Mmm, if I ever need to file a schedule C then I know who to turn to

. Once upon a time I did need to file a schedule C but my contractor went out of business, nine years ago, and I loved them.
When I had traditional employment, I almost could not write, and between 01 and 04 I suppose I was in a significant depression because I could not cope with a serious rupture between myself and a former supervisor, but I still earned. 05 through 08 I am not sure how I survived, but achieved one significant byline.
Now I am emotionally and physically worn out, and need money and know what my odds are, since I don't know any contractors that I am aware of who'd I feel an affinity with to approach for a contract, and I do not have enough really good bylines to aim for anything salaried. Still, for me I am pushing as best I can, although I fear The New Republic. They have the sole honor of being the one magazine where I applied for a job, and to my shock they treated me with respect, at the time, but because I am afraid of them I did not aim for the column I thought was my best shot, though I am angling for a blog slot. I just cannot work as fast as I want to anymore, but I am trying for one pitch a week, and slowly returning to the literary circuit.
But I can no longer dream. I know too much, how damn hard it is, and how little technical skill or access to sources I have. The one major mistake I made when I really got my break was not keeping a source list. Writers who are actually published don't live on the ether of their reputation, and most fans make that mistake about us, which is why I keep my distance when mine have sought attention.
I must still need therapy if I am laying all this out in this forum. I'll end with wondering if I should care.