Sorry, I just got here so I'm just now reading this story. I really enjoyed it. I think there are a lot of good things, and I think other posters have done a good job of listing the general strengths and weakness. I had a couple of specific sentences and places that I felt could have been handled better, rather than a generalization about how a certain aspect wasn't good.
J.H.S.
Why thank you shortstory. I really appreciate you reading and commenting. Please copy and paste the sentences you think I coud have done better. i'm not just after praise. I want constructive criticism.Originally Posted by shortstoryfan
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
I will try to express my thoughts on intellectual things, which can only be experienced internally and personally the best way I can.
First, let me say that this story has a very good strong point, which I have found among many short stories I have read recently. It is a kind of phenomena in which certain sentences seem to take on, for me, at least, some kind of special significance. I don't know if this is foreshadowing, but I have heard sentences at the end of pieces take on this magical quality, so I think it is perhaps not. All I know is that when I personally read these sentences I can hear the character placing some significance on that particular sentence, or I can hear how that sentence has a long back story which creates a lot of depth. Maybe they are just beautiful sentences that strike me, I'm not sure, but here are a few examples.
1)“Here mama,” she said in an accent. “You be happy here.”
2)“No, no. I want the sun. I want to be right here.”
3)“Well, don’t complain. The dead don’t disturb the living.”
There are a few others that have this quality slightly, but these are the ones that are most obvious. If this doesn't make sense to you, I'm sorry, I could try to explain it more extensively through private messaging.
A few of the sentences are not bad really, but I would have edited them to make them look more...edited? Hahaha. That's the best way I can put it.
You use the spelling "ok" in this story, and while I'm not sure there is a determined spelling of this, I feel that I more commonly see, "okay" and maybe if an editor did get a hold of this piece, they would make that change. Sometimes things aren't right or wrong, but you know, just conventions within the industry at a certain time.
I also think when you use "Brrr," in the story, it kind of seem unrealistic. I think in a more comic story it could work fine, but for this story, it seems to me, a bit out of place. I'm not sure how real this sound is in the first place, but here particularly, because of the excellent writing of the rest, it seems odd in place. I also think by leaving it out, "I'm cold" takes on some sort of new power, a stronger sense of character and feeling.
Another issue I have is when you say someone "mouthed" a certain phrase. For me, this implies the image of someone speaking, without any actual sounds coming. I think Sylvia mouthing, "I'm cold" is kind of a cool image, but I don't think that's what you intended, and I don't think you intended it when you used it the second time either. This isn't wrong, but I wonder if other readers get this image as well when they read, "mouthed".
I also think that changing some of this sentences' punctuation, you could make it clearer that Sylvia sees her roommates name on the wall, and maybe make a new, stronger feeling that Sylvia is thinking this phrase.
"What was her name? Oh yes, “Giselle,” there on the wall."
This is obviously Sylvia thinking to herself in her mind, but perhaps changing some of the punctuation it can become stronger, and maybe changing the sentence around a bit will make it more clear. I understood it, but I think more directness will create a different sense...more exciting sense.
"Perhaps she had never touched a black woman’s hair before. At least she could not remember doing so." I think the use of "perhaps" in this sentence doesn't read like it should come from Sylvia's thoughts, but the narrator. I think expressing this section in a different way will make it either a narration, or a stronger thought of Sylvia's. I know she is confused, but the words you use to show her musing kind of make it confusing as to whether the narrator is speaking or Sylvia is thinking...you may like this effect, but personally, I think it could read more simply and clearly.
You do a great job creating Sylvia's inner dialogue: I really believe she is an old woman, who has lived a lifetime, and is living now as a person confused about things and living in remembrances of this life. I got a great sense of the mother-son relationship, and the concerns the son has about the mother being in the nursing home. I even got a sense of the nursing aids and their lives and backstories. I think the way these characters interact and show their motivations is very strong.
I feel like a lot of the sentences have a lot of back story and depth, so I commend you for that--I can see this story going in several different ways, or you creating other stories with these characters. I even want you to, so that is really good.
I think I can see also how some of the things characters say seem to convey that Sylvia is in heaven already...I doubt you were intending this, but if I was in a literature class, or a critic, I might try to make this argument, and your piece would take on even more depth. The nurse's aid tells Sylvia, “You be happy here," which seems significant, as does Sylvia's final dialogue in this first section. I'm not saying this is what you intended, but it is nice that you have this way the story could be interpreted.
I can see that you have the skill to successfully work the ending, it's unfortunate about word count limits. I can see specific sentences that make me certain that the ending, with more words, could have been produced beautifully. I see the segue between the end of the "news" section, to the beginning of the next section.
I think you have a great natural talent for conveying people's thoughts and feelings, and have brought to life characters people can relate to without them becoming cliche archetypes. I know people who have been protective of their relatives in nursing homes and the character in this story, the son, represents their fears perfectly. I also have known older people, confused and in declining health, the sadness and reflection that comes with that, and Sylvia carries all that in her character as well. With a little editing by an outside source I think this story would have been more effective. The smallest things can make a good story and great one, and a lot of what I talked about was appearance--but even that is important.
J.H.S.
Thank you so much for your comments shortstory. When I will get to rewriting it for a final edit, I will take everything you said into consideration. Just to let you know, since you may not realize it being you're new here, this was submitted for the lit net short story contest and I had to hold the word count to 3000 words. So I was forced to be really curt in a couple of places. Thanks again. I think I agree with all your improvements. I'll have to see how I work them in.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
I agree with shortstory for the most part. I was also confused by the narrative POV. Some of the details of the first section seem to be too precise for Sylvia's perspective, like the the courtyard and building and also the medical jargon used in the final section.
Like you story before this, Shop Talk, I find your characters very interesting. You are able to reveal exposition while keeping with the momentum of your story. I don't know if you have read a book titled The Art of Dramatic Writing, but the author made a point that I agree with: exposition shouldn't be crammed into the first act, but gradually revealed throughout the entire story. I found Robert's internal response, mentioning his father has been dead ten year, when Sylvia first commented on his beard forced and unnecessary because it is later revealed in dialogue that his father saw it well before he died.
There are a list of idioms that could be replaced with fresh language:
I think the proceeding sentences establish confusion so it doesn't need to be stated.
This seems unnecessary because you convey an accent later on with the use of "Ja". There are two things I would like to inform you of, incase you don't know: first, Ja is the written form of Ha in South America. Since the Spanish J is pronounced like the English H (Ha, ha, ha = Ja, ja, ja); second, Ja can be the accented yes of someone from the West Indies or it could be Jah, which is what Rastafarians use to refer to YHWH. You said in a previous post that the nurse doesn't represent anything, but she could be misinterpreted as an angel, which strengthens your argument against criticism since it is obviously not what you meant; very interesting.
I know you're familiar with the show don't tell dichtom, but it would have been impossible for you to dramatize certain passage under the 2000 word condition so I don't think it would be necessary for me to point out instances.
I don't know if it was intentional, I know the flaky chipperness of anchors is funny, but I thought the news portion was hilarious and man did I luagh out loud when he said, "get ready for the white stuff".
I think the transition from the weather broadcast was finely done. I was laughing, as you know, but the shift in mood was apparent. The following sentence, "the pains had lasted an hour," created some nice tension. Even though it relies on context, I think this is the strongest and best crafted of of all:
Lastly:
This is a wonderful sentence stylistically, because it mimics the state of mind of the central character by moving from the general to the specific with the effective pause of a comma: woman --> nurse attendant --> black woman. It gives the impression of a mind that realizes, or remembers, a more vital piece of information then the one previously stated, like a person trying to give directions to a place they've been once (two blocks, on 5th, next to the so-and-so.
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Ugh. I don't want to be so irrelevant and shallow that all I can say is: 'I liked your story' but that's how it's probably going to be. Everyone else has your edits covered.
Mgraddrrr . . .
But the one thing that kinda killed it for me the ending. It slowly eased into a great conclusion, only to hack it off with an 'oh'.
Say that to yourself.
'oh'
THE WOMAN IS HAVING A BABY! That's like saying, 'oh, good golly gosh I left my keys in the hamper' or 'oh, do you have the time.' It's not like, 'oh, good GOD I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY!'
I know that it was probably intended to be something serene and quiet, because that was the tone through out most of the story, but the 'oh' just took away from such a good yarn. I'm hoping that it's being addressed?
The worst feeling in the world isn't loneliness, it's being forgotten by someone you can't forget.
Sheep, that was definitely the funniest post I've read since I've joined this forum. You're funny.
I actually like the ending though. Sure, it's just an "Oh", but it just seems so significant and poignant in its simplicity. It's unexpected. I don't know, just my opinion.
J.H.S.
Oh, and Virgil, it's clear to me that the beginning is the narrator speaking, and not a description through Sylvia's eyes...I understand that only certain sentences are told from Sylvia's perspective, but the rest is narrative.
J.H.S.
I just read some of the posts and I see that there was a word limit. But nonetheless, it ends with:
Isolating it by itself makes for a sorry ending. I know I'm being a bit harsh when I say it, but the rest of the story utilized so much smaller, kindly crafted sentences that just "she said." It could've been done mucchhh better. Just from reading the rest of the story is example enough. The ending could've been done much better."And she said 'oh.'"
The worst feeling in the world isn't loneliness, it's being forgotten by someone you can't forget.
Well, I guess I just like weird stuff...haha.
J.H.S.
I think I may have said somewhere in the thread that I was unhappy with the ending in general. Thank you for your comments Sheep.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
You can see why they put an arse in "ANALysis" !
Last edited by Captain Pike; 12-28-2008 at 09:27 AM.
Ничего нет лучше для исправления, как прежнее с раскаянием вспомнить.
Very interested to read your full draft before you did the word cutting. Do you happen to have your original full copy? I would love to read it!
Thanks
I have also only just stumbled upon this today, but felt obliged to add to the words of praise this story has attracted.
You possibly do have plans to tighten up the narrative as per some of the suggestions and advice listed above so I shall just concentrate on the story's strengths.
You do a marvelous job of capturing the thought processes of someone suffering Alzheimers or senile dementia (?) - pears of intense, instant thought strung along a fragmenting chain of memory that slowly unravels before ones eyes. And the reader is often left to decide how many of her perceptions are in real-time and how many result from a mish-mash of confused images from her past - which is exactly how the condition exists in real life for sufferers and their families.
You mention how constraining you found the 2000 word count, but personally I found the ending a perfect point of closure.
It can be interpreted as at least two distinct events. Either her mind is receding to that single, most intense memory that she ever had (triggered by the tv broadcast) - before disengaging altogether. Or it signifies her release from this life with the imprint of her proudest moment left on her soul.
Personally I see little need to tamper that much with a great piece of story-telling.
H
Thank you Bop and Hillwalker. I've never come back to this story. Perhaps one day. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I think I was aiming at both those meanings in the ending Hill.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
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