and your breathing is light, but unwavering
    This is love at first sight.

  2. #2
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Your poem, I believe, has a good potential though it needs more work, a better tension and rhythm (but again, it is only my opinion). I can see and appreciate what you tried to convey and did, and - what a relief to hear that final cry. Thanks for sharing.

  3. #3
    I too like rhyme in poems but just writing what i need to say in free verse is the only way for me to get it out, and still be natural. But thank you for the comment just the same!

  4. #4
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    "Love at first sight," indeed! And I was held in unbearable suspense as it seemed to be going wrong!

  5. #5
    As was i

  6. #6
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    Sorry wrong post

  7. #7
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    K.M.! I spoke of rhythm not of rhyme!

  8. #8
    Not politically correct Pendragon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by K.M Roberston View Post
    Time stands still




    And then you cry

    I cry

    Wonderful turning point...
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...

  9. #9
    Something's Gone hoope's Avatar
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    lovely poem .. i enjoyed reading it ..
    keep it up !
    "He is asleep. Though his mettle was sorely tried,
    He lived, and when he lost his angel, died.
    It happened calmly, on its own,
    The way the night comes when day is done."



  10. #10
    The poem doesn't flow very effectivley, and the form needs to be constructed more carefully. I did enjoy the content somewhat though just work on it a bit more.

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