Danielle

[VadimP]

On the first day I came downstairs and met her standing just outside of the doors, smoking. I asked her where the conference talks were held, and she answered unfriendly, as if to cut the conversation short. “Does she think that I want to make a pass on her? With that plain face of hers? And a smoker too?” – passed a thought through my mind.

On the second day we arrived at the same time to the lunch room. She took her tray with food and went to the table where some of the women, whom she met the day before, sat. And I took my tray and went to the table where some of the men, whom I met the day before, ate. I registered that, but it seemed completely natural that we did not try to sit at the same table.

On the morning of the third day she walked into the conference room and sat down on the chair next to mine. She said:
- You are always working, you are always writing!
- Where are you from? - I asked.
- Marseille.
I opened the conference book and began skimming through the affiliations.
- My last name is Roux. Danielle Roux. – She said.
I closed the book and quietly laughed at myself. And soon I noticed that she was left-handed: she was writing in her notebook holding it strangely upside down. And though her face was plain, she was slim, and had long legs. She had style. She was French.

On the day four we stood in line, waiting for lunch, and talked. Then I took my tray and went to sit with my friends, and when I sat down I realized that there was no place for her at the table, and I knew that we had just had our first fight. Our eyes did not meet for the rest of the day.
…

On Sunday we were going on a conference trip. I went to the parking lot to wait there for the bus, and there she was: alone and smoking. “What will I do now? What will I do now?” – was ringing in my mind. She turned to me and smiled.
- How are you? – She said.
…

There followed the days of lunching together, touching hands, and smiling at each other across the room full of people. On the last day, when the conference was over and most of the participants already left, we took our last walk in the park. We returned to the building and sat on a couch. We kissed: first gently and then passionately.
- What shall we do now? – She asked.
- We will go up to my room.

[glover7]

In a story such as this one, I feel that one of the most important things to achieve is making me feel that I'm looking into a compact mirror, watching the special vignettes of a couple of strangers. Your story didn't inspire that in me.

Instead, I feel that you've given a rough outline of the action in a story. You have a great deal of potential here for making this story unique, but I feel like you've thrown it away and relied on the exoticism of the woman's "Frenchness." You have an outline for a story. Now flesh it out.

[VadimP]

Thank you. I feel myself that the story lacks something. However, I am not sure that I agree with your advice: I would hate to add many details, because they, in my opinion, so often obscure the meaning and make for a boring reading.

[loki456]

Hi Vadim,
very nice concept, however I do agree with glover on this one. I feel that I should be taken from experience to experience, from chance encounter to lust/love. But I don't, I feel like i'm looking at a synopsis to a romance novel. I understand where you are coming from as well, you don't want too give to much detail, or want to spell it out for the reader, but i think there needs to be a bit more information just for coninuity's sake.

something is missing, hopefully you can find what it is because I am intrigued by the concept of the story.

hope that I've given you some constructive insight.

[Dirtbag]

I get absorbed into the circumstance but not into the setting. My senses are starved. Despite this, I liked the story quite a bit. It's simple and memorable. Tres chic.

[Steven Hunley]

Well, what I'm hearing from the first four comments, and what I agree with, is that something is lacking. Certainly you are exploring why he finally has an affair with a woman who doesn't turn him on at first. Many men have experienced this effect, and I'm sure the reason for their attitude change was different in each case. You must tell us what it was in this case. Not, hopefully just her Frenchness or Frenchosity. (that would be a bit of a cheat)
Think hard about it, make the words count, and you'll not have to add much.
Don't give up on it. You've got alot of responses for this thing, that shows it is interesting. Good luck.

[VadimP]

Thank you for all your responses! Although the suggestion, that the motives of the main character need to be explained deeper, seems to me more interesting, I have to accept that the story needs more details.

[nates1984]

Simple things make all the difference:

"passed a thought through my mind."

Should be: "passed through my mind."

"On the morning of the third day she walked into the conference room and sat down on the chair next to mine."

On should be in.

It seems trivial, but when you sprinkle little errors like this throughout the whole story it frustrates the reader to a point where they begin to miss the intentions of your writing. Thus, they are lost, and your story is lost to them.

[escapologist]

Simple things make all the difference:

"passed a thought through my mind."

Should be: "passed through my mind."

"On the morning of the third day she walked into the conference room and sat down on the chair next to mine."

On should be in.

It seems trivial, but when you sprinkle little errors like this throughout the whole story it frustrates the reader to a point where they begin to miss the intentions of your writing. Thus, they are lost, and your story is lost to them.

Although no one can argue with this, I have to admit that it's really hard for a non-native speaker to see their own errors. If they were to have their writing published, there would of course be people who'd take care of the writer's grammar, and readers wouldn't be distracted by errors.

[nates1984]

Although no one can argue with this, I have to admit that it's really hard for a non-native speaker to see their own errors.

It's too bad many native speakers make errors worse than this, so it's hard to tell if it's something that should be criticized or not. Regardless, pointing out the grammar mistakes would help the non-native speaker gain a mastery of the language, and if they're writing in the non-native language this is very important. Win-win.

[VadimP]

Indeed, I am a non-native speaker. And during the several years, that have passed since I left the US, my English hasn't improved. Yet, I write only in English - I think that the content of my stories is directed at English-speaking audience.

By the way, can anyone recommend a place/web site where I can publish my stories? I mean a place where they can be proofread and copyrighted?

[Leannain]

Are you interested in writing literature or you're interested in catering to the fanbase of Danielle Steele? If you are, don't forget to add a 6'2' muscled, blond haired male with a taste for 40 year old divorced women, with houses in Laguna beach and money to rival Bill Gates 'cause mate, sorry but when I read your short story, that's who I thought you were trying to emulate.

[VadimP]

sorry but when I read your short story, that's who I thought you were trying to emulate.

I guess it says more about you, Leannain, than about my story, because you are the one who thought about it.

[Leannain]

I guess it says more about you, Leannain, than about my story, because you are the one who thought about it.

Maybe they didn't want to hurt your feelings? If you want to become good, you have to worry about your work and that includes accepting critics and developing yourself from there.

[VadimP]

Maybe they didn't want to hurt your feelings? If you want to become good, you have to worry about your work and that includes accepting critics and developing yourself from there.

You are absolutely right: they wanted not to hurt my feelings, but to offer some useful criticism. This is what they did.