Annoying little pest

[inbetween]

Annoying little pest

Lili, this annoying little pest of a sister, had left her a note. ”Come and see my new toy” it said. Her new toy. Kat didn’t need to see Lili’s new toy ‘cuz Lili’s new toy was Kat’s old toy. Chris. Kat, or rather Katrina, had jumped into the bus and stared out of the window as she thought about him.
Chris. He was definitely not the love of her life and he was definitely nothing but a toy to her, and though, Lili ought to have waited until Kat would have dropped him. She could have asked at least. Lending or giving things to Lili had never been big trouble if Lili only asked. But she almost never asked and almost never returned the things she took. That was what vexed Kat the most.
She quit the bus and stepped on the street. She walked to the house where her sister had her flat and as she entered it she noticed that something was different. She did not know what it was she just felt uncomfortable. She waved that feeling aside and drowned in her fury.
What would she do when she opened the door? Scream, make a big fuss? Yeah. Take Lili’s little ****face and smash it ‘gainst a wall.
She knocked at the door. No reply.
Tear her sweet face apart and spread her blood all over the floor, metaphorically of course.
She pushed the door open.
But as she walked in she saw that someone had been quicker than her and had carried out her wish, literally.
The uncomfortable feeling that she could define now as the heavy sick sweet smell of blood seemed to drown her. She stumbled forward into the living room. There she was, this annoying little pest of a sister, Lili, lying on the floor, her white shirt drenched in blood. Blood all over the floor. And Chris, their toy, holding her dead body, sobbing, looking up as he noticed her. ”She needs help Kat. Please help her. Get her to the hospital. Kat help.” He raised to his feet. Blood all over his shirt, his hands, even his face. He had kissed her. The poor fool really loved Lili. He came across the room and she stumbled backwards. The room got darker and darker. “Kat, Katrina, help her. If you don’t help her she’ll die!” She is already dead, fool. The smell drowned her. She would soon either pass out or puke. Her back touched the wall. He came closer and closer. All she saw was the blood on his shirt. Lili’s blood. She couldn’t breath. Her blood roared in her ears. It went darker and darker around her. She couldn’t breath. And as she slid down the wall everything went black.



This text is meant to be a short story or perhaps the beginning of some crime novel or something.



just comment on it or write everything that comes into your mind... I simply need to see how people react to my writings (and please be so kind to excuse writingmistakes if there are any ...)

[loki456]

Ok firstly I must say, I don't know why, but I just had to read this. so kudos to you on that.

secondly, the story. I'm intrigued, the short sentences, the broken thought patterns of the characters and the literal vs figurative kunundrum was well used. I would be interested to see where you would take this, it's a nice look at a first murder for a crime novel, or even what I like to call 'psycho' novels (a cross between thriller and crime - my definition haha).

As you will come to see, I love detail, I love being told exactly how the body looked, how the only picture in the room was broken and the glass spread out over her limp body. I love knowing that the boyfriend was a mess, his tear soaked cheeks showed the silhoettes of smudged blood from where the tears had descended. How his blonde, 'pretty-boy' styled hair was now a crusted tribute to the tumultous struggle lili must have endured. Not sure if you're into that. but in literary style, I don't think it's a big deal as long as you get your story across.

hope this has helped, given you some ideas or made you laugh at my ignorance

[Steven Hunley]

You were kind enough to respond to my work, so I'm going to do the same. The sentence fragments were effective. They worked. That's how people think and talk at times. So you're a bit clever. But also, you're a bit heavy handed. In the end you provide no reasonable motivation for the murder, and the reader doesn't really care much, since they don't know much about the victim. To make a murder horrifying you have to do that, convince us of their innocence. Not simply repeat the word "BLOOD" seven times. That doesn't quite do it. If you want to create horror you got to move beyond images, (like the blood) and work on the reader's mind. (study Poe) So yeah, I've commented and done my job. But here's a mystery to you mystery fan, did I do it because I'm a right guy and really care about your writing? Or is it because you got the best picture of the lot and I'm a sucker for little English girls with straight noses who's hair covers their eyes, lending a sense of mystery to them which is probably completely unwarranted? Which is it? Either way you're gonna keep posting. And that's what "vexes" you the most.

[inbetween]

first of all ... thx for reply
and then.. I like blood.. (study Tim Burton).. furthermore I dind't want to make you care about the victim.. if I'm ever to continue this story it'll be about kat.. (besides I love Poe... exspectually his poems but I don't want to write like him .. I prefer to read his works and somehow think with his head)
but I'm glad someone replied (no matter what obscure reason for)... I'm greatful for every response I can get and every reaction can be useful
and I hope I'll get more useful comments...

ps.: I'm neither english nor american

[Steven Hunley]

I guessed incorrectly. So glad you like Poe. I liked his short stories exspectually too! I guessed English because your command of the language was pretty good. Like it was your mother tongue. My mistake. I just would have got off if the descriptions of blood were a bit more graphic, a bit more textural. Isn't Tim a visual artist? (film?) What we got here is a medium of words. The picture must be painted with them. We got no color, not even black and white here. The word blood really doesn't describe it(blood), any more than describing you as a simple "girl' would work. When "strawberry blond, with eyes that drew you right in, and shoulders the color and warmth of fresh cream" would work so much better. See? You may be believing your own catch phrase, "defying description" As a writer, you can let nothing defy description, no matter how you struggle. Apply it to yourself if you must(and you may be right here) but not to blood. If I hadn't liked your work or saw it had potential, I wouldn't have responded at all. Oh yeah, using the word blood names the substance, not describes it. Why name it seven times?

[chaplin]

I like blood.. (study Tim Burton)

Blood is fine, Inbetween, but just repeating the word "blood", hoping its cinematic associations will do the work, is not a very effective way of creating horror or fright or whatever one is attempting to evoke. Blood is just a body fluid and is not in itself terrifying.

[jdp3233]

Personally, I enjoyed it. The thought process of the characters was very intriguing. This would do well for a quick story or even, like you stated, the start of a longer book. Good job.

[inbetween]

for the story's sake .. forget my picture...
imagen I was an ugly fat thing whichs picture haunts you in your dreams, causing you to start up in the middle of the night all soaken with cold sweat and sized by a kind of horror that turns your stomach into a knod.

well ... to get back to my love for blood..
I just wrote .. I dind't even realize how often I repeated the word. the picture is that she repeats this word in her head so often because she just can't understand it .. blood, the real fluid, the colour, the smell(important!!)
it fills her head, dominates her thoughts, drowns her..
you brought up poe so it's somehow like the end of "the tell-tale heart"
"I felt that I must scream or die! - and now - again! - hark! louder! louder! louder!" - whenever I read this it really gets louder in my head.. now that I think about it, it was somewhat the same that happend with my "blood" as I wrote this I felt how it drowned her.. (just by the way... when you refer to what I say, do it correctly. I said I love exspectually his poems... I love his stories as well but he wrote them to make money .. his poems are written with his heartblood)


but don't take me wrong, I apprechiate all comments I just stated my point here.
and furthermore, congratulations to you all!! you made me think about this story and in my head it is constantly humming and buzzing what to make of this it.. what to put in fromt of this part.. what to fit in and where to end up..perhaps you'll read some of the results someday..
'till then I hope I get more useful comments

Steven Hunley
you may be able to describe my looks but I'm more than my outside

[loki456]

ok, Steven was right, blood is superfluous, that is, the use of such a term doesn't exaggerate a feeling. Just using 'blood' doesn't mean much to me, being a doctor, i'm not phased by the term blood, even when used in a horrofic manner, I just think it goes with the territory. would be weird if there was no blood at all i guess. what is more intriguing and is as Steven said again is the description of the blood, but more than that, the description of the circumstances, or even the entirity of the scene.

I want to feel what Kat is feeling, if she's feeling 'drowned' by the blood, make me feel that, take Poes lead from that alone.

[Steven Hunley]

You guys are so good it's sick. I read the Big Dogs and am read by the Big Dogs. Naming something never beats describing it with adjectives that have tell-tale (sorry Poe, no pun intended) connotations, that's for sure. Loki456 has some good advice. One good image of feeling drowned by blood would do it, since fear of drowning is universal. You know I think the principal here is similar to what Andy Warhol found out with his painting of multiple images of violent car accidents. the more you see the less they phase you. The repetition of certain images or words often weakens them instead of strengthening them. Still, you got to imagine one simple image can often tell it all, (like in her mug shot) Keep writing Y'all.

[loki456]

^^ i'm sure you didn't mean that pun steven hahaha...
to be honest when you were describing her looks I was waiting for the lines:

'For her, the fair and debonair, that now so lowly lies,
The life upon her yellow hair but not within her eyes
The life still there, upon her hair- the death upon her eyes'

funny story about the poem 'lenore'. In highschool my girl friend was quite the brainless 'twit' (for want of a better term), so in my frustration one day re-wrote this poem out to show my utter contempt at how her beauty will fade and she'll be left with nothing (even though that's not exactly what the poem is about - i think the words and imagery portray those thoughts quite well). the fool thought it was an apology for a fight we had the night before, and said she forgave me and that the poem was beautiful. a lesson learnt is better than a lesson taught. don't ever try to get a point across elegantly to the stupid, it will simply back fire.

by the way, that story was not aimed at anyone in particular just felt like sharing it, since we were sharing our thoughts on poe.

[inbetween]

since I'm interested in how human minds work and I think I'm gonna enlarge this story someday (perhaps when I retire, for then I will have the time)
tell me what you would think when you were to face a situation that you just can't understand?
how would you react? what would you do and what would you think?
I never experienced a real situation like that and therefor could only speculate and try to imagin such a situation (as I did in this story) I don't know what I would do if I really had to face something like this
so tell me .. and if you too never experienced something like this (of that kind) then imagen just like I had to...
I'm inpatient to learn something about your minds..

ps.: be patient about writing mistakes.. have mercy upon me for it's been quite a hard day and my concentration is a little low.(and I don't wanna load down this spelling-check thing right now)

[inbetween]

all right. forget about my last answer... this is a little out of control..
I wanted it to be a study on your reactions concerning my story, instead it has become a personal quarrel... I wanted to read and not to write. I just got furious when I felt treated like a little girl and not like a serious writer... whatsoever...
it was the very first time I ever published something of my works and you thought me quite a good lesson.
thank you all
I will now shut up and hope for more comments, critics, thoughts....