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Thread: Remember

  1. #1
    Registered User Gladdy11's Avatar
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    Remember

    This is a short story I wrote for school. Please post criticism and comments. Thanks!

    Remember

    The long arms of the rusted clock ticked heavily on the rust-coloured wall. Awards and degrees were glued with pretention around the room, all clad in rusted frames. He sat directly across from me, notebook in hand, looking at me with dissecting eyes.

    “Let us begin.”
    The leather was cold. The air was chilled. I shivered.

    “How are you today, Miss Grey?”
    I was numbed with agony. I was shaking with fear. I felt cold.

    “I feel fine.”
    “Can you tell me what happened that night?”

    I gasped for air. As my breathing became shallow, his became deep. With his bestial face next to mine, I could taste the alcohol in his sweat as it slowly dripped into my mouth. I could taste his hunger. I could taste his lust. I squirmed under his tight grasp, trying to escape. But with every attempt, his claws sunk deeper. Sharp nails dug through my skin. They dug through my innocence. I felt cold.

    “No. I can’t remember a thing.”
    “Can you tell me what he looked like?”

    His icy eyes burned my pupils. They were blue, like mine. His gaunt face was twitching and quivering like the face of a rabid animal. It was almost as if he was trying to suppress his diseased hunger. His hair blended seamlessly into the darkness, as if it were one with the black abyss. Yet, despite the shadows, I could still see those frozen eyes glistening in the moonlight. Those cold, cold eyes. The eyes of a man who once knew love, but who now preaches indifference. His bushy mustache was drenched in perspiration. The wrinkled craters of his face were injected with sweat. As his aged body rocked back and forth, I could sense his fear. I could sense his hunger. I could sense his lust. I felt cold.

    “No. I can’t remember. I never saw.”
    “Did he say anything to you?”

    My sweet angel. His lips murmured the same phrase again and again as he tore away at my purity. My sweet angel. My sweet, sweet angel. I felt cold.

    “No. I don’t remember. I can’t remember.”
    I noticed a man standing at the door. The man looked at me with frozen eyes.

    “Hello, Mr. Grey.”
    “Hello, Doctor.” He turned to me. “Are you ready to go, my sweet angel?”

    I felt cold.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Last edited by Gladdy11; 03-23-2009 at 12:06 AM.

  2. #2
    answers rhetorical ?'s
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    Wonderfully written!

  3. #3
    madman kevinthediltz's Avatar
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    Chilling. And very sad. But a beautiful story.
    Everyone knows what's in room 101.


    Everything becomes irrelevant, when the sky tears open.

    "Hey Kevin." "What?" "Theres a ditch there." "Sh*t!"

  4. #4
    Registered User Gladdy11's Avatar
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    Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed. I'm submitting it for a course shortly. Any critiques?

  5. #5
    madman kevinthediltz's Avatar
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    I was confused by the man at the end. Is he the abuser the victim speaks of? And if so, what is his relationship to the victim?
    That part confused me a little bit.
    Everyone knows what's in room 101.


    Everything becomes irrelevant, when the sky tears open.

    "Hey Kevin." "What?" "Theres a ditch there." "Sh*t!"

  6. #6
    Registered User Gladdy11's Avatar
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    Well the victim's name is "Ms. Grey", and at the end, the man who enters is "Mr. Grey".

    So they are father and daughter (at least that is what i was attempting to convey). Does that make more sense now?

  7. #7
    madman kevinthediltz's Avatar
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    Yes it does. Maybe you could change the Ms. to Miss.
    Ms. can be confusing.
    And can you please tell me that this story isnt based on your own experiance?
    Everyone knows what's in room 101.


    Everything becomes irrelevant, when the sky tears open.

    "Hey Kevin." "What?" "Theres a ditch there." "Sh*t!"

  8. #8
    Registered User Gladdy11's Avatar
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    Haha it is purely fictional!
    But thank you for that comment and i will change it.

  9. #9
    madman kevinthediltz's Avatar
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    No problem. Were here to help.
    Everyone knows what's in room 101.


    Everything becomes irrelevant, when the sky tears open.

    "Hey Kevin." "What?" "Theres a ditch there." "Sh*t!"

  10. #10
    Sipping the Tea a_little_wisp's Avatar
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    This. Gave me. The chills.

    EXCELLENT, GLADDY. Short, but by god, it really hits you hard in the gut! You know what got me? When you wrote: "They were blue, like mine."

    DANG. You're good, you're good. Well-written! Bravo!

    Edit: I hope you made an A!
    Then she would run until morning to ease the ache; swifter than rain, swift as loss, racing to catch up with the time when she had known nothing at all but the sweetness of being herself.

    -- Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn

  11. #11
    Registered User Gladdy11's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by a_little_wisp View Post
    This. Gave me. The chills.

    EXCELLENT, GLADDY. Short, but by god, it really hits you hard in the gut! You know what got me? When you wrote: "They were blue, like mine."

    DANG. You're good, you're good. Well-written! Bravo!

    Edit: I hope you made an A!
    Thank you very much! I'm actually handing it in tomorrow, and I posted it on the site to hopefully get some constructive criticism (whether it be style or content)...
    I appreciate those kind words! (And I'm glad you caught that hint!)
    Always Glad...

  12. #12
    *low whistle* Amazing...........

  13. #13
    i live 2 write
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    Hi Gladdy11, nice story..
    i hope that you can also read my story
    entitled

    a journey to love...

  14. #14
    Registered User Gladdy11's Avatar
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    thanks. any other comments?
    Always Glad...

  15. #15
    Registered User prendrelemick's Avatar
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    I've not much to add, just another "well done". I think you revealed just enough at the end. It was really chilling.

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