Humanty Lost

[nates1984]

http://nates1984.blogspot.com/2009/1...nity-lost.html

It's about 7000 words. Criticism is welcomed. Do not be nice, be ruthless. Pleasantries will not improve me.

Comment here or directly on the blog, either is fine. =)

I think it's easier to read on the blog rather than on a forum. I don't know why I think such a thing, maybe I'm just weird. Or maybe it's just the fact the average forum reader basically skims things and then starts typing, while a blog suffers from the same disease but to a much lesser extent.

[escapologist]

First, as a native speaker, you have no excuse . Please, for the love of everything:

it's = it is / it has
its = the possessive form (cat's body = its body)

The description of the man at the beginning is too common, I think (skin stretched over bones, eyes almost falling out; I know it can be hard to find new words for something that has been described hundreds of times, but that shouldn't stop us ). And sometimes you use complicated (highbrow?) words for no apparent effect when you could use others that wouldn't look out of place- 'consume' instead of, I don't know, 'eat', or 'feline' instead of 'cat'. Also, I'm not a big fan of full references (Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus). Somehow it is distracting. If your readers don't know what you're talking about when you say just Botticelli's Venus, they can google it for all you care.

I liked the sharp contrast between the grey and the green parts of the story. It creates a believable post-apocalyptic atmosphere and at times looks like a good graphic novel. However, you lost me at the end. I did get the overall point of the story, and it's a good one (not to mention fashionable these days) but I had to read the last paragraph twice to figure out who killed who and why. I know it's difficult to avoid confusion when characters are nameless but some sort of an interlude between introducing the killer would maybe do the trick.

[nates1984]

it's = it is / it has
its = the possessive form (cat's body = its body)

I always do that. It's like trying not to scratch an inch.

I was worried about keeping them nameless, and you confirmed those fears. Maybe if I only keep the main male nameless, but call the lovers Venus and something else. That would probably help. Perhaps I could find a suitable figure in Roman mythology related to Venus in some way.

Thanks a bunch for your feedback. I posted this on two non-literature forums and people criticized it on the grounds that I started a sentence with "and" and there was no plot. This was much better, you offered specifics and understood you can tell a story through characterization. =)

Sometimes I can justify the "highbrow" words by saying this one specific word is more suitable to convey the intended meaning, or I don't want to repeat the same word over and over, but mostly it's a superficial preference. I just like it and don't know why. =P Does it come off as pretentious? I can get away with it on some level, but I don't want to come off as a snobby jerk or anything.

[escapologist]

Yeah, I think mythological names would work, but it would be best if you used obscure ones cos all the big ones have been used a lot. Also some that belong to characters that have similar stories to the ones in your story. But that requires a bit of research, and my knowledge of mythology is pretty rusty these days.

You posted it on non-literature forums? You're either very brave or a fool . What did you expect, who knows what those people read... I actually think a solid plot would ruin the whole thing. This is not a novel!

When I read the story I did come across phrases that sounded a bit pretentious but the fact that I can't put my finger on them now probably means they don't stand out, so it's ok. Maybe you should save your 'highbrow' style for when you really want to convey something with it, to accentuate a point you're trying to make. Or just write all your stories in it and say it's your personal style and have done with it.

[nates1984]

You posted it on non-literature forums? You're either very brave or a fool

It was pretty foolish in hindsight.