College Essay. Good? Advice?

[gokkun]

(536 wds.)

After five days of traveling around the truly breathtaking country of Spain, I was on a bus ride to a host family, which would house me for the remaining six days of my excursion. Up until that moment, I had been in the comfort and security of my 8 English-speaking friends and my teacher’s family, so I could get a respite from the Spanish language whenever I needed one. That day, we had a five-hour bus ride from the college town of Salemanca, to Vigo, a coastal city similar to Boston. I spent the bus ride reading my summer reading book 1984 (what a stellar book), and anticipating what my family would be like.

Eventually, we got off of the highway and began navigating the city which would be my home for the next 6 days. Finally we stopped and walked off the bus. We were directed towards our family, and quickly whisked off into a new culture. The 15 minute ride to my other family’s house was the hardest and most stressful part of the excursion. I was completely immersed in a new life, a new language. I quickly found out that the only people who could speak an inkling of English were my 12-year-old sister Maria, and my brother, Carlos, who was 16, and their English was limited at best, so I relied on my five years of Spanish, and surprisingly survived the ride home. I met my Spanish mother at their house, who greeted me with the traditional dos besos (two kisses). I also got a new name from her, “Cordno”, which is how she said Cory.

Then we ate dinner, which started at 10 PM. And oh how we ate! They made fun of me for eating “less than my six-year-old brother Manuel”. I had 3 to 4 full courses of Spanish food, which is delicious, but I’m sure that if I had eaten one more thing I would have exploded. At the dinner table they were surprised how well I could understand them, and so was I. We talked and exchanged information about our cultures, and I learned so much about their language and lives. There were definitely a few moments in which I had to pretend I knew what they were saying, and reply with a “…siiii…” which drew fun laughter. After dinner, which took about an hour and a half (meals are very social events in Spain), I went up to my own room and literally crashed on my bed.

Being immersed in a completely different lifestyle, especially when accompanied by a completely new language, is mentally draining. But every waking moment spent with my family my language skills grew exponentially. Gradually, communicating became easier and easier, and by the third day I could communicate well with my family. Every trip to the beach, my brother’s graduation, and anywhere I went with them was a memorable learning experience, each etched in my mind. I hope to move to there, to their amiable people, antique cities, and overall peaceful lifestyle when I am older. Next summer I am planning on traveling to Peru with my school to volunteer at a school, orphanage, and a hospital while expanding my language skills.




I would greatly appreciate advice for this, or tell me whats good/bad about it. Thank you!

[LMK]

Not knowing the assignment's guidelines or what class the essay is for, please take the following with a grain of salt or two. Also please know that these remarks are intended to spark thought they are not to tell you that what you've written is wrong, because it is not.

Regarding Style:

The journal/diary style that is employed in the essay works, but seems rushed. This might be necessary if there is a word limit.

However, if there is no limit on words, here is something to think about; is it a journal you are obligated to keep only to satisfy a class requirement? Or is it a diary for yourself so that you can look back and remember what you saw, how you felt, and your first impressions?

Regarding Content:

Did you need a respite from Spanish or to return to the comfort of your first language? Just a matter of spinning positive or not-so-positive.

The use of the word inkling; did they have a limited understanding of English or did they only speak a smattering of the language?

Referring to your brother and sister, one guesses that they are your host relatives, but you do not say this explicitly. Perhaps a bit more description when you are '...directed towards our host family...' might be helpful.

Example: "I was introduced to the people who would be my family for the next six days; a 16 year-old brother, Carlos, who seemed ready to burst with excitement; a younger sister, Maria, who was 12 and looked at me with timid interest; and my father..."

Being whisked away sounds like it was an uncomfortable experience, was it? Or, was it just to describe how it occurred?

Example: "It happened so fast I felt like I was being whisked away into this new culture that until now I had viewed from a careful distance."

When you mention learning much, perhaps you could cite an example or two.

Why do you want to move there? You describe the look of the village and it does sound lovely, but why does that suit you?

Is the Spanish spoken in Peru the same as in Spain? Either way, it might be interesting to point out.

* * * * *


Hope this helps some, in a constructive way.

~L

[gokkun]

LMK thank you so much for dissecting this and giving me advice. It is for my college essay, for the common application. The guideline is around 500 words, but I dont want to go over that a lot (I think 600 or a little above is fine). So yes, I could have, and wanted to elaborate, but I was afraid of going over the limit. I like your idea of changing respite to make it sound more on the positive, and will use your advice on the introduction of the family. And I did mean whisked away to sound uncomfortable, but I will elaborate on it to make it more clear.

I really think 500 words is limiting, but I understand that the colleges have to read a lot.

[LMK]

You are most welcome, gokkun, with a word limit it is difficult to elaborate much, but your points are made.

When there is a limit, stick to it, because not following form is one of the quickest ways to get your work dismissed.

One other note, if you are interested. In the third paragraph, rather than the two stilted opening sentences (one beginning with the word "Then"), you could combine into something that is more descriptive. if 'due to my late arrival' is not accurate (in the sample below) then perhaps something like, 'which is typical of the region' or something that does make the reader understand the reason for pointing out the time you ate dinner.

Example: We ate dinner at 10 PM due to my late arrival, but oh how we ate!

I'll zip my lips now, I promise.

Good luck!

~L